Dufus & Shirt…

….Shops & Robbers

Dufus having taken advantage of Shirt's hospitality the weekend before, it was time for the favour to be returned. Birmingham's ENC was hosting its bi-annual "Memorabilia" event, and so it was agreed that Shirt would come up and stay with Dufus for the festivities. The presence of both Matthew Waterhouse and Elisabeth Sladen (the penultimate two companion signatures needed in his "The Eighties" book), as well as the lovely Nicola Bryant, both "Red Dwarf"'s Kochanskis (and Lister, Cat & Holly1), Louise Jameson, Tom Baker, Nicholas Courtney and Richard Franklin, meant that Shirt was looking forward to the event. Ever one to utilise a situation to its fullest extent, Shirt had sent the majority of items up to Birmingham in the care of Dufus, the previous weekend. Therefore, Shirt only had to gather a few CD covers (for Justin Richards), a video cover (for Ms. Jameson) and an issue of MDW (for Simon Furman), together and cram them into his record bag to take to work, along with changes of clothes, his phone charger, wash-bag, umbrella and two CDs for the way home. The bag was so full, Shirt had to tie it up with string to stop it bursting open.

Having spent the day rehabilitating offenders (oh, the dramatic irony !!!), Shirt made his way with his record bag and a carrier bag containing his CD walkman & CDs to Victoria Coach Station to catch the 5.30pm coach to Tamworth. At 5.20pm, the doors to the coaches opened, and Shirt followed the small queue to the coach. It was at this point that Shirt made his grave mistake.

"Shall I put this record bag in the hold ?", he asked.

"If you want", replied the driver sounding bored.

Stowing his bag in the hold by others heading past the first stop of Coventry, Shirt got onto the coach, which pulled away on time. However, it promptly got stuck in Friday evening London traffic. Shirt was oblivious to this, partaking of the audio delights of McGann & Fisher in Large Endings' "Zagreus". Glancing at the clock, Shirt noticed that it was the time that the screen at the coach station had indicated that they would reach Coventry, and the signs seemed to say "Watford". Two children and their agitated mother also seemed to have noticed this, particularly as the twin girls had had enough of trying to sleep, and frantic phone calls were made to the person picking them up to say they were delayed.

At around 8.20pm, the coach entered the outskirts of Coventry, and Shirt 'phoned Dufus to tell him that he would be about 45 minutes late, promising to 'phone him when he got closer. The coach pulled into Coventry's Pool Meadow Bus Station, the driver pressed the button to open the hold, and three-quarters of the coach's passengers got off. However, someone outside the coach was up to mischief, but Shirt was too wrapped up in the delights of "The Maltese Penguin" to notice. The coach set off again and around 15 minutes later, the driver came over the tannoy.

"The next stop is Nuneaton. Can all passengers please get off and check their luggage, as it's been reported to me that someone was seen taking bags that weren't theirs at Coventry"

Shirt's heart fell slightly, but he reassured himself that his bag would be safe.

Nuneaton was reached, and Shirt watched with apprehension as the driver opened the hold, which was empty apart from a few large cases - of Shirt's record bag tied with string, there was no sign !!!

The driver was vaguely apologetic and told Shirt that he would inform the police as they drove to Tamworth, advising Shirt to 'phone the number on his ticket, ie. National Express Head Office. Shirt did this, leaving his details. A quick call to Dufus, told him to leave for Tamworth Bus Station.

Tamworth Bus Station proved to be a row of five bus-stops. Getting off the coach and giving the driver his details so that he could be contacted with a crime number or if the bag turned up, Shirt stood around in the icy wind of the Midlands, waiting for Dufus to pick him up. Finally, a car with Dufus at the wheel, pulled up at the bus stop and Shirt got in. Angrily recalling the events described above, Shirt brought Dufus "up to speed". At Dufus' house, Shirt made a large number of telephone calls - to National Express, Coventry Police, his home to get his bank details, and his bank to cancel the chequebook that was in the bag. Negativity hanging over the evening, given Shirt's loss of signed covers and other valuables, it was agreed that prior to going to the ENC, the two of them would make a detour to Coventry Bus Station, as the police had said that some bags had been recovered.

