I want to take some courses and write a book, but until then, here is my humble attempt to write some of my memories, bare with me please and please receive this story with your heart and hold it with respect.

It has been a life changing event for me and if, in any small way, my sharing this true life story can brighten your journey, give you hope, support you in your personal struggles, then the inter-connectedness of all of mankind will yet again benefit us all.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in June 1999, the same month that my step-father passed away from lung cancer.

Ross put up an honorable fight against the disease. The last ten days of his life were spent in a hospital bed that was set up in our dining room. A small table was situated between his bed and the couch, where I slept, so I was not far from him.

Ross was coherent and communicative throughout his experience; he shared his experience very clearly and with intelligence.

About 3 days before he died, he made the comment "honey, when it comes to the end of our life, all that matters is our love of God and others, the love we give and receive is all that we leave and take". He said a bit later on......"no I don't want the water, I want coca cola".....I of course thought he was talking to me but the thing was, I wasn't offering him water so I didn't pay much attention to what he was saying as it seemed uneventful.

The atmosphere in our home was holy, honestly, it was sacred. I don't know how to describe the feeling of awareness that I was experiencing during this time totally surrounded our home and us, it was like being in a bubble, protected from everything of was sweet, peaceful, gentle, comforting, light, and divine. Another thing I was very aware of was that time seemed to be unimportant. I realized that most people live life as if it's on "fast speed" and for those 10 days....time was set to "regular speed"...which is much more relaxed, slower and simple, the worldly pressures were unimportant and had no effect upon us.

There is so much more to this story, but I want to take you to the very last day of his life.

In that protection, around 3am the atmosphere suddenly took on a different mood ...for the one and only time fear joined the journey.... it got scary, dark and I knew I needed assistance. You see.....Everyday during those 10 days, for whatever reason, Ross would want to have our intimate talks around 3am in the mornings, but on August 10th, it took a different tone, and I called a dear friend to come and assist me.

After we anointed Ross and each of us and said a prayer, things settled down, all darkness and fear left and Ross went into a dialogue with someone invisible....remember....I explained that he was vocal, verbal and communicative, so his conversations were clear and understandable, but this conversation started a bit different.

He said....."No, I don't want the water.......I ASKED FOR MY LIFE BACK......and now you're offering me water? ......I want coca cola"......then he went into dialogue....body language, expressions made it very evident.

I knew intuitively that I wasn't supposed to over hear the remainder of Ross' part of the I moved myself over to the living room patio door and stared outside,.... the morning had been breaking, it was a very hot summer that year.

After about 45 minutes, Ross had settled into a quiet, reflective manner. I went to him, took his hand, stroked his forehead and whispered to him that I was beside him. His eyes were closed, he was at peace.

The hospital bed was situated in such a way that he was facing the stairwell. He opened his the most strong, clear, yet HUMBLE, respectful manner....he said...."please, give me the water.".....and when he said that.....his eyes opened fully...wide....and oh my God....I have NEVER seen the MOST BEAUTIFUL BLUE that his eyes had shone....he had blue eyes...but somehow....this blue is incredible, words can't describe.....and as he was looking up the stairwell....he was taking in a long deep breath.... as his smile was increasing....I have never...ever....seen pure ecstasy as I saw on his was was was powerful....I wish you could see the memory through me!!!

As he drew in his breath, his smile kept increasing and JOY radiated from him and as he let his breath out......he was gone.....I stroked his I did...his body shimmied. August 10, 2001 at husband let out his last breath and he was gone....he died with a huge, peaceful smile on his face.

A time of quiet reflecting and reverence began for those of us closest to Ross. As the daily mail was dropped into the house through the mail slot, I heard and felt a large POP and in a flash.... I was in "high speed" time again and the holy, sacred protective presence bubble was dissipated and exhaustion, shock and grief set in.

I believe there was more dignity in that man during those last ten days of his life. He let go of all of his walls and during that time of our relationship ....LOVE on various levels was exchanged between us. I'm a blessed woman!

Please forgive me if this comes across as "preaching", really this is not my intention, please just "take what you like and leave the rest", don't be offended or threatened by my opinions, please.

Now, here's my take on it.....many spiritual writings speak about "WATERS OF EVERLASTING LIFE"....and through this experience "we" shared and in the roles that we played for each other, we have received a true gift of "everlasting water", that has refreshed and purified "our" soul.

Don't be afraid to give of yourself completely, for your loved ones.....walk through the fear and beyond the ego and just BE....just love for the sake of given or all that matters....even if it's not returned to you in the manner that you give are not responsible for accounting for others....their choices are theirs to account for.....allow everyone the dignity to walk their own walk.

Sometimes we have to let go of those who we love....whether they leave us in death or just plain move away and out of our lives....find the place where forgiveness gives you freedom and them too (this is a hard one, I know, I am still learning this lesson).

Life isn't all sunshine, all happy, all goodness, all needs being met, all is life....the positive, the negative.....the light, the dark.....the joy, the pain......the love, the hate.....the loyalty, the betrayal.....there seems to be a balance of everything, or a harmony, and when I embrace EVERYTHING in the loving neutrality of it, duality and separation is transcended. My purpose is not to judge anything, no matter how the ego mind wants to perceive it and when I surrender and admit that I don't KNOW what something is, and go within and ask for TRUTH to be shown, I am able to stay in true PEACE, as I allow TRUTH to reveal IT'S SELF.

I make stupid, heart breaking choices, I can be selfish, I betray myself, I trample upon my own heart by sacrificing what’s sacred, I put up walls, I walk in fear.....not all of the time.....I have looked for love in all the wrong places.....NO ONE IS PERFECT in personality....but we are PERFECT in the TRUTH of WHO "we" ARE in SPIRIT/SOUL/ESSENCE.

In all of my humanity.....I'm learning that God loves me - we are ONE, I'm learning to love me - I am ONE, I'm learning to love others - "we" are ONE, I'm learning to unlearn the beliefs that are lies.....I Am Being in and having human experiences.

There is a purpose for everything under the sun!!!! I am a servant for LOVE, I do this to honor LOVE, and LOVES will is my will and will be done. I hope and long to hear these words....."Well done, true and faithful friend". Bottom line....I surrender, I am on the journey of BEING. I accept LOVE'S grace through it all.

Blessings to you, the reader....I hope, by sharing this....I have given you something to impact your life in a positive, loving way. Blessings as you trudge the road to happy destiny.


We all have our stories, and this is a small part of my actual life story and all of it has been my path to HIGHER, HOLY, DIVINE SELF AWARENESS.

~ Debra

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