On cold mornings I often wake up with a blank mind - the room
dim and traces of the night's dream images playing shadows on the
wall. I become INOPERATIVE. I feel imprisoned - with no urge to
escape. I would rather continue my night's journey into a nowhere
world. I would rather be a null person, with no focus on a real world,
nor any wish to face it. For now, it feels much better to be
INOPERATIVE - be non-functioning. What better excuse to avoid
solving the day's problems!
Why do I feel that everyone seems to have thrown all their
woes and hangups on me? That I have to slay all their dragons too?
Was there ever a fork on a road where I chose to walk this way - the
path with all the thorns? Where all the rosebushes have withered
I drag my feet up. Turn on the shower. Looked over my body.
Wonder of wonders - it is still WHOLE! No broken toes or slipped
discs - nothing's wrong with me! I am ALIVE. But where is ME in my
mind? I have lost it! And what good is a WHOLE body with an
I wander around the room looking for my mind. IT has refused
to come along with my body. If I go back to bed, will I find IT there
still sleeping calmly and undisturbed? My MIND has a mind of its own
- and it won't budge right now. IT knows that once IT attaches itself
to my body, then IT has to start functioning - give commands,
activate all systems. In short, be OPERATIVE.
A picture of the past day's unfinished thoughts, unsung songs,
unreached goals, unhappy people - all
UN things - come tumbling into my vision. Will these be my guideposts
again as I retrieve my inert MIND for today's journey into the world?
It is enough to scare me into becoming INOPERATIVE again on a
cold morning like this.
.............................©Jotte: February 20, 1999