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Humorous Equine Advertising Translation Guide

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Funny Horse Buying Guide
Some funny things to think about before you buy a horse

This horse buying “guide” below is a joke and is meant for laughs and fun, but there may be a bit of truth in some of these definitions..... 

Term or Phrase Translation
15.2HH 14.3HH — Just a bit too big to qualify for a pony card
16.0HH 15.2HH (with shoes on)
All offers considered I’ll be in traction for the next six months, and my spouse has just left home and taken the kids
Always in the ribbons (1) As long as there are no more than six horses in the class. (2) The shows we attended gave away complimentary rosettes to everyone who entered.
Anyone can ride Dead lame
Athletic (1) Likes to run around the pasture, but hasn’t done a thing. (2) Runaway. See also “Bold” and “Good mover.”
Attention-getting No one will miss you with this horse’s stunning bad habits
Barrel prospect Runs in circles — fast
Big boned Without a mane and tail, this horse could easily be mistaken for a cow
Big stride Whoa, dammit, whoa!!
Big trot Can’t canter within a two-mile straightaway
Black Brown
Bold Runaway. See also “Good mover” and “Athletic.”
Bombproof (1) Won’t move, under any circumstances, without a crop AND spurs. (2) Lame on all four legs, deaf and blind.
Breathtaking Spectators gasp when they see this horse buck, rear, etc.
Broodmare prospect Not sound or broke, but might be fertile
Can be registered Owner may remember which stud got loose
Can be stubborn at times Mule
Children’s hunter 14.2HH
Clips, hauls and loads Clippity cloppity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you're trying to load him
Coursing 3’ When drugged to the eyeballs and lunged for six hours immediately beforehand
Cow bred Too bad the horse is afraid of cows
Cutting prospect Cuts and runs when startled
Dead quiet Lame in all four legs. See also “Quiet.”
Draft type Exceedingly big, coarse and hairy. See also “Warm blood type.”
Dressage prospect He’s a fire-breathing dragon over fences
Easy breeder For stallions, will mount anything that stands still long enough. For mares, always seems to be in heat.
Easy keeper Fat
Easy to catch Ancient and dead lame
Elegant Skinny
Endurance prospect Keeps going and going and going, just the like the Energizer bunny
Eventing prospect Big and fast with no brakes
Excellent disposition Has never left the stable
Finances force sale Horse drove owner to the poor house
Flashy Your life will flash before your eyes when you ride him
Free jumps Jumps out of his paddock and jumps on the longe line, but does not jump under saddle
Fun trail mount You’ll never be bored, but you might have to walk back to the barn on your own two feet
Gaited Make that “gated” — has run through the arena gate, the pasture gate…
Good ground manners But don’t try to ride him
Good mother Thank goodness, because it’s the only thing she’s good at!
Good mover (1) Runaway. See also “Athletic” and “Bold.” (2) Only stumbles occasionally these days
Great for the farrier Owner was reaching trying to find good qualities to advertise
Great project Has big-time issues (see also “lots of potential”)
Green Anything from “has had a rider on — once — and bucked him off” to “only jumping 2'6"”
Gymkhana prospect Hyper and needs a tie down
Halter prospect Not broke to ride. Probably not halter broken, either
Hand raised And spoiled rotten! See also “Home bred”
Has been shown But didn’t win anything
Health forces sale Horse made current owner crazy
Home bred Has never left home
Hunter prospect (1) Won’t go slow enough for Western Pleasure. (2) Should be on the track
Imprinted at birth See “hand raised”
In training Horse needs professional help
Jumper prospect Jumps out of his pasture regularly
Kid safe/Kid broke As long as your kid has a Velcro butt!
Lack of time forces sale Owner can’t afford to spend any more time in the hospital
Light cribber We couldn’t afford to build any more stalls and fences for this equine Chainsaw
Lots of potential Hasn’t done a thing
Loves children Especially for breakfast!
Loves to cuddle Will knock you over when she tries to use you as a scratching post
Loves people Especially when they are feeding him and not asking him to do anything that resembles work
Loves to work If he doesn’t get out every day, he’ll tear down the barn. Get your longe line ready…
Must sell Price negotiable. See also "Any offers considered"
Needs a bit of finishing work See “green” and "great project”
Needs advanced rider Such as a professional bronc rider
Needs a strong rider Preferably with nerves of steel
Needs quiet rider Will run off at the slightest provocation
Never stops at fences Including the arena fence, the paddock fence, the neighbors’ fences…
Nicely started Lunges, but we don’t have enough insurance to ride him
No time for him Horse is lucky to be fed
No vices (1) No attributes, either. (2) Especially when he wears his muzzle
Parelli trained Owner bought a rope halter and some videos
Pony type Small and hairy
Price available upon request If you have to ask, you can’t afford him
Priced to sell Owner can’t get rid of this horse fast enough
Private treaty See "price available upon request”
Professionally trained Owner shelled out big bucks, regardless of how little the horse knows now
Protective mother Will attack anyone who comes within a three-stall radius
Proven broodmare As long you care more about quantity than quality
Quarter Horse type Stout
Quiet Lame in both front legs. See also "Dead Quiet”
Pasture horse Will kick a new door in his stall to get outside
Ready to start Riding age, but hasn’t done a thing
Recent vet check/X-rays Some other poor buyer paid big bucks to find out what is wrong with this horse
Reining prospect (1) Skids to a stop right before running into the fence. (2) Spins and runs when startled.
Sacrifice Family won’t come back home until he’s gone
Sadly outgrown Owner traded up
Schoolmaster Been there, done that, annoyed at having to do it again and again
Serious inquiries only Overpriced
Service ably sound Even with very expensive care, almost always lame
Show quality But has never been to a show
Shown successfully (1) Horse and rider got in and out of the arena in one piece (mostly). (2) Won a reserve championship five years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
Sound Sound today…
Spirited Psychotic
Sport horse Cross-breed, probably with draft blood
Stallion prospect Rank stud colt that owner doesn’t want to spend the money to geld
Started on cows Turned out in pasture with cows
Started over fences Walked over ground poles. Tripped
Started under saddle Has had saddle on (but no rider)
Still growing 14.2HH now, but hope springs eternal
To good home only Not really for sale unless you will pay twice what he is worth and sign a 10-page legal document allowing current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
To loving home only Expensive
To show home only Very expensive
Trail horse (1) Ring sour (2) Current owner is a good enough rider to keep this horse between him and ground for most rides. You may not be so skilled/lucky
Vet checks welcome Please help us figure out what the heck is wrong with this horse
Warm blood type Big, coarse and hairy. See also "Draft type”
Well-bred (1) Too bad he didn’t inherit any of his forebears’ good traits. (2) Sire and dam are also brother and sister
Well-mannered Hasn’t stepped on, run over, bitten or kicked anyone in almost a week
Western pleasure prospect Too slow for gymkhana
Will mature to 15.2H 14HH now at the age of four
Will mature to 16HH Currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2HH, sire is 14.3HH

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All rights reserved.   Last updated March 2013