uh. if you can see this post then click here now.

No. Don't Scroll Down. Everything is here.

Stop it.
11:14 PM  [Link]

It always amazes me how a uniform can automatically stereotype you as a person. If you're wearing a school uniform, then you are assigned the reputation of that school. If you're wearing a 'work' uniform, then suddenly you are an expert in your field, whatever that may be...
When I started my job, the only training I got was the induction. What our trading principles are and other stuff like that. Things that I have never needed to know. And the only training I have had in the year and a half since is the things I have asked other staff to show me how to do. But most people assume that they can ask me anything about anything in the store and I'll know. I"ll know every single little thing about this product, what you can, and what you can't do with it. Some people know it's unlikely that I'll know about every item, and some realise it's unlikely I'll know about any. And there's always someone who treats you like shit, you don't know anything, and you're only here to wait on me hand and foot.
But anyway, back to my point. Most people think that if they ask, I'll know the answer. If they ask for my opinion, they nod in understanding and think, wow, she knows what she's on about.
I don't. Unless I've had personal experience with a product, or have had a question about it before, I'm most likely guessing and making stuff up. (Sometimes it even says it on the box! - silly people). So what is it about the uniform that makes us the authority, the final word.
Why is it that we take on the reputation of the company, or school, when we wear it. Why is our society so appearance biased.
Why goddammit why.
10:35 PM  [Link]

Ho humm...

Working on new layout, it'll be up in a few days.
Also moving to new address, but don't worry, I'll do some tricky html thing that sends you straight there from here none the wiser.

Yawn.
11:28 PM  [Link]

My little brother and sister had a big fight last night. I think it was about something to do with the cat. Because there were frequent cries of "you're hurting her" and "why do you want her anyway". Think of that said in a lound whiny voice that's on the point of tears. So I guess they were both holding on to her, trying to stop the other one from being able to hold her. And they must have been pulling, because after a little bit I began to hear yeow's from the cat. Painful meowing that kept on going on. Then the sound of a fist striking flesh. It's not at all like the sound of being punched in the movies. That sound is hard. And sharp. This sound was softer, like punching a melon. Several times. Then the loud screams of rage from my sister followed by an explosion of crying. After which the running footsteps to her room and the slamming of the door.
It was at this point that I was going to get up and tell Mitchell what a fucking prick he is. But dad beat me to it. I then tried to go back to bed, to sleep like I had wanted to do over an hour ago. But I knew Rebecca was in her room, curled up on her bed, crying. So I went in. Sat on her bed. Held her hand.
I wanted to give her a hug. Hold her till she felt better.
I wanted to tell her that the same thing used to happen to me.
I wanted to say it's alright, it's okay.
I wanted to forget how much of a bitch I am to her most of the time.
I wanted to leave.
I sat on her bed. Held her hand. Eventually she stopped crying. I could see it wan't because she felt better, but that she felt she had to as I was there.
I stood. "Come on. Come wash your face and have a drink." You'll feel better I wanted to say. But didn't. I know it's not true.
I lead the way to the bathroom. As if she didn't already know where it was. Then I left her to pour some juice. For us both.
I handed her the glass. "Thank you," she whispered.
And it struck me how much nicer my sister is then me. I would never have said that. I couldn't even give her a hug.
I left her there to drink her juice. Crawled back into bed and thought about how much I hate my brother sometimes.
And how much I'm like him.
9:32 PM  [Link]

I'm a giggler ... does that mean I"m a bad person?
I constantly find myself laughing at things that aren't funny. But I can't stop. I'm thinking, that's not funny, why the fuck are you laughing, and I just keep right on giggling about some stupid thing.
It's not one of those fake laughs people do when they're nervous, or lying, and I'm not the sort of person that is always laughing. But once I get started, it's hard to stop. I might not even remember what I found funny in the first place and still I can't stop. When I"m in that state. Everything's funny, and it's not. I could either laugh or cry, but since I'm already laughing...

I really need to find some happy music. Something that will help me to feel good about myself and the world, it doesn't have to be about anything happy, just needs to sound it. When I'm already in a bad mood, or depressed (which is most of the time) listening to my music doesn't really help.

I don't know why I get depressed so much, I don't really have anything that's bad in my life. But knowing doesn't help.
There are the thiings that I think are bad. But everything that comes to mind, there is some one, or many, people in the world that have it worse. And knowing this, I know that however bad I think it is for me, they envy what I have, or what I don't have.
The grass is always greener on the other side.

