Operation Rescue Hitman

ACT 1

Under the evil influence of the V.E.N.O.M., the people of Sweden have committed our beloved Hitman to an insane asylum, citing that a sane man of his age would not be watching old 80’s cartoons and making webpages about them.

During his capture, Hitman sends a distress signal so that other agents around the globe can mount a rescue attempt.

M.A.S.K. COMPUTER
Agents active: Sara Keating, codename Kallah, Hytac, and Lisa.

Channel #M.A.S.K.

Hytac> Anyone seen Hitman lately?
Lisa> Nope. Lost contact completely.
Kallah> Maybe you scared him off ;-)
Lisa> Hiding under his bed hehe. We wait and we wonder ;)

*EvilVENOMagent has joined #M.A.S.K.*

Hytac> Very funny, Lisa. As if he didn’t say that enough times.
Hytac> Hey! How did you’d get in here!?
EvilVENOMagent> Ahahahaha! Say goodbye to your buddy Hitman! You’ll never see him again!
Lisa> Ok you jerk, what did you do?
Like I’m going to tell you. Ahahaha!
Hytac> Which means you’re lying.
EvilVENOMagent> Am not!
Hytac> Am too!
Kallah> Yes you are!
Lisa> Coward!
EvilVENOMagent> Am not! He’s been put into an insane asylum. So there!
Hytac> BwAahaHaAaa! Sucker!
Kallah> Now we know where he is.
EvilVENOMagent> I hate you all! Nmind, you ain’t getting him out. I’ll see to that!

*EvilVENOMagent has left #M.A.S.K.*

Lisa> I thought he was still afraid of Hytac.
Hytac> Very funny.
Kallah> We have to help!
Kallah> If we only knew where he was...

*Hitman has joined #M.A.S.K.*

Lisa> Hitman?
Kallah> Hitman?
Hytac> Hitman?
Hytac> What on earth are you doing here?!
Kallah> You escaped?
Hitman> Help! I’m still stuck in the asylum. I’m using the asylum computers at the moment. Get me out!
Kallah> Don’t worry Hitman, we’ll get you out
Hitman> Thanks. I´m in room 25. Second to the left in corridor B. watch out for that guard. He´s a nasty individual. ;-)
Lisa> Hitman don't worry I'm on my way to save you. Your too cool and important of a person to be put away. Oh don't worry about the guard, I've seen way too many Jackie Chan movies and I know Tae-bo. :-)
Hitman> Tae-bo? I´m familiar with several forms of Martial Arts but Tae-bo is not known to me.
Lisa> Something like aerobic kickboxing. Ok I’m reading it from the back of the video so sue me.
Hitman> I´m not going to sue a person who´s going to use this aerobic kickboxing to spring me out of the hospital. ;-)
Hytac> I’m coming too. I’m sure those Karate lessons will come in handy. Or we can just drug the guards with knock out drugs or something.
Kallah> Hey! Don’t forget me. I’m a mean person with a stick.
Hitman> Then there shouldn't be any problems. The guard prefer Friends, and they don't teach any fighting skills. :-)
Lisa> Where are all the other guys when you need them?
Hytac> The guys are welcome to join us if they show up.
Hitman> Arrgh! The guards are coming!
Lisa> Hang on!

*Hitman has timed out from channel #M.A.S.K.

Kallah> Bummer!
Hytac> Guess we all know what to do?
Lisa> Guess so.
Kallah> Where’s my baton?
Hytac> See you guys in Sweden.



ACT 2



OUTSIDE THE ASYLUM

It is night. Hytac, Kallah, and Lisa are cutting through the wire fence with a pair of wire cutters. Hytac is carrying a pack, Kallah a really heavy looking baton and Lisa is wearing kickboxing gloves. All three wear masks



Hytac: With all the high tech stuff, you’d think HQ would have given us better equipment.
Lisa: Yeah, and our masks are only test ones.
Hytac: Do you know my Transporter* mask malfunctioned twice? Instead of transporting
me here through cyberspace, it dumped me on a Tellertubby website.

*Transporter masks allow wearer to travel though phone line and similar devices by converting them into energy signatures in which they can travel though lines. Kinda like the Matrix ™

Kallah: Whoa! Now that’s scary!
Lisa: Well, beats travelling by freight.
Hytac: I hate these clippers. The heck with this! (Kicks fence post.)

(The fence post gives way and the whole fence falls down)

Kallah: Now that’s one way to do it.
Hytac: I meant to do that.
Lisa: C’mon! We have to rescue Hitman.

(The three are about to enter the building.)

