are they to kill us now, daddy?

Miss Kitty's Kult of Yakult



When the Yakult campaign put out the slogan "Everybody's talking Yakult" little did they know how wrong their little attempt at pre-emptive advertising would be because instead of everybody all they got was me. I am the only person in the entire world to actually be talking Yakult, fact fans.

Yakult, to me, is the most fascinating thing to be found in the fridge (except maybe Caffinesse); it has the power to horrify and arouse and ultimately can only become the object of addiction. How I long for the feel of the cool, smooth little bottle in my hand, the triumph of peeling off the red and silver foil top in one piece and at last the first taste of that mysterious yellow liquid! Ah, my own personal elixir!

Then comes the bad side, for there always is one in this cruel excuse for a world - why did they make the bottles so goddamn small? That is in fact the real true mystery of Yakult. There is surely not enough in one bottle to quench the thirst of even the smallest anaemic wren let alone a strapping young kitty like me so why, man, why?

Well, one day it dawned on me as I stood contemplating the fresh pack of Yakults glinting whorishly in my fridge - Yakult is deadly dangerous in some way! Yes, if they didn't need to restrict our dosage so carefully they would have made gigantic great big pitchers of the stuff la Sunny Delight! And conclusive evidence of these facts is that each pack contains but seven wee bottles, seven wee shots, of Yakult. Why not a more even number like six or eight? Because you're only supposed to drink one a day, fools! You can't say that that isn't what they're implying, can you?

So my four-a-day Yakult habit is killing me but what can I do? Nurse, I think it's time for my sponge bath.