FUNNNY™ WAS HERE

Haaa Haaa Haaa!!!!!!!

There's a hell of a lot to read here.  Mostly, it’s stuff that we found online. If you read this there is five dollars at the end (No Skipping Ahead). You'll understand when you get there. Also some random Quotes that help explain different things in life. We got the five dollars back!  The Resume is LONG don't try to read in one week. 

Have fun!

(Note: be prepared to be offended occasionally)

I you find any Quotes send them to us here or at:

lupis_project42@yahoo.com

lupis42@wpi.edu

 

To Compute...

Or Not To Compute...

That Is The Question...

Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..

To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...

...Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of..Transistors,

Or Rather Transponders...

Transcondu--

Trans...

Er...

 

Oh, To Hack With It.

 

Index:

How To Impress A Woman

Quotes:

 - General Quotes

 - Terry Prattchet Quotes

 - Dorothy Parker Quotes

 - Famous Last Words

 - 12 Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe

 - Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

 - Quotes Of Personal Significance

Did They Really Say That?

Tech Support

Work:

 - Excuses For Skipping Work

 - Excuses For Sleeping At Your Desk

 - How Gates Does It

 - Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

 - Job Descriptions

Golf

Deep Thoughts

Consultants

Bad Jokes:

 - Bad Jokes

 - Sven, Ole, and Unemployment

 - Ties In The Desert

 - Very Punny

 - Three On Insurance

 - Bible

 - Scary Pilot

 - School Nervousness

 - Dieting

 - Feet

 - Lunch

 - Two On Cloning

 - Four Elk And A Plane 

 - Mushrooms

 - Supercallifragelistic...

 - Ethnicities

 - Swearing

 - Nice Dress

 - Wet Car

 - Dumb Jock

 - Something Unthinkable

 - Business Deductions

 - Who's Kid?

 - Florists

 - Language Barrier

 - In The Desert

 - The Plus Sign

New Math

The Evolution Of Math

That's Just Mean

 - Poor Father Norton

 - Town Gossip

 - Email...

 - KGB

 - Emabrrassed?

 - Hearing Aid

 - Recommendation?

 - Speeding Tips

 - Nickels and Dimes

 - Valentines

 - Gators

 - Bears

 - Neighbor

Shorts

Suicide

Poems

 - Spelling Chequer

 - "'Twas the Night Before Release Date."

 - Dr Suess On technical Training

 - Edgar Allen Poe on PCs

 - The OJ Trial, by D.Suess

 - The Yoda Song

Chritians, Jews, And Golfing

Ankh

Lists

 - Beer Troubleshooting

 - Proverbs For Our Time

 - Network Age

 - Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

 - Actual doctors Notes

 - Virology

 - Excuses Excuses

 - British Signs

 - Advertisements

 - Headlines

 - How To Bake A Cake

 - Computer Acronyms

 - Top Ten Signs You Picked The Wrong ISP

 - Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat A Computer At Chess

 - Top 45 Oxymorons

 - Niven's Laws

 - Niven's Laws For Writers

 - Van Gogh's Relations

 - Bumper Stickers

 - Basic German

 - Handy Hits

 - Asteroid Science

 - Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster Is In A Cult

 - Top Ten Things You'll Hear With A Klingon On Your Software Team

 - Cruise Questions

 - Canadians, Brits, Or Americans

 - Top Ten Signs You Watch Too Much Star Trek

 - Top 10 Reasons why The Enterprise-D would defeat a Star Destroyer

 - Tenant Complaints

 - 100 Reasons to Be a Guy

 - Eight Simple Rules

 - Jesus Is Elvis (we're positive)

The Cow Problem

America

 - Only In America

 - Can You Imagine

 - Georgian Laws

 - Title To The Property

Redneck Lists

 - Tips For Northerner Going South

 - Redneck Etiquette

 - Computer terms for Rednecks

 - Redneck Medical Terminology For The Layman

 - You Know You're From Texas When

Etch-A-Sketch

Microsoft Cracks

 - Microsoft In Tenn. (Rednecks Too)

 - If Restaurants Were Like Microsoft

 - Windows Slogans

 - Gates And God

 - New Acquisitions

Books

Bad Times

Santa

 - Rightsizing

 - The Physics Before Christmas

 - The X-mas Files

Kids

Fun Things To Do...

 - 32 Ways To Be Annoying (great at parties! kids love it!)

 - More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates (and other social catastrophes)

 - Garage And Yard Sales...

 - Things To Do In An Elevator

Caffeine Addict's Quiz 

Alcohol

 - Five Stages Of Drunkenness

 - Appropriate Alcohol Warnings

 - Why You Should Drink

The Car

The War Between The Sexes

 - Dogs VS Men

 - Cats, Dogs, and Little People In fur Coats

 - Training Courses Available For Women

 - 1962 Quiz For Women to Determine Their Attractivness to Men (NOTE: this should not be taken seriously in thins century)

The English 

Success

Wife 1.0

Letter To the IRS

World Leaders

Thermodynamics

Reason # 173 To Fear Technology

The Five Dollars

God

Credits

 


How To Impress A Woman

      

      HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

      Compliment her,

      cuddle her,

      kiss her,

      caress her,

      love her,

      stroke her,

      tease her,

      comfort her,

      protect her,

      hug her,

      hold her,

      spend money on her,

      wine & dine her,

      buy things for her,

      listen to her,

      care for her,

      stand by her,

      support her,

      go to the ends of the earth for her

     

      HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

      Show up naked.

        Bring Beer.

 


General Quotes

 

"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it."

- Rex Reed

 

"I broke a mirror in my house.  I'm supposed to get 7 years

of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5."

 - Steven Wright

 

"Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house

in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns

a house in the woods."

 - Dennis Miller

 

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole

one and asked Him to forgive me."

  - Emo Philips

 

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway

and lost him."

 - Emo Philips

 
"I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very
much about what I think of what I do. That is character!
- Teddy Roosevelt

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
- B. C. Forbes

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

- Samuel Goldwyn

 

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I
tried to fill it with family, religion, community service,
but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
- Homer Simpson

 

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
- Homer Simpson

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from
that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
What's-his-name?
- Homer Simpson

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me
who to smite and they shall be smoten!
 - Homer Simpson
Ignore the boy, Lord.
 - Homer Simpson
 
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not
going to church!
 - Homer Simpson
"Licorice is the liver of candy."
 - Michael O'Donoghue
"You're never too old to become younger."
 - Mae West

"Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your 

pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors." 

 - Joey Adams

 

 I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal

of meeting me is another matter.

- Winston Churchill

 

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

- Aldous Huxley

 

It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live.

- Victor Hugo

 

 Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature.

 - Marcus Aurellus Antonius

 

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us; our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

- Albert Einstein

 

I want to go when I want. It is tasteless to prolong life artificially. I have done my share; it is time to go. I will do it elegantly.

- Albert Einstein

 

I want to be cremated so people won't come to worship at my bones.

- Albert Einstein

 

That is not dead

Which can eternal lie

Yet with strange aeons

Even death may die.

- H.P. Lovecraft

 

Let the world slide, let the world go; 

A fig for care, and a fig for woe! 

If I can't pay, why I can owe, 

And death makes equal the high and low.

- John Heywood

 

'T is strange that death should sing.

I am the cygnet to this pale faint swan,

Who chants a doleful hymn to his own death,

And from the organ-pipe of frailty sings

His soul and body to their lasting rest.

- William Shakespeare

 

And nothing can we call our own but death

And that small model of the barren earth

Which serves as paste and cover to our bones.

For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground

And tell sad stories of the death of kings.

- William Shakespeare

 

Cowards die many times before their deaths;

The valiant never taste of death but once.

- William Shakespeare

 

I know death hath ten thousand several doors

For men to take their exit.

- John Webster

 

A person doesn't die when he should but when he can.

- Gabriel García Márquez

 

Death is the king of this world: 'tis his park

Where he breeds life to feed him. Cries of pain

Are music for his banquet.

- George Eliot

 

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death.

- Revelation 6:8

 

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk.

It is walking toward me, without hurrying.

- Jean Cocteau

 

I feel no pain dear mother now,

But oh, I am so dry!

O take me to a brewery,

And leave me there to die.

- Anonymous (19th century)

 

Death is a Dialouge between, The Spirit and the Dust.

- Emily Dickinson

 

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

- William Shakespeare

 

Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave.

- Bishop Hall

 

Time flies, death urges, knells call, Heaven invites, Hell threatens.

- Edward Young

 

Lovely in death the beauteous ruin lay;

And if in death still lovely, lovelier there;

Far lovelier! pity swells the tide of love.

- Edward Young

 

While man is growing, life is in decrease;

And cradles rock us nearer to the tomb.

Our birth is nothing but our death begun.

- Edward Young

 

But I will be,

A bridegroom in my death, and run into't

As to a lover undefineds bed."

- William Shakespeare

 

The world is the mirror of myself dying.

- Henry Miller

 

And I will show that nothing can happen more beautiful than death.

- Walt Whitman

 

And what the dead had no speech for, when living,

They can tell you, being dead: the communication

Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living.

- T.S. Eliot

 

One owes respect to the Living. To the Dead, one owes only Truth.

- Voltaire

 

This suspense is killing me, I hope it lasts.