Rising early the next day, Shirt dressed in his clothes from the previous day, and utilised Dufus' electric razor. Grabbing their items to be signed, and with Shirt navigating (always a bad idea), the two made their way to Coventry. Due to Shirt's navigation skills, the car went round the Coventry ring-road three times, before taking the right exit for the bus station. Parking in a nearby car-park, the two wandered over to the scene of the crime, and found the security post. Two bags had indeed been found, and Shirt's hopes were raised. However, both bags stored in the little storeroom were larger than Shirt's, when shown to the pair. After a grand scout round the local area where the bag may have been discarded without success and running into the inept driver from the night before, the two friends left Shirt's details with security and returned to the car, setting off for the ENC. The majority of the journey was taken up with Shirt dictating the contents of his bag to Coventry Police to get a crime number - "The CD's called 'The Syndeton Experiment' ! 'S' 'Y' 'N'…..".

Having negotiated the confusing road layout between the ENC car-parks, and carefully following the signs for "Memorabilia", Dufus parked the car, and the two looked around them, trying to identify landmarks in order that they could find the car again. This done, they walked over and paid for the car-park, Dufus forgetting to give the ticket to Shirt for safekeeping. It being the Midlands, rain was driving down in "sheets", and due to Dufus not having brought his umbrella and Shirt's being stolen, the two decided not to wait for the courtesy bus, and strode out in what seemed to be the right direction. By some lucky chance (or fluke), they soon found themselves at the right exhibition hall. After a brief detour to get some money out of the cashpoint (the first queues of the day), Dufus and Shirt wandered back to the exhibition hall, momentarily confused by the two queues. A member of ENC security clarified the position - queue 1 was for tickets, queue 2 to get in, and if you wanted the earlybird ticket (a bit late, due to the detour to Coventry) which would let you in immediately (as opposed to ten minutes later for £5 less), you by-passed both queues. The queues were both long, but queue 1 moved quickly, as only cash and cheques were accepted. While they were waiting, Dufus and Shirt were amused by "Star Wars" fans having their pictures taken with people dressed as Stormtroopers, who all adopted "Luke captured by the troopers" (that's got to hurt) poses. Having bought their tickets, the two friends joined the even longer queue 2, but in a display of perfect timing, found it surged forward almost immediately as the magic hour of 11am was reached.

On entry, the What Shop stall was in clear view and so Dufus and Shirt made haste to the area where the signings were apparently taking place. Passing a number of 1960's footballers sitting looking lonely, the two turned a corner to find the Punch Middle stall, featuring Tom, Louise, Craig & Danny. A queue had already formed for Tom (or GOD) and Louise, and so like the good fans that they were, Dufus & Shirt joined it. Dufus was excited to see that the Punch Middle had imported "Talking Tom Baker"'s, which they were selling at only £7.50 more than the retail price on release early the next year. Having checked that it entitled him to a personal item for both guests (like that's why he bought it), Dufus paid the requisite money, and proffered the TARDIS boxed item to GOD to sign. Shirt, however, was buying another qualifying item, an overpriced print of Tom & Louise in the Sherlockian influenced "Talons of Weng Chiang". GOD happily signed Dufus' new toy (twice !!), and Louise Jameson put her mark on two of Dufus' personal items. Not realising that Dufus had done this as he did not want Louise on the Talking Tom TARDIS box, Shirt took the opportunity to get Tom's signature on two personal items, before getting Louise on "Zagreus". Shirt was interested by the large number of people getting Tom & Louise's signature on the "Three Doctors" DVD boxset ("He's not one of the three!").

Tom, however, was interested in Dufus' "Image of the Fendahl" cover.

"Directed by George Spenton-Foster ?", then turning to Louise, "Did you ever work with George Spenton-Foster ?"

"Yes", Louise replied understandingly, "I was in 'Image of the Fendahl' !"

"Were you ?", asked Tom, but Louise seemed to be now ignoring him.

A quick photo each with the pair, and their audience with GOD was at an end.