Sorry that I jumped around a bit tonight. I'm tired, but then, aren't I always.
9:12 PM  [Link]

I'm feeling better tonight. And I'm in the mood for a party - aka, getting pissed, smashed, floored, walled or even plain old drunk would do. A friend of mine is on her way to a party now, and is going to call me when she knows where it is. So if I can be bothered convincing dad to buy me some alcohol and drive me over. I'm all set.

Doesn't look like I'll be going.
8:00 PM  [Link]

Wise words from Insurge
I hate stupid people
the way they close their eyes
the way into the unknown they can never seek
and then they wonder why they never find
The way they close their minds
the way they limit lifes exploration
they just work eat sleep and multiply

yep.
i hate stupid people
9:49 PM  [Link]

I really hate myself sometimes.
The stupid things I do. The dumb way I act.
The way I react.
It's a crime when things don't go my way.
Or so I would have me believe.
Why do I even bother
With these illusions, delusions,
Who am I trying to fool?
Myself.

Do you even realise what you are doing to others
Do you even care
If you do,
which I hope is true
Why don't you stop
Or is that too much effort,
and there's nothing in it for you.

ugh. shuddup.

You know, I'm sitting here crying.
And the only reason I can think that I am is that I couldn't get on the internet when I wanted to. Because my brother was using it.
Downloading shit, as usual (DragonballZ, come on). But I just got so angry because I couldn't have what I wanted, when I wanted it. I knew at the time that I was being irrational, selfish, spoilt. But it just made it worse. I believe that usually we hate a person because they have some ... trait ...which we most hate about ourselves. I loathe people that are selfish, irrational and act like spoilt brats.

I hate people who act like I act.

But that's not why I'm crying.
I'm just super depressed about fuck knows what.
And I'm pissed off that "that time of the month" hormones do this to me every time.
Lovely.
Infomation you never knew you wanted to know about me.
9:15 PM  [Link]

I only have two emotions that I can be counted on to experience every day.
Anger and sadness. How ... sad.
Once one hits me, it usually leads to the other.
There are so many things that make me angry

Ah fuck this. If you really want me to talk to you, send me an email.

And another thing.
I know I'm quiet, I don't need people telling me all the time. Did you ever think it's because I don't want to talk to you.
10:12 PM  [Link]

Dammit
I'm all depressed now.
You may remember that a little while ago I dropeed my discman and for some insane reason it stopped working. Well tonight I bought me a new one. And. It. Is. Crap. Distorted sound, dodgy plugs, wierd noises. Crap.
So now I have to return the stupid thing and I'm not going to have any music for art tomorrow and for walking home from school and it sucks...
10:09 PM  [Link]

I''m tired, I"m bored, I have nothing to do
Maybe I'll finish that Mars Bar...
7:09 PM  [Link]

Hmmm. Well. Uh...
I really have nothing I especially want to talk about.

I started fourth term yesterday, but really, who cares? Uhm..I also legally drove by myself for the first time. What else happened yesterday...
In film we're doing a unit on documentaries by the end of which we have to have made our own. My group is doing it on performance art, only because we want to go into the city and get away with doing wierd shit to people. So anyway, we were watching an example doco and it was on the safety issues that old cars had and the many different ways a person could die if they were involved in an accident in one of these cars. We didn't actually see any serious injuries or anything, but it was so horrible seeing how dangerous just driving could be, and the uncaring attitude of the car companies. Thank god for consumerism.
Hmm...I had to get up on stage in assembly to let it be known I"m a nerd who willingly enters the english competition. But hey, I got a free Mars Bar!
I worked, how unusual, and might I say, I did an excellent job. Also unusual...Ah modesty, where have you gone...
And that was my yesterday.
Hmm...today. In between playing snake on my phone, I actually listened in maths, IPT (Information, Processing and Technology) was not as not as shit boring as it has been and Amy was annoying me. She, for some insane reason, was in a good mood, and so felt she should childishly start throwing sticks and bottles at me. I was, of course, very impressed, so I told her to fuck off. She didn't. At lunch she was cut when I again told her to fuck off so she hired Tom to bitch slap me. It was sooo funny watching him scamper away giggling after he did so. But I got him back. The next time he tried to do it I kicked him. Sucker.

If you've made it down this far I have just one thing to say.
Actually, I don't have anything to say, so I don't know why you're still here...
6:47 PM  [Link]

OHMIGOD. Where have my august archives gone? Arrr noooo
8:05 PM  [Link]

Grrr. I've just been trying to burn me a copy of amy's new garbage, I mean... I've been trying to ... make a back-up copy of ... an important ... program ... yes...
and it's not working
The first two times it said it was successful, and it wasn't, so then I tried a different method and it tells me I don't have a big enough blank cd. Stupid computers.

