TCGOB: "101 Damnations" by Steve Wingate

Author's Note: This article was originally written in 1989. I have long since lost the original, so I'm going on memory. I decided to unearth this article in honor of our Dalmatian, who passed away just a few weeks ago.

We are the proud owners of a high-spirited (by which I mean spastic) female Dalmatian named Nikki. My mother often refers to her as a "purebred damnation". Nikki's hobbies are barking, eating, terrorizing small animals, and biting strangers. What follows here is a representation of how Nikki spends her day.

4:23 AM: Wakes up late after a hard night of barking at a tree in the back yard.

5:17 AM: Pauses long enough to listen to one of the OWNERS shout; "Shut up, Dammit!"

6:23 AM: Stops barking and turns head, listening intently to a dog barking somewhere in a neighboring

12:01 PM: Eats a wasp, gets stung, spits it out, eats it again, gets stung again, spits it out again,

12:04 PM: Spits wasp out one final time, then barks at it for the next 47 minutes.

12:51 PM: Gets a Milk Bone, swallows it whole, coughs and gags for nine minutes, finally coughs it

2:32 PM: Sees a car pull into the driveway and barks menacingly even though she has seen the same

2:34 PM: Stops barking when she hears someone say; "Dammit Nikki, shut up, it's me!" She obeys

this command for a record breaking .032 seconds before going over and barking at the

3:53 PM: One of the OWNERS comes outside and she gets PETTED. Oh boy! She performs much

tail wagging and hand licking to her OWNER'S delight. Nikki enjoys petting so much that

she even allows the OWNER to play the hilarious trick where he scratches her belly and

makes her leg go spastic. Ha ha. Sometimes Nikki really wants to bite the OWNER. Eh?

What's this? Her owner wants to play FETCH! Oh boy! Nikki loves FETCH! The OWNER

throws her favorite tennis ball and Nikki runs after it. What fun! She corners the tennis ball

4:11 PM: Stops barking at the tennis ball when she hears her owner yell: "Bring the ball back,

Dammit!" Nikki ponders this for a moment, or however long dogs are capable of pondering

anything, then decides to pick up the ball and try to eat it. After this experiment fails with

much gagging and coughing, Nikki runs back with the drool-laden tennis ball. The OWNER

takes the ball, says "ugh", then goes inside to wash his hands.

4:25 PM: Pauses long enough to drink 49 gallons of water, then pees in approximately 84 different

5:31 PM: Wonders where food went again, then decides to find the squirrel she buried two days ago.

6:42 PM: Gets let inside. Hooray! Immediately locates the litter box and checks for new contributions,

then to the kitchen where she licks the entire surface area of the floor under the table.

6:50 PM: Realizes that her dog food, squirrel and cat scatter are not agreeing with her and begins to

make loud doggie-coughing noises, which causes the owners to shoo her out the door .

6:52 PM: Knowing that the high points of her day are now behind her, (i.e. eating, getting petted, Milk

Bone time, FETCH, getting let inside) Nikki blows air out of her nostrils as only dogs can do in

a loud, contented doggie sigh. Life is good. Time to go bark at the air conditioning unit for a