My List of Links

The University of Virginia
where i used to go to school, but hope to return in the near future
A Dent In The Tori Amos Net Universe
i love tori :o)
Marriage - Gregory Corso
one of my favorite poems...a must read

uvajul@hotmail.com

                                                                        I    Am    ALIVE!!!      

October 3, 2005

i am alive.  older, wiser, and yet...still with the crazy man below.
4 years of my life...

anyway, more to come soon
I PROMISE  :)

*********************************************************************

August 29, 2002

can the summer really be over?  people already in classes?  my life 
one big pile of crap?  again?

questions.  still.  in one night everything can change.  you discover
who someone really is.  you think of spending the rest of your life 
with them, then that possibility becomes a nightmare of gigantic 
proportions.  spending the rest of my life with this loser?  so said
in his own words?  watching him throw up in my sink, spill every 
drink in the house because he's so drunk he can't keep his balance.
and finally watching him try to end his own life because he thinks i'm
taking sleeping pills'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping pills'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping pills and thinks it would be funny ("funny?") to freak
me out, yell, cry, scream at the top of my lungs, to try to stop him
from really not doing anything at all?  what an ASSHOLE!!!!  then, 
why is he asleep in my bed.  well not anymore, because he got up and
started acting like the jackass he is.  i guess he's going downstairs
to smoke, but honestly i don't really care.  he called me childish 
while sleeping in my bed where he royally passed out.  wouldn't give 
me room so i could sleep.  then forced me to get up because i couldn't
even position myself for sleep...in a QUEEN!!!  

last night i didn't even like him anymore.  i didn't want him to 
touch me, talk to me, look at me.  nothing.  i felt nothing.  and i 
felt so much hours before.  can it just turn off like the flick of a 
switch?  did the light come on in my head that made me realize that 
this wasn't exactly the life i signed on for?  good god.  raging 
alcoholics.  makes me not want to drink ever again.  somehow i know 
he will be able to bully his way back into my heart, but i suppose 
while i am clear of mind i should at least get out my feelings.  he 
certainly was able to bully his way back into my bed.  i don't want to
see him tonight.  i never want to see him like he was last night.  i
honestly thought he was going to take all the sleeping pills, and just
die.  i tried to think what i was going to say to his mother.  i 
thought about who i should call to prevent this tragedy of alcoholism.
i didn't want to wake anyone up, so i talked to my friend at notre dame'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">notre dame'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">notre
dame, who got me through it.  and what...so it was all a joke?  a
fucking JOKE?  whatever.  i'm done.


**********************************************************************

May 14, 2002

so usually i don't correct my last updates, but i realized that it 
said "2001?"  i mean, how careless can i be?  really careless i 
suppose, because for some reason i forgot when my last exam for my 
music class was and i totally missed it.  i tried to make it up, but 
i couldn't get a hold of the teacher, and i'm kinda embarassed to do 
so anyway, because what a careless blunder.  and it wasn't really me
slacking off either, it was an honest mistake, and my mom is going to 
kill me when she finds out.  but i was honest with my lovely boyfriend
and didn't lie to him.  i told him exactly what happened, and we 
hardly fought at all.  he is disappointed in me, as i am, but...what
can i do?  what do i want to do.  i was talking to my cousin who just
recently graduated, and she has nothing lined up.  her life is up in 
the air, and she even has a degree.  i know lots of people with 
college degrees doing exactly what i'm doing, just waiting for an
opportunity to arise, which never will, and they'll be the toothless
old hags in some diner putting menus under their armpits, killing them
selves for less than minimum wage, spitting, smoking, greying, nasty.

that'll be me.  i'll have a hairnet on slopping sloppy joes on a plate
singing to myself wondering when i can get my next cigarette break.
drinking on the job.  lonely with my cats.  letting my grass grow. 
letting my hair grow.  the foul stench covering me...the foul odor of 
unsuccessfulness permeating throughout my every sense.  youth of the
nation?  the lost generation.  we've had everything handed to us on a 
silver platter because our parents didn't want us to go through what 
they had to.  all we had to do was go to school and do our homework.
maybe occasionally make our beds, but other than that?  lanudry?  hell
no.  responsibility?  what's that?  we are land of the lost.  in a 
decade of decline, if you aren't in the military or the government
what do you have?  retail?  net companies?  which fell through within
a year's time.  what do we have?  nothing.  living at home living off
our parent's success.  do you go for prestige or happiness.  and 
should one be happy in their job?  it is a job anyway.  it is work.
why should one be happy?  there is always a demand for people to mop 
up the shit other people leave behind.  diet or regular?  whatever 
happened to "fat, dumb and happy?"  i feel dumb, i feel fat, but the 
happy thing, not really.  i am happy in some aspects of my life.  but
only because i make myself.  i could just go to bed and never get up
(if only my matress was that comfortable :o)  )   i could waste away
in front of the tv grasping my bear till my last dying breath at 25.
(i figure i'll last three years give or take.)  not being among my 
peers has lowered my expectations of myself.  not being in a 
stimulating environment has made me dull in character.  only by 
revisiting my old being have i found some sense of wholeness and 
lost identity found.  who am i really?  what do i want to do?  where
do i want to be?  am i lowering myself being with who i am with?
should i be married to a successful banker and bear his children
unhappilly making jello molds sending my children off to boarding 
school so they can escape the hell i have let myself fall into?

there are so many questions we all have and not enough answers to go 
around.  how do people make it?  be on their own, successful or not.
living beyond the boundaries of their parents.  leaving the state
and paying their own income taxes?  insurance?  car payment?  rent?
utilities?  come on.  steady jobs...make that careers.  the only way.
or loans that have a hold on you even in your will...i bequeth a 
10th of my income to pay off my student loans.  come on.  

i don't want to go to work today.  scraping to get by.  on my looks? 
on my personality?  on my ass (which is beautiful by the way.)  i 
don't know.  but at least i'm asking the questions i fear the answers
to.  maybe i'll move to rome and catsit the rest of my life.  can i
ever sing again?  who knows, but i'm certainly not trying my best
to be able to do it.  geez...i wish i had some little guy behind me
with a sharp stick to poke me whenever i get lazy and don't do the
things i should.  motivation is key.  too bad i don't have any.

well off to work i go.  frisby golf tomorrow (how odd).  and we shall
see.  too bad for moms.  i'm not going to be here tonight so she'll
be able to sleep.  she's really got to get used to sleeping alone, as
all of us do.  we can't always get what we want all of the time, so 
stop trying to strong arm me into staying, because that pushes me 
away even faster than farting in my face...i don't know...that's just
where my mind went.  sick bawdy humor.  i supppose that's all i'm 
worth these days.  see ya.


