Chalky, Dufus and Shirt…

...INVASION II

Seventh Galaxy were holding a follow-up to their previous convention “Invasion” (see C,D,S…Invasion!), imaginatively titled “Invasion II”. The promised guests were Colin Baker, Louise Jameson, Anthony Ainley, Geoffrey Beevers, Jennie Linden (from the first Dalek movie), David Warwick (Kimus in “The Pirate Planet”), India Fisher, and Juliet Warner (star of upcoming Large Endings’ audio “The Chimes of Midnight”). Both Enigma and Lupine were otherwise engaged (despite the fact that Lupine had reserved a ticket), and so it was the core-group that made its way to Barking. After the fun of the drive the previous year due to an expected Tube strike, the decision was made that they should again utilise an automobile to get to Barking Library. After discussion, it was madly agreed that Dufus should drive, and so on the Sunday in question, Dufus arrived at Shirt’s place of abode, to be told that Chalky had ‘phoned to say that he was running late, due to oversleeping. The stated cause for this was his preparation of a compilation tape for the journey. The two therefore made their way to Chalky’s house, with Shirt very concerned that Dufus’ car kept stalling every few hundred metres, wondering if they would make it out of Sutton, let alone to Barking.

On finally reaching Chalky’s house, they found the door wide-open, causing both to briefly consider burgling it. However, Chalky appeared at this point, and the three returned to Dufus’ car. With Chalky’s navigational skills, the three somehow found their way to Barking Town Centre, singing along to the variety of WHO-related songs which made up a large proportion of Chalky’s infamous compilation tape. After a few problems finding the entrance to the car-park opposite the library, they finally parked, and joined the queue, behind a man dressed as the Master, The three then desperately tried to find something else to be laughing about, rather than the sight of “the Master” in front of them.

“I Always Dress For The Occasion”

The queue finally began moving, and the three rummaged in their bags for their confirmation letters, Dufus realising that he had left his at home. Shirt noticed Chalky’s infamous “Companions” book – “Who’s that for ?”, he asked.

“Jennie Linden.”

“Damn”, said Dufus and Shirt in unison, having forgotten that Ms. Linden could sign their own “Companions” books.

Luckily, it seemed that Dufus’ missing confirmation letter was not fatal, and all three were given their convention passes by Little Ted. Moving along, they were confronted by Hamble selling raffle tickets.

“Ooh a raffle ! I'll have 2 strips”, said Dufus.

Chalky took one strip.

“I might as well have one as well”, said Shirt uncertainly.

Moving over to the merchandise stall, the three spent too much money on items including two new Large Endings’ audios, and various WHO books and magazines. Having done so, they went into the main auditorium, where it seemed that despite his panel not being until the afternoon, Anthony Ainley had started his JNT-bashing early, and was addressed an expectant throng. Mr. Ainley’s off-the-cuff question-and-answer session soon petered out, and Hamble appeared to welcome everyone to the event, and to introduce the first panel of the day, one featuring stars and crew of Large Endings.

Nicholas Briggs led the way in, followed by Jason Haigh-Ellery, John Ainsworth, David Darlington, Mark Wright, Rob Shearman and Juliet Warner. But to the friends’ dismay, there was no sign of Edwardian Adventuress, India Fisher. Nick explained that India was stuck in traffic as she was currently on tour in a play which was currently a long way away. That said watching the exquisite, self-confessed “WHO virgin”, Juliet Warner, more than made up for the temporary absence of Ms. Fisher. India finally staggered in, looking very tired and battered, taking her seat, before being surreptitiously groped by Hamble. The panel moved along at quite a pace, with all three impressed by the wit of Nick Briggs. Jason seemed very pleased that they had gained the rights to “Judge Dredd”, but seemed unprepared for the level of apathy that greeted his question “Who’s a ‘Judge Dredd’ fan here ?”. Ms. Warner provoked further laughter when she revealed that she had listened to the tapes of “Chimes” author, Rob Shearman’s previous WHO audio “The Holy Terror” in the wrong order (a mistake it turned out, also made by Mr. Shearman’s mother), and showed her continuing lack of knowledge about fandom by asking “How many of you became fans through listening to the audios?”. This naïveté further endeared her to the three friends. India and Juliet then began drooling over Paul McGann, when asked what it was like working with him, and a mock verbal catfight ensued. Just as the session was finishing, Juliet dropped a bombshell, not only was she to be in the forthcoming Large Endings’ Sarah Jane Smith audios, but also she was to be playing a character called Sam Jones. The panel came to an end, and the three friends trooped out to meet the audio babes (and Large Endings’ staff).

