Chalky & Shirt...

On Location in Colditz

COLDITZ	CHALKY	SYLVESTER	SOPHIE	SHIRT	LOCATION GUIDE

Dufus, Lupine and Enigma were busy, and so it was merely Chalky and Shirt that attended Seventh Galaxy’s latest double-header (allegedly just on Lupine’s behalf). In an attempt to disprove the signing law that states that if you book Sylvester McCoy, Sophie Aldred is thrown in for free, the shop offered our chums the reverse - Sophie Aldred with Sylvester McCoy thrown in for “free”. Well, not exactly free. You see, Sylvester was not present to promote the latest Large Endings’ release “Colditz” as Sophie was, he had not even been booked by Seventh Galaxy, neither had he just turned up as he was bored and had nothing else to do on a Saturday afternoon. In fact Sylvester had been brought along by the publishers of a new overpriced paperback “Doctor Who” location guide, as he had written the introduction (which comprised simply of “I didn’t know they used so few locations in the Hartnell era” – deep insightful stuff), and would only be signing other items if people bought the book. Spoilsport !! But as Big Ted had remarked to the friends a few months before at Longleat – “if someone asks you can we bring the Seventh Doctor to your shop, it won’t cost you anything, you’d be idiotic to refuse”.

Lupine had asked our friends to buy him both items, and having had a quick flick through Lupine’s copy of the book, both decided that they would not be purchasing it themselves. Shirt then expressed a hatred of location guides following the blow-by-blow account of Orac’s magnum opus that they had received at the local group.

“I’m sure hardly anyone else will buy the stupid book anyway”, Shirt remarked.

Paying for their CDs, Lupine’s items, and some miscellaneous purchases, the two left the shop, and joined the back of the queue which had already reached the mural, Shirt noticing that everyone else had both the CD and the book. It seems that fans will buy anything with the WHO logo on (well, some fans).

“Did we actually buy anything for ourselves ?”, asked Shirt, looking at the items for Lupine and Dufus that they were weighed down with (the two having bought “Colditz” the week before)

The queue moved very slowly, with Chalky and Shirt finding themselves behind “Bergerac’s biggest fan”. Their efforts to solve that month’s MDW “Final Test”, with Shirt continually asking “Which story are they in, then ?” and “Which actor played that part, then ?”, in an attempt to convey naivete about matters WHO that didn’t involve Colin Baker or Nicola Bryant, were interrupted by said fan offering one of his own – which surprisingly ended up being that they had all appeared in “Bergerac”. Chalky and Shirt feigned interest in this, and hoped that staring fixedly in the other direction, where a new fan of the female persuasion was standing, would give him the hint to leave them alone. Bored with staring at this vision of loveliness, the two decided to wind up Dufus by texting him that Seventh Galaxy had arranged a signing with Philip Hinchcliffe (the man responsible for Dufus’ favourite era) on a date they knew he was away.

Reaching the front of the queue, fate (who hates Chalky & Shirt) decided that it was time for the guests to have a fifteen minute lunch-break. (Cue. much mumbling from the friends). Having fed and watered the guests, the queue started moving again, and with a small wave from Poppy, Chalky and Shirt entered the shop, and approached the table, where Sylvester was sitting.

Whilst Chalky got Lupine’s copy of the location guide signed, Shirt attempted to subtlety slip past both Sylvester and the author of the book. But failed dismally.

“Why haven’t you bought the book ?”, Sylvester asked.

Shirt mumbled something about cash-flow, and attempted to get into conversation with Ms. Aldred to defuse the situation.

Sophie answered Shirt’s stumbling attempts to ask about her young child, without mentioning how haggard she was looking. Sophie duly signed the proffered covers, and Shirt moved along the line, briefly stopping to get one of Ms. Aldred’s less famous co-stars in said audio (Nicholas Young having not “jaunted” in) to also autograph the cover. David Rae, for it was he, then recounted an anecdote of how he had “bumped into” Jo Castleton at a convention (“That’s your story”, thought Shirt, briefly lost in the memory of being hugged in front of a Dalek by Ms. C).

Shirt then reached two men both looking quite depressed as they signed yet another “Colditz” cover, before fans moved off with barely a word. The two were Steve Lyons and Clayton Hickman, the author and cover-designer of the audio respectively. Having completed their requisite signatures, both were overjoyed when Shirt offered some more of Steve’s books and some of Clayton’s other covers (“Colditz” not being the best example of his craft) to be signed. Clayton’s joy became uncontrollable when Shirt offered the Large Endings’ Desk Calendar (of which Clayton was responsible for 14/15ths), and he launched into a reasonable impersonation of Sally Field’s Oscar® speech – “You love me, you really love me !”. Disturbed at this, Shirt picked up his items, and moved aside to see what they would do when Chalky also offered them other items. Disappointingly, Clayton seemed to have reached his crescendo, and the novelty of signing other items has passed, and so the items were signed with minimum of extra comment from the two guests.

On the train home, despite labelling the book as “stupid” and “expensive”, Shirt enjoyed reading Lupine’s copy of the location guide, but concluded that it wasn’t much more informative than the MDW Locations Summer Special. However, Shirt did not rule out buying it if he saw it in one of the bargain bookshops that he frequents on a regular basis, if it was under £5 (showing that it was the price, not the content, that put him off – miser !). Also the book did at least clear up whether part of “Invasion of the Dinosaurs” was filmed in the little cul-de-sac at the bottom of Chalky’s road, as claimed by Orac (The answer being no - in fact it was a similarly named road in Brentford). This put to rest, the pair continued on their merry way back to Chalky’s place of abode (which is definitely not in Brentford), to try and make out what Sylv., Soph. et al were saying in “Colditz”.

[PL]