**********************************************************************
April 22, 2002   12:55am

stream of consciousness writing.  that's what this is, right?  just a
stream of consciousness?  but what if i'm not conscious?  what if i 
seem to be awake, but this is all a dream?  it feels dreamlike...like
i'm walking on a cloud and i'll wake up any minute.  i'm forgetting 
things.  like some of the good times.  like stuff i pretended to 
forget, but actually remembered, i'm now forgetting.  i'd sit and 
pretend not to notice someone to see if they'd notice me first, and 
now i'm just not noticing anything.  i'm forgetting appointments, 
memories...those hurt.  like relationships.  i'm remembering key 
events, but the little things, like what it felt like when he held me,
when he kissed me...i don't remember.  and should that matter?  isn't
it healthy that it does just fade away, like love and feelings?  
because it isn't staring me in the face i just don't remember, or care
to?  i stop obsessing about where people are, and if they miss me too'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">me too'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">me too
much like i miss them sometimes.  but that doesn't really happen too
much anymore.  i mean, obviously i've been thinking about things. 
commitment is a big issue right now.  not the faithful thing...i've 
got that nailed to a science...don't do it!  7 months.  7 whole months
with one lovely person...and counting.  amazing.  he's still an 
alcoholic.  he still smokes way more than he should.  he still pisses
me off with stupid shit like not showing up where he's supposed to, 
and i end up having to go find him...ok...it's story time boys and 
girls:

so last friday i'm working.  we'd just hired a bunch of mexicans to 
work in the kitchen.  that's fine, that's wonderful, but they don't 
speak ENGLISH!!!!  i mean...come on.  so i'm waiting for an appetizer
to go out to this table...and it takes 40 MINUTES!!!  i go after 10 
and check on it...he just smiles.  i go get dave the kitchen manager,
nothing happens...finally i get the salad guy to go see if it's even 
cooking...AND IT'S NOT!!!!  so i'm really getting pissed off.  i 
haven't even put in their entree because i'm waiting on their stuff, 
and of course my handwriting is horrible, so i can't read it.  finally
it comes up, and i take it to the table.  they of course ask me about 
their main meal, and i honestly say it's not sitting up there under
the heat lamps'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">heat lamps'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">heat lamps, actually i haven't put it in yet waiting on their 
appetizers, and i have to ask them what the ordered again because 
my handwriting sucks.  15%...not too bad, but it put me in a really 
horrible mood.  so my friend's b-day party was that night and it was
byob, but i wasn't prepared, so i sent my friend to go get some beer.
my wonderful baby calls me to see how i'm progressing, and of course
i'm in a bad mood so i'm going very slowly venting all the way.  he
says he'll meet me outside his restaurant in 15 min which put it at 
about 12:20.  i'm there right outside.  i see him walk in with this
other bitch from the bar across the street, and he doesn't look in 
my direction to see if i'm there yet.  ooohh...that gets me thinking
because i know she has a crush on him, girls just know the vibe thing,
plus i've heard that she's a complete slut...anyway...i always try to
be nice to her because she really hasn't done anything to me, but give
me weird vibes whenever i'm there around my boyfriend.  it's funny, 
she'll be hanging out, but as soon as i get there, she always leaves 
within 5 min.  he said she was scared of me...i'm not really scary...
i suppose i'm just "the girlfriend" of the guy she has a crush on...
anyway...back to the story.  so i'm supposed to be bringing the beer
to the party so i'm expected.  and i'm waiting outside.  since i'm
also PMSing i start to cry in my car because my mind is wandering.
i go inside finally thoroughly pissed off, and go up to the bitch
girl to see where he is.  she finds out for me that he's met the guys
nextdoor for a drink.  she also tells me that he's pretty hammered.
now you have to understand that this is 20 min after the time he said
he would meet me outside.  i go nextdoor and begin to cause a scene.
i really hate doing that, but i really couldn't stop crying.  i left
him there to play and i went on to the party, continued my male-
bashing, and smoked about 3 cigarettes and drank BEER!!  geez.  so 
we had words and i'm still not altogether happy with him, but things 
have a way of working themselves out.  it was just incredibly 
inconsiderate of him, especially when he knew i was in a bad mood.
he kept saying, "but i love you, honey..."  and i asked him, "then 
why don't you treat me like you love me?"  good question, huh?  

anyway...i do love to bitch. 

i think that toking has messed up my brain.  i really can't think or 
do anything.  i have no motivation...and i'm dumb.  which really 
sucks.  we keep saying we'll stop, but you know...i'm supposed to be
studying for my test tomorrow.  oh did i mention i'm in classes?
yup.  just taking 2.  i was taking 4, but shit happens and i dropped 
those.  actually i wasn't going, and i just snowballed out of 
control, because i said i was going to class, but really i was sitting
in my car and playing on my phone because i'd already missed too much
class to pass.  so i lied to my boyfriend.  and he found out.  and 
that was ultimate drama.  i don't bring the heat on as much as he 
does.  he has major trust issues anyway...and his philosophy was that
if i was lying to him about class i could be lying to him about other
shit.  i wasn't though.  i would never cheat on him, or anyone for 
that matter.  

it is getting so serious.  he wants me to move in with him.  and i'm 
scared.  scared it's too soon, and scared of that kind of commitment.
i've never successfully lived with anyone, and that includes my mom.
i've never lived with someone i've been dating either.  i love him.
i can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, possibly.  
i've even rethought the issue of kids.  it's all very scary.  but on
down the road.  something else that's scary is that i may very well 
like him better when he's a little bit intoxicated.  he's a little 
more outgoing, and loves me to pieces when he's had a couple of 
drinks.  when he hasn't, he's more aloof and standoffish.  he gets 
kinda hot, and doesn't sleep as well.  it's weird.  but when i talked
to him tonight on the phone, i could so tell he'd been drinking.  and
that scares me too.  will i love him when he's sober?  i think it's 
all a matter of him loving himself, because as much as i do, he has
pretty low self-esteem and thinks he's a happier person when he's on
the sauce.  but when he's drunk, he's shitty.  i don't even want to 
be around him like that.  not that he's ever hurt me physically, or 
even mentally for that matter, but he just doesn't know he's drunk, 
and he's a complete asshole.  stumbling, grabing me inappropriatly
in public, shouting in quiet places...horrile stuff.  and of course
i have to see this when i'm startlingly sober.  but i love him.  and 
he is going to AA, though he didn't go today because i forgot.  i 
pretty much passed out last night from exhaustion and no one set the 
alarm.  and i didn't even remember it till i was driving home.  and i 
know he remembered, but he didn't want to go.  and he drank tonight.
i can't tell him not to.  i can't force him not to.  but i can't just 
stand by while he's ruining his life.  i think i'm a pretty great 
girlfriend, and he says i'm the love of his life, but geez...treat
yourself with a little bit of respect.  and it makes me sad just 
thinking about it.  he could be the greatest chef there is, but drink
is messing that all up for him.  and i'm venting again.  and putting
all the personal shit for everyone else to see.  it makes me feel 
better getting that out though.  i could never have a kid around an
off the wagon alcoholic.  and it's a lifetime battle.  and i don't
even understand...and never will.  i know this.  maybe i'm stupid to 
still be with him.  i just hope i have the strength to survive what is
to come.  i don't really know when to say enough.  because he has hurt
me.  like friday.  and 2 weeks ago he spent so much money i had to 
practically support him till his next paycheck.  and he hates me 
paying for stuff, but howelse are we going to do stuff if i don't?
and something else i don't understand, is how he never has any money.
and i have so much?  i'm scrounging around to buy his b-day present 
for next week.  i bought this beautiful dress and i'm planning on 
taking him out to dinner (after my class i suppose).  i want to buy 
him a watch.  i have no money though...i've made nothing this week 
because everyone is cheap!!!

anyway...i should get back to studying.  thank you for the messages,
and please feel free to e-mail me.  i know i haven't responded in the
past, but i'll try to.  it's my whole phobia, of which i have many.
night.


