LIKE MANY SELF-MUTILATORS, I WAS PHYSICALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSED.
CUTTING MYSELF WAS A WAY A WAY TO ESCAPE THE PAIN I ENDURED LIVING
IN MY HOME.  I REMEMBER VIVIDLY THE FIRST TIME I CUT.  I WAS 12 
YEARS OLD.  MY FATHER HAD JUST BEAT AND MOLESTED ME AND I WANTED
TO DIE.  I NEEDED A WAY TO RELIEVE MY PAIN.  I TOOK A SERRATED KNIFE
FROM THE KITCHEN WITH THE INTENT TO KILL MYSELF.  I MADE ONE 
HORIZONTIAL CUT ON MY WRIST.  ONCE I MADE THAT CUT, I FELT SUCH A 
FEELING OF RELIEF, MY FIRST SELF-ABUSE RUSH.  I NO LONGER FELT THE NEED
TO KILL MYSELF.  I FELT IN CONTROL AND A FEELING OF SERENITY.  I OFTEN
USED CUTTING AS A FORM OF SELF-PUNISHMENT.  I USUALLY CUT WHEN I AS FEELING,
SCARED, ANGRY, GUILTY, OR "TOO HAPPY".  IF I CUT WHEN I WAS SCARED I FELT 
IN CONTROL, IF I CUT WHEN I WAS ANGRY MY ANGER FLOWED OUT WITH MY BLOOD
WHEN I FELT GUILTY I USED CUTTING AS A FORM OF SELF-PUNISHMENT, WHEN
I FELT LIKE I WAS "TOO HAPPY"  AND THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE IT I CUT TO
PUNISH MYSELF.  I CUT FOR MANY DIFFRENT REASONS BUT THE RESULTS WERE
USUALLY THE SAME.  A FEELING OF RELIEF, SERENITY AND COMFORT.  MY
CUTTING QUICKLY BEGAN TO PROGRESS.  I WAS CUTTING ALMOST DAILY. I GOT
OUT OF MY ABUSIVE HOME AND WENT TO LIVE WITH MY DRAMA INSTUCTOR.  I
THOUGHT I'D BE ABLE TO STOP BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT ONCE I LEFT ALL
MY PAIN WOULD END.  I QUICKLY LEARNED THE SCARS OF ABUSE STAY WITH YOU
UNTIL YOU TRULY HEAL THEM.  THEN I FOUND OUT WHAT AN ADDICTION CUTTING
REALLY IS!  I CONTINUED TO CUT. MY CUTTING PROGRESSED FROM ONE LITTLE 
SUPERFICIAL CUT TO GETTING STITCHES MANY TIMES. I GOT SICK OF THE SCARS,
SICK OF HIDING IT, SICK OF FEELING LIKE I WAS CRAZY. I DECIDED I WANTED TO
COPE IN BETTER WAYS AFTER I GOT ADMITTED TO A PSYCIATRIC HOSPITAL
FOR THE FIRST TIME.  ONCE I DECIDED I CARED ENOUGH ABOUT MYSELF TO STOP
DESTROYING MYSELF I WOULD BEGIN TO FALL INTO A CYCLE IF I RELAPSED.
I WOULD FEEL GUILTY AND LIKE A FAILURE FOR RELAPSING SO I'D CUT AGAIN 
SO I'D FEEL GUILTY AND LIKE A FAILURE SO I CUT AGAIN AND SO ON.  I WAS
PLACED IN A LONG TERM RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER WHEN I WAS 16 THAT 
AT THE AGE OF 18 I STILL RESIDE IN.  I LEARNED MUCH NEEDED COPING SKILLS
AND RECIEVED MUCH NEEDED SUPPORT.  I HAD EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO TO STOP
EXCEPT THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT.  I HAD TO DECIDE... TRULY DECIDE,
THAT I WANTED TO STOP.  THAT WAS A STRUGGLE.  I COULDN'T IMAGINE
LIVING THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT CUTTING OR BURNING MYSELF.  THE
LONGEST I HAVE EVER GONE WITHOUT HURTING MYSELF IS 7 MONTHS.  NOW I TRY
TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.  I TRY TO UTALIZE MY COPING SKILLS AND MY 
SUPPORT SYSTEM

YOU CAN STOP!
HERE ARE SOME TIPS-

*FIND A SUPPORT SYSTEM,
FRIENDS ARE GREAT BUT TRY TO
INCLUDE SOME PROFFESIONALS
LET PEOPLE HELP YOU!
IT IS A HARD ROAD AHEAD
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRAVEL
IT ALONE

*TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME
TRY TO MAKE A DAILY CONTRACT 
WHEN YOU WAKE UP SAYING:
"TODAY I WON'T HURT MYSELF,
IF I FEEL THE NEED TO I WILL_____.
IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT MAKE THE CONTRACT
FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME.

