Featuresback to Issue 9
Baseball, they say, is America’s Favorite pastime.  But maybe that’s not entirely true.  There is another sport that Americans enjoy much more and I think you all know what we’re talking about.  Hell, chances are it’s preventing you from concentrating on what you’re reading right this very second.  Oh, come on.  Do I have to say it?  Like Salt-N-Pepa, I’m talking about SEX, baby!  Good ol’ American sex.  Recently I was flipping through YM – my absolute favorite young women’s fashion magazine – and I came across the letters section wherein a budding, insecure lass was wondering what all this ‘baseball terminology’ in reference to sex was.  Based on the editor’s cryptic and very trivial explanation, we, as baseball loving American males, feel obliged to give this and all other confused young teenage women everywhere a most sincerest of answers.  Hehheh.  This is so shallow it hurts.
 First off, we’d like to say there’s no authoritative guide we know of for running the basepaths. In fact, upon examining the issue, Wade and Brendan discovered they had markedly differing rules on just how to keep score. Be warned of the ambiguity.  Here you go.

Of course, all this baseball talk ignores the complexity of any real relationship, and of course it’s all completely sexist. But that’s not really our concern. The real question is… what about other ways to reach base, score, or even get out in baseball…and, er, with chicks?  How else can you reach base?  Well, what about a dropped third strike?  Would that be like having her pass out but sticking your tongue down her throat anyhow?  Or what about getting walked?  Well, that would be like getting a kiss in a situation where it is almost obligatory – as in after a first date. Or if you’ve somehow circumvented the first step – having gone straight from the batter’s box to second, third, or even home – then coming back to first; after all this, it would only be a like a walk.  Highly unlikely this last one, but possible.  And hey, in this day and age, could going to a relief pitcher be like popping Viagra when you just can’t keep it up?  Maybe.  Here’s a sexual equivalent for every other baseball term – banal or obscure – that we could think of off the top of our heads.