- Willy Wonka

 

Sleep,

Those little slices of Death

How I loathe them.

- Edgar Allen Poe

 

I'm so happy dancing while the grim reaper

cuts, cuts, cuts, but he can't get me.

I'm as clever as can be, and I'm very quick but don't forget;

we've only got so many tricks.

no one lives forever.

- Danny Elfman

 

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen

 

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

- Nietzsche

 

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

- George Bernard Shaw

 

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The  difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

- Woody Allen

 

When one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a

better language.

 - John Donne

 

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise.

You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy.

Your dew is like the dew of the morning;

the earth will give birth to her dead.

- Isaiah 26:19

 

Her lips were red, her looks were free,

Her locks were yellow as gold :

Her skin was as white as leprosy,

The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,

Who thicks man's blood with cold.

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

 

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million 

lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.

- Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross

 

Men fear death as children fear to go into the dark; and as that

natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other.

- Francis Bacon

 

A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time

when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.

- Steward Alsop

 

Truth sits upon the lips of dying men.

- Matthew Arnold

 

The words of a dead man are modified in the guts of the living.

- W. H. Auden

 

I do not believe that any man fears to be dead,  but only the stroke of death.

- Francis Bacon

 

When one by one our ties are torn,

 and friend from friend is snatched forlorn;

 When man is left alone to mourn,

oh! then how sweet it is to die!

- Anna Letitia Barabauld

 

Death always waits. The door of the hearse is never closed.

- Joseph Bayly

 

Death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead.  Therefore grieve not for what is inevitable.

- Bhagavad Gita

 

I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead.

- Jimmy Buffet

 

Men are never really willing to die except for the sake of freedom: therefore they do

not believe in dying completely.

- Albert Camus

 

Woe, woe, woe... in a little while we shall all be dead.  Therefore let us behave as though we were dead already.

- Raymond Chandler

 

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.

- Leonardo Da Vinci

 

A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.

- James Duffecy

 

The death of what's dead is the birth of what's living.

- Arlo Guthrie

 

 

Pale death with an impartial foot knocks at the hovels of the poor and the palaces of king.

- Horace

 

Death is feared as birth is forgotten.

- Doug Horton

 

We are all dead men on leave.

- Eugene Levine

 

Death is a displaced name for a linguistic predicament.

- Paul De Man

 

Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live.

- Henry Van Dyke

 

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

- Margaret Smith

 

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

 

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

- Rosanne Barr

 

My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.

- Rita Rudner

 

Writing only leads to more writing.

- Collette

 

I was born because my mother needed a fourth for meals.

- Beatrice Lillie

 

A girl can't analyze marriage, and a woman dare not.

- Lady Troubridge

 

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.

- Ayn Rand

 

If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks.

- Cynthina Nelms

 

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding.  A chinese man threw up on

me.

- Phyllis Diller

 

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year --- everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

- Lilly Tomlin, as Ernestine the Operator

 

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

- Adrienne Gusoff

 

If you live your life with your head up your ass, you'll always experience the same old shit.

- Adrienne Gusoff

 

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth ... or anywhere else.

- Elna Lanchester

 

All the world's a cage.

- Heanne Philips

 

Instant gratification is not soon enough.

- Meryl Streep

 

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.

- Denise Klahn

 

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified.

- Anita Weiss

 

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

- Minna Antrim

 

If what I do prove well, it won't advance. /

They'll say it's stolen, or else it was by chance.

- Anne Bradstreet

 

The natural superiority of women is a biological fact,  and a socially acknowledged reality.

- Ashely Montagu

 

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing --- and then they marry him.

- Cher

 

Women are the real architects of society.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom's Cabin

 

So you're the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war.

- Abraham Lincoln, on meeting Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

Not only have women been successful in entering fields in which men are supposed to have a more natural aptitude, but they have created entirely new businesses.

- Lucretia P. Hunter, ``The Girl Today, The Woman Tomorrow'', 1932

 

I'm tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want.

- Madonna

 

I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be inferior.

- Katherine Hepburn

 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

 

Canadians are cold so much of the time that many of them leave instructions to be cremated.

- Cynthia Nelms

 

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

- Erma Bombeck

 

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

- Carole Burnett

 

In New York City, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space.

- Judith Stone

 

A stale mind is the devil's breadbox.

- Mary Bly

 

I don't sleep with happily married men.

- Britt Ekland

 

Jews don't go camping. Life is hard enough as it is.

- Carol Siskind

 

I think, therefore I'm single.

- Liz Winston

 

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she  said, ``Get the hell off my property.''

- Joan Rivers

 

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

 

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''

- Rita Rudner

 

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.

- Zenna Schaffer

 

I love my kids, but I wouldn't want them for friends.

- Janet Sorensen

 

We owe something to extravagance, for thrift and adventure seldom go hand in hand.

- Jenny Jerome Churchill

 

Her only flair is in her nostrils.

- Pauline Kael

 

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.

- Joan Klempner

 

I may be a dumb blonde, but I'm not that blonde.

- Patricia Neill

 

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"

- Delta Burke

 

Anyone with more than 365 pair of shoes is a pig.

- Barbara Melser Lieberman

 

English was good enough for Jesus Christ and it's good enough for the children of Texas.

- Miriam ``Ma'' Ferguson, Governor of Texas, 1924

 

A hundred years for now? All new people.

- Anne Lamott

 

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

- Elayne Boosler

 

Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty.

- Cathy Ladman

 

Women who buy perfume and flowers for themselves because their men won't do it are called ``self basting.''

- Adair Lara

 

If Shakespeare had to go on an author tour to promote  "Romeo and Juliet", he never would have written "Macbeth".

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

 

I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.

- Carolyn Green

 

I rely on my personality for birth control.

- Liz Winston

 

I tried to commit suicide by sticking my head in the oven, but there was a cake in it.

- Lesley Boone.

 

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

- Monica Piper

 

Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out.

- Adrienne Gusoff

 

Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.

- Agatha Christie

 

If men liked shopping, they'd call it research.

- Cythina Nelms

 

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

- Rita Mae Brown

 

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

- Jackie Onassis

 

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

- Ernestine Ulmer

 

Travel, instead of broadening the mind, often merely lengthens the conversation.

- Elizabeth Drew

 

The only aspect of our travels that is interesting to others is disaster.

- Martha Gellman

 

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

- Carole Burnett

 

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

- Katherine Hepburn

 

Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

- Rita Rudner

 

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

- Phyllis Diller

 

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

 

If the shoe fits, it's too expensive.

- Adrienne Gusoff

 

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

- Maryon Pearson

 

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that they just about throw up.

- Barbara Bush

 

The sins of the fathers are often visited upon the sons-in-law.

- Joan Kiser

 

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

- Roseanne Barr

 

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, ``Sorry, we're open.''

- Roseanne Barr

 

Things are always darkest just before they go pitch black.

- Kelly Robinson

 

If you don't show up at a party, people will assume you're fat.

- Stephanie Vanderkellen

 

If at first you don't succeed, why go on and make a fool of yourself?

- Susanna Pomeory

 

Having something to say is overrated.

- Adair Lara

 

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.

- Ivy Compton-Burnett

 

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

- Alice Roosevelt Longworth, on Calvin Coolidge

 

Art is one thing that can go on mattering once it has stopped hurting.

- Elizabeth Bowen

 

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

- Cythina Nelms

 

You can't build a reputation on what you intend to do.

- Liz Smith

 

In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it's a fact.

- Marlene Dietrich

 

The worst moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful and has no one to thank.

- Wendy Ward

 

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

- Helen Rowland

 

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

- Tallulah Bankhead

 

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.

- Helena Rubenstein

 

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

- Rebecca West

 

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

- Katharine Whitehorn

 

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

- Mae West

 

We are so vain that we even care for the opinions of those we don't care for.

- Marie Egner von Eschenbach

 

We want far better reasons for having children than not knowing how to prevent them.

- Dora Russell

 

A good listener is not someone with nothing to say. A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.

- Katharine Whitehorn

 

Politeness is one half good nature and the other half good lying.

- Mary Wilson Little

 

Ever notice that Soup For One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

- Elayne Boosler

 

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

- Lilly Tomlin, as Ernestine the Operator

 

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of telling the truth.

- Lillian Hellman

 

If someone tells you he is going to make ``a realistic decision,' you immediately understand that he is going to do something bad.

- Mary McCarthy

 

Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you.

- Mae West

 

One has a greater sense of degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.

- Alice Jones

 

It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.

- Brigitte Bardot

 

The youthful sparkle in Ronald Reagan's eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished.

- Sheila Graham

 

No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair.

- Maraget Turnbull

 

I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

- Anita Loos

 

The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.

- Edna O'Brien

 

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

- Rebecca West

 

Once a woman has forgiven a man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.

- Marlene Dietrich

 

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

- Tallulah Bankhead, on seeing a former lover for the first time in years

 

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.

- Jean Kerr

 

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

- George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

 

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

- Virginia Woolf

 

Doctors and nurses are people who give you medicine until you die.

- Deborah Martin

 

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

- Phyllis Diller

 

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

- Beverly Sills

 

Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

- Jane Wagner

 

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he _becomes_ polite.

- Jean Kerr

 

Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real life.

- Simone Weil

 

The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.

- Virginia Woolf

 

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

- Indira Gandhi

 

I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.