Moving on, they joined a shorter queue for Craig and Danny (the Dwarfers). The queue moved quite slowly, as Punch Middle staff kept removing one or both of them from the signing table to pose with fans to be immortalised in "crystal" blocks. Both Dufus & Shirt bought the "Red Dwarf III" DVD, which again entitled them to one personal item per guest. Dufus got his "Series I" DVD signed (having kindly donated his previous signed "Series I" cover to Shirt), as well as "Series III", whilst Shirt got his "Red Dwarf VIII" book and "Red Dwarf II" DVD signed by Craig and Danny respectively. Again, both posed with the celebrities, whose spirits improved when a tray of beers arrived on the signing table.

Moving on again, the two friends wandered around some nearby stalls, before finding themselves at the Seventh Galaxy stall, where Shirt told Little Ted in great detail about his bag being stolen. However, it seemed that Seventh Galaxy only had a plethora of BBC CD covers, not Large Endings'. Dufus took the opportunity to buy "Liberation", an unofficial Blake's 7 programme guide for Paul Darrow, who was signing round the corner. Joining the long queue for Seventh Galaxy's five guests, Dufus & Shirt rummaged in their pockets for money to buy photos. Matthew Waterhouse was first, and happily signed a Season 21 cast photo and Shirt's "The Eighties" (for the payment of an additional fee). He seemed most impressed by the number of signatures that Shirt had amassed, but thought that he could predict a gap:

"I bet you haven't got Janet Fielding !", he chanced.

"Wrong !", said Shirt pointing out the signature, "Seventh Galaxy have had her twice!"

Mr. Waterhouse decided to let this double entendre go. Next up was Clare Grogan, who happily signed a photo of herself and Mr. Charles, and posed for a picture. Shirt also noticed that she was attempting to sell her entire pop back-catalogue on the table in front of her. Moving along to Kochanski II, the lovely Chloe Annett, Shirt picked the photo of her looking stern (a pattern was emerging - see CDS….The Doctor Will See You Now ). Ms Annett happily signed the photo, then offered Shirt a chocolate from the box of Celebrations in front of her, scolding him when he looked rather than taking whatever he grabbed (Ding-Dong). Standing and leaning over the table, getting as close to Shirt as she could, she posed for a photo, before doing the same with Dufus.

Norman Lovett was next, and was selling his own items. As Shirt approached him, he was hungrily counting a pile of notes. Shirt was about to ask him how much his photos were, when two figures both carrying glasses of beer, barged into the queue, and began haranguing Mr. Lovett. Turning Shirt found that the source of the disturbance was Messrs. Charles & John-Jules, who had obviously had enough of sitting quietly with the Punch Middle and had decided to come and mock their good mate, Norm. Mr. Lovett merely waved his large wad of notes at them, and advised them in future to organise their own merchandise. The two interlopers gone, Shirt purchased a photo of Norman, and having had this signed and shaken Mr. Lovett's hand stepped out of the queue. Dufus, however, continued along to Mr. Darrow, where a disagreement arose over getting his "Liberation" signed.

"But I bought it from 'Seventh Galaxy' !"

"It'll still cost you an extra £5 to get it signed !", said the Seventh Galaxy staff-member, to embarrassed looks from Mr. Darrow.

The disagreement solved, after Dufus had paid his dues, Mr. Darrow signed Dufus' items, commenting on the large amount of money in Dufus' wallet, and Dufus quickly joined Shirt.

Wandering round the corner, and through a long queue for Tara from "Buffy", the two found themselves at the What Shop signing area. Deciding to spurn his love, Ms. Bryant, as he already had all the displayed photos and had few non-signed Nicola items, Shirt paid for two personal items with Elisabeth Sladen, who happily signed his "Five Doctors" and "The Eighties". Dufus got a "K9 & Co" publicity photo and "Sarah Jane Smith" audio signed, and the two moved off. Paul McGann it seemed was on a break, and neither of them wanted to pay £15 to meet Darth Green Cross Code Man, Dave Prowse, and so they moved off again.