Hytac: Shh. There’s a night guard inside. (looks inside her pack)
Lisa: Knock out drops?
Hytac: Knock out drops.
Kallah: Pop them into his coffee cup.
Lisa: Erm, he doesn’t have one.
Hytac: (Holding a really Huge tin) Ok, I’ll just ram them down his throat then.(Takes out a sling)
Kallah: You know how to use that thing?
Hytac: No idea, actually. I’m more to archery.
Kallah: Oh boy.

(Hytac whirls the sling which has a really big-knock out pill in it, around two inches in diameter. She lets go and the pill flies out, heading for the guard)

Hytac: Not bad for a beginner.
Lisa: Erm... It’s off course.
Hytac: Dang it!

(The pill misses the guard and hits a light fixture above him. The light fixture shatters, gives way and falls on the guard, hitting him on the head and rendering him unconscious.)

Kallah: Now that’s what I call a knock-out drop.
Hytac: I meant to do that.
Kallah: Uh huh.
Lisa: Hmmph! I was hoping I’d get a chance to use my mask…

(The three get in and make their way.)

Hytac: What was the room number again? I forgot. Only something about a guard.
Lisa: Room B, second to left in corridor 25.
Kallah: Room 25B, left to second corridor.
Hytac: Dang it!
Kallah: Uh-oh
Lisa: Great
Kallah: I guess we’ll have to try them all. (opens first room door)

Flint: Cobra!!!

(Kallah slams the door shut.)

Kallah: Oops. Wrong room.

Lisa: How ‘bout this one? (Opens second door)

Tomas: The Tsurani shall not enter Elvandar!

Lisa: Not this one either. (shuts door)

Hytac: This one? (Opens third door)

Darth Maul: Fear is my ally!
Obi-wan: NoooOOOOOooooOOOooOooOOOO!!!

Hytac: This place is a nuthouse! (shuts door)
Kallah: Couldn’t have said it better myself.



After several hours of searching, the three finally come across a guard standing watch in front of a door marked ‘Room 25’.



Lisa: If that’s not Hitman’s room, I’m going to scream.
Hytac: I feel like beating someone up.
Kallah: Let’s start with the guard. I’ll go for the legs. Hytac, you go for the torso and Lisa, you hit the head.
Hytac: Sure, why not?
Lisa: Sounds fine.

(All three rush out and attack the guard)

All three: Arrgh!
Guard: (speechless)
Kallah: Fore! (Swings her baton and trips the guard up)
Hytac: Heaahhgrrh!! ( Punches guard)
Guard: Oww!
Hytac: Oops. Sorry. Wait a minute... I meant to do that.
Lisa: Take that you, ah... you...Whatever! (Jumps and kicks the guards head, sending him flying into the wall.)

(The guard crashes into the wall, leaving a guard-shaped impression in it.)

Hytac: Hmm... maybe that’s a little too much. (Stares at the hole and shrugs.) Heck, Overkill always suited me fine.
Kallah: Nice kick, Lisa.
Lisa: Thanks.
Hytac: How odd...Somehow I expected a little resistance.
Kallah: Like getting that door open? How about a kick Lisa?
Lisa: No Thanks.
Kallah: Hytac?
Hytac; You’re the one with the baton.
Kallah: Why do I have to do everything? (Whacks at the door. It stays strong)
Hytac: It’ll take a pret-ty long time to get that thing down.
Lisa: It’ll take forever, not that that’s long...

Hitman: Hi guys.

(Everyone jumps and turns around. Hitman is standing behind them)

Hytac: How the heck did you get out?

(Hitman points at the guard shaped hole in the wall)

Hytac: Now why didn’t I think of that? What’s that on your hand?
Lisa: It looks like…
Hitman: Yeah, yeah. It’s a cane. They glued it to my hand to make me feel like an old man.
Kallah: How evil.
Hytac: *giggle* now why does that does so familiar?
Hitman: Lisa told you didn’t she?
Hytac: *looks innocent* Maybe she did.
Lisa: *looks also innocent*
Hitman: Hmmph. We wait and we wonder.
Hytac: *groan* That’s the 21578019 time you’ve said that
Lisa: How do you keep count, Hytac?
Kallah: Let’s go! The exit’s this way.

(A shadow darkens the hall. A guy in a mask is standing there.)

All four: *Gasp*
Lisa: It’s the EvilVENOMagent!
EvilVENOMagent: Ahahahaha! Yes it is I! I told you I’d make sure he wouldn’t get out.
Hytac: Oh yeah?
Hitman: So you’re the one behind all this!
EvilVENOMagent: Now. Face your doom! Ahahaha! Barney on!

(Suddenly, the hall is filled with Big purple dinosaurs. All four scream.)

