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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

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When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

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My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

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Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

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Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.

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If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

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My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

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After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

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I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

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I lost a button hole today.

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I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

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I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

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I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

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I took a baby shower.

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I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

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I was skydiving horizontally.

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I washed mud, off of mud.