- Fanny Burney

 

There are some people who leave impressions not so lasting as the imprint of an oar upon the water.

- Kate Chopin

 

She's the original good time that was had by all.

- Bette Davis, about a starlet

 

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

- Elayne Boolser

 

When mom found my diaphram, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

- Liz Winston

 

Living in a vacuum sucks.

- Adrienne Gusoff

 

Rules are for people who don't know how to get around them.

- Tori Harrison

 

If you talk enough, you don't feel you have to _do_ anything.

- John Updike's mother

 

If age imparted wisdom, there wouldn't be any old fools.

- Claudia Young

 

Most men who are not married by the age of thirty-five are either homosexual or really smart.

- Becky Rodenbeck

 

Van Gogh became a painter because he had no ear for music.

- Nikki Harris

 

He who laughs last didn't get it.

- Helen Giangregorio

 

In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.

- Lauren Bacall

 

I'm not the public.

- Lauren Bacall, on being told that a store was not open to the public

 

People don't live nowadays --- they get about ten percent out of life.

- Isadora Duncan

 

Falling out of love is very enlightening. For a short while you see the world with new eyes.

- Iris Murdoch

 

Every little girl knows about love. It is only her capacity to suffer because of it that increases.

- Francois Sagan

 

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

- Margot Asquith

 

Nobody speaks the truth when there is something they must have.

- Elizabeth Bowen

 

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

- Edna Ferber

 

When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

- Helen Rowland

 

It should be a very happy marriage --- they are both so much in love with him.

- Irene Thomas

 

The ultimate indignity is to be given a bedpan by a stranger who calls you by your first name.

- Maggie Kuhn

 

Women want mediocre men, and men are working to become as mediocre as possible.

- Margaret Mead

 

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.

- Jane Austen

 

A man is so in the way in the house.

- Elizabeth Gaskell

 

Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security  prison, except for the imminent threat of release.

- Germaine Greer

 

The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

- Helen Rowland

 

Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.

- Agatha Christie

 

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

- Katharine Whitehorn

 

We met Dr. Hall in such deep mourning that either his mother, his wife, or himself must be dead.

- Jane Austen

 

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me that trouble of liking them.

- Jane Austen

 

In New York City, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans.

- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

 

As I grow

older and older, /

And totter toward the tomb, /

I find that I care less /

and less /

Who goes to bed with whom. /

- Dorothy Sayers

 

There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children.  When you're on the witness stand.

- Joyce Jillson

 

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known  to him by heart and his friends can only read the title.

- Virginia Woolf

 

Politeness is half good manners and half good lying.

- Mary Wilson Little

 

When you were quite a little boy, somebody ought to have said ``hush'' just once.

- Mrs Patrick Campbell, to George Bernard Shaw

 

Fortunately, psychoanalysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts.  Life itself remains a very effective therapist.

- Karen Horney

 

Daughters go into analysis hating their fathers and come out hating their mothers. They never come out hating themselves.

- Laurie Jo Wojcik

 

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

There exists no politician in India daring enough to attempt to explain to the masses that cows can be eaten.

- Indira Gandhi

 

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the first time?

- Katharine Whitehorn

 

With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn't consider dying.

- Bette Davis, on being told that her death was rumored

 

Mothers are a biological necessity; fathers are a social invention.

- Margaret Mead

 

Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups.

- Cathy Guisewite

 

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.

- Harriet Braiker

 

Until you lose your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.

- Margaret Mitchell

 

The way to do research is to attack the facts at the point of greatest astonishment.

- Celia Green

 

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving.

- Rosalind Russell, as Aunti Mame

 

Noncooks think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet.

-Julia Child

 

My father was often angry when I was most like him.

- Lillian Hellman

 

Babies don't need fathers, but mothers do. Someone who is taking care of a baby needs to be taken care of.

- Amy Heckerling

 

Whenever I get married I start buying "Gourmet Magazine".

- Nora Ephron

 

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.

- Harriet Van Horne

 

What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would

do it for you.

-Nora Ephron

 

You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.

- Marilyn Peterson

 

If I can't have too many truffles, I'll do without truffles.

- Collette

 

Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resentment and ennui and

accompanied by psychosomatic jitters.

- M. F. K. Fisher

 

No more tears now; I will think about revenge.

- Mary Queen of Scots

 

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?

- Jane Austen

 

I shall be an autocrat, that's my trade; and that good Lord will forgive me, that's his.

- Catherine the Great

 

The cry of equality pulls everyone down.

- Iris Murdoch

 

I love children --- especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

- Nancy Mitford

 

I was raised almost entirely on turnips and potatoes, but I think that the turnips had more to do with the effect than

the potatoes.

- Marlene Dietrich

 

What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.

- Margot Asquith

 

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

- Joan Rivers

 

You should always believe what you read in the newspapers, for that makes them more interesting.

- Rose Macauley

 

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

- Loretta Lynn

 

I feel sure that no girl would go to the altar if she knew all.

- Queen Victoria

 

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.

- Bette Davis

 

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.

- Hannah More, 1775

 

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

- Bette Midler

 

I feel like a million tonight --- but one at a time.

- Mae West

 

My favorite animal is steak.

- Fran Lebowitz

 

God is love, but get it in writing.

- Gypsy Rose Lee

 

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

- Helen Rowland

 

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

- Fran Lebowitz

 

The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.

- Rebecca West

 

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

- Nora Ephron

 

Nothing succeeds like address.

- Fran Lebowitz

 

You should always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know that you're always making a choice.

- Lina Wertmuller

 

Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.

- Cornelia Otis Skinner

 

The prostitute is the only honest woman left in America.

- Ty-Grace Atkinson

 

I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done.

- Madame Curie

 

We all like stories that make us cry. It's so nice to feel sad when you've nothing in particular to feel sad about.

- Annie Sullivan

 

It doesn't make any difference what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

 

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

- Mae West

 

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

- Mae West

 

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they don't like him.

- Marlene Dietrich

 

I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.

- Katharine Hepburn

 

When a man meets catastrophe on the road, he looks in his purse, but a woman looks in her mirror.

- Margaret Turnbull

 

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.

- Edith Sitwell

 

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

- Mae West

 

The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you.

- Nancy Astor

 

In university they don't tell you that the greater part of the law is learning to tolerate fools.

- Doris Lessing

 

One man's folly is another man's wife.

- Helen Rowland

 

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

- Helen Gurley Brown

 

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?

- Edith Evans

 

If you educate a man you educate a person, but if you educate a woman you educate a family.

- Ruby Manikan

 

ThisEnglishwoman is so refined /

She has no bosom and no behind.

- Stevie Smith

 

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.

- Virginia Woolf

 

Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond reason the opinion of others.

- Virginia Woolf

 

You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live now.

- Joan Baez

 

Acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly.

- Rosalind Russell

 

The years that a woman subtracts form her age are not lost. They are added to other women's.

- Diane De Poitiers

 

The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more.

- Collen McCullough

 

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- Missy Dizick

 

My husband said he wanted to have a relationship with a redhead, so I dyed my hair.

- Jane Fonda

 

The best time to plan a book is while you're doing the dishes.

- Agatha Christie

 

It's not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone with them.

- Isabel Colegate

 

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

- Mae West

 

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

- Joan Rivers

 

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

- Gloria Swanson

 

It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself.

- Betty Friedan

 

Lack of education is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive.

- Josephine Tey

 

Egotism -- usually just a case of mistaken nonentity.

- Barbara Stanwyck

 

If it were natural for father to care for their sons, they would not need so many laws commanding them to do so.

- Phyllis Chesler

 

We can lie in the language of dress or try ot tell the truth; but unless we are naked and bald, it is impossible to be silent.

- Alison Lurie

 

Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.

- Laurie Colwin

 

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

- Rita Mae Brown

 

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

- Edith Wharton

 

The world wants to be cheated. So cheat.

- Xaviera Hollander

 

There is nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.

- Clare Boothe Luce

 

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- Joan Rivers

 

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

- Lillian Day

 

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

- Mae West

 

The woman whose behavior indicates that she will make a scene if she is told the truth asks to be deceived.

- Elizabeth Jenkins

 

Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

- Judith Stern

 

Excessive literary production is a social offense.

- George Eliot, a.k.a. Mary Ann Evans

 

To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease.

- Nancy Mitford

 

In love there are things --- bodies and words.

- Joyce Carol Oates

 

Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

- Mae West

 

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

- Iris Murdoch

 

Never give up and never face the facts.

- Ruth Gordon

 

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

- Mignon McLaughlin

 

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

- Shelley Winters

 

No nice men are good at

getting taxis.

- Katharine Whitehorn

 

Getting along with men isn't what's

truly important. The vital knowledge is how to get along with one man.

-

Phyllis McGinley

 

The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on

woman.

- Nancy Astor

 

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly,

the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.

- Farrah Fawcett

 

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, other

just go over them.

- Sally Poplin

 

I was born at the age of twelve on an MGM lot.

- Judy Garland

 

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

- Mae West

 

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the

incompetent.

- Dame Edith Sitwell

 

Politician talk themselves red, white, and blue in the face.

- Clare Booth Luce

 

They say that women talk too much. If you have worked in congress 

you know that the filibuster was invented by men.