Dufus and Shirt then decided to visit ALL the rest of the stalls before lunch. This proved to be no mean feat due the large number of stalls, all selling things that you didn’t know that you wanted. Universe 10 was found to be having a grand sale of 'Reeltime' videos - 4 for £10 - and five minutes later, Dufus and Shirt were staggering away with Cyberman-style bags crammed with videos (4 in Shirt's case, 12 in Dufus'). Conversations as the two went round seemed to follow specific rules:

S: "Have you got this DW/Quantum Leap/Blake's 7 book, Dufus ?"

D: "Dunno !"

Finally, all the stalls had been visited. Shirt decided to make use of the facilities, and returned to find that Dufus had bought a guardsman's uniform for his Action Man (because he'd always wanted one). The time now gone 2pm, and their arms getting tired from the bags of videos, it was decided to return to Dufus' car. This they did, getting their hands stamped to allow readmittance.

Walking swiftly back to Dufus' car, it seemed that the friends' recollection of landmarks was at fault, and it took some minutes to find the car in the car park. Finally, however, the vehicle was found (by Dufus, Shirt was still looking for Dufus' old car), and videos and other excess items were stored in the boot. Returning to the ENC, it proved to be difficult to find somewhere to eat, due to a distinct lack of tables at any establishment that served more than sandwiches. However, a table finally became free at a café, and both Shirt & Dufus partook of a hot-dog and chips. Looking around him, Shirt was interested by the legend above another exhibition hall - "British Lacemakers Christmas Exhibition" ("I wonder if anyone's signing, and if so, is it in crochet ?").

Returning to the exhibition hall, Dufus & Shirt re-entered, waving their hands under the fluorescent light. Just inside the entrance, the two were seized upon.

"Are you 'Doctor Who' fans ?", asked the woman.

"Yes", stumbled Shirt, worried about what was coming next.

"Well how about having your picture taken in one of our computer-generated scenes", the woman continued, gesturing to a wall of pictures of seemingly identical Dalek Control rooms.

Shirt made his excuses and attempted to leave, but the woman had identified the weak link.

"How about your friend ?", asked the woman.

"Yes", thought Shirt.

"Yes", said Dufus, dutifully paying his £12, picking the "most popular" scene, and posing in front of a large piece of white paper. The picture having been taken (see below) and Dufus' details noted, the two moved off in search of the advertised "Only Fools and Horses" guests.

 Finally finding the OFAH stand, the two were dismayed that the advertised Saturday guests, namely Sue Holderness and Roy Heather, were not there, the Sunday guests of John Challis & Roger Lloyd-Pack taking their place. Also it seemed that no personal items were allowed, so both decided to give it a miss. Shirt bought another copy of "The Wormery" to replace his stolen copy, and managed to get Nicholas Courtney on a personal item as well, due his not being in the purchased CD. The stalls were plundered again, but with no great purchases, and so it was decided to give up for the night, and return to Dufus'. Leaving the ENC, Shirt was amused by the legend "Midlands Construction Exhibition" above an exhibition hall, whose contents were being deconstructed. Dufus' car was found much more easily than the previous occasion, and Dufus also remarkably remembered where he had put the car park ticket. 

The evening was spent in watching Dufus' "Return to Devil's End", repeats on cable, the CiN "Dead Ringers: The Weakest Link" DW parody, and in realising that Dufus only had four out of the five "Sarah Jane Smith" audios. However, there was some good news - a message from Shirt's father that security at Pond Meadow had been on to Shirt's home address to say that a bag containing a pair of green socks and a list of DW Radio Times' had been found. It was therefore agreed that even if the bag only contained these items, it was worth going to pick them up.

The next morning, after a leisurely breakfast served on Dufus' new dining table, Shirt dressed in the same clothes for the third day running, the two friends started off for Coventry again. Only going round the ring-road on one occasion this time, they parked up, and again wandered over to the security post. The same security officer was on duty, and again led the two to the storeroom.

"We found it inside one of the other bags", he told Shirt, opening the door to reveal the missing bag, still with string (albeit clumsily cut), and still bursting from its contents.

Grabbing the bag, and thanking the security officer warmly, Shirt and Dufus returned to the car, where a search of the bag revealed only Shirt's electric razor and umbrella to be missing, and all his covers to be intact.

"My shirts are still there !", exclaimed Shirt.

"Obviously criminals with taste !", quipped Dufus.