**********************************************************************
November 5, 2001  1:29pm

what's up with these day updates?  my october one wouldn't come up.  
i think it finally has  :o)  anyway...i slammed my finger in the car 
door thursday and it hurts  :o(  but i suppose that's ok because it's 
monday and it's not as bad as it was.  i think it's cold outside, but 
i don't really know.  i came home last night early.  i so wanted to 
stay and wake up next to him.  but i got a pleading message from my 
mother to come home early last night.  aren't i responsible?  so then 
i get woken up by my aunts who came over.  and lectured me.  and my 
cousin.  lectured me.  and i'm sitting in my robe.  being talked at.
not to...at.  but he's coming to thanksgiving.  good lord.  i've never
taken anyone to thanksgiving.  i mean sure my friend has been up there
but geez...it's kinda serious.  

so met the guys from system of a down!!!!  they came into the 
restaurant.  it was cool.  so i think i'm going to the concert tuesday
and since amanda (she waited on them)  got on the guest list, i think
i might be able to get in for free...and i really want him to go.  
he missed tool and 311.  i can't concentrate anymore.  so i'm going
to end it.  i should shower and get on with my errands.  so i'll 
update later...


**********************************************************************
October 23, 2001  3:42pm

man.  first off there are strange links on my page that lead to pages
i've never been to, and never plan on going.  sears.com?  singles 
pages?  um...i never signed up for that!  so why is someone tampering 
with my personal page?  that really irks me.

anyway...so he's met my mom.  and he hasn't run away.  in fact, he 
likes her.  she's psycho!  and he likes her.  that's ok though.  
because she likes him too.  she said he seems like a nice person.  i 
think anyone who donates blood plasma like twice a week, and feeds the
junkyard dog down the street steak he brings home is so honorable and 
good.  it makes me want to be a better person.  have more tolerance.
accept my mother.  and of course he doesn't mind me lying about 
staying at my girlfriend's house when i'm actually staying at his
place.  he smokes.  he drinks.  and i had to pick him up the other 
night because he was so wasted he had his hat on backwards and was 
picking fights with the guys.  kinda makes me scared.  i mean, i've
seen it before.  i've gone out with it before.  not minding pain.  
drinking...my god, drinking.  but so incredibly sweet.  and when he's 
drunk he lets his true feelings out, as soon as they my be.  i haven't
told him i love him.  i don't yet.  but i'm rapidly heading in that 
direction.  i'm getting distracted.  anyway...i'll update later.  
haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately, and we're doing laundry 
and renting a movie tonight.  aren't we cute?  AHHHHH!!!!  it's so 
strange.

**********************************************************************

October 10, 2001  10:55pm

julie has a boyfriend.  what is this world coming to?  i'm thinking 
things i shouldn't be thinking.  he's falling in love with me, and 
i'm following right behind.  what if i move with him to georgia, or 
wherever he goes?  what if i have to drive all the way because he 
has no liscense.  and my mom doesn't know.  and if i just left in the
night?  took my things.  i have no hamster to weigh me down  :o(
i can't concentrate.  i think of him.  i can't talk...and i'm waiting
for him to call me, and i can't think.  so i'm not going to...
night...i'm off to my drunken soiree, since my mom is gone and we are
playing house all week.  me makes me breakfast and makes me pass out.
and i haven't had sex in 24 hrs.  what is this world coming to??

**********************************************************************

September 23, 2001  12:19am

(i miss his hands around my face, kissing me, holding me...i need that
 so terribly much it hurts to let go.  and it hurts holding him, just 
 to know i will have to let go.  and i don't think i can do that.   
 it's not that he's so special.  it's not that he's caught my fancy.  
 he's there and i haven't felt like this in such a long time my life  
 had become so disgustingly needy with any kind of attention i could  
 get. so so sad.)

ok...so i've met this guy.  i know...it always starts like that, but i
have.  i'm not sure he's worthy of me, but we'll see.  i love his
devilish grin, and the twinkle in his eye.  he's 28 though, and i've 
never dated someone 6 years my senior...5 maybe, but not 6  :o)

i need someone that i can speak to about stuff.  and he was definately
truthful about a lot of things.  i like it when guys outright say 
what's on their minds.  like i'm sexy and beautiful  :o)  but i don't
want to be stooping below my level.  he's definately fun, exciting...
possibly.  he's in school, and can cook his ass off, but his place
is really REALLY shitty...his couch is a car seat'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">car seat'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">car seat from a van. and i 
could just be really snobby.  he is in school, and has a good job, i 
suppose.  dreams, goals and aspirations.  i don't have those.  

i have nodes.  

this means i can't sing...possibly for ever. 

i'm absolutely sick over it.  i don't know what to do.  my voice 
defines me.  what am i going to do?  i have to go to vocal therapy.
and i'm not going to school this semester.  that sickness i thought
i had was my voice making it known that it was spent and used up 
indefinately.  i'm dying inside.  and i'm lashing out on poor people.
i haven't been able to work very much.  i hate work.  waiting on
people that don't realize that ribeye means STEAK, and beefsteak 
tomato sandwiches DON"T HAVE MEAT ON THEM....IT"S JUST A TYPE OF 
TOMATO!!!!

and i'm getting dumber.  and i can't sing.  indefinately.  

but on a lighter note my pool skills are so much better.  and i'm 
such a wonderful tease.  we're all good girls and boys, it's all in 
how you handle it.  exploration is beautiful.  cracks and crevases,
scars, dirty hands...working hands.  my dad had working man's hands.
i think i look for guys who remind me of my father.  the little boys.
and i can hardly remember him myself.  it was such a long time ago
that he passed on, and i still blame myself.  

and i'm going downhill.  i need to get back to school...i understand
how hard it becomes after you realize that it's so much easier without
the stresses of class.  and the steady money coming in.  and my feet
hurt  :o(  i need another foot rub.  and a hug.  i left without 
hugging him.  and all the way home in the car i was thinking that's 
what i really need.  he's so good to hold on to.  i need that.  there
is so much i'm bearing myself.  no one knows.  

bug bites on my feet, smile on my face.  i can't get hurt again.  too
many times.  and i just can't open up.  i show my fun side.  but i 
just need someone to hang on.  someone i don't want to let go of at 
the end of the day.  gives me the chill...damn he's beautiful working.
when someone is totally in their element, 2 hours of sleep or not,
it's a beautiful thing.  and i just can't help not noticing.  and 
whether this work thing will work or not, i don't even know.  gossip 
queen can't talk about herself.  and i don't know if he's hung up on
karen, or whether that's her talk, but i'm getting different sides.
ah the spinning.  she's broken up, but she wouldn't pursue Rouleau.
and even if she wanted to..."damn i'm sexy."  and i think he was 
disappointed no hug.  i had to get out of there though.  he was tired,
i was cranky.  

