[Editor's Note: The following account was originally written almost nine years ago, in 2005,
and featured as an extra with the script of 'Chalky, Dufus & Shirt....The Sitcom'– Wedding Special',
which Shirt gave to Chalky & Tigger to mark their wedding (at which they foolishly let him be one of the Best Men).
It was originally for their eyes only, but Chalky has kindly agreed that it be shared with a wider audience as the Pottery/Leather
anniversary of the 'debauchery' approaches]
Chalky, Dufus, Shirt & Lupine…
…The Stag Weekend
Guest Starring: Punky
Something remarkable had happened !! No, it wasn’t that the friend’s favourite sci-fi programme had returned to its rightful place, Saturday evening television, it was far more surprising than that – Chalky and Tigger were getting married !!!
In a moment of madness, Chalky decided to have two Best Men, and in an even madder moment, decided that one of them should be Shirt (the other being his brother, Punky). Punky being too busy, with building a business in Manchester, and getting engaged himself, it fell to Shirt to help Chalky plan his stag weekend. Chalky’s being tee-total, initially caused problems, but then Chalky suggested a theme-park trip, and Shirt characteristically found an offer, allowing entry to four Staffordshire attractions, including Alton Towers and Drayton Manor Park (see C,D,S&T…Visit the Nightmare Fairs), as well as the Tamworth Snowdome and the self-explanatory Water-World (not the Kevin Costner film), for a bargain price. The fact that Dufus could provide free accommodation sealed the deal.
A large guest list was drawn up, but in the end it was only Lupine and Shirt who made their way up to Dufus’ with Chalky on the Friday before the planned festivities (Scooby was a late drop-out, and Punky was making his own way to Dufus’). To the strains of Madness, the three made their way through wind and rain, finally arriving at Dufus’ to find Punky already there and hungry, due to Dufus not having any food in as usual. A pizza was rung for, which proved to be both small and expensive. Managing to persuade Dufus not to show them his porn taped off cable, the five retired to their respective rooms for an early night prior to the next day’s exertions.
The plan that the entire gang would be up and out early enough to arrive at Alton Towers when it opened the next day fell by wayside. No-one seemed particularly energetic, and Shirt had to be almost dragged away from watching “Planet of Fire” on both UK Gold and UK Gold 2, flicking between the two so as not to miss the good bits. Finally, everyone was washed and dressed, but still hungry, Dufus not having any food in the house for breakfast.
We did tell him we were coming, didn’t we ?”, wondered Shirt aloud.
However, before the five piled out of the door, there were two more hold-ups. Firstly, agreeing whether Chalky or Dufus would drive, then Shirt produced a suit-bag that Chalky had been concerned about when he saw it the previous day, which proved to contain T-shirts for all the gang, with photos of Chalky on, at various ages. All quickly pulled these fashion gems on, and piled into Dufus’ car.
The journey proved to be a long one, with the queue to get into the Alton Towers car-park starting several miles away. The time was spent discussing religion (always a mistake), “Batman Begins”, and lots of faux macho-talk about girls. Finally parking in a car park that seemed to be in a different time-zone from the rides, and after a quick detour to the toilets, the five looked at the long queue for the monorail to the gates.
We’ll be quicker walking”, said Chalky.
The others stupidly believed him, and a mere twenty minutes later they found themselves at the Park’s gates, where Shirt dished out the “Thrill Hopper” tickets. It transpired that these tickets only worked in some entry gates, and Dufus managed to try almost every wrong gate before finally gaining entry.
The hungry group’s first stop was at a restaurant just inside the gates, where they all ate a late breakfast. People had begun staring at the visual representations of Chalky.
Wouldn’t have my stag weekend here”, was one of the most polite overheard comments.
Food finished, it was agreed that they would make for the most popular rides in an attempt to get “Fastrack tickets”, enabling them to come back later and avoid the long queue. Reaching “Nemesis” via the cable cars, the board indicated that all Fastrack tickets were gone. Believing that this would be the case on all popular rides, they decided to join the queue.
The ninety-minute queuing time was spent with the guys attempting to take photos of one another (Shirt with a cheap disposable camera), Dufus continually changing his mind over whether he would actually go on the ride when they got to the front, “talent-spotting”, and Shirt attempting to wind Chalky up by hinting that he had embarrassing surprises arranged for that evening. Finally they reached the front of the queue, stowed loose objects in the provided lockers (Dufus deciding to keep his glasses on), and the five were soon looping the loop, and in Shirt’s case, screaming his lungs out.