And I'm listening, i mean, making use of it now, and it's sooo good.
Sob.
I waaant...
7:32 PM  [Link]

Die, DIE
I left some lifesavers on my bed this afternoon, an hour later I come back in only to find the hugest ant-trail you ever saw spread across my room. Starting at the window and headed straight for my life-savers. Most of the little buggers weren't even taking any back to the ant-mound or whatever they do. They were stuck to MY lifesavers, eating it all themselves. So I said damn you all, drowned the greedy ones stuck to the lifesavers and got out the vacuum cleaner for the rest. Mwah hahaha. Take THAT.

Sigh.
Back to school tomorrow.
Dammit.
7:20 PM  [Link]

Do ants sleep?
11:39 PM  [Link]

What the...?!
Ants! On my stereo! Where are they coming from? Why are they here?
Why can't they leave me al-lone...

I cleaned my room just yesterday, so why ants appear today I do not know.
11:02 PM  [Link]

I had another wierd dream last night. There was no blood (thank god) but there was still scary bits.
I was trapped inside a building trying to escape from something that was chasing me. I would start in one room and I had to solve some sort of puzzle before I could move to another room. Each time I had no idea if the next room would contain something dangerous, or exciting, or nice, or really great (one room was...interesting).
Sometimes I wold come to a room where I couldn't work out the puzzle, so I had to backtrack until I found another turning. And by backtracking I was getting closer to whatever it was chasing me. But I always ended up back in that room. Finally, the thing was so close that I couldn't go back again so I had to stay in that room and keep trying to find my way out from there. And this was a dangerous room as well. I had an idea for how to get out of the room but I wasn't sure that it would work. After a little bit, I had gotton myself into trouble with some other people who were in that room. These people had killed the last person who was in there and were trying to find a way to kill me too. Finally, I couldn't hide from the people anymore and the thing was very close. So I had to trust in myself and my idea. This involved going to the area where the last person had died. And somehow I blew a hole in the wall (somehow meaning magically, it was a magical room, but the other rooms weren't) and looking out all I could see was clouds and the sky. I knew that I had to jump to leave the building, and that I wouldn't get hurt because as soon as I left the room wherever I was would change to something/somewhere else. But I couldn't do it. It wasn't until the people were almost upon me and the thing right behind that I thought "It'll change, you know it will. Jump..."
And I jumped.
And then it was like I passed through some sort of magical energy field, and I woke up.

Well?
10:23 PM  [Link]

All day I've been alternating between being angry and depressed. Perhaps because I did not post yesterday...or maybe not.

Last night I went out with some friends to watch another friend in her play. It was an okay night and dad had agreed to pick me up from the bus stop. As was agreed I rang his mobile and because he said that he would not answer the call so I didn't have to pay anything, I assumed that he'd heard it ring. And he hadn't. Because he was asleep. About 10 calls later, to both his mobile and the house phone, he finally answers, "What do you want?". Nice one.
When he finally arrived at the stop, about 15 minutes later when it only takes 5 to get there, I got in the car and commented that this would've been a lot easier if mum had let me take the car in the first place.
He then starts yelling at me about being a selfish little bitch who never thinks of anyone but herself, and did I think that other people might need to use the car and I can't just leave it in a car park it'll get stolen and what happens then cos we have no insurance on it and we can't afford to buy another one can we.
I said nothing to that because it's pointless arguing with dad. He only sees things his way and nothing you can do will change that. He never tries to understand anything outside his experience. Once he has an idea in his head there's no way you can change his mind about it.
Why he started yelling at me I don't know. But it really got me angry.
I knew that mum wouldn't need the car last night, and she didn't.
It gets left in car parks all the time, what's the difference if I leave it there.
Ok, so I can be selfish, but only about things that are mine and it should be my choice whether or not to share it with other people.

So that's why I've been angry.

And I've been depressed because...
Last night we did a bit of walking around, before, during, after the play.
Okay so Nikki was with her new boyfriend, amy can't stand not being in front (walking too slow pfft) and Ben was just fucked off his face. But it would've been nice...I don't know. I did notice Amy that you were looking for where I was at different times, but I still get the feeling sometimes that no one notices I'm there and that they wouldn't notice if I suddenly wasn't. I know this isn't true. But I can't help feeling it sometimes. And it's a horrible feeling.
Also, it's getting me down that I can't get rid of the family anytime soon. It's probably something hormonal (guys, not a good idea to brush of all "outbursts" as hormonal. bad bad idea) but for the last couple of months now they're all just pissing me off.
--Except Damian (older bro) but he doesn't live here. Neither does Sara(older sis), but I'll talk later about why she pisses me off. Ask me some other time about her...--
I'm one angry chick right now and I hate it. Because I just want to have a fight with someone and I'm crap at fights. I always lose. And losing isn't going to help anything.