of course i'm tired and i usually get lots of poetry out of my nutty 
head.  let's see....butterflies going to the pre-destinations of their
birth, only to see it burnt to the ground with the evil faces in the
foreground...evil...utter utter evil......and i feel it all around
me...and in the same breath all the people come out to save the 
butterflies.  droves..blood everwhere.  droves and droves.  bees.
working overtime.  stars in the sky still shining.  crazy.  the world
doesn't end.  and it will.  where.  i want to share my experiences 
with the world.  i wish i was on firmer ground to share everything.
not to be taken aback, but to be embraced for who i am, and everthing
that makes me.  not just the way i look, or think, people just can't
handle stuff.  stop cutting yourself.  it doesn't do anyone any good, 
and you make a mess.  it all comes crashing down eventually.  just a 
matter of where or when.  how maybe, but definately where.  could be
who?  knows?

geez....SUCKS.

gotta run.  i'm seeing tool and 311.  i love my friends.  they take me
to get cultured  :o)  

**********************************************************************
August 2, 2001  3:32pm

i'm sick.  i don't know how people get sick in the summer, but i'm 
definately sick.  and i can't sing.  my friends are home from texas
and ny, and they are opera people.  and i can't sing.

it's killing me.  so is my tummy.  and i get whiney when i feel sick.
and it's hot.  i feel that i'm just going to end up whining.  plus i'm
watching my soap operas.  not really...ahhhhhhhh!!!  and i can't even
focus...so i can't really type.  i know i always say that, and somehow
i get to typing and realize that i actually have something good to say
but i don't think that's happening today.  plus it's not in the middle
of the night.  i've been so runny and helpless i haven't gotten a 
chance to do anything.  plus netzero decided that i had had enough 
time at their expense.  i think i just need something to chalenge me.
i'm getting dumber every day.  i look at last year and i can't even 
remember half of it, plus what i was actually thinking.  crap.  

go back to school!!!!  don't be a fool!!! like me!!!  ahhhh...i'm a 
walking afterschool special!  at least i'm not a full house episode.

well my ex imed me, so since i have to get to work, i should probably
get going.  i'll type later i hope.

**********************************************************************
July 17, 2001  3:16am

well...i can't sleep.  i'm watching casino, and i didn't go out 
tonight.  i wanted to, but silly me, i've got nothing to wear :o)
i've not really been in the mood to write lately...well that's a lie, 
but i've recently been too drunk to state my feelings, which would
have probably been incoherent anyway.  i think i just get scared of 
leaving the house sometimes.  

going out with friends.  i feel bad because i think i purposly (?) 
left my cell phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cell phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cell phone upstairs or somewhere i wouldn't answer it.  man
these words are really strange to spell.  ever notice "ANSWER?"
or "SWORD?"  but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've been getting off track a lot lately.  i don't really want to 
leave the confines of my house, but i hate living with my mom.  i 
break appointments, but still want to get ahead and finish college. 
but i'm stuck in this crack-town.  watching movies, and feeling 
sorry for myself.  the drunken tirades that i yell at myself, luckily
not to others around me, unless i'm putting myself down when my 
friends are trying to get their lives back together after they 
royally screwed (and i mean screwed in every sense of the word) their
relationship all to hell.  i know what that's like.  hurting each 
other with every syllable out of your mouth.  double edged sword  :o)

i miss the mob.  they were so cool, or maybe they were just 
glamorized by scorsese (who has my birthday by the way) and all the 
rest.  

keyless entry'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">keyless entry'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">keyless entry...i've let everyone down

and i'm in the desert by myself with holes in the ground.  tire marks
that lead to nowhere.  and it's so hard to pull the words out of 
my tired soul.  my brain is mushy and i can't sing.  my voice is gone.
gone....sucks

the one thing i know is gone.  AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  but i can only write 
it because it hurts to scream, let alone talk.  graham crackers.  

gotta work tomorrow.  gotta pick up my car tomorrow.  keyless entry.
this dodge intrepid is a big fuckin car.  sunroof, cd, keyless, and
what does it matter that robert de niro is always playing the jewish
guy?  does that really make sense?  bug bites on my toes.  wish i 
could get out during the day.  i'm sunless.  souless to some people.
nah...  :o)

86 everything.  and she emerges.  but joe pesci really makes it look 
cool.
**********************************************************************

July 9, 2001  9:29pm

yup...i've got a new car'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">new car'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">new car.  i'm going to go drive it, and talk to my
friends, because my last update didn't go through, even though i saved
it, but...oh well.  i'm hungry...and my words are scatered...so it's
not worth really reading, except that i get like this sometimes
and i suppose it's a learning experience...blah blah blah...

anyway...must get shower and try to pull myself away from the glowing
box in front of me

**********************************************************************

July 7, 2001  1:21am

i've got a new car, and i'm going to bed now...so... i'll update 
later    :o)
**********************************************************************

July 3, 2001  3:25am

i'm getting a new car!!!  it's not the jetta i've been dreaming about,
so i kinda feel like i'm selling out, but at least it's something.  
and it's new.  of course i'm paying for it.  i put $5000 down (and 
that was a lot of hard work saving that much money!  how responsible 
am i?)  so i'm getting a corolla.  how reliable.  blah blah blah!

the only problem is that i'm going to miss my old car.  how many 
memories were in it?  geez...the thing was an '89.  the last car my
dad drove.  plus it came with me to UVa, and work every day.  well
at least all the evidence will be gone  :o)  and no one will smoke in 
my new car.  and i'm not smoking really.

you know when someone new comes around, and you were the newest person
and it's like the territory becomes rocky because everyone wants to
hang out with the new person cuz they're new, and you've all become 
tired of the same old thing...and you want to hang out with her too.
but then of course the jelousy starts, and you overthink everything...
like i can't go to the beach because i have to shop for the car, but 
they're going to the beach, or lunch...and then there is no reason
for these feelings cuz she's a great person, and i'm just insecure?
plus that's so unappealing too...who wants to hang out with someone 
who's always doubting themselves?  so maybe i drink way to much 
sometimes to overcompensate...and i need to go back to college...but

I'M GETTING A NEW CAR!!!  with AIR CONDITIONING!!!!  and a CD PLAYER!!
so there you go!
**********************************************************************

June 28, 2001  3:36am

i am listening to the moulin rouge soundtrack on my computer because
my stereo sucks.  i've only had it a couple of years, but the cd  player'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cd  player'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cd 
player keeps breaking.  it won't read it (cd\\'s'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cd\'s'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cd's i mean)and i need to
buy another one.  of course i want a writeable cd drive too...and a 
new car....geez...i've got to start either working 24-7 or get a 
better job (or a sugardaddy?)  probably not.  

