If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

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Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.

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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole 
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has 
to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

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One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most 
gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she 
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I 
saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, 
"What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even 
know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems 
to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said 
I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my 
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

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The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit 
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

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I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act 
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room 
temperature.

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I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking 
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 
beating up a child.

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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all 
the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty 
good. He could go under a rug.

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I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". 
I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

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He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? 
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries 
in.

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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 
house and four people died.

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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 
You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's 
much better...

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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to 
the funeral in one car.

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My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, 
but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she 
could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 
'Til Spring."

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My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. 
I said, "the whole time."

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It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd 
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. 
Everything had two shadows.

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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

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Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind 
his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With 
braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under 
a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their 
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop 
it?

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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was 
another sign below it that said "self service". 
So I hired myself. 
Then I made myself the boss. 
I gave myself a raise. 
I paid myself. 
Then I quit.

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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a 
satellite picture.

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I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the 
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a 
coathanger.

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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette 
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

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I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have 
a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 
just whipped out a quarter?

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I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. 
Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved 
roads.

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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The 
team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought 
they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game 
*he* was watching was better.

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I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. 
The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking 
through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, 
"Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, 
here's the 25 dollars I owe you." Then the thief took a thousand 
dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint 
made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the 
prescription ran out.

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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

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I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The 
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

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I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. 
Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a 
spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on 
the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I 
said, "I don't want your job."

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I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a 
kaleidoscope. ..."We're surrounded."

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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in 
a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be 
ninety.

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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much 
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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It's a fine night to have an evening.

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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

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You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to 
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the 
time.

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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay 
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them 
away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the 
same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them 
looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. 
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can 
guess what he told me.

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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to 
feed it.

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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm 
good, she'll give me the other one next year.

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I had amnesia once or twice.

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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks 
he can get me five.

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You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the 
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten 
minutes.

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You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology 
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part 
of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

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My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no 
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

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Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something 
on.

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Is "tired old cliche" one?

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If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

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I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

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A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a 
cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

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I had my coathangers spayed.

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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it 
was gone.

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I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were 
just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.

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Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, 
"I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one 
drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. 
We never met.

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Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, 
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never 
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

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A metaphor is like a simile.

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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

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The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

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For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

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Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.