Grrr. Dad's trying to talk to me tonight like nothing happened last night. I'm still angry and just want to ignore him or tell him to fuck off. Preferably both. But I can't, because then I'll have to have an argument with him, and I'll lose (nothing to do with me being crap at fights, dad always wins cos he believes he is always right) and that'll put me in a worse mood. So I have to make an effort and say something to him. I'm going with a noncomittal grunt. I've being doing them a lot lately so he won't notice anything unusual.

I'm just being my usual "selfish, moody, bitchy self.
8:10 PM  [Link]

Hmm...that turned out big didn't it. Oh well.

oh oh oh
I can driiivve.

Hehehehe...
9:56 PM  [Link]

My knees hurt. And my ankles, but the pain in my knees is overpowering the ankle pain. This is what you get for working nine hours on a busy day.

Arrrr Fuck!!

Okay I feel better now.

So I lied.
I was seriously attempting to not get on the internet till tomorrow. But I can't help myself.

Ohmigod. Lol.
We have a pet bird who likes talking to it's seed box. Probably because there's a picture of some other birds on there. So you move the box and it will follow you wherever the box goes. My little brother just put the box next to the cat and the bird climbed over her to reach the box. He then moved the box so that it was near her head. The bird attacked the cat and what does she do? Nothing.
If we attack her she goes psycho and trys to kill us. But a bird...
Damn city animals, don't know what they're good for.
She doesn't even catch her own food. Useless bloddy thing.
9:40 PM  [Link]

Got it!!!
10:57 AM  [Link]

Okay. Just to let y'all know, so that you don't freak out or anything (haha) that I won't be posting again until friday. Oh. My. God.

Tonight I shall be at work, and then when I get home I have to watch Ed. Then I have to sleep. As appealing as feeling tired all the time is, I think I should at least make an effort to be awake for my driving (re)test tomorrow morning. After which I have to go straight to work for nine hours. Twelve till nine. It's gonna kill me I tells ya. So I shouldn't have any trouble sleeping tomorrow night. *fingers crossed*

Hmmm...Yeah. So see you on Friday.
1:26 PM  [Link]

I'm still having scary dreams with lots of blood. I had one last night and I can't remember much of it except that it was one of those dreams that I realised I was dreaming. Didn't make the blood go away, but I remember thinking, when I realised it was a dream, "am I still having these freaky blood dreams". Or something like that.

I've used way too many commas in this post. I hate commas. Give me a full stop any day. (Period for you Americans out there. You just have be different to everyone else don't you...)
12:43 PM  [Link]

happily ever after...
I've seen too many romantic movies for my own good. I think that once "true love" comes along all my problems will magically melt away. I'm just waiting for prince charming to drop into my lap. Isn't that always how it happens? Sleeping Beauty didn't even have to do anything. She just lay there and she gets the guy.
11:12 PM  [Link]

Ewwwwwwwwww
7:46 PM  [Link]

Social Interaction sucks
I will usually go out of my way to avoid people. Not because I don't like them, or being around them. Because I will have to talk to them.
What I hate is the chit-chat that comes when you bump into someone, the inevitable questions that no-one cares about anyway. The comments on the weather, the obvious things that I don't need pointed out to me. And then the awkwardness that comes when no-one has anything to say and you can just feel them trying to think of something, anything. And then I feel my excuse for leaving, even if it is legit. it feels stupid. Like why did I stop anyway. What was the point. Why do I bother.
I am a bad person to talk to because I never really say much. Because I've noticed that most conversations consist of restatements of the obvious, or something that's already been said. Repeated over and over and over. I'm like, okay, I heard you the first time. I told you what I think. YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME AGAIN.
Think about it. Next time you're listening (eavesdropping more like it) on a conversation. Take notice of how many times the same thing is said.
What is it in people that needs to be told over and over what they already know.
Whatever it is. I want some. Then maybe I'll be able to have conversations too.
7:15 PM  [Link]

You know what I just realised
Every single item of clothing I have on right now is blue. Every. Single. One. Just call me that blue girl and everyone will know what you're talking about.
I need some new clothes. Amy, you up for some shopping?