and i wish sometimes my life was like fairytales.  not the dying at 
the end part, but the undying love.  the unending devotion, "come what
may..."  corny huh?  but i suppose that's what i'm looking for.  and
i suppose in a way that's what all girls are looking for.  not just a
romp in the hay.  lasting devotion and tenderness...and it's not 
going to happen in today's world.  that's why 18th and 19th century
costume dramas are such a hit with the chick-flick crowd.  men are
gentlemen and ladies can be ladies without feeling prudish.  of 
course when you're in love with a whore, there's little to be done 
about it.  it's like 'traviata' and 'r+j' rolled into one.  
consumption was big back then, because of course you never knew what
you were being consumed by.  :o)   tuburculosis (sp?) "his eyes upon
your face, his hand upon your hand, his lips caress your skin, it's 
more than i can stand..."  god...not over me...some watery-tart

of course it's ewan mcgregor, my soulmate, he just doesn't know it 
yet.  of course everyone thinks i'm mad, including me.  i don't really
mean it.  it's just fun to think about it.  

he's married...

there are so many people who wouldn't give that a second thought.  my
gay friends for instance, (not all of them...) but they're married
men (to women) and i suppose it's an escape with no comittment.  

that word again.  i haven't had a decent relationship for at least a 
year...i don't want to think further than that.  nothing against 
squids, but man oh man...the stereotype is there for a reason.  plus
they don't tip worth shit.  and that's a big thing with me.

i have no goal for this page.  i have no facts about myself that are
stated matter of factly.  this is not something spoon-fed to you.  
you don't know my stats.  am i white or black?  i'm a girl.  how old 
am i?  who really cares?  what do i look like?? i mean...really.
this page is for the inside to come out and light to shine on it, 
as horrible as the facts may be.  my eye color, my favorite color?
how are these things relevent in what i say?  universal truths i try
to state.  whether they are or not, isn't it my opinion i share with
you?  opinions cannot be disputed simply because they are OPINIONS!!
people have different ones.  i have no hamster...

i've been working out.  man...there is no progress, simply because
i don't do it often enough.  i know what i have to do, i know how to 
do it, but i simply don't because of my motivation.  i have none.
i'd like to be all buff and gorgeous, (not that i'm not already) but
to see results in just one day would really be nice...like waking up
the next morning after being at the beach the day before.  red and 
peeling like a pear...a plum plum.

and i'm peeing a lot.  crystal light.  good stuff, but man...i'm sick
of soft drinks.  who ever called them "soft" drinks never tasted coke.
that stuff takes the rust off of bumpers...there is so much soda at
work for free it's so tempting, and so harmful.

i sing.  opera.  not enough.  i need to practice more.  clear and 
precise...like a spinning thread into men's souls sitting in the 
audience with a look of wonderment, the perfect pitch searing through
the audience...where is it now?  lost in the smoke and fog of the 
innebriated state i often find myself in.  5 days good and at home.
of course i'm still up and it's about 4.  somewhere in there sleep is 
good for me.  exercise, abstinance (unfortunately), substance free, 
and sleep lend itself to a boring life, yet productive.  of course
i'm young and don't heed the advice of my elders.  

p.s.  my computer speakers'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">computer speakers'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">computer speakers suck, but a couple of hours ago they 
weren't working at all, so that could be progress?

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in
return"

**********************************************************************
June 14, 2001  12:41am

ahhhh....my computer is finally fixed!  and it's fuckin' slow!  and i have 
to download everything again.  and i don't remember half of my friend's
screen names, so i'll  have to wait for them to im me, and that sucks as 
i am not a patient person...and south park'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">south park'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">south park is on, but i already watched
it earlier tonight.  seen it...

ah i hope i haven't dashed the hopes of everyone now that you know 
i watch south park.  of course i watch soap operas, and general filth,
according to my mother.  and living with her still sucks.  

i meant to rent a movie tonight, but i didn't because i'm LAZY!!!

of course i'm going grocery shopping later tonight, because it's never
too late to do that  :o)

CAROL ANNE!!  i switched the channel.

anyway...this bites because i have off tonight from work.  and i go out 
every night, so maybe this doesn't bite because i actually get some
"me" time?  could be.  without vinnie to keep me company (mom's out
of town!!!! YIPEEEEEEE!!!!!)  i'm really slightly bored.  of course i have
the warm glow of the screen to keep me company.  if there's anything
besides human companionship, the computer could fill it (sure...)  of
course all the guys i've met have either been interested in my friends, 
heroin addicts, or creepy ugly....not just ugly, but CREEPY.  not that 
i have anything against the navy, but man...this place SUCKS...

oh...have i mentioned all my gay guy friends?  they're great.  of course
there's no sex, but somewhat of human burliness companionship.  and
boy do they like to shop with me (not that i'm generalizing, but i think 
i pick friends that like to shop  :o)

geez i need a shower.  and judd t. nelson should have stuck with the
coach gig.  you know there's something about a tv show, when i don't
like the opening credits i'm not watching the show.  or else i'll skip 
them...but usually i don't like the show....boy am i rambling...

my fingers aren't warmed up and i've got to pee...

i think i'm going back to school next fall.  i'm not sure where, but i want
to go back, if only to escape this godforsaken place.  i mean that.  
i mean i live in a suburb named for religious places....land, but man...
there is too much ghetto trash going on.  i've got to stop drinking 
every night, gettin high, looking for some one night stand'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">night stand'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">night stand.  of course
that was me months ago...no i just drink and get high.  casual sex 
sucks, especially when it's with someone you work with.  i mean, what
do you say when someone constantly comes up to you and tells you
they want to "fuck your brains out?"  not really the come-on i want to 
hear, and not that i've really done it with him anyway....but we did 
have a pleasant walk on the beach.  that's it...i swear!  ;o)

nope...julie hasn't gotten any in quite a while.  it's ok though, i'd like to
met someone wonderful to sweep me off my feet and who likes me for
all my nero... (haven't installed word yet....so i'm doing this on my own)
nerosees  (YIKES...just think of it phoenetically...and that was spelled
correctly?  and i can't spell the "n" word????)   anyway...truely (i 
know)

must go grocery shopping...i've been feeding on junk i got at 7-11.
i want some chicken salad.  or some ice cream'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">ice cream'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">ice cream  :o)  how bout just the
chicken salad....too late to buy a nice bottle of wine to share with my-
self...and too late to get a movie to watch by myself.

before i go do you know what i saw last night????  MOULIN ROUGE!
geez...creamed in my pants  (tmi i know)  i've had the soundtrack for
weeks, and i've been meaning to go, but my friend punked out on me
twice, and she's on my list of not so favorite people because she didn't
really have a valid excuse...she's one of the people that thinks that 
because she's been running errands and suddenly comes down with a 
headache she can get out of plans.  when i've been on my feet for 12
hours straight, and can still go out and dance my ass off?  i'm sorry, 
but i suppose i'm a little bit more hardcore than she is.  of course she 
was always the one who would fall asleep first at sleepovers (yes
we've known each other since kindergarten)  and someone froze her
bra one time (not me)...but man...get a grip on a cerfew.  she's 
graduated college, and she's been up plenty of times.  i guess i'm 
finding out either i'm partying too hard, or she's just a punk.  i don't
think it's that big of a deal going to a 7 o'clock movie???  so....

