INOPERATIVE

On cold mornings I often wake up with a blank mind - the room dim and traces of the night's dream images playing shadows on the wall. I become INOPERATIVE. I feel imprisoned - with no urge to escape. I would rather continue my night's journey into a nowhere world. I would rather be a null person, with no focus on a real world, nor any wish to face it. For now, it feels much better to be INOPERATIVE - be non-functioning. What better excuse to avoid solving the day's problems!

Why do I feel that everyone seems to have thrown all their woes and hangups on me? That I have to slay all their dragons too? Was there ever a fork on a road where I chose to walk this way - the path with all the thorns? Where all the rosebushes have withered away?

I drag my feet up. Turn on the shower. Looked over my body. Wonder of wonders - it is still WHOLE! No broken toes or slipped discs - nothing's wrong with me! I am ALIVE. But where is ME in my mind? I have lost it! And what good is a WHOLE body with an INOPERATIVE mind?

I wander around the room looking for my mind. IT has refused to come along with my body. If I go back to bed, will I find IT there still sleeping calmly and undisturbed? My MIND has a mind of its own - and it won't budge right now. IT knows that once IT attaches itself to my body, then IT has to start functioning - give commands, activate all systems. In short, be OPERATIVE.

A picture of the past day's unfinished thoughts, unsung songs, unclimbed mountains, unreached goals, unhappy people - all UN things - come tumbling into my vision. Will these be my guideposts again as I retrieve my inert MIND for today's journey into the world?

It is enough to scare me into becoming INOPERATIVE again on a cold morning like this.

.............................©Jotte: February 20, 1999