- Clare Booth Luce

 

The First Lady is an unpaid public servant elected by one person --- her husband.

- Lady Bird Johnson

 

I prefer liberty to chains of diamonds.

- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

 

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom.

- Muriel Spark

 

Power is the ability not to have to please.

- Elizabeth Janeway

 

Sanity is a cozy lie.

- Susan Sontag

 

If it's a woman, its caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative.

- Barbara Walters

 

The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.

-Amanda Cross

 

Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.

- Elinor Glyn

 

It is a common enough case, that of a man being suddenly captivated by a woman nearly the opposite of his ideal.

- George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

 

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.

- Mignon McLaughlin

 

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's the basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

- Mistinguette

 

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

- Collette

 

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

- Joan Rivers

 

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth paw the ground and swish my tail --- none of which is easy.

- Princess Anne

 

Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance.

- Helen Lawrenson

 

To err is human, but is feels divine.

- Mae West

 

There are men I could spend eternity with. but not this life.

- Kathleen Norris

 

Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

 

I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the ``dahling'' thing got started?

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

I fear nothing so much as a man who is witty all day long.

- Madame de Sevigne

 

I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of art.

- Dame Edith Sitwell

 

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer the m a drink.

- Fran Lebowitz

 

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.

- Margaret Miller

 

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.

- Mignon McLaughlin

 

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

- Dame Rose Macauley

 

There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, offers more entertainment than the TV set.

- Harriet Van Horne.

 

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

- Marilyn Monroe

 

On a plane you can pick up more and better people than on any other public conveyance since the stagecoach.

- Anita Loos

 

Traveling is the ruin of all happiness! There's no looking at a building after seeing Italy.

- Fanny Burney

 

Virtue has its own reward, but no box office.

- Mae West

 

If you stop to be kind, you must swerve often from your path.

- Mary Webb

 

War has become a luxury that only small nations can afford.

- Hannah Arendt

 

Before a war, military science seems a real science, like astronomy. After a war it seems more like astrology.

- Dame Rebecca West

 

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.

- Katharine Hepburn

 

All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.

- Marya Mannes

 

Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.

- Naomi Bliven

 

A woman can look book moral and exciting ... if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle.

- Edna Ferber

 

The Queen is most anxious to enlist everyone in checking this mad, wicked folly of ``Women's Rights.'' It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot contain herself.

- Queen Victoria

 

The argument of the broken pane of glass is the most valuable argument in modern politics.

- Emmeline Pankhurst

 

Men are not the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is women's denigration of themselves.

- Betty Friedan

 

The women's movement hasn't changed my sex life. It wouldn't dare.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Elegance is refusal.

- Coco Chanel

 

Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.

- Helen MacInnes

 

Everyone makes a greater effort to hurt other people than to help himself.

- Alexis Carrel

 

Changing husbands is only changing troubles.

- Kathleen Norris

 

It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.

- Lillian Bell

 

Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage he won't even lay down his newspaper.

- Helen Rowland

 

To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.

- Madame Swetchine

 

Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature --- and another woman to help him forget them.

- Helen Rowland

 

A sparkling house is a fine thing if the children aren't robbed of their luster in keeping it that way.

- Marcelene Cox

 

People with bad consciences always fear the judgement of children.

- Mary McCarthy

 

Baby: an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

- Elizabeth Adamson

 

My passport photo is one of the most remarkable photographs I have ever seen --- no retouching, no shadows, no flattery --- just stark me.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.

- Emily Dickinson

 

To be a hero or a heroine, one must give an order to oneself.

- Simone Weil

 

Hope is a thing with feathers /

That perches in the soul, /

And sings the tune without words /

And never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

 

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their pedestals.

- Agnes Repplier

 

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

- Rita Rudner

 

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

- Katharine Whitehorn

 

Eating without conversation is only stoking.

- Marcelene Cox

 

I am treating you as my friend asking you share my present minuses in the hope I can ask you to share my future pluses.

- Katherine Mansfield

 

Weather means more when you have a garden. There's nothing like listening to a shower and thinking how it is soaking in around your green beans.

- Marcelene Cox

 

Lots of people think they're charitable if they give away their old clothes and things they don't want.

- Myrtle Reed

 

To be a saint does not exclude fine dresses nor a beautiful house.

- Katherine Tynan Hinkson

 

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.

- Marcelene Cox

 

All sins are attempts to fill voids.

- Simone Weil

 

I want all hellions to quit puffing that hell fume in God's clean air.

- Carry Nation, on smoking

 

Who would ever think that so much went on in the soul of a young girl?

- Anne Frank

 

I like people who refuse to speak until they are ready to speak.

- Lillian Hellman

 

It it not good to see people who have been pretending strength all their lives lose it even for a minute.

- Lillian Hellman

 

When the grandmothers of today hear the word ``Chippendales,'' they don't necessary think of chairs.

- Joan Kerr

 

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.

- Erica Jong

 

If you realize too acutely how valuable time it, you are too paralyzed to do anything.

- Katharine Butler

 

Hathaway The tourist may complain of other tourists, but he would be lost without them.

- Agnes Repplier

 

Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then,  Life is dull without it.

- Pearl Buck

 

Those who are unhappy have no need for anything in this world but people capable of giving them their attention.

- Simone Weil

 

When you are unhappy, is there anything more maddening than to be told that you should be contented with your lot?

- Kathleen Norris

 

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.

- Marcelene Cox

 

Women are at last becoming persons first and wives second, and that is as it should be.

- May Sarton

 

Most women's magazines simply try to mold women into bigger and better consumers.

- Gloria Steinem

 

Writers should be read but not seen.  Rarely are they a winsome sight.

- Edna Ferber

 

Don't agonize. Organize.

- Florynce Kennedy

 

I don't mind being miserable as long as I'm painting well.

- Grace Hartigan

 

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

 

I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy.

- Marilyn Monroe

 

I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tunafish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock.

- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

 

I stopped believing in Santa Claus at age six when my mother took me to see him in a store and he asked for my autograph.

- Shirley Temple Black

 

By the time I'd grown up, I naturally supposed that I'd grown up.

- Eve Babitz

 

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

- Candice Bergen

 

If I hadn't started painting, I would have raised chickens.

- Grandma Moses

 

The eleventh commandment --- Thou shalt not be found out --- is the only one that is virtually impossible to keep these days.

- Berta Buxton (1844-1881)

 

In parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians.

- Gloria Pitzer  

All human relationships are a struggle for power.  A struggle to be the most subjective, and thus to make the other into an object.  Through a combination of masochism, sadism, and indifference, all human relationships fail.

 - paraphrasing of JPS

 

Thank you for  calling Hell.  Unfortunately  there's  no one here to take your call, so please leave a message after the tone.  Alternatively, for reservations and party bookings, please dial the following number. Thank you. 

 

These things are not the beliefs of madmen but the beliefs of sane men and women trying

desperately, not to preserve the status

quo, but just to find the fucking thing.

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night, thinking that we're dead.  That all this is just Death's last joke.

That we're living one last dream before the lights go out.  And then I think, so what's new?

-Death, The Time of your life - Neil Gaiman

 

To Absent Friends, Past Loves, old Gods, and the season of Mists. 

 - Neil Gaiman

 

"Sweet is Death, who comes like a lover."

 

"There's something wrong with the world. I'm becoming a hazy memory."

 

"Think about it. Every time god wanted to destroy a city, or punish a person, or show his wrath, he sent down an Angel. Now tell me, would you really want to meet one?"

 

"The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.  They can be divided into 3 groups: poisonons, odd, and sheep." - Douglas Adams

 

"Guy Fawkes is the only person in history to have entered parliment wit honorable intentions."

 

"What? Somebody has said Bill isn't God? Oh dear.  Mr. Bill won't be happy and it'll be another reign of Microsoft

Plauge (TM) folloned by Microsoft Flood (TM), without the use of Microsoft Ark (TM) this time."

 

"The definition of torture is to be seperated from your loved one." -Inez.

 

"One always dies too soon--or too late.  And yet, one's whole life is complete at that moment ... You are your life, and nothing else."

 - Jean Paul Satre.

"We jumped out of a building."

"Yes, it was very exciting. Tommorow we go to he zoo."

 - The Long Kiss Goodnight

 

"Continue dying."

 - The Long Kiss Goodnight

 

"Don't worry, I got out of Beruit. I think I can get out of New Jersey." 
"Don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population in fact."
- The Long Kiss Goodnight 

"Don't worry, I got out of Beruit.  I think I can get out of New Jersey."  

"Don't be so sure.  Others have tried and failed.  The entire population in fact."