i apologize for ranting.  i love her so much, and she's been with me 
through many dark times...it just that i can't tell her she's pissing me off
because i think our friendship can be shallow at times and the only 
reason we've survived each other is that we've kept it at that level.
i need someone that i can tell everything to.  i can with her, it's just...
can't someone call earlier after i've been waiting around (i hate that
it makes me feel like i'm powerless....waiting for someone to call me
with plans...i'd rather not go anywhere and just be on my own!!!)  AHH.

sorry....anyway...that'd been pent up forever.  i suppose my restaurant 
friends are easier to talk to, gossip with, and are here and now, not 
that they're the most reliable either...it's like we go out if we're working, 
not necessarily call each other when we're off work.  anyway....

julie's hungry for fruit and chicken....  and it's 1:00 and i'm not drunk.  
hm....how healthy of me  :o)

TTFN

**********************************************************************************

May 8, 2001

i am so ashamed!  i haven't updated in MONTHS!!!  and i was reading 
all the great things people had to say about the page, and what do i 
do...dont' even update it   RUDE!

moment of silence - the green streak has passed on - 

he had cancer, and lived out his life to the fullest...dude it's a 
hamster.  

i'm not actually in the mood to write.  and i don't have my computer
because that too has passed into the great beyond.  i don't like pity 
writing because it sucks and i can't type because i'm talking to 
someone.  i'm actually supposed to be picking up chicken sandwiches 
for dinner, but instead i'm at my cousin's house mooching off her 
computer.  and i haven't eaten all day.  

i work in a restaurant and i never eat the food there.  i wouldn't say
never, we have great bread, but that's the extent of it.  oh, and i 
love our fresh mozzerella.  i'm in a rut.

i work at 5.  go out after work.  drink.  go home around 2.  sleep 
till  1.  watch all my children (oh no, not the dreaded soap talk!!!)
get ready, to go to work, and 5 again.  rut city.

but then again you might say my social life is booming?  that i'm a 
butterfly of sociality?  that i dont' know what the hell i'm talking
about?  pretty much.  i was in a good mood earlier.  probably the 
hunger is getting to me.  i wouldn't last long on survivor.  i'd 
probably find an excuse to eat someone's fingers or something.  
actually probably not since i'm not all too into blood and human
fingers (well in the right circumstance...  :o)  

i'm still not feeling the vibe, but you know....i'm still typing.
and i hope you're still reading.  i think i'd better go now.  chicken
awaits, and plus, they're only open so long.  i miss all my uva
buddies, but i guess that's the problem when you're not in school.
at least i've made a bunch of new friends and people i get to bail
out of jail.  damn heroin adicts!  try to be a good influence on 
someone and you end up being the only sober friend that'll help him
out.

ok...dinner time.  hopefully it'll be sooner than 5 months when i 
update again, till then...i'm sorry for the drivel written here, 
and when i stop feeling sorry for myself and come out of my senseless
rut, then maybe everything will start making sense and i can get a 
"real" job and start spelling everything correctly.  then again...
i'm never really going to grow up and i'll still probably watch tv
and rot my brain with mindless fluff.  

i think i'll get a puppy, and a jetta for him to ride in

**********************************************************************

January 10, 2001

just one thing.  I'M IN AN HTML CLASS!!!  i know it might take the 
edgy quality off this page, but i might be able to do neat things?
who knows  :o)

**********************************************************************

December 25, 2000

geez!  anyway, i don't really remember writing that down below.  and 
of course it took me a second to figure everything out, but finally i 
was out at someone's apartment, and ended up crashing there because 
obviously if i'm too drunk to type, i'm too drunk to drive, and i
might be reckless, but not too much.  anyway, i just got a new 
digital phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">digital phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">digital phone.  and my computer is still fried, so i'm at my cousin's.

christmas is great except when you have to work the day before, and 
get knocked in the head with a pitcher and only start christmas 
shopping two days before the holidays.  

quiche is great.  we open our presents, and get quiche to boot!
yum.  anyway...i'm been trying to drink less, but it just isn't 
happening.  i've met a new friend who has renewed my interest in 
the finer things in life, unfortunately my wallet has taken a beating
as well.  since this friend is a girl and not a guy and i pay for 
stuff too, whether a girl or a guy, but of course i'm not gay, so
i'm not dating anyway....anyway....

ah...so i sprained my right ankle.  lovely!  no worker's comp, but 
i guess that's ok.  anyway...i'm still sleepy because i just haven't 
been getting my beauty rest.  at least i dont' have a black eye.

good gifts, family fun, and no alcohol in sight.  sounds like fun...
for now  :o)
********************************************************************

December 19,2000

man...people here are acting like like they are in High School!!!!

and the space bar isn'tworking!!!   fuckin' a!!!  and they are scaring
people in theplace!!!  and the space ISN"TWPRKING!!!!!!

anyway...  i'm drunk  and stuff, andjuivinale boysarehaving fun and stuff....

so i'm actually going to sleep because i've had enought to drink and i'm leavingfor the evenuing  :i)  anyway....ttylo
********************************************************************


(psst.  sign the guest book'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">guest book'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">guest book....there is no way to get a subliminal message
in here, so...pretend.  sign, you know you want to.  just do it [hey it worked
for shoes]...ok, enough)

November 17, 2000  2:20am

how weird is that?  within a minute of things i'm writing 24 hrs later?
creepy!!!  anyway...i'm perfectly legal now and that makes me happy.  not
that i wasn't before, but at least i can drink, smoke and rent a hotel room
in case my night required that  :o)  of course my long running tradition
is coming to a screeching halt with this birthday since i don't believe
i'll be getting any tonight.  sad isn't it?  of course i'm primed and ready, 
but alas...no takers.  of course there could be, but...i'm not drunk yet.
and i don't think i'll be experiencing any drunken sex tomorrow night 
either.  not that that isn't fun, but i think i'd rather be getting drunk
with my friends and have them slop me home on my 21st than anyone else at 
the moment.  nope...no one special.  of course i think i'd rather get my 
life in order before i even consider getting into a relationship, or 
whatever you call what i've been getting myself into these past 9 years.

geez...i've been dating for 9 years, if you don't count my whirlwind pre-
school romance?  and i still haven't gotten it right?  i mean, i think i 
know what i want in a man (i almost said "person" but then i don't want to
confuse pronouns, and since i already know i want a man, that narrows down
the population about 50-50).  so #1 - he can't be a bastard.  i've dated 
too many of them.  #2 - can't embarass me in public.  geez...if i can't 
stand to be around you, why would i date you?  #3 - i hate to get physical
here, but has to be older, taller, and darker than me.  not too hard to do.
maybe not darker than me, but...the dark hair does kinda turn me on.  
of course i've dated blonds and red heads, but...actually i've dated more
blondes than dark haired people...hmmm what's my problem?  oh well...
#4 - understanding, funny, not a religious freak, but not a devout athiest
(if there is such a thing) either.  oh and #5 - gotta love pets (especially
hamsters.  i can't tell if i'm a freakish dork for liking my hamster, or 
just really cool and don't realize it?  hm...i suppose it really doesn't 
matter.  he's not very photogenic anyway...he comes out all fuzzy and not 
in the furry way.  geez...i always get sidetracked.  and i have no idea
why i listed the qualities i like in men except for the fact that i don't 
have one, don't want one right now (well not in the relationship sense 
that is...) and definately don't NEED one.  

