Chalky, Dufus & Shirt…

…Invasion III!

It was just like old times. Lupine was gigging, Enigma was absent without leave and Chalky wasn’t bringing Tigger. And so it was that the triumvirate of Chalky, Dufus and Shirt wended their merry way to Barking Library for 7^th Galaxy’s now legendary Invasion convention.

Advertised guests were to have been Jean Marsh, Bonnie Langford, Kate O’Mara, Jasmine Breaks, Nicholas Parsons and, the overrated and disturbingly worshipped Tom Baker.

As fate would wave a wicked hand, both Nicholas and Tom pulled out (no doubt causing apoplexies of rage from the Cult of Tom). However, Lady Luck flew in to save the day and replaced them with William Russell and Tony Selby.

Chalky offered to drive, seeing as Dufus was travelling the distance from Birmingham the day before and might be a bit worn out. Chalky picked Shirt and Dufus up from Shirt’s abode (where Dufus had been staying for the weekend) and surprised them both by being on time! A slight delay was narrowly diverted when Dufus thought he had left his wallet in the house, but fortunately he had only put it in a different pocket to the one he usually used. The trio were determined to find the correct route on the way home and so studiously studied the exit from the Rotherhithe Tunnel, which had so mysteriously disappeared the previous year.

With the juddery strains of Shirt’s compilation CD (created on what seems to be not such a brilliant Christmas present of a CD burner) blasting in their ears, they sang along to the GoGos, Roberta Tovey and Jarvis Cocker (now there’s a TOTP line up).

Eventually reaching Barking Library via a slightly less traditional route and navigating numerous roadworks, the trio found themselves not having to wait in a lengthy queue for opening time, as the doors were already welcoming attendees.

Dufus strode up to the desk where Little Ted was checking numbers. Dufus had forgotten his, despite apparently having been told to remember it on the phone.

Chalky and Shirt then passed through without tickets and just the trust of Little Ted that they had actually paid and simply not received their confirmation numbers. Chalky seriously considered just not paying next year and seeing if he could get away with it.

Wandering in, the trio perused the merchandise stands with all three realising that, for once, there was very little they actually wanted to purchase.

Shirt was determined to join the autograph queue for the quadruple header of Bonnie Langford, Tony Selby, Jasmine Breaks and William Russell.

Chalky was umming and ahhing over attending the Jean Marsh panel and Dufus just seemed worried about whether he had won the Remote Control Dalek in the 10^th Planet online competition – of which more later.

Eventually all three agreed to queue for autographs, Chalky rationalising that once he had Jasmine and Tony’s autographs he could quite happily spend the rest of the day watching the panels, seeing as he wanted his money’s worth this year (which he didn’t feel was gained waiting in queues for a couple of hours at a time for people he’d already met at the store).

However, it looked as though the best laid plans of mice and men were about to go all cheesy. The signing didn’t start at 10 am as advertised due to the lateness of William Russell. With the trio stuck in the queue only inches ahead of Shirt’s favourite family – minus the irritating child – tempers began to fray. Chalky was concerned that he would miss Bonnie’s panel, Shirt was close to thumping the whinging wife and Dufus was verbally barraging Big Ted with questions about why he hadn’t won the Remote Control Dalek.

“The correct answer was 5 Masters,” explained Big Ted, exasperatedly.

“But I put that!” protested Dufus.

“Yes, but you also put a long-winded farty-arse addition in brackets with some crap about that bloke who played Roger Delgado in disguise in Terror of the Autons.”

“So I didn’t win then?”

“No.”

Eventually, the signing began – without William Russell. Having met him previously, the trio were not overly concerned. Approaching the table, the trio began to drool over Jasmine. Fans seemed to be leaving her presence with a strange limp in their walk – as if a sonic screwdriver was digging into their leg.

Miss Langford was presented with Shirt’s Audio Script Book which intrigued her, noting how “clever” the Large Endings team were – even more so when she found out the book had been released just prior to Christmas.

After squeezing Bonnie on to the cover of Bang-Bang-A-Boom!, the trio moved on to Mr. Selby. He seemed so cheerful joking about signing lots of autographs ‘to Dufus’. Chalky it seemed was a first, but ‘Shirt’ was met with similar exasperation to Dufus. Little did the trio know about Mr. Selby’s little soapbox which would rear its head later.