 - the Long Kiss Goodnight 

 

"Put your trust in the lord.  Your ass belongs to me."  - Warden Norten

 

"Your twenty-one now, legally able to drink, so we figuered the best thing for you was a car." - Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting

"This is the ugliest car I've ever seen.  Thanks guys." - Matt Damon's response

 

"'Exited the emnity of.'  That's a good phrase.  Round.  I intend to remember it and use it at every opportunity." - Cuthbert Allgood, Wizard And Glass

 

"What you think is the heart may well be another organ." - Jeanette Winterson

 

"The only way you can make a happy marrige is by cutting off their heads as soon as they say 'I do'." - Granny Weatherwax

 

"Forty thousand people die every day.  Why can't you be one of them?" - U-Turn

 

"My former wife is now living with a woman of the same sex." - Caller, radio

 

"I think you may have hit the nail on the head, or at least bent it slightly." - Dan Quigly

 

"Now it doesn't take long to explain all about the Web,and the average person can grab all the essentials and gain a good working knowledge in less than a lifespan." - Robert Rankin

 

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate." - Buffy

 

"You mean you can look at other things without thinking of chocolate?" - Carol Hague

 

"You can't run away forever, but there's nothing wrong with a good head start." - Jim Steinman

 

"Moderation in all things" - Aristotle

"Including moderation." - yr humble srppint

 

"If nature had been comfortable, mankind would never have invented architecture." - Oscar Wilde

 

"Every day you learn something you wish you didn't know."

 

"Porn gives you about as realistic a view of sex as Batman gives you a realistic view of law enforcement." - The flying hamster

 

"Given a little bit of thrust, most hedgehogs fly just fine.  Landing however...  "

 

"There's always a little dirt, or infinity, or something." - Richard Feynman

 

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things, because WOW, I could afford much better childish things!" - Terry Pratchett

 

"When all is said and done, there is alot more said than done."

 

"A witty statement proves nothing." - Voltaire

 

"Promise me you won't go out driving without some sort of alcoholic beverage." - Futureama

 

"Unlimited technology from all over the universe and we drive around in a Ford P.O.S." - J, M.I.B.

 

"We live in a rainbow of chaos." - Paul Cezanne

 

"The organiser said to me 'It`ll be lovely, because it`s full

of sad girls who want to sleep with Captain Kirk, and if he`s

not there, you might do.'

 - PTerry, on attending a Star Trek convention (Sunday Times, again...)

 

"People who have tried it, tell me that a clear conscience makes you very

happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business quite as well,

and is cheaper, and more easily obtained."         

  - J. K. Jerome

     

"Life is just a beta version of death."  

 

"A cap of good acid costs 5$ and for that you can hear the universal symphony w/ God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums."

 - Hunter S. Thompson

"You never expected justice from a company did you? They have neither a soul to lose, nor a body to kick." 

"You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people

they don't need."

 


Terry Prattchet Quotes

 

A true beanie should have a propellor on the top.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I'm me.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I think that sick people in Ankh-Morpork generally go to a vet. It's generally a better bet. There's more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say "it was god's will" when granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I have to admit that I drive past Bridgwater quite regularly. And fast.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

What you have here is an example of that well known phenomenon, A Bookshop Assistance Who Knows Buggerall But Won't Admit It (probably some kind of arts graduate).

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Never trust any complicated cocktail that remainds perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

In Reading [England] there is this thing called the IDR, short for "Inner Distribution Road", which is bureaucratese for "Big thing that cost a lot of money and relieves traffic problems, provided all your traffic wants to orbit the town centre permanently". It's a 2-3 lane dual carriageway that goes round the town centre. It has lots of roundabouts, an overhead section, a couple of spare motorway-like exits (that's British motorways -- y'know, the roundabout with the main road going under it), and a thing called the Watlington Street Gyratory, where you have to get in lane for your intended destination about three years and two corners before you get there with no signposting. I used to cycle along it every day to get to school, before I fell off at 35 mph. [Kids! Don't try this at home!] I know it well. I believe it is impossible to leave Reading heading west.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"

  (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

"Out of Print" is bookseller speak for "We can't be hedgehogged".

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

AFPer: We've missed you, did you miss us? TP: Yes, but I think I have time to reload. :-)

- Terry returns to a.f.p. after a temporary absence. (Terry Pratchett and an AFPer, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I was thinking of 'duh?' in the sense of 'a sentence containing several words more than three letters long, and possibly requiring general knowledge or a sense of history that extends past last Tuesday, has been used in my presense.'

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Oh, come on. Revelation was a mushroom dream that belonged in the Apocrypha. The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

'Educational' refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I once absend-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Well, they asked me in February, and I said it was coming out in November. When they asked in March, I said it was coming out in November. In April I pointed out that November, in fact, was going to be when the next book came out. In May, when asked on many occasions about when Maskerade was coming out, I said November. In November, it will be published. The same November all the way through, too.

 - So Terry, when is 'Maskerade' coming out, then? (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Bognor has always meant to me the quintessential English seaside experience (before all this global warming stuff): driving in the rain to get there, walking around in the rain looking for something to do when you're there, and driving home in the rain again...

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, travelling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abcesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say 'yes'.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I must confess the the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occured to him.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I'm referred to, I see, as 'the biggest banker in modern publishing'. Now there's a line that needed the celebrated Guardian proof-reading.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I save about twenty drafts -- that's ten meg of disc space -- and the last one contains all the final alterations. Once it has been printed out and received by the publishers, there's a cry here of 'Tough shit, literary researchers of the future, try getting a proper job!' and the rest are wiped.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I always thought Detritus would be good at: "I bet you're wondrin' how many time I fired dis crossbow--"

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I reckon that Stonehege was build by the contemporary equivalent of Microsoft, whereas Avebury was definitely an Apple circle.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

 - Terry defending his solution to the Monty Hall problem. (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Currently there's five machines permanently networked here. They all contain the serious core stuff. A couple of the machines are pensioned off 486s, with little other value now. Plus there's two Jaz drives in the building and the portable also carries a fair amount of stuff. Plus every Friday a man comes around and carves all the new stuff onto stone slabs and buries them in the garden... I think I'm okay.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don't know how to do it, and wouldn't be any good at it if I did, so I'm going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course...

 - Terry learns Naomi Campbell has written a book. (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

She wanted a HOLIDAY in Australia, she said, and if I turned it into work she'd hit me -- so I gave in, because I did not want to be beaten about the Bush.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

If I heeded all the advice I've had over the years, I've have written 18 books about Rincewind.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

AFPer: Can anyone PLEASE tell me the "rules" and "regulations" of headology?? It just seems to me that it's an area which is not properly defined, that's all. TP: Ah. It appears you have discovered Rule 1.

 - (Terry Pratchett and an AFPer, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb -- they're often students, for heaven's sake.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES?

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

The net software here did its meltdown trick again at the weekend (it happens about once every six months -- if only everything was as reliable as WordPerfect 4.2, which only chews up a novel about once every two or three years...)

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I'd like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their burger -- chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce... It is common knowledge in my family that I can't tell the difference between a veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so high.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

'They can ta'k our live but they can never ta'k our freedom!' Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker...

 - Braveheart (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Mort isn't fashionable UK movie material -- there's no parts in it for Hugh or Emma, it's not set it Sheffield, and no one shoves drugs up their bum...

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Too many people want to have written.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

DW is based on a slew of old myths, which reach their most 'refined' form in Hindu mythology, which in turn of course derived from the original Star Trek episode 'Planet of Wobbly Rocks where the Security Guard Got Shot'.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

What your soldier wants-- really, really wants -- is no-one shooting back at him.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Up until now I'd always though RSI meant 'I hate my damn job'.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

You know what I'd really, really like? What I'd pay MONEY for? A ZX81 with a disc drive. I understood the ZX81. It was so easy to interface stuff to it.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Not only did I wipe Lemmings from my hard disc, I overwrote it so's I couldn't get it back.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

To get the walkthrough, you have to take the sponge from Nanny Ogg's pantry and stick it in the ear of the troll with the tutu, then take the lumps and put them in the pouch with the zombie's razor.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

You can't remember the plot of the Dr Who movie because it didn't have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Dream on. British TV Is The Best In The World is on a par with the statement about how British Justice Is The Envy Of The World ("Hey, Miguel, how come we can't convict innocent people so quickly and expensively?")

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

You will have to look a long way before you find a bunch of scum-suckers more greedy, humourless and deserving of death than the suits in the music business.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I found while driving in Wyoming that wearing a stetson and driving a beat-up pickup meant you could go as fast as you like, while the police picked up Californian winnebagos that went one mph over 55. After all, they wanted to bring money into the state, not merely circulate it.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

AFPer: Incidentally, do you have strong opinions about the meanings of "alternate" and "alternative"? TP: Yes. I think that pedants should be alternately ignored and flamed, unless there is a better alternative.

 - (Terry Pratchett and an AFPer, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

And before anyone complains about the grammar, I'm so jetlagged that my hands aren't even in the same time zone...

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I always call it 'Tour Flu', because two or three weeks in hot bookshops with hundreds of people usually produces an ailment of some kind. Going on tour is like a box of rare diseases -- you never know what you're going to get.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Let's see, now... in HOGFATHER there are a number of stabbings, someone's killed by a man made of knives, someone's killed by the dark, and someone just been killed by a wardrobe. It's a book about the magic of childhood. You can tell.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

If it wasn't for the fun and money, I really don't know why I'd bother.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

One of the highlights of the first Good Omens tour was Neil and I walking through New York singing Shoehorn with Teeth. Well, we'd had a good breakfast. And you don't get mugged, either.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Botswana is also the only country in the world with a colour in its flag meant to represent rain (a sort of blue-grey). Not many people know this.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

1) I have never waved a hankie in anger 2) I do not peronally know any Morris dancers 3) But Morris dancing is kind of funny and weird at the same time.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Any town built by filling a mud hole with sawdust and proudly having a slug as a sort of civic totem is a town, one feels, where Rincewind would feel right at home.