Shirt then took the opportunity to change his clothes in the back seat, whilst Dufus' "leather" jacket and bulk prevented people from spying in. It was therefore a much happier (and slightly less smelly) Shirt who navigated the way to "Cadbury World" with a minimum of wrong turns.

Arriving early, the two wasted time in the café, consuming Cadbury Schweppes drinks, and trying to avoid all the hyperactive little kids, until the entry-time on their tickets rolled round. They therefore joined the entry queue, looking on hungrily as groups were given great big bags of chocolate. Reaching the front, they were slightly disappointed when they were given a bag containing only four chocolate bars, until Shirt pointed out that the other groups had about five or six people in. Having watched a short video about how the Aztecs ("Look at the funny hats!") first made chocolate, and looked at various tableau, they moved into the next gallery, where hologramatic figures appeared in model houses to explain how chocolate came to this country.

Moving into the next gallery, they found themselves in a mock-up of the Birmingham street where Cadbury had his first shop, before being ushered in to see a multimedia presentation from the Cadbury Family. This completed, the next theatre had many signs warning against sitting on the benches if you had a heart condition, which as the film about manufacturing chocolate went on, became clear. Having empathised with cocoa beans, the doors opened to reveal lots of machines explaining how different Cadbury confections are made.

Waiting for a gap in the rush to press the buttons, Dufus and Shirt, finally found how to make Crunchies, Fry's Turkish Delight, Flakes, Easter Eggs and Crème Eggs. This completed (and two full theatre-fulls of other visitors having passed by), the two climbed the stairs towards the actual factory. At the top of the stairs, the pair were pleased to find another desk with chocolate, and another four bars were added to the goody bag. The factory being open, they continued along a long corridor in the direction of the loud rumblings. The factory was making Dairy Milk with Biscuit that day, and they watched as box after box and bar after bar went past on conveyor belts. There was also a lovely cocoa smell in the air. Reaching the far side of the lower factory floor, they watched a video on the machinery which Dufus swore was voiced by Geoffrey Beevers (the level of noise from the surrounding machines making it hard to tell). Moving up another floor, they watched bars being wrapped in foil, and were pleased to see small glasses of molten chocolate for tasting. Both managing to get melted chocolate all around the lower half of their faces, they moved on, back downstairs, and back along to where they had got the chocolate bars. However, no more bars were on offer.

The two then partook of the delights of "Cadabra", a cocoa-bean themed ride, in which visitors travel around tableau of cocoa beans at home, work and play, as well as Mr. Cadbury's Parrot and other Cadbury advertising characters including Chomp and the Caramel bunny. When getting into the car, the two of them had been told to smile for the camera, but this did not seem in evidence. Giving up on the fake grins, Dufus and Shirt had just finished looking at a cocoa bean with a deerstalker and pipe, when a sign appeared saying "Say Chocolate !!", and there was a flash. Exiting the ride, and glancing at the screens on the way down to the next area, Dufus and Shirt saw the abysmalness of the image (see below). That said, both bought a copy at the bottom of the stairs.

 Father Christmas was also in evidence, but they decided to forego having their picture taken with him. Moving on round, Dufus and Shirt proved to be expert chocolatiers, by dipping a small block of caramel in molten chocolate to form a sweet. Dufus was torn between eating it immediately or waiting ten minutes for it to set. Through an exhibition of how they did the animation for those bits before "Coronation Street", into a video about Cadbury advertising over the years, and the pair found themselves in "The Biggest Cadbury Shop In The World". Not finding anything they wanted, the pair exited the main building, going over to "Cadbury Land". This proved to be an animatronic children's show based on the Noddy Holder-voiced TV commercials. Dufus and Shirt were the only people in the theatre and so had to press their "magic buttons" even harder !!! A brief stop-off in the "Cadbury Collection" museum, and the two were on their way back to Dufus'.

The evening was spent in watching "Thunderpants" on cable, and eating the chocolate from the goody bags. Early next morning on his way into work, Dufus dropped Shirt off at the Bus Station. Shirt got on the coach, closely grasping all his possessions, and on his way home, to the strains of the final episode of "Zagreus", he mused on what a weekend of extremes it had been !

[PL]