“Trust me, ‘Sword of Orion’ is good!!!”

Pausing briefly to massage the ego of Paul Ebbs, by getting him to sign the recently released Bernice Summerfield audio of which he was the proud author, the friends approached the signing table. India was first, and smiled at the friends, signing their audio covers, and posing for photographs. Juliet was next, and was bent far over the table signing “Chimes” covers, causing both Dufus and Shirt to notice that clearly visible over the rear waistband of her hipster jeans was a lacy white thong. Chalky’s mind, however, was on more fannish things:

"Are you THE Sam Jones?”, he asked a confused Juliet. When she did not answer, he continued,

“Well sign my companions book anyway".

Juliet signed the proffered book, with a slightly scared smile. (Incidentally for the record, Juliet WAS to have played Sam Jones, one-time Eighth Doctor companion, but a few weeks later, the part was rewritten to be less continuity-bound, with Juliet’s character no longer being Sam).

A quick word with Rob Shearman about the excellence of “The Holy Terror”, signatures on “Chimes” (and Chalky’s “Punchline”), a signature from Mark Wright and David Darlington and the three moved off.

"I put my arm round India Fisher!", boasted Dufus, mocking Chalky’s claim some years before in relation to Sophie Aldred.

It appeared that Dufus was not the only one excited by this, as a few minutes later, the gang saw Dorian, from the local group, whose twin passions were Daleks and India Fisher (bet, he couldn’t wait for “Time of the Daleks”!), coming into the library, excited at having met India outside where she was having a cigarette, closely followed by Servalan, who was looking unimpressed having just taken a photo of Dorian and India together.

Moving upstairs, Chalky, Dufus and Shirt joined the queue for the two Masters, Anthony Ainley and Geoffrey Beevers, and Jennie Linden. However, Ms. Linden seemed to be not in demand, and the three were allowed out of the queue to go to her table. Chalky offered his “Companions” book and Dalek movie video-cover, the latter also being offered by Dufus. Shirt was next and having got a small publicity photo and his Dalek movie cover signed, offered Ms. Linden the cover from the BBC release of two Douglas Wilmer Sherlock Holmes episodes, the second featuring Jennie. Ms. Linden examined the cover closely, stating that she was not aware that the episode had been released, and asked Shirt suspiciously where he had got it, as it was a performance missing from her own collection. Feeling that his cover would not end up being signed, Shirt assured her that he had bought the video from a BBC shop several years before.

“Thank you for coming to talk to me”

Finally, Ms. Linden signed the cover, and Shirt rejoined Chalky and Dufus in their place in the queue for Anthony and Geoffrey. The time was spent deciding whether they should go and see India in her current play, when it came close to London. Just as they were close to the front of the queue, Hamble appeared, and stated that the queue would stop at the point it had reached as it was lunchtime. After heated words from our friends and others, it was agreed that they would all be able to go to the front of the new queue after lunch. Lunch took place at McDonalds, but this year, Dufus managed to get only one meal. It was after lunch that it happened:

Chalky and Shirt needed to visit the nearby cashpoint, as they had spent all their cash on overpriced WHO merchandise that morning. Having gained the requisite cash, they made to return to the Library. However, Dufus had other ideas.

“I’ll just get another £10 out ?”, was his innocent statement.

Card inserted, Dufus tapped out four numbers on the keypad. The message on screen was immediate and to the point –

“WRONG PIN”

Concerned, Dufus attempted to re-enter his PIN, but the keyboard had locked, and all attempts to exit, and retrieve his bank card proved fruitless. Finally something happened – the screen went blank, then the legend – “Rebooting”. The machine then spent two minutes slowly rebooting.

“Maybe it’ll eject your card when it’s finished”, suggested Shirt in mock hopefulness.

The machine finished rebooting, and a message appeared on the screen –

“OUT OF SERVICE”.