 - Terry looks forward to his visit to Seattle, USA. (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Somehow, trying to get Granny Weatherwax and 'panty raid' into the same sentence is beyond me.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll cheerleaers would be nice: 'Two... four.... er.. many... lots'.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Experience has taught me that you feel better on a flight if you avoid chicken fat in plastic sauce.

 - The joys of travelling the world by plane (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I stroll along, talk, I sign books, people buy me drinks, I forget where my hotel is, I get lost and fall into some local body of water... done it hundreds of times.

 - Going to a convention is fun! (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I've always thought the Patrician is a party animal. Can you imagine waking up next day and remembering all those witty things you said and did, and then realising that he was listening?

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

It's an old magical principle -- it's even filtered down into RPG systems -- that magic, while taking a lot of effort, can be 'stored' -- in a staff, for example. No doubt a wizard spends a little time each day charging up his staff, although you go blind if you do it too much, of course.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Take One ticket to New Orleans Take One cab to Bourbon Street Take steps to the counter of the all night frozen dacquiri shop. Take One Large Cupful.

 - Terry's recipe for the Ultimate Banana Dacquiri (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

AFPer: Terry, what the heck was going on at the end of Strata? I've just re-read the ending again and come up with another possible explanation which takes the total number into double figures. TP: See? Other people would just have given you one or two. Amazing value, I think.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

3) I don't sign parts of the body, even if they're still attached.

 - From Terry's Rules of Book Signing (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coathanger, it's American editors.

 - Setting the record straight (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I don't think I've ever been critical of the money Douglas Adams makes, especially since, as has been tactfully pointed out, I myself have had to change banks having filled the first one up.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

Oh dear, I'm feeling political today. It's just that it's dawned on me that 'zero tolerance' only seems to mean putting extra police in poor, run-down areas, and not in the Stock Exchange.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

I'm getting a lot of mail and email about FoC (I particularly liked the postcard which read 'We were sure it was the wallpaper, you bastard!!!!!'). I'm glad to say that most Baconians hared off after poissons rouge.

 - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

 

From The Discworld books

 

And there were all the stars, looking remarkably like powered diamonds spilled on black velvet, the stars that lured and ultimately called the boldest towards them...

 

History has a habit of changing the people who think they are changing it.

 

He felt as if he'd been shipwrecked on the Titanic but in the nick of time had been rescued. By the Lusitania. 

 

She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so they don't apply to you. 

 

there were far worse things than Evil. All the demons in Hell would torture your very soul, but that was precisely because they valued souls very highly; Evil would always try to steal the universe, but at least it considered the universe worth stealing. But the grey world behind those empty eyes would trample and destroy without even according its victims the dignity of hatred. It wouldn't even notice them.

 

'It's vital to remember who you really are. It's very important. It isn't a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.'

 

'The gods,' he said. 'Imprisoned in a thought. And perhaps they were never more than a dream.'

 

NOTHING IS FINAL. NOTHING IS ABSOLUTE. EXCEPT ME, OF COURSE. SUCH TINKERING WITH DESTINY COULD MEAN THE DOWNFALL OF THE WORLD. THERE MUST BE A CHANCE, HOWEVER SMALL. THE LAWYERS OF FATE DEMAND A LOOPHOLE IN EVERY PROPHECY.

 

Science is a way of talking about the world in terms that bind it to a common reality.  Magic is a way of talking to the world in terms it cannot ignore.  The two are rarely compatible.  Gaiman's "Books of Magic"

 

You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless, and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape - the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes - we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.

 

Human nature, the Patrician always said, was a marvellous thing. Once you understood where its levers were.

 

Of course, there were various groups seeking his overthrow, and this was right and proper and the sign of a vigorous and healthy society. No-one could call him unreasonable about the matter. Why, hadn't he founded most of them himself? And what was so beautiful was the way they spent nearly all their time bickering with one another.

Quotes 5

 

What was it they said about gods? They wouldn't exist if there weren't people to believe in them? And that applied to everything. Reality was what went on inside people's heads.

 

'Why is it all Mr Dibbler's films are set against the background of a world gone mad?' said the dwarf.

Soll's eyes narrowed. 'Because Mr Dibbler,' he growled, 'is a very observant man.'

 

LORD, WE KNOW THERE IS NO GOOD ORDER EXCEPT THAT WHICH WE CREATE...

THERE IS NO HOPE BUT US. THERE IS NO MERCY BUT US. THERE IS NO JUSTICE. THERE IS JUST US.

ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION.

AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END ONE DAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.

LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?

(Death to AZRAEL, Reaper Man)

 

Belief is one of the most powerful organic forces in the multiverse. It may not be able to move mountains, exactly. But it can create someone who can.

 

The wages of sin is death, but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays.

 

'I think, if you want thousands, you've got to fight for one.'

 

'Just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not still a miracle.'

 

'Winners never talk about glorious victories. That's because they're the ones who see what the battlefield looks like afterwards. It's only the losers who have glorious victories.'

 

'Yes, but humans are more important than animals,' said Brutha.

'This is a point of view often expressed by humans,' said Om.

 

When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror.

 

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think

 

Humans are always slightly lost. It's a basic characteristic. It explains a lot about them.

 

'But look,' said Ponder, 'the graveyards are full of people who rushed in bravely but unwisely.'

'Ook.'

'What did he say?' said the Bursar.

'I think he said, "Sooner or later the graveyards are full of everybody".'

 

The universe doesn't much care if you tread on a butterfly. There are plenty more butterflies. Gods might note the fall of a sparrow but they don't make any effort to catch them.

 

Personal isn't the same as important. What sort of person could think like that? And it dawned on him that while Ankh in the past had had its share of evil rulers, and simply bad rulers, it had never yet come under the heel of a good ruler. That might be the most terrifying prospect of all.

 

'He's mad, isn't he?'

'No, mad's when you froth at the mouth,' said Gaspode. ' He's insane. That's when you froth at the brain.'

 

Never age. Never die. Live for ever in that one last white-hot moment, when the crowd screamed. When every note was a heartbeat. Burn across the sky.  You will never grow old. They will never say you died.

 

Sometimes the only thing you could do for people was to be there.

 

TO CHANGE THE FATE OF ONE INDIVIDUAL IS TO CHANGE THE WORLD. I REMEMBER THAT. SO SHOULD YOU.

Death still hadn't turned to face her.

'I don't see why we shouldn't change things if it makes the world better,' said Susan.

HAH.

'Are you too scared to change the world?'

Death turned. The very sight of his expression made Susan back away.  He advanced slowly towards her. His voice, when it came, was a hiss.

YOU SAY THAT TO ME? YOU STAND THERE IN YOUR PRETTY DRESS AND SAY THAT TO ME? YOU? YOU PRATTLE ON ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD? COULD YOU FIND THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT IT? TO KNOW WHAT MUST BE DONE AND DO IT, WHATEVER THE COST? IS THERE ONE HUMAN BEING ANYWHERE WHO KNOWS WHAT DUTY MEANS?

 

Perfectly ordinary books, printed on commonplace paper in mundane ink. It would be a mistake to think that they weren't also dangerous, just because reading them didn't make fireworks go off in the sky. Reading them sometimes did the more

Quotes 6

dangerous trick of making fireworks go off in the privacy of the reader's brain.

 

Be careful what you wish for. You never know who will be listening.

Or what, for that matter.

 

According to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle, chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

 

It was where the city kept all those things it occasionally needed but was uneasy about, like the Watch-house, the theatres, the prison and the publishers. It was the place for all those things which might go off bang in unexpected ways.

 

Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate...

 

'They think they want good government and justice for all, Vimes, yet what is it they really crave, deep in their hearts? Only that things go on as normal and tomorrow is pretty much like today.'

(Lord Vetinari)

 

You couldn't say, 'I had orders.' You couldn't say, 'It's not fair.' No one was listening. There were no Words. You owned yourself.

...

Not Thou Shalt Not. Say I Will Not.

 

' I really should talk to him, sir. He's had a near-death experience!'

'We all do. It's called living.'

 

The omnipotent eyesight of various supernatural entities is often remarked upon. It is said that they can see the fall of every sparrow.

And this may be true. But there is only one who is always there when it hits the ground.

 

The night is always old. He'd walked too often down dark streets in the secret hours and felt the night stretching away, and known in his blood that while days and kings and empires come and go, the night is always the same age, always aeons deep. Terrors unfolded in the velvet shadows and while the nature of the talons may change, the nature of the beast does not.

 

'It is always useful to face an enemy who is prepared to die for his country,' he read. 'This means that both you and he have exactly the same aim in mind.'

 

'Can't argue with the truth, sir.'

'In my experience, Vimes, you can argue with anything.'

 

'Why are our people going out there?' said Mr Boggis of the Thieves' Guild.  'Because they are showing a brisk pioneering spirit and seeking wealth and... additional wealth in a new land,' said Lord Vetinari.  'What's in it for the Klatchians?' said Lord Downey.  'Oh, they've gone out there because they are a bunch of unprincipled opportunists always ready to grab something for nothing,' said Lord Vetinari. [...] The Patrician looked down again at his notes. 'Oh, I do beg your pardon,' he said. 'I seem to have read those last two sentences in the wrong order.