I actually did something today. Amazing I know. I finally finished my tax return. Took me all of ten minutes. Then, I got everyone excited about the idea of fish and chips for lunch, by asking if someone would drive me up so I could buy some. Guess who ended up paying. Not me. (hehe, I love it) And on the way I stopped and posted the stupid tax thing. Yes, I know that I can do it over the internet, but I'm trying to spend less time on here, not look for excuses to get on. Although, I'm open to suggestion...
3:51 PM  [Link]

My older brother just got here and he always seems to have the need to try and annoy me. He gets upset when I don't react. Hehehe.
So first he tried putting nail polish on me. I won that one, he has nail polish on him now that he can't get off. Sucker. Then he attacked me with pens. Until I stabbed him in the arm with my pen. Then he turned the moden off. So I chased him into my little brother's room ad shut the door. It really stinks in there...
Now he's upset cos I don't have any nail polish remover to get it off his arm, and I told him to go away.
He's such a juvenile.
11:30 AM  [Link]

Hey hey kids!
After I got off last night I couldn't stop thinking, so I wrote down a few things to post. Reading them again now I feel like a bit of an idiot, but I'll put them up anyway...just for you.

Back in the Good Old Days...
You know, I cured myself of thumb sucking and nail biting when I was five (or maybe six). For some reason no-one ever believes me. But, true story. I remember the moment when I decided to stop sucking my thumb like it was yesterday (better then yesterday actually). All in the quest to be grown-up. At five. The one thing I wanted most at that age was my very own teddy bear. But I refused to ask for one because grown-ups didn't have teddy bears. (And guess what I got for my birthday this year. A teddy bear. Like I said at the time, you're twelve years too late dad.) And althought eating my nails was soo fun, I wanted to have super long nails just like mum. So I stopped. Of course, it didn't happen overnight, but it did happen.
I had more willpower when I was six then I do now.
Dammit.

You may remember me from such films as...
Mum got out the original Planet of the Apes videos the other day. And just thinking of it makes me remember the Simpson's version of it, starring Troy McClure. So of course I had to get the songs stuck in my head. Damn.
"Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius. Oh ... Dr. Zaius. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius."
"You've finally made a monkey.. Yes we've finally made a monkey..
Yes you've finally made a monkey out of me.. Yes we've finally made a monkey out of you. I love you, Dr. Zaius!"

And I'm not putting up the other ones cos they're just too wierd.
I did another sketch too, I'll put it up later.

PS Thanks Kim for linking me. :D
11:13 AM  [Link]

Dad just came in to tell me to Turn ya bloody music down.
And did he knock?
No.
Fuc-King Hell
11:06 PM  [Link]

Just to explain
My sense of humour can be pretty wierd. If they person doesn't know me I seem to scare them off more then humour them. Sigh. Apparantly, that's what I've done to one poor fellow lately. Sorry Ross. I wasn't being serious.
Like on Wednesday's post, for example, I was really angry at only god knows what, and getting up you slackers for not ever signing my guestbook (it's really not that hard), I got amused when I was using the word ye. Which is why I said ye again at the end by itself. Like this. Ye. And there was a popeye quote in there as well. All while I was really mad and thinking about how it's so hard to SIGN THE FUCKING GUESTBOOK.
Yeah, well, anyway. It's nice to know I can count on myself to keep me amused. Obviously everyone else is too lazy. (HINT HINT)

PS I'm not really mad at you for not signing the guestbook. More humour. Geez, do I have to explain everything...

Sigh.
I'm so misunderstood. (HUMOUR)

Laugh for gods sake.

Pfft.
10:49 PM  [Link]

I am such a lazy bitch
Every night I go to bed with the resolution that I will do something tomorrow. Every morning I wake up knowing, today I will do it. Today I will make that skirt I got the pattern for 3 months ago. I will fill out my tax return I got two months ago. I will ride my horse today, and every day I can because someone else is spending more time with him then I am. I will go for a bike ride because I'm unfit and it'll do me good, plus I like bike riding. I will learn a new song on the piano because I'm getting sick of just playing fur elise all the time. I will play my guitar, I need to build up calluses again. I will start, and finish, my painting for art that was due last term and not leave it just because I know it doesnt really matter anyway. I will.
And then I never do. I know even while I'm thinking I will, that it's unlikely to happen. Like right now. I'm thinking tomorrow, I will go for a ride, horse and bike. Hmmm, should probably finish that tax return. Oh. And I'll do the guitar thang. Right. And you know what I'll end up doing. Logging on here, going back and forth between blogs, waiting for them to be updated.
I'm such a loser.
10:11 PM  [Link]

Alright. Whoever claranet.co.uk is, you're really FREAKING ME OUT!!
11:17 AM  [Link]