Chalky & Shirt…

…Twelve Go Mad in Aldbourne!

Despite the fact that neither had been to the local group for local people over the last couple of months (and prior to their last visit hadn’t been for at least 4 months), Chalky and Shirt were salivating at the prospect of a summertime visit to Aldbourne – the Mecca of Doctor Who Fandom. Well, Chalky was. Shirt was less enamoured about visiting a ‘Pertwee location’, but then – what else did he have to do on a Sunday?

Meeting at the back of Sutton Station, the local group appeared one by one. As time pressed on, and no one else seemed to be appearing, the group decided it was time to go. Chalky and Shirt were travelling alone (necessitated by the need for Shirt to be back by a certain time), Servalan and SLAVE travelled in the green Mini, driven by Tarrant; Jenna and Cally were driven by Gan; and Vila went with Dad and Son. ORAC was meeting the group at Aldbourne, travelling instead with Zen and his local group from somewhere else.

After some discussion about the best route to take, it was unanimously decided that each driver would go whichever bloody way he liked and so it was that Chalky and Shirt left Tarrant and Servalan in a shower of dust as they zoomed on to the M25.

How it was then that Tarrant AND Dad beat them to Aldbourne is still a mystery (although they did manage to get there before Gan). Of course, it could have been to do with the two detours taken – one around a Newbury roundabout after missing a turning; the other – a tour of Hungerford due to poor signposting on the part of the local council.

The group then settled down for sandwiches, sausage rolls, cakes and lashings of ginger pop on the village green next to the monumental cross – yes the actual cross from The Daemons – how exciting! During the picnic, various group members wandered into the Blue Boar – known to Fans as the Cloven Hoof – for liquid refreshment, and the rest pondered the questions in a quiz which proved to both Chalky and Shirt that they knew nothing about The Daemons aside from the fact that Jon Pertwee and Katy Manning were in it. Oh, and it was set in some village called Aldbourne (or something like that)…

Jenna and Cally sat having a girly discussion about how reassured they were, that, unlike the male fans in the group (no disrespect to Servalan – she being the exception) they had little knowledge about Doctor Who aside from the knowing that they enjoyed watching the stories. They certainly didn’t care which bloke with seventies sideburns played the UNIT soldier standing next to the one who gets blown up by Bok.

After lunch, the group began to wander aimlessly about the village green taking photos of the buildings and each other. Zen’s group included a David Bailey wannabe, tripod and all. Wandering up to the infamous church, Chalky and Shirt managed to find the answer to one of the quiz questions (What was the church really called?) and Chalky began to get quite excited at seeing various locations from the original story looking almost exactly like they did all those years ago.

There was the door to the church;

the path around the side;

the vines where Jo gets strangled;

the pub;

the houses where the Brig mutters those immortal words and much, much more.

After much snapping, and a wander around the church, Chalky and Shirt sat outside waiting for the rest of the group to re-emerge from the church.

After a little while, the duo began to become concerned for their comrades who had failed to reappear. Shirt went to scout the church out only to find no trace of the gang. Chalky quickly followed him in to see the worrying miracle for himself. Dashing out to the green, Chalky and Shirt began to wonder if the group had wandered up to the barrow (site of the famed Devil’s Hump) without them – but turning a corner, saw the group exiting the church grounds from the opposite side – having found a side door. The mysteries of life explained!

It was decided that now was a good time to visit the Hump. With the afternoon sun beating down on them, ORAC’s assertion that it was merely a twenty minute walk was received with relief. Off they went.

A good forty minutes later (at least!) the group, sweaty, hot and questioning their own sanity, stumbled up a mound of earth that could have been the Devil’s Hump.

Apparently, the locals of Aldbourne say the only people who walk up to the barrows are Doctor Who fans and people with dogs. We didn’t have a dog… The woman they passed on the way back, though, did.

On the Hump, Dad expressed a desire for Son to have a cannabis habit rather than a fondness for Doctor Who, the quiz answers were given (with Shirt actually beating Chalky due to a careless case of mixing his Barries) and the group wiled away the time with endless chat about non-existent chocolate and sweets, which female companion has been badmouthing fans, whether DWAS have anyone interesting for their convention and when Invasion of the Dinosaurs might come out.

Walking back, passing the woman with the dog, the group chatted further and, after an encounter with a spooky crow, plopped back down on the green. A few disappeared into the pub, and Chalky dashed back to the car to get a tablet to soothe his hay fever (his face now looking like Benton’s after a night on the booze). Chalky and Shirt then nipped off to buy and ice cream (with Shirt breaking the bank with a stupendous 30p Mr Men lolly!). After Servalan and Gan had, less selfishly, bought the rest of the group ice creams, it was decided to have a group photo. With Jenna trying to hide behind Chalky and Shirt, a few photos were captured and then Dad, Son and Vila disappeared off home. With a bit more sitting around, Chalky, Shirt, Tarrant and Gan wondered where Servalan, ORAC and Zen had disappeared to…

“Have they gone behind a hedge?” asked Chalky.

“What, Servalan and Zen?” asked Tarrant.

“No, ORAC,” corrected Chalky.

“ORAC and Zen?!” exclaimed Gan and Tarrant.

Eventually, ORAC and Servalan reappeared, from the opposite direction they had set off in, disturbingly minus Zen – who was suspected, momentarily, to be lying in a ditch – until he turned up a few minutes later, still trying to find a particularly elusive roof.

With Zen posing for some distinctly dodgy photographs (only serving to reinforce the suggestion of himself and ORAC), the group decided to call it a day and zoomed off in their respective cars. Chalky and Shirt, to the strains of Darren Hayes and The Witches of Eastwick, trundled home and reflected on a sunny, funny day out.

(l –r) Zen’s Friend, Zen’s Other Friend, Shirt, Vila, Gan, Jenna, Chalky, Cally, Tarrant, Dad,

Servalan, Son, SLAVE, Zen.

But where is ORAC?

[AE]