 

She'd always tried to face towards the light. She'd always tried to face towards the light. But the harder you stared into the brightness the harsher it burned into you until, at last, the temptation picked you up and bid you turn around to see how long, rich, strong and dark, streaming away behind you, your shadow had become…

 

The ability to ask question like 'Where am I and who is the "I" that is asking?' is one of the things that distinguishes mankind from, say, cuttlefish.

 

One of the most basic rules of survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather.

 

When treading water in a circle of sharks, a wizard will always consider other wizards to be the most immediate danger.

 

Once upon a time the plural of 'wizard' was 'war'.

 

'Begone From This Place Or I Will Smite Thee!' he [the god] commanded.

'Why?'

 

There are many reasons for being friends with someone. The fact that he's pointing a deadly weapon at you is among the top four.

 

'When you've been a wizard as long as I have, my boy, you'll learn that as soon as you find anything that offers amazing possibilities for the improvement of the human condition, it's best to put the lid back on and pretend it never happened.'

 

Death was familiar with the concept of the eternal, ever-renewed hero, the champion with a thousand faces. He'd refrained from commenting.

 

All tribal myths are true, for a given value of 'true'. 

 

Supposing there was justice for all, after all? For every unheeded beggar, every harsh word, every neglected duty, every slight... every choice... Because that was the point, wasn't it? You had to choose. You might be right, you might be wrong, but you had to choose, knowing that the rightness or wrongness might never be clear or even that you were deciding between two sorts of wrong, that there was no right anywhere. And always, always, you did it by yourself. You were the one there, on the edge, watching and listening. Never any tears, never any apology, never any regrets... You saved all that up in a way that could be used when needed.

 

"A thousand years ago we thought the world was a bowl. Five hundred years ago we knew it was a globe. Today we know it is flat and round carried through space on the back of a turtle. Don't you wonder what shape it will turn out to be tomorrow?"


Dorothy Parker Quotes

 

By whom?

- Dorothy Parker, when told she was outspoken

 

Every year, back come Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.

- Dorothy Parker

 

It costs me never a stab nor squirm

To tread by chance upon a worm.

'Aha, my little dear,' I say,

‘Your clan will pay me back one day.'

- Dorothy Parker

 

His voice was a intimate as the rustle of sheets.

- Dorothy Parker

 

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

- Dorothy Parker

 

I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

- Dorothy Parker

 

This is on me.

- Dorothy Parker, suggested for her tombstone

 

Dear Mary: We all knew you had it in you.

- Dorothy Parker, telegram to friend who had given birth

 

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

- Dorothy Parker, book review

 

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant --- and let the air out of their tires.

- Dorothy Parker

 

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ``check enclosed.''

- Dorothy Parker

 

One more drink and I'll be under the host.

- Dorothy Parker

 

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

- Dorothy Parker

 


Famous Last Words

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.  
- John Barrymore

Die, my dear Doctor, that's the last thing I shall do!  
- Lord Palmerston

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.  
- Pancho Villa

Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored.  
- George Saunders

 


12 quotes on the nature of the universe

Programming today is a race between software engineers trying to build bigger and better idiot proof programs, and the universe trying to produce a bigger and better idiot. So far, the universe is winning. 
- Rich Cook

Duct tape is like the force. it has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together... 
- Carl Zwanzig

There is a theory which states that if anybody ever discovers what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams

Only two things are infinite, the universe, and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

In answer to the question of why it happened, I say that the universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time. - Edward P. Tryon

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it . 
- Max Frisch

I am astounded by people who want to "know" the universe, when it's hard enough to  find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen

In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams

There is a coherent plan in the universe, although I don't know what its a plan for.
- Fred Hoyle

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
- Christopher Morley

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing.  It's not holding a charge.
- Edward Chilton

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)


Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:

 

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow

isn't looking good either.

 

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as

they go flying by.

 

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

 

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

 

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a

suitable application of high explosives.

 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

 

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the

statue.

 

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and

taste good with ketchup.

 

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


Quotes Of Personal Significance:

 

Anyone Without a Sense Of Humor is at the Mercy of the Rest of Us!"

-Vincent Sabio

 

The laws of physics do not apply to me!

-Will was really on somthing that night!

 

Revenge is black pudding.

-Paul Bomber All Quiet on the Western Front

 

There are too many orgies on this window sill

-Jan (Don't ask!!)

 

The answer is always very near the dirty laundry.

-Kevin Cunningham

 

My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

 

So long and thanx for all the fish!

 

The answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe and Everything

is  42 

 -but what's the question?

 

Having given up my search for the truth as hopeless,

I am now looking for a few good fantasies...

 

Funnny was here!

 

"I don't know...she put on her shirt  and left." - Penguin shit eating ass spelunker

 

"Servatious's logic defies logic." - Brendan

 

"I'm drippng all over the deka tray." - Betsy

 

"Stop touchng me, I might start liking it." - High school students...

 

"This sucks, were in building... That was built by people... ..." - Tony

 

"Dude, there are different flavours.  Youre like the Baskin Robins of fucked-upedness.  " – Fiveball

 

"I want the committee of all men." - Bridgette Servatious

 

"I need to get out of here, it's starting to make sense." - Brendan

 

"For this course we will not be using any logic" - Janet Burge

 

"To program this, you shouldn't think" - Bridgette Servatious

 

"Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts" - Becki and Erin's door

 

“This implementation would require the programmer to understand what’s going on, and we don’t want that.” – Janet Burge

 

"The but is not an if then.  We just want the but." - Prof. Servatious

 

"Let me eat cake" - Carl

 

"I'm looking to upgrade from my vinyl coat." - Hurst

 

"Let's go to best buy first.  We can save the porn for dinner. - Hurst

 

"Or i could just retain my death grip on your pants." - Vickie

 


Did They Really Say That?

 

News

    See what happens when they don't have a script:

  

   Jon Snow:  "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"

   Expert: "Er, yes."  (Channel 4 News)

  

   "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no

   different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

  

   "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a

   goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)

  

   "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

   (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

  

   "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the

   field."

   (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

  

   Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off

   at the altar on my wedding day."

   Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"

   (Talk Radio)

  

   Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"

   15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

   (BBC Radio 4)

  

   Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the

   woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"

   Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd

   get a sort of half-mammoth.

   Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"

   Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)

  

   Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"

   Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."

  

   Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after

   that!" 

   Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw

   that." (BBC)

  

   "Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but

   if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting

   cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

   (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

 

Sports

 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

-Jason Kidd

 

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"

-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

 

"It's almost like we have ESPN."

-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

 

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during

his visit to Greece.

 

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to

be an uncle or an aunt."

-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,

explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at

practice, 1982.

 

"Tom."

-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when

asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.

 

"I'll always be Number 1 to myself."

-Moses Malone

 

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

 

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want

all the kids to copulate me.

---Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

 

"I lost it in the sun!"

-Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder.

 

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

-Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

 

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word

and one word only: Super Bowl."

-Bill Peterson, football coach

 

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

-Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,

John Jenkins, 1991

 

"I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it."

-Football coach Ray Malavasi

 

"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."

-Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw

 

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

-Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss

what he thought of the refs, 1986

 

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy

like Norman Einstein."

-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

 

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

-New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers

 

 


Tech Support

 

    ACTUAL DIALOG OF A FIRED WORD PERFECT CUSTOMER SUPPORT EMPLOYEE:  

   

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

   

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

   

    "What sort of trouble?"

   

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

     away."

   

     "Went away?"

   

    "They disappeared."

   

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

   

    "Nothing."

   

    "Nothing?"

   

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

   

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

   

    "How do I tell?"

   

    "Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"

   

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

   

     "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

   

     "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I

    type."

    

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

   

    "What's a monitor?"

   

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have

    a little light that tells you when it's on?"

   

    "I don't know."

   

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

     cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

   

    "......Yes, I think so."

   

     "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

     the wall."

   

    "......Yes, it is."

   

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

    cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

   

     "No."

   

     "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other

     cable."

   

    ......"Okay, here it is."

   

     "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of

     your computer."

   

     "I can't reach."

   

     "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

   

     "No."

   

     "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

   

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's

     dark."

   

    "Dark?"

   

     "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

     from the window."

   

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

 

    "I can't."

   

    "No? Why not?"

   

    "Because there's a power outage."

   

     "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you

    still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer

    came in?"

   

    "Well ...  yes, I keep them in the closet."

   

    "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like

    it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it

    from."

   

     "Really? Is it that bad?"

   

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

   

     "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

   

     "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 


Excuses For Skipping Work:

 

Why I’m not at work

 

1. Recently, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an

hour and the other half back an hour, but I can never

remember which is which - accordingly, I will be in late

or early.

 

2. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to

work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

 

3. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at K-Mart

 

4. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He

even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things

when I am startled.

 

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking

my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for

work. Okay?


Excuses For Sleeping At Your Desk:

 

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

 

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

 

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

 

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about

in the last time management course you sent me to."

 

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

 

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

 

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission

statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

 

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective

people!"

 

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

 

9. "I'm in the management training program."

 

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise

Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you

made me attend."

 

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I

dreamed about work!"

 

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve

work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people

who practice Yoga?"

 

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

 

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

 

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't

wear off!"

 

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

 

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch

the Walton's."

 

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of

the workaholic!"

