"I believe in love surviving death into eternity." --Savage Garden, "Affirmation"--to accept as real or true
--to think; suppose
I never really took the time to stop and believe in anything before. It had never really bothered me before. My life was too fast-paced. There was always something going on. I just didn’t have the time to sit around, figuring out my every belief. Writing them down on paper, affirming them every once in a while. It never seemed relevant.
But now my life has slowed to a crawl. Slowed to the beeps of the heart monitor as I hold his hand, knowing that eventually it’s going to just stop altogether. Now with all this time to myself, just watching his still face, is when I’m trying to figure it all out. What is it that I believe in?
The thoughts that come to me aren’t really spiritual which surprises me at first. But the more I think about it, he was always the one who depended on religion. I always tried to have as little to do with religion as possible. It always got on his nerves but he never forced it on me. He understood. And he would understand now when my thoughts chose to dwell elsewhere than in religious beliefs. If he believed in it enough, it would all take care of itself. No prayers from me would help him on the path to paradise at this point.
I suppose if nothing else I believe in fate. How else could we have caught each other’s attention all those years ago at…wow, I don’t even remember where we were. It feels like ages ago even though it’s only been maybe five years. Les, even. The fact that I don’t remember worries me for a moment. What else will I forget after he’s gone and time goes by?
But I believe my memory of him will always be with me, somewhere in the back of my mind. His picture will always be imprinted on the back of my eyelids. The way he smiles, the way his hair is always messy when he’s “artistically frustrated.” The way he smiled shyly at me throughout our entire wedding in the rain, back when we thought his illness had passed. Unaware that it would visit us again only too soon. I won’t forget his strength.
I know this. I believe this.
I believe our time together is getting cut short unfairly. But I believe our time together was special. This is something I’ve always believed.
The doctor walks into the room and sees me sitting in the exact spot I’ve been sitting in for nearly a month now. He sighs and his eyes, hardened though they must be to the sight of death and grief, are said.
“I believe it’s time to let go,” he says gently. He’s been saying this for days, but I’ve always shaken my head saying, “A little longer. Please, just a little longer.”
But when I look to the pale, still face of my young husband and now that this face will never smile, frown, laugh or cry again, I find that I finally believe this to be true also. I surprise him by nodding.
“Okay,” I say.
I hold his hand as the doctor goes through the motions of pulling the plug. He softly announces every step my husband takes as he floats farther away from me. But I hardly hear him. I only repeat the one coherent though in my mind over and over,
“I love you…I forgive you…I love you…”
I’m not entirely sure what I was forgiving him for. Leaving me alone, maybe. All those time he had told me how sorry he was that he couldn’t be healthy for me, stay with me forever. But I know now that he had nothing to be sorry for because no matter what he will always be with me.
And this I believe most of all.
You won't even have to waste 34 cents on a stamp.
Back to Words Index
Back to Writing Out Loud Index