Hitman: Yipes! It’s a…
Hytac: Oh Crud…! (searches frantically through her bag.)
Kallah: It’s a Barney invasion! We’ll need pianos, anvils… anything!
Barney: I love you, you love me…
Hytac: Arrrgh! Help! It’s killing me… that song is scrambling my brains!
Hitman: Back! Back! Retreat! We’ll have to put some distance between us or they’ll brainwash…
Kallah: Don’t say it!

(Kallah and Hitman retreat)

Barney: …we are friends and fam…
Lisa: (Grabs Kallah’s baton) Shut the h*** up! (Bashes out Barney’s teeth)
Hytac: Good call, Lisa. Now stand clear!

(Hytac pulls a pair of Magnum 44’s out of her bag and proceeds to blast several Barnies out of orbit.)

Hytac; Bwahahaa! (pauses) Darn, I’m out of ammo.
Hitman: Hey, what were you going to do with that Magnum? You weren’t going to…
Kallah: I think she’s still a Lee-tle mad at you because of what you said about Brad.
Lisa: Heads up! That EvilVENOMagent isn’t done yet.
EvilVENOMagent: You may have destroyed the first wave, but try another! Bar…
Hitman: I still want to punch his lights out…
Hytac: EvilVENOMagent or Brad?
Kallah: Short Circuit on!
EvilVENOMagent: Barney on!

(More purple Dinosaurs appear, the same instant EvilVENOMagent’s mask shorts out, everyone else’s mask shorts out, the lights dim and go out.)

Hitman: Speaking of lights out…
Lisa: Why did the lights go off?
Hytac: Kallah dear, you’ve just shorted out the entire asylum.
Kallah: HQ had better have a good excuse for these defective masks.
Lisa: And I didn’t even get to use mine!
EvilVENOMAgent: Oh no! What have you done? I’ve lost control of the Barnies.
Barney: I love…
Hytac: Arrgh! Oh for goodness sake! Stop it! Shut up! Don’t speak!
Hitman: Bad dinosaur! (whacks it with the cane stuck to his hand.) Ouch! Hey! It came off!
Lisa: Way to go, Hitman! Now let’s kick dinosaur ass!
Hytac and Kallah: Kill the Barney! Kill the Barney…

(All four attack the Barnies, screaming warcries as they do so)

[ENSUING VIOLENT SCENE CENSORED]

Kallah: I thought you said dinosaur ass, not EvilVENOMagent ass…
Lisa: Ok, so I got carried away.
Hytac: Me too.
Hitman: Well, that pretty much takes care of the resistance. How about getting out of here?
Kallah: No Problem.



ACT III

Outside, the moon is shining brightly but all else is dark.



Lisa: Why is everything so dark?
Hytac: Kallah dear, I think you just shorted out the entire area.
Kallah: Blame the guy who made this mask.
Hitman: Say, thanks for breaking me out. It’s great to have three great girls coming all the way here just to save me.
Hytac: It’s ok.
Hitman: I feel I really should do something to thank you ladies. Anything in mind?
Kallah: Actually, yes, but you’d probably flip. Maybe I’d better not say it.
Hitman: We wait and we wonder
Hytac: …that’s the 21578020th time you’ve said that by the way.
Lisa: Come on Kallah! What do you think Hitman should do.
Kallah: Dress up as Brad Turner ;)
Hytac: What???!!! Bwahahaahahaaaaa… (Laughs and crumples into a heap, still laughing hysterically) Haha… Dress up…Bwahahaha… Brad…heehee…
Lisa: Oh yeah… especially since Hitman doesn’t have a thing for Brad.
Hytac: Exactly! Bwahahahaaa…
Hitman: Really Hytac, you’re getting to be a nasty individual…
Kallah: Well, Hitman?
Lisa: Yeah, what about it…
Hitman: Sorry girls, but that’s where I draw the line.
Hytac: (Having stopped laughing) Wanna bet?
Hitman: We wait and we won… (Sees Hytac getting her gun ready)…umm… on the second thought, better not.
Hytac: (Looks through her bag) I think I have one bullet left…
Hitman: Uh oh



THE END



Note: The idea for this fanfic was originally concieved by a jest on the M.A.S.K. mailinglist. It was developed and turned into a ridiculous story by Hytac a.k.a. yours truly, with the permission of the characters involved. Special thanks to Hitman, Lisa and Kallah for being so sporting. A few copyrighted items have been mentioned in this script. They are the copyright of their respective owners. As usual, M.A.S.K. is the copyright of Kenner-Parker toy yada yada… you get the idea

Now go join the mailinglist. ;)

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