Dufus let out a yell of anger, and began pummelling the machine. After a few seconds, both Chalky and Shirt pointed out that not only did the machine have a built-in security camera, but also that this was the part which Dufus appeared to be pummelling. Concerned by this, Dufus ceased his GBH of Lloyds Bank property, and in a display of sensible thought phoned his own bank to cancel the card. To Chalky and Shirt’s surprise and concern, Dufus gave the operator his bank account number from memory, along with his code-word, “Dalek”. Due to an absence of paper, the reference number given to him, had be written on Shirt’s hand (to be copied down later). The three then returned to Barking Library, Chalky and Shirt suppressing laughter at the recent events.

The infamous cashpoint

Returning to rejoin the queue for Anthony and Geoffrey, the three briefly chatted to Large Endings’ voice-man Toby Longworth, discussing his recent audio tour-de-force as Beep the Meep. A few signatures later, the three of them were bothering Hamble, reminding him of his promise to let them be at the front of the queue. To shut them up, Hamble ushered them towards the two Masters. Anthony Ainley was first, and all three were disappointed that he didn’t ask them where they came from, and the “Do you know Servalan ?” question that always followed. Geoffrey Beevers was also in fine form, and looked incredulous when Shirt admitted that he had been surprised by the cliffhanger to Episode 2 of Geoffrey’s recent Large Endings’ audio “Dust Breeding”, despite the obvious (in hindsight) character name clue.

Leaving the two Masters, Chalky and Shirt moved downstairs to attend Jennie Linden’s panel, Dufus saying that he had to use the toilet. However, fifteen minutes later he arrived with two slightly wet Colin Baker autographs (the fibber!!). Jennie spoke enthusiastically about her involvement in the first Peter Cushing “Dalek” film, but made it clear that the film was a minor part of her career, citing her roles in “The Go-Between”, “The Lion in Winter” and “Women in Love”. She also professed ignorance of being interviewed for “Thirty Years in the TARDIS”.

Moving upstairs again, the three joined a short queue for Colin Baker, and engaged him in a short discussion about his part in a touring production of the Terence Rattigan play “Flare Path”, which the three had seem him in only the afternoon before, at Shirt’s insistence. All agreed that the play “makes you think”, and Colin happily signed the trio’s programmes as an extra item above the allowed number. Wishing Colin well, the trio left his table, and considered their next move. Dufus and Shirt decided to join the long queue that had formed for Louise Jameson and David Warwick, whilst Chalky decided to go and see the panel featuring the two Masters, following a quick exchange, in which Shirt agreed to get Chalky’s “Pirate Planet” cover signed by David Warwick, if Chalky got two more of Shirt’s items signed by Colin.

Moving to the panel room, Chalky got a good seat to watch the Anthony and Geoffrey panel, which due to the foresight of the organisers was also being piped upstairs to where Dufus and Shirt were standing. Anthony went into full JNT-bashing mode, but at the height of his tirade stopped suddenly on noticing a video camera near the back of the room.

“Who said you could record us ?”, asked Mr. Ainley in tones of anger.

“The organisers asked me to do it. I thought you knew”, stuttered the scared cameraman.

Anthony continued in his outraged manner, with Geoffrey attempting to make peace (and failing).

“We are the Master, you will obey us !!

Now turn that camera off!!”

Upstairs, although amused by the events unfolding downstairs, Dufus and Shirt were having a less enjoyable time. The queue for Louise and David had proved to be very, very slow-moving. To make things worse, almost everything the family a little way in front of them did, proved to annoy Dufus and Shirt. The husband kept wandering off to the photo studio, much to his wife’s increasing annoyance –

“It’s alright, I’ll watch your place in the queue and watch the baby”, being her best sarcastic comment.

The “baby” being a toddler, proved to be equally annoying, being fascinated by the models of WHO monsters, finally pointing to a Haemovore with its arms outstretched, and saying the single word “Daddy?”. (Ironically, it was this exact pose that Shirt wanted to adopt around 45 minutes later, when the queue had moved just over a millimetre, but with his hands clasped round the husband’s throat). To make a bad situation worse, the two boys in front of them repeated the phrase – “But we only want to meet Jennie Linden” – ad nauseum for thirty minutes, until to save everyone’s sanity, Hamble let them meet just Jennie.