Exiting the ride, to their surprise they found that “Air” was still offering Fastrack tickets, and so all took one for later that afternoon. Next, Chalky, Lupine & Punky decided to go on “Ripsaw”, whilst Dufus and Shirt sat it out on the pretence of capturing the moment for prosperity.
Walking away from the ride, Chalky was upset that not only was his favourite “Black Hole” closed down, but there was no evidence that anything was being built in its place. Continuing on, they passed a large number of hen weekend groups, each wearing more outlandish costumes than the last. Lupine’s suggestion that they consider asking some of them to join the lads’ weekend was met with stony silence.
Next up was “Duel”, a ride where the boys shot zombies as they went round a ghost train. Shirt initially claimed that his gun didn’t work, then that Lupine sitting next to him shot them all first, to explain his pitiful score. The weather having held, they decided next to experience the water delights of the log flume. The long winding queue was broken up by water and duck related quiz questions (the flume being bath-themed), which suggested some very obscure answers – “Name a famous TV or Film duck ?”, where Daffy was not offered, and Howard the Duck was the second answer (where was Dooby Duck ?). They also took advantage of a shop halfway round selling crisps and drinks.
Reaching the front, the five piled into a bath, which moved off with concerning groaning sounds. Having undertaken two drops - one in the dark – and completely disregarded the “No Splashing” signs, they found themselves at the main drop. Everyone save Dufus decided to go down with their hands in the air, and on exiting Shirt was so impressed with the resulting photo that he purchased one. Unfortunately, it seemed that he had picked the only photo booth where you couldn’t pick the photo up at the entrance, so had to carry it about for the rest of the day.
There being an hour-and-a-half until their timed ticket for “Air”, the group decided to wander over and look at the Park’s newest attraction, “Rita, Queen of Speed”. On arrival, the information screen indicated that there was a two-hour queue for it, and noticing an almost non-existent queue for the “Corkscrew”, they decided to go on this instead. Fifteen minutes later, they were exiting the ride, and due to there still not being much of a queue decided to rejoin the queue. Not wishing to go round and round the empty queuing stalls, half the group jumped over some of the fences. Dufus and Shirt decided to be boring (nothing to do with the fact that they couldn’t climb the fence) and walk round. Just prior to the ride, some others jumped a fence in full view of the operators and were asked to leave. Dufus and Shirt looked at the others smugly. Another ten minutes later, and they had completed the ride for a second time.
They then slowly wandered back over to “Air”, stopping for Hot Dogs, for Dufus to attempt to bamboozle the “Guess Your Age” man (he failed), and for Shirt to attempt to put his photo in a locker. In the end the woman in customer services took pity on him, and put the bag in the locker room with Shirt’s name on it, for no charge. Arriving at “Air” at exactly the time on their tickets, they joined the shorter queue, and were soon lining up for the ride. Dufus was his usual indecisive self, and Shirt looked a little pale. The restraints snapped down, the riders were manoeuvred into a Superman flying pose, and then they were off.
It’s not very fast”, Chalky had told Shirt.
Lies !!!! Dufus was very quiet, whilst Shirt screamed his way round. The others just enjoyed the ride. That said, Shirt was keen to do it again, when they “landed”, having just got into it, when it had come to an end.
There being little else that they would be able to get on, they returned to the monorail, Shirt making a detour to pick up his photo and laugh at the people complaining about spending three hours in a queue for “Rita”. Reaching Dufus’ car they made good time back to base. All five flopped out in Dufus’ front room, until finally Shirt piped up that it was time to go to the Snowdome.
As they pulled into the Snowdome car-park, Dufus had a thought.
I think we might have had to arrive early for the briefing”, he said.
The five looked at their watches, three minutes before their booked “Adrenaline Tubing” time.
Entering the sub-tropical climes of the Dome, they all went up to the desk, producing their “Thrill Hoppers”. It seemed that they were late, and made later by the man at the desk having to write down the numbers on all their cards. However, after a very brief safety talk, and having signed a disclaimer, they were allowed onto the slopes ten minutes late. Only two other people were tubing at the same time, so as soon as the group reached the top each time, they were able to go down, which they did in various pairings. On one occasion, the attendant misjudged that the slides were clear, and Lupine had to quickly grab hold of the side of the slide after launching off, to prevent an accident. As the time ran out, Shirt attempted to take photos of the others with his knocked-about disposable camera, knowing that without a flash, the likelihood of them coming out was almost non-existent. A jobsworth attendant at the bottom made sure that they left at the exact minute that their time expired, and so out of protective gear, they drove round to a nearby Chinese restaurant, finally finding somewhere to park.