*FIND SOMETHING THAT SOUTHES YOUR URGES.
SOME THINGS THAT HELP ME ARE HOT SHOWERS
POWERWALKS AND HAVING A CIGARETTE.

*GET RID OF YOUR STASHES

*KEEP A JOURNAL ABOUT YOU FEELINGS AND
DOCUMENT YOUR URGES, KEEP YOUR CONTRACTS IN
THERE

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU
MIGHT SELF ABUSE

*STAY WITH OTHERS

*DELAY THE ACT, YOUR URGE WILL EVENTUALLY PASS

*STAY AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS

*REMIND YOURSELF OF LONG TERM CONCEQUENCES

*YELL, NO, OR STOP OUT LOUD

*CALL A FRIEND, THERAPIST OR HOTLINE

Self-Mutilation is the act of harming ones body
without the intent of suicide.  Some of the ways
Self-Mutilators injure themselves (but is not limited to)
is cutting their body, (superficialy or deep) burning 
themselves, pulling out their, banging their heads against 
hard objects, punching hard objects,and ripping off
their nails.  When a person self-abuses they usually feel
relief, and a feeling of serenity and control.  Many self-
abusers use self-mutilation as a form of self-punishment.

I have created this page in the hopes of educating those who
do not self-abuse and providing a place for self-abusers to
find information, coping skills, and to know that they are 
not alone!  

MY BLADE MY FRIEND

PAIN AND DISPAIR
MORE HURT THAN I CAN STAND
BUT MY FRIND INVITES ME TO A PLACE
WITH NO TOURMENT IN MY SOUL
IN EXCHANGE FOR
PAIN ON MY FLESH INSTEAD
I TAKE THIS OFFER
AND LET MY FRIEND IN
UNDER MY SKIN
TO RID ME OF THIS MENTAL ANGUISH
MY PAIN FLOWS OUT WITH MY BLOOD
BUT I AM NOT CONTENT
IT IS NEVER ENOUGH
I CANNOT STOP
A NEW ESCAPE TO REPLACE MY OLD FRIEND
WHERE DOES THIS CYCLE END
PAIN EQUALS MORE PAIN EQUALS MORE
I WILL DIG DEEPER TILL 
I LIE IN A POOL OF BLOOD
WITH MY FRIEND IN MY HAND


UNTITLED

A CUT AND A SLICE
NOW EVERYTHINGS NICE
A PRICK OR A BITE
GIRL NEXT TIME THINK TWICE
A FRIEND RIGHT THERE
GIRL REACH OUT YOUR HAND
THERES A WAY TO STOP
NOW JUST MAKE A PLAN


WHY


WHY DID YOU BREAK THAT GLASS
THAT VERY FIRST TIME
AND HOLD IT TO YOUR WRIST
WHY DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN
WHEN YOU MADE THAT FIRST CUT
AND FELT THAT FEELING OF RELIEF
YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN 
THAT IT WAS TO GOOD TO BELIEVE
HOW COULD YOU FEEL SO GOOD
DOING SOMETHING SO WRONG
YOU DIDN'T SEE THE CONSEQUENCES
THAT WOULD COME ALONG
CUTTING
BURNING
TEARING
SCRATCHING
HOW COULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS FEEL
SO RELAXING
THE CUTS ON YOUR ARMS
THE BURNS A DISCRACE
THE QUESTIONS WERE ASKED
BUT YOU WAVED THEM AWAY
HOPING THEY'D UNDERSTAND
SOMEDAY


WHISPERS

PEOPLE WHISPERING
BEHIND YOUR BACK
YOU TURN TO FACE THEM
THEY SMILE BACK
THEY THINK YOU DIDN'T HEAR
WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY
"WHAT KIND OF FREAK COULD HURT HERSELF THAT WAY"
"IT'S FOR THE ATTENTION"
THAT'S THE WORD GOING ROUND
THOUGH YOU NEVER SHOWED IT OFF
OR MEANT IT TO BE FOUND
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST MIND THEIR OWN BUISNESS
THEY DIDN'T CARE BEFORE
WHY IS THIS ANY DIFFRENT
NOW YOU WALK AROUND WITH ANOTHER LABEL ON YOU SOUL
FOR PEOPLE TO LAUGH AT
WILL YOU EVER AGAIN FEEL WHOLE?