i do however need new sweaters.  and i did go out and buy some.  well i'm 
waiting for the sale tomorrow when i can get 4 for a little over $100.
cheap i know, and i'm not sure why clothes have to be in a certain price
range, but they look good on me, they're soft and they keep me warm.  i 
guess i'm getting sweaters to fill my need for something else to keep me
warm.  like a shot of vodka corsing through my veins.  

somehow anti-depressents not only don't help my spelling, but make me less
aware of myself, and what i'm feeling.  just put a glossy coat over everything
i suppose the shininess makes things all better.  and i don't feel as inspired.
maybe because i haven't worked in a week.  and i need a haircut.  i suppose
i don't quite have the angst i once had in depression, or sadness.  it's 
hard to be sad or angry on these things because it's like once you dip down
in a certain level that little uptake gets in effect and takes you to candyland.
hard to get any emotion except happiness.  trent reznor just suffers through
depression.  i can't imagine that guy happy anyway.  possibly i don't 
need the meds, but then of course there are so many people telling me to
take them i guess i buckle under peer pressure.  like i'll do tomorrow when 
i take shot after shot.  probably not 21 because i'm not stupid, and because
with these horrible pills you can't drink anyway because alcohol is a depressant 
and that kinda negates the whole thing.  of course, who cares right?  i'll
probably just black out and miss out on my birthday anyway.  i'm not drunk
right now, and i think that should count for something.  you know?  i could
have gone to the bars tonight.  but i didn't.  of course there are nothing
but sleezy navy seals out right now, so...i don't want to take any chances.
i'd rather be surrounded by a bunch of sleezy college fraternity boys? 
eh...same thing.  well...if i remember my night i might tell all.  of course
this update thing might not last.  and...sign my guestbook!!!!  i put it 
down there and it took a lot of effort because i still have no clue what 
i'm doing(but i'm learning as you can see), so please do something with it.
i'm not even sure how it actually works, but i suppose since nothing has changed
down there in a while you might not know it's down there, so i'm telling you
right now...my birthday would be complete if i knew someone was actually
reading this and got some kind of opinion out of it, even if it's to say
i'm a freakin' idiot.  which of course i am, but it's always good to confirm
these things  :o)  anyway...

**********************************************************************
November 16, 2000  2:19am

less than 24 hours and i'll be legal.  21 years old, man.  and i'm 
not even doing anything tonight!  unless i find someone to go out 
with me, and that's conceivable, but i might want to save some of it 
for this weekend, which is sure to be a good time...well nothing is 
sure, but i think i'll have a good time, even if i'm not bringing 
vinnie.  i know...he'll miss out on the whole experience, but i'll 
get him a new ball, and he'll be happy.  he's stinking right now too.

so i don't know what i want for my birthday.  i mean, if there is 
anyone out there that wants to buy me a car?  but for now i'm just 
saving up for one.  which sucks because i feel like veruca salt.  
("daddy!  i want it NOW!!!")  i also need a flash for my camera that 
i've decided to usurp since it's not being used anyway.  it was my 
dad's, one of those pentax old ones with the big lenses.  geez...i do 
not have command of the english language at the moment.  i remember 
one time i couldn't remember the word for fire hydrant'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">fire hydrant'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">fire hydrant.  not one of 
my shining moments.  i still can't spell.  i got really bored and 
decided to play a game that came with my cereal.  so it's all about 
spelling and connecting words.  can i just say that i got some of the 
higher level spelling questions wrong?  i think it was geared towards 
5th graders too.  i felt really silly, but it was kinda a cool game 
anyway.  

so everyone else wants to know what i want for my birthday.  i have 
no clue.  i need more memory on this old computer because i keep 
having to delete non-essential programs (i feel like someone i know 
but who i'm not speaking to who is very efficient).  and i'm mad at 
someone who was coming into town and said he would get in touch with 
me, but didn't and i'm mad at him because we're not on the best of 
terms anyway, but....oh well

oh...and mom's out of town and that makes me very very happy  :o)

**********************************************************************
October 27, 2000  11:31pm

i feel like it's taken years for me to update this page.  i have still
been getting wonderful e-mails, but alas, i just couldn't get off my sorry
ass and write something.  so anyway...life for me right now is pretty 
much nonexistent.  i had problems with school yet again, and slipped back
into my little depressed state.  my mom thinks it's because of boys and 
how they take advantage of me and walk over me, but of course that's not
even the half of it.  honestly i don't even know why i feel this way, and 
i hate anti-depressants because they make me feel happy all the time, and 
i like to revel in my emotions good or bad.  but they're supposedly good 
for me, so i have to take them, however against them i am.  of course one
day far far ago i was opposed to ritalin and didn't want to take that, 
i soon learned the wonderful benefits of that medicine, and have been on it
ever since, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.  

ah...the rambling begins.  i left little vinnie at home this time.  i miss
him, but i think i want to move on to a puppy, i just don't want the 
responsibility, which is why i don't think i'll ever have kids.  

it's damn hot in this apartment.  i can say one thing, this place is VERY
well insulated.  and not having air conditioning'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">air conditioning'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">air conditioning is killing me, plus the fact
that the heat is turned on by the people who own the building and not turned
off till probably the middle of august!  

but i won't be living here anymore.  i'm going home.  back to my nest.  
trying to grow up all over again, and not really succeeding.  everyone is
out celebrating and getting drunk over the wonderful holiday of halloween.
i love it because you can be anyone you want to be for a day, and no one 
cares!  of course it's not candy i'm after anymore (though some chocolate
can't hurt every once in a while)  

i haven't been in a tori mood recently.  i don't know why?  i am listening
to her right now.  silent all these years.  i've only been to one of her
concerts, and my mom went too (that's how strange she truly is).  of course
i went with my friends, and she sat up in the balcony, and i didn't see her
the entire time, but still...come on.  

so tori...i don't get it.  i think it's residual of my former years caring
about stuff.  i just don't seem to care anymore.  i've become an asshole
going around hurting people, and not calling them back just because i don't 
want to hang with them, even though they were whiny assholes the night 
before when hell froze over and they didn't care to build a bridge to save
me.  go home!

mice are crawling around in the cobwebs of my mind, and i just lie on the couch
all day getting sucked into the big black box that mothered me all my life.
that and cheerios.  couch, inflatable matress, bed...doesn't matter, i'm on it
and doing nothing except the occasional crossword to keep my mind fresh.  
i'm so stale.  and people are in italy and england i haven't seen in forever.