 

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact

lenses without using my hands."

 

20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."

 


How Gates Does It:

 

In case you have ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level,

 here is a simple mathematical proof:

  

A definition of power is the amount of work done, divided by the time

taken to do it, or:

  

Power = Work / Time

  

Now, we all know that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money, so

substituting into the above equation, we get:

  

Knowledge = Work / Money, or, rearranging:

  

Money = Work / Knowledge

  

Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless

of the work done!

  

 So that's how Bill Gates does it!

 


Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

 

1. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

 

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard

to pronounce.

 

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate

yourself in public.

 

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn

to worship me.

 

6. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.

 

7. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

 

8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word

you're saying.

 

9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

 

10. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

 

12. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had

about you.

 

13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your

unique point of view.

 

14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that

you're an artist.

 

15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely

coincidental.

 

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 


Job Descriptions

 

A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

 

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun

is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

 

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the

things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

 

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks

the personality to be an accountant.

 

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,

because that decreases the chances that there will be

another bomb on the plane.

 

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know

you had in a way you don't understand.

 

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a

black cat that isn't there.

 

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and

calls it a "brief."

 

A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a

beautiful girl enters the room.

 

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

 

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 


 Golf

   Q:  What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

   A:  Bad golfer:    Whack!     "DAMN!"

       Bad skydiver:  "DAMN!"     Whack!

 

   Q:  Why do they call golf  "golf?"

   A:  Because "fuck" was already taken!

 


Deep Thoughts:

 

Watchdog: a canine kept to guard a home – usually by

sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household

by falling over him.

 

Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.

 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

 

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help

section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose

 

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

 

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?

 

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no

woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it

considered a hostage situation?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice" ?

 

When you open a bag of cotton balls...are you supposed to remove the one

on top?

 

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

 

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered

plant?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

 

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?   Are they worried someone will

clean them?

 

Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

 

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

 

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

 

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 


Consultants

 

Q: Why do consulting companies prohibit sex between consultants and

 their clients?

 A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same

 service.

 

 Q: Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?

 A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,

 they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything

 forever.

 

 Q: What do consultants and sperm have in common?

 A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

 Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their

 latest stamps?

 A: They had pictures of consultants on them, and people

 couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

 Q: If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never

 swerve to hit him?

 A: It might be your bicycle.

 

 Q: How many McKinsey consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

 A: It depends how many you can afford

 

 A man walked into a consultant's office and inquired about

 the rates for a study....

 "Well, we usually structure the project up front, and charge

 $5,000 for three questions", replied the consultant.

 "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

 "Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"

 

 A contractor dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and

 finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

 Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

 "Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor.

 "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the

 fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

 "But that's not true," says the consultant. "I only lived to be forty."

 "That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets." 

 


Bad Jokes


Bad Jokes:

 

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

    He sold his soul to Santa

 

    Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car

    crash?  He's all right now.

 

    How do crazy people go through the forest?

    They take the psycho path.

 

    How do you get holy water?

    Boil the hell out of it.

 

    How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

    She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

 

    What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

    "Dam".

 

    What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

    Polaroids.

 

    What do prisoners use to call each other?

    Cell phones.

 

    What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

    National Dyslexics Association.

 

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

    A stick.

 

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    Nacho Cheese.

 

    What do you call Santa's helpers?

    Subordinate Clauses.

 

    What do you get from a pampered cow?

    Spoiled milk.

 

    What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

    Frosbite.

 

    What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

    A pachydermatologist

 

    What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a

    tree would kill you?  A pool table.

 

    What is a zebra?

    25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

 

    What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

    and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

 

    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

    A nervous wreck.

 

    What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

    Anyone can roast beef.

 

    Where do you find a no legged dog?

    Right where you left him.

 

    Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

    They all have phones.

 

    Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

    They're trying to get away from the noise.


 Sven, Ole, and Unemployment:

 

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off,

so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his

occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew da elastic

onto da cotton panties."

 

The clerk looked up "panty stitcher." Finding it classified

as unskilled labor, she put him down for $300 a week

unemployment pay.

 

Sven was then asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he

replied. Since "diesel fitter" was listed as a skilled job,

the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

 

When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back

into the unemployment office to find out why his friend

and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

 

The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled

and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

 

"Skill? Vat skill?" demanded Ole. "I sew on da elastic,

den Sven pulls on it and says, ‘Yep, diesel fitter.'"

 


Ties in The Desert:

 

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.

 

Realizing his only chance for survival was to find

 

civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became

thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint.

 

Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when

he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.

 

Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out,

"Water..."

 

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied

sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.

However, would you like to buy a tie?"

 

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken

neckwear.

 

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

 

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,

there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you

can get some."

 

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to

drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With

his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent

and collapsed.

 

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the

door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

 

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

 

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't

come in here without a tie!"


Very Punny: 

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in

the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak

and heat it, too.

 

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and

became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and

never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the

lesser of two weevils.

 

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to

the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

4. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 

5. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One

says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"  "Yeah, I'm positive!"

 

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain

during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an

hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't

stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut

daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would

always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the

end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he

was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a

daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in

at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a

hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm  sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a

hickory daiquiri, doc."

 

9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to

eat. He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a

book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in

ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

11. A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating

recurring dreams.  First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a  tepee;

then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple.  You're two tents."

 

12. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them  goes

to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in

Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself

to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she

wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husbandresponds, "But they are

twins-if you've seen Juan,

you've seen Amal."

 


Three On Insurance

Three insurance salesmen having lunch together started

boasting about their companies' service records.

 

The first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly

on a Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to

process the claim for the wife and get a check in the mail

by close of business on Wednesday."

 

The second one said, "Well, when one of our insureds died

without warning on a Monday, we learned of it in two hours,

and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

 

"That's nothing," said the third salesman.

 

"Our office is in the World Trade Center, Tower 1. One

Monday morning, one of our insureds was washing an

outside window on the 85th floor when he slipped and fell.

 

"And you know what? We handed him his check as he

passed our floor."

 


 

Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for

fifty-thousand and I want my money."

 

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance

doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of

what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable

worth."

 

There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to

cancel the policy on my husband."

     


 

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars,

insured them against...get this...fire.

 

After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim

against the insurance company and filed. The insurance

company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the

man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge,

stated that since the company had insured the cigars against

fire, they were obligated to pay.

 

After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company

then had him arrested for...arson.

 


The Bible

 

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else

was liquidating.

 

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down

to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

 

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A. Ruth-less.

 

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Honda; because the apostles were all in one Accord. (Acts 2:1)

 

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson; he brought down the house.

 

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the

Garden of Eden?

A. They were really put out.

 

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did

after they were kicked out of their garden?

A. They raised Cain.

 

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why

he no longer lived in Eden?

A. He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.

 

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

 

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?

A. Turn right and go straight.

 

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most notable

lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses, because he broke all Ten Commandments at once.

 

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around the Jordan; there, the banks were

always overflowing.

 

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

 

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?

A: Joshua, son of Nun.

 

Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?

A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

 


Scary Pilot

 

The pilot – the very experienced pilot – took his

friend up to show off his new twin-engine plane.

 

Without warning, the air became turbulent, and

lightning began to split the air.

 

Suddenly, the radio crackled and died, and most of

the instruments stopped functioning.

 

Just about then, the passenger heard the pilot say,

under his breath, "Oh, NO!"

 

"What is it? What is it?" demanded the nervous rider.

 

"Oh, darn it, I've got the hiccups," came the reply.

"Do something to scare me, will you?"

 


School Nervousness

 

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake

up, son. It's time to go to school!"

 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me,

too!"

 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get

ready."

 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're

the Principal!"

 


Dieting

 

Dieting can have unexpected benefits.

 

For instance, have you heard about the fad diet where

you eat only coconuts and bananas?

 

I went on it last year, myself. And even though I gained

weight instead of losing any, I'm glad I did it.

 

I discovered how great the world looks from the treetops!

 


Feet

 

A three-year old was learning to put on his shoes all

by himself.

 

One morning his mother noticed his left shoe was on

his right foot.

 

"Sweetie," she said gently, "your shoes are on the

wrong feet."

 

He looked up at her with a three-year-old grin and said,

"Oh, Mama! You're funny!

 

"But I KNOW these are my feet."

 


Lunch

 

Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper,

discussing their lunch.

 

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I

ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If

I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this

building and kill myself."

 

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey,

turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of

them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill

myself, too!"

 

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut

butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut

butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get

another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys

and jump off this sky scraper."

 

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham

sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.

The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich,

so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the

third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he

jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

 

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the

first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I

wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

 

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he

had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

 

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know

why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"

 


Two On Cloning

The news of the sheep cloning blew the lid off the secrecy surrounding a prior attempt in California.  Seems a group of scientists succeeded in cloning NBA superstar Kareem Abdul-Jabaar.  Concerned about premature exposure of their breakthrough, the scientists hid away the tiny clone in cryogenic storage.

 

Now media types and reporters are scurrying all over southern Cal. searching

for a...did you guess it...iced Kareem clone!

 


 

Some scientists created and raised to early adulthood a human clone that was

normal in every respect except one:  it swore and cursed terribly instead of

speaking.  Finally one scientist trying to teach it to speak reached his

breaking point and became so exasperated he shoved the clone away and the