It was then that the gang met with the wonder that was Miss Jasmine Breaks.

Managing to do the ‘shirt, and the cap and the jacket flap’, the trio had her sign their items (ooer) with Shirt reeling with joy from being told to ‘take care’ by Miss Breaks.

Having got all the autographs they really wanted, it was off to the refreshment area to get some sustenance, Chalky not actually managing to have had breakfast before their early start.

Queuing up behind Dufus and Chalky was the unfortunate figure of Mr. Nicholas Briggs. Never one to miss a trick, Dufus launched into a question about what Mr. Briggs’s name badge read in his cameo appearance in The League of Gentlemen. Having established it actually was Gary Russell and that it had been Mark Gatiss’s idea, Mr. Briggs attempted to remove himself from Dufus’s presence before he could be asked similarly obscure questions about Embrace the Darkness or Sword of Orion (although if Chalky had thought of it at the time, he would have asked why the Cybermen even bothered to show up).

From here, the trio descended upon the panel room where they would spend a sizeable chunk of the day.

First up was Bonnie Langford. Chat centred around the Doctor Who part of her career which led to a few amusing anecdotes about various monsters and screaming.

Next up was Kate O’Mara. A joy of a panel for the trio as Miss O’Mara imparted numerous theatrical anecdotes of the luminaries she has worked with, including a hilarious topless story involving Timothy West.

Then came lunch. Trekking over as usual to McDonalds, the trio were keen to return in time for an Authors panel and also keen to sit as far from the Family from Hell as possible.

Returning to the venue, Chalky decided to ring Tigger on his phone and ‘check-in’ as Shirt liked to call it. The phone call was ended abruptly when the trio learned that a trailer for the webcast of Shada was about to be screened in the panel room ahead of the authors panel. Dashing in they took their seats and marvelled at the tech-guys inability to play the sound and picture together and to get the lights down enough so it could actually be seen.

After an interesting authors panel where Paul Ebbs made sure Large Endings would never ask him to write an audio, it was the turn of Tony Selby and Jasmine Breaks.

What ensued was an uncomfortable panel for both Jasmine and audience alike.

Much of Mr. Selby’s previous ‘niceness’ seemed to dissipate into a tirade against the state of British television. Unfortunately this was exactly the television that Miss Breaks works in. When she announced the programme she was working on was a game show called Judgement Day with Brian Conley, Mr. Selby could be seen to exhume steam from his ears. Along with a completely out of place question about the war with Iraq, the panel returned again and again to the BBC bashing with very little said about either’s role in the TV series or their work since – due mainly to poor interviewing by Jeremy Bentham.

Onwards they moved and Shirt departed to avoid having to listen to Hartnell anecdotes, as William Russell took the stage. By this time, Dufus and Chalky were also getting numb bums but the lure of the ever so slightly dotty Mr. Russell won out against the threat of deep vein thrombosis.

After a disturbing moment where it looked like Mr. Russell was about the drop his trousers in front of the hundred-strong crowd, the panel continued to highlight Mr. Russell’s immense acting career.

Meanwhile in their absence, Shirt was taking the opportunity of getting “up close and personal” with the lovely Ms. Breaks, on the pretence of posing for a photo.

Tempted though they were by Nicholas Brigg’s Dalek voice panel, Dufus and Chalky were aware that their bottoms seemed to have gone for a walk, so went out to find them and Shirt. Shirt was now standing in a queue for Mr. Russell (who had apparently teleported to a signing table). With a couple of items given to Shirt for signing, cos he didn’t really have anything for Mr. Russell, Dufus and Chalky went off to peruse the stalls one last time. (Neither Chalky nor Dufus have yet to find out why Shirt was in the queue if he didn’t really want Mr. Russell’s signature).

Moving upstairs, the trio bought a few items from the ubiquitous Steve Cambden and then took their seats to wait for Arrant Nonsense – the ‘hilarious’ sketch show promised to round off the day.

They’re still waiting…

(Not entirely fair – there were a few funny sketches. They were just surrounded by an awful lot of unfunny sketches.)

And off they went, after a quick visit to the cash machine, in their little green car.

Determined to find the Rotherhithe Tunnel, the trio actually did and got home in time for 24 – hurrah!

[AE]