Hello, friends, my name is Debbie and I'm an recovering alcoholic.
I can say this in all acceptance today and in gratitude.
I am not ashamed to admit the truth because I know today,
that the "truth" will set me free.
Sometimes the process of discovering the "truth" about me is painful
but so very much worth the lesson.
Recovery for me has not been easy, but living the way I used to was worse.
How do I tell you my story without it becoming a "drunk a-log".....
by getting to the actual "Root" of my illness and not the events necessarily.
I was born into an alcoholic home, and my parents divorced when I was five.
Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be loved, nurtured, validated
and cared about and I always felt like I had to "do something" or "be some way"
in order to have my needs met.
All my life I have always taken people emotionally "hostage",
and if people didn't live up to "my" standards or fulfilled "my" needs,
I would retaliate and "get even".
I can't actually remember the first time I drank, but I was very young.
In the search to feel "apart of" and at ten I started smoking,
got "shit faced" drunk at twelve and got into drugs at thirteen.
I entertained the idea of witch craft to get a boy-friend at the age of sixteen.
I had millions of "reasons" for my bad behaviour, so I thought.
I have used people, food, jobs, drugs, alcohol, religion, cigarettes, sex, to make me "whole" but nothing, absolutely nothing worked.
I was miserable.
I left home when I was sixteen, at seventeen I was a single parent to my first born daughter, I named her "Charity", she passed away after her second open heart
surgery just prior to her turning seventeen months old.
Charity Dawn
June 16, 1975 - November 13, 1976
The only way I can describe the pain of my grief,
was that my heart inside my chest physically felt like it was on fire.
My heart ached and "BURNED" so deep.
That was when I really shut down emotionally
and put major walls up around my heart,
because I didn't want to feel "pain" like that again.
I blamed God and was angry with Him.
After the loss of my daughter, numerous friends, jobs,
a failed fourteen year marriage,and a broken family
because I was emotionally unavailable for my son & daughter,
a lost home, failed common-law relationships
and from years of "stuffing" my feelings
and trying to be someone that I was not,
I was becoming very violent when I drank.
Some of us "hit" bottom but for me because of my stubbornness
I had to be "beaten" to the bottom.
I had finally had enough, surrendered and reached out for help.
I entered "Harmony House" a women's recovery house
and stayed there three months.
I sobered up thinking that once I stopped drinking
that my problems would be gone and that life would be wonderful.
Five months before my two year cake I almost "sold my soul"
for another relationship and I took "a" drink,
I was feeling betrayed, unappreciated, and unloved
and I remember making the decision to drink.
By the Grace of God, I was able to get honest with myself
and get back on track in recovery,
but I learned a wonderful lesson out of the pain of that "slip".
I had a spiritual awakening and a memory came back to me.
I saw myself as the little five year old girl,
who was waiting by the window
for her daddy to come and pick her up as he had arranged.
I waited all night, dressed in my prettiest dress,
not taking my eyes off the window waiting for my daddy, who I loved so much
and by midnight my mother finally put me to bed a broken hearted little girl,
feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved, and betrayed.
Debbie at age 6
This picture was taken that night.
(I'm pretty sure)
When I had the memory recollection I knew at that moment,
that all my life and in all my relationships
I had been that "little girl" looking for healing between her and her father.
I knew then that every person, place or thing in my life
had "played" a part in bringing me to the place where
I would surrender to my heavenly "Father".
I can honestly say today, that I do not play the "blame" game
and I know peace and serenity which is dependent on
daily surrendering my will to my God's Will.
I still go though times where I take my will back
and where I struggle with accepting life on life's terms,
but I am learning to take off my "God Suit" and to "let go".
Today I am grateful and privileged to be a part of my son's life,
and my daughter's life.
John William and Jamie Dawn.
taken when each of them were in grade one.
They are both now in their 20's.
I am so proud of them both and I know that I am emotionally available
for them now, since I am emotionally available for myself.
I am learning how to be a daughter, sister, friend, mate, mother, and employee.
I am slowly becoming the woman that God created me to be.
STEP SEVEN - "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"
in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on page 75 says
...."humility had brought strength out of weakness"....
"pain had been the price of admission into a new life."
This means alot to me because somehow I know now that "pain"
doesn't have to be an enemy and I don't have to drink, drug, eat,
run from one relationship to another
or "get religion" to numb myself anymore.
I am learning to "Live Again"
and as I see it, I am learning to "Live and Love" for the first time in my life.
I have heard a saying in Alcoholics Annonymous that goes like this...
"I thank God for AA and I thank AA for God"
and in the depths of my heart I too agree because
today I have a personal relationship with my God as I understand Him.
I now understand what it means to be "born again"
and I am not a religious person today,
rather I believe that I am a spiritual person having a human experience.
Today I truly want to be a part of the "solution" and not a part of the "problem".
NOTE, May 3, 2001:
My step-father passed away on June 10, 1999
after his 2 year battle with lung cancer.
The same month we got diagnosis of Ross' terminal cancer,
secondary in his liver & spleen.
Our belief in a "Power Greater than ourselves", sustains us daily.
Ross & I have known each other for over four years, our friendship has
grown, especially since the cancer hit and
on June 16, 2001 we are getting married as a celebration of
"LIFE" & "HOPE".
No matter what, WE can remain clean & sober, and that includes YOU too!
NOTE, August 14, 2001:
My dear, sweet husband passed away on
Friday, August 10th, 2001 at 7:40am.
By the grace of God, picking up any substance
to ease the pain and aching in my heart,
has NOT been an option.
Yours in Recovery, Debbie aka "Ladyrides"
2007 - I am walking through the "fire" of refinement!
I am no longer looking for love in all the wrong places!
God the Father desires a more intimate relationship with me!
I am on that journey.
THE JOURNEY HOME TO LOVE
This site has assisted me immensely.
Scroll down the page and you will find the 11 part audio teaching series
to listen to and may you come to know God as DADDY too.
My prayer for YOU, is this...
Heavenly Father, please bless, protect and keep the person reading this,
close to you as they trudge the road to happy destiny,
in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Any Comments?....Please sign my Guest Book!