Finally, after what seemed an Ice Age, Dufus and Shirt were only a few feet away from Louise and David. However, yet again the family in front were making nuisances of themselves. Firstly, the husband was blatantly exceeding the two items rule, offering Louise at least EIGHT items (maybe even twelve), and secondly, his wife plunged into a long pointless anecdote about Lalla Ward and knitting, which Louise somehow managed to look interested in. Behind her, steam was rising from Dufus and Shirt. The family finally moved off, and Shirt was first to Louise, losing his moral high ground by getting her to sign THREE items. The last of these was the sleeve from “The Terror Game”, and a short discussion ensued as Louise showed it to David, with agreement being reached between Louise, Dufus and Shirt, that that story saw THE STRANGER move away from being WHO by another name. Three signed “Pirate Planet” covers later, they left the table, getting a few more Colin Baker signatures as they passed him sitting alone at his table.

“Sorry you’ve had to wait”

Meanwhile, Chalky had joined the queue for Louise and David, and inexplicably had proved to be only a dozen places behind the other two. The tannoy then announced that the raffle was to be drawn. A mad dash by Dufus and Shirt then ensued – Dufus to the toilet, Shirt to the panel room (with Dufus’ tickets as well, and instructions of what to pick from the prizes on offer – namely a Dalek model-kit). Just as he reached the panel room, Shirt was amazed to hear the drawmaster, Toby Longworth announce that the second ticket out of the bucket was 155 !!

Checking his own tickets, 155 proved to be there !! Rushing in, Shirt dashed on stage waving his winning ticket (a la “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”), and having given the prizes a brief look, selected the one he knew to be worth the most.

“I’ll have the pewter Dalek condiment set”, said Shirt, picking it up, and looking out into the auditorium to see a seething Dorian.

“You made the right choice there !”, said Toby, as Shirt quickly exited to boast about his win to Chalky and Dufus.

Chalky and Dufus proved to be jealous and cynical respectively.

“Are you sure, it wasn’t one of my tickets ?”, asked Dufus annoyed that Shirt had won with only one strip of tickets.

Chalky was nearly at the front of the queue, but found himself in a similar position to Dufus and Shirt, this time caused by SLAVE from the local group, who was also getting more than his Louise Jameson entitlement (particularly as the allowance had dropped to ONE item).

The three then returned to the panel room for the last event of the day – the cabaret. This was uneven to say the least. The cabaret began with Anthony Ainley’s impressions (from the Dufus school of mimicry) which included Eric Roberts. The standard improved with a Pratchett reading masterclass by Geoffrey Beevers, and a self-penned poem on sci-fi by Colin Baker. There was then the return of the beautiful Juliet Warner, who thrilled the crowds with her prestigi...prest…..magic, as she performed a trick involving a flaming napkin and her arm. She seemed unsure about whether the trick would work, but it did, and she received polite applause (the audience unaware of her grand finale, which was coming later). Rob Shearman and Jennie Linden then shared comic verse, the former offering a violent self-penned Christmas poem. And then Juliet returned.

Whether by luck or good judgement, Juliet had picked a crowd-pleasing turn. This involved her party-trick, bending down to pick a napkin off the top of a bottle of wine on the floor, whilst balancing a glass of water on her head. The requested silence was received whilst she attempted this feat, with only the heavy breathing of some fans audible. Both Dufus and Shirt found themselves hoping that Juliet might fail, and end up soaked to the skin. However, Juliet proved to be very supple, and after what seemed like hours, and with her almost entirely male audience just about to “boil over”, she completed the task. (Mmmmm, Juliet Warner).

Juliet Warner – “very supple”

Leaving the Library, and appreciating the chance to cool down after Ms. Warner’s display, the three got into Dufus’ car, and after a brief break for a Viennese Whirl, they started off home. The start was a spluttering one, and remembering the morning, Shirt was worried that they might not make it out of the car park. However, it managed to sort itself out, and soon they were running smoothly. Despite all Chalky’s assurances that he knew where they were going, the three managed to get lost again. Chalky blamed this on the darkness, the rain, and the inexplicable removal of one of London’s prime transport structures –

"I can't understand it, the Rotherhithe Tunnel can't just have disappeared !", Chalky muttered.

Shirt’s concerns were more long-term -

"How are we all going to manage at work tomorrow ?", he asked, as they finally arrived back.

Barely, turned out to be the answer.

[PL]