The meal progressed without incident, and Chalky was “over the moon” with the flashing “Stag Night” badge that Shirt had bought him. As the meal came to an end, a man at a nearby table became rowdy before leaving, and it was agreed between the five that delaying their departure would be a sensible idea. Dufus, on the other hand, was spoiling for a fight, so it seemed, but was restrained by the others. After a sensible delay, they returned to Dufus’, where Lupine and Punky quickly fell asleep. Chalky, Dufus and Shirt played a few rounds of “Date, Dump or Marry”, a game brought by Shirt, before watching Episode Four of “Terror of the Zygons”, which succeeded in sending Dufus and Shirt to sleep. It should be noted that the four sleepyheads had consumed two bottles of wine between them. All finally woke up, and managed to stay awake enough to stagger back to their respective rooms to sleep properly. The CDS gang really know how to “live it up !!”.
The next morning followed a similar pattern, but food seemed to have magically appeared for breakfast. However, they were still late leaving, but due to Drayton Manor being only fifteen minutes away, still arrived just after opening time. To Shirt’s annoyance, the Runaway Minetrain had been removed to make way for the new (as yet unopened) ride, “G-Force”, a “Rita”-clone. It had been agreed that the T-shirts would be left at home, and so it was in their normal apparel that they all lined up for “Stormforce 10”, having learnt their lesson, the previous year (see C,D,S&T…Visit the Nightmare Fairs). The queue moved surprisingly quickly when the ride opened, and the five soon found themselves crammed into a yellow lifeboat. Chalky and Shirt who wanted to sit further forward were told to sit in the bow of the boat by an attendant. Down the first drop, and Dufus, Lupine and Punky got quite wet (and a few young children standing by the railings got absolutely soaked). However, worse was to come for two of the party. Whilst queuing, Chalky and Shirt had laughed at children going under the bridge shivering, but on going backwards down the next drop, it was Chalky and Shirt who were drenched to the skin by the tidal-wave which plopped over the back of the boat, and ended up shivering as their boat slid under the bridge. The final drop evened it up a bit with Dufus, Lupine & Punky also getting soaked, Chalky and Shirt were already as wet as it was possible to get. Exiting the ride, Chalky poured a large volume of water from his shoes.
Deciding to go with the flow, wet-wise, next stop was the rapids. These completed, and all five soaked even further due to their boat getting stuck under the spray-heads at the side, they decided to take a look at a ride not tried by the core group last time – “Black Revolver”. This proved to be a fairground waltzer that spun very fast – in the dark. To Lupine’s delight, the tones of the Velvet Underground accompanied the spinning. The ride proved to have an annoying habit of seeming to be slowing down as if to stop, before speeding up again. Staggering off, Chalky and Punky decided to experience more spins, by going on Maelstrom, whilst Lupine, Dufus & Shirt simply looked on.
Next up was “Shockwave”, Europe’s only stand-up rollercoaster. Shirt had ‘bottled it’ last time, but this time it was all five that slowly climbed its way up to the boarding platform. It was decided not to queue for the front, and soon the five were struggling to strap themselves into the cars. Shirt had trouble with this, until he realised that he needed to lift the restraint before standing over the seat. Several loops later, and the five made their way to the refreshment stands for some sustenance.
Next up was the “Wild West Shoot-Out”, another shoot the targets as you go round ride. Yet again, Shirt got a “dodgy” gun, and consequentially got the lowest score, despite swapping guns halfway through. The “Pirates Adventure” was next, as the five slowly sailed through an interminable “Pirates of the Caribbean” rip-off. Chalky, Lupine & Punky then decided to go on the spinning “Pandemonium”, whilst Dufus and Shirt decided to partake of the big wheel.
However, the challenge of “Apocalypse”, the tower-drop, could be resisted no more. Again Dufus and Shirt decided to simply observe, as the other three joined a queue to be winched up to the top of the tower on a row of seats, then let drop back to earth. This not enough, they returned to do the standing-up version as well. However, from Chalky’s pale face after, this may have been a thrill too far !!
Some lighter thrills were called for, namely the “Excalibur” boat-ride and the “Buffalo Coaster”. These completed, they returned to “Shockwave”, deciding to ride at the front. Dufus declined this offer, so half an hour later, the other four were strapping themselves in at the front, which proved to be a much more thrilling ride. Punky was so impressed at the photo of him and Shirt on it (the latter again screaming his head off) that he got it on a keyring.
Time getting on, they decided to make their way back to Dufus where after a brief rest, and several more photos (with a set of antlers provided by Shirt), they packed up their stuff to return home.
Dufus gave Punky a lift to the station to get a train home, whilst Chalky, Shirt and Lupine piled into Chalky’s car, to slowly wend their way home. Everyone agreed that it had been a great weekend !!!
[PL]