i wonder how many mistakes i've made in my life.  if i counted them all would
it matter?  and if i'd thought about it, who would i have been for halloween?
one good thing is that i'm that much closer to my birthday.  i love getting 
presents.  is that too superficial?  and do i really care if it is?  i mean, 
who doesn't like getting presents?

man it's hot!  and it's the end of october!  i'm ready to buy sweaters.  and wear
my old sweaters, and be cold.  i'm tired of being hot.  mom hasn't even turned on 
her heat yet!!  man i complain a lot.

okay, so i won't complain.  um...i've got pretty posters  :o)  mommy loves me  :o)
i'm so pretty  :o)  and i have nice candles  :o)  well that sucks.  

i don't even know who i am anymore.  i've bent myself every way i can to please
people i somehow got lost on the way, and i don't know if i ever was there.  people
say i've changed, but i don't know how because i don't know who i was to begin with.
sweet, sensitive caring?  i've never been that much of a bitch, except to my mom.
and vinnie occasionally but only because he bit me!  i guess i have no station 
in life yet.  i'm still meandering around tilting at windmills with no cable tv'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cable tv'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cable tv.
but the internet is still at my fingertips, even at home which will soon be my 
hometown yet again.  at least i've got friends still there at the restaurant. 
because that would be awful if i didn't.  

my hands seem to be dirty.  they become dirty quicker and quicker these days.  
is there more dirt in the winter air?  why am i obsessed with clean hands?  
i went to archeology camp once, and i was miserable digging in the dirt.  not that 
i'm a priss or anything, i've just got something about my hands.  possibly because
they're constantly in my mouth like some fetish from birth or something...bitting
chewing, sucking...fetish i tell you!  plus my feet, but they aren't in my mouth too 
often, but i did like to do that when i was little when i ran out of fingernails
i'd just put my feet to my mouth.  that's probably why i'm so flexible to this day.
or 6 years of ballet?  couldn't have been piano?  tantric sex acts?  who knows  ;o)

i haven't kissed anyone in a while.  i think that's sad.  i like kissing.  it's fun.
even better than sex sometimes because some people are just horrible at that, and 
are much better kissers.  

you will of course notice that i've done some housekeeping this time.  i have a 
guestbook (not that i know exactly what that is, but it might help?)  changed
the color scheme (it was a little harsh last time)  and...well added some stuff.
i mean my goal here was actually to put some thoughts on the page.  though 
it won't have to do with college for a little bit, i think other aspects
of my life are well worth writing down, and now that i've got sanitized siscors (sp?)
thanks to ma...my life should be complete.  i mean all one needs are clean 
cutting things  :o)  a computer, and something to write about?  probably not, but
i've got pretty posters?  :o)  and a fountain.  that's key.  of course it's not
so big i get to swim naked in, but one of these days...

*********************************************************************************
August 30, 2000  1:46am

i think the problem is that i want to write at night.  after i've had 
some time to think.  and talk to people.  some people give me a feeling
in the pit of my stomach that i can't handle.  i just got off the phone.
i don't know why i like to claim people.  there are certain people i claim
as something in my life.  and right now, since my lovelife is practically
non-existant, i claim whatever i can.  and it hurts sometimes when things
don't work out the way i want them to.  what am i not skinny enough, not
pretty enough?  too witty, not witty enough?  dark hair doesn't turn you
on?  too many freckles?  man...i can't change who i am.  and when i am
hurt i can't change that either.  so you had a good time.  i'm shitty? 
eh...whatever.  i'm probably making too big a deal about everything.  

why do we have to have significant others?  satisfying base needs?  
connecting with someone on a more intimate level, only to be thrown off
a cliff whenever the other person feels it's "not working out."  that 
hurts, because you don't have a say in anything.  it's not like you both
have a key to turn and it shuts down, one person pulls the trigger, and 
that's it.  fuck the other person's feelings.  and friendships are safe.
and why do i want people to be jealous of me?  do i really hurt people 
without meaning to?  bringing up stuff i don't even know effects people, 
and hurt someone?  intentionally?  whatever happened to my love affairs
in italy?  why can't someone be totally smitten with me without being
creepy?  and why do i always want what i can't have?  

too many questions i say.  not many answers.  

so i was depressed last semester, and took time off to collect myself.  
but you might already know that.  i like surrounding myself with people
who know me.  and i am getting tired.  of writing in crayon when it should
be ink.  putting my opinion in and changing it a day later for reasons
unknown to me.  not being to find a parking place outside my apartment.
that is pretty tiresome.  



***********************************************************************************
i really must repeat something i said from above.  this concept is really important
to me...and important to what this page stands for:

if anything i write offends or effects you in an unpleasant manner, don't read
it...it's as simple as that.  i'm not changing anything...i just ask people to 
use discression in reading what is pleasing to them.  and if nothing on this page
is pleasing...the never come to this page ever again.  i only want to make people
happy, not tear them down.
***********************************************************************************

p.s.  who visits my page?  i mean...the counter is really up there and
i have no idea who reads my garbage.  well...if you're enjoying it,
you are wonderful, and if not...why come here?



EWAN MCGREGOR: i love it when he is nude.  and as long as he doesn't mind being
naked in his films, more power to him...to prove it, here is a quote i got from
http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/features/1999/0710/fea1.htm  straight from the
horse's mouth...in an interview...done by some irish people...that's all i 
know, i swear!

                         
"Ewan McGregor has never been embarrassed about frontal nudity in his movies,
as he showed in The Pillow Book, Trainspotting and Velvet Goldmine, but he 
says he's 'thoroughly fed up' with the media's obsession with this aspect 
of his work."

"In one interview I read recently the writer referred to 'the obligatory 
McGregor nude scene', and I was so offended," he says. "I thought, I'm
really trying to do something with my work and it's reduced to some ignorant 
arsehole in a magazine saying something like that. It makes me so angry,
because I'm worth much more than that. I'm trying to do something and it's 
not the obligatory McGregor nude scene. That's just nonsense.

"If I'm nude in a film, it's because that's what's required. I won't limit 
myself with anything. That would be like saying I won't walk down the pavement 
on the right-hand side because I don't do that. So why should I limit myself by 
saying I won't take my clothes off in a movie?" 

decided to add more.

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Basement/8967/ewanquotes.html

"I'm just looking for that moment to drop my Jedi knickers
and pull out my real light saber'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">light saber'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">light saber." -Ewan

"I'm doing my bit for the women's movement. The women
have always been naked in movies, an now I'm just
desperate to take my clothes off as much as possible."
-Ewan, on filming "The Pillow Book"

"They don't try to frame potted plants'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">potted plants'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">potted plants in front of my d---,
like they do in most other films. I've been naked in almost
everything I've been in, really. In fact, I have it written into
my contract." -Ewan

"This is what they mean by 'the long line of McGregors.'" -Ewan,
commenting on the "size" of a certain male appendage.

"People have actually said to me, 'May the Force be with you'.
I think that's quite batty."  -Ewan 

"I came in and my wife was with all her mates, and I said,
'I got to work with Artoo Detoo today!' And they all just laughed."
-Ewan (On his first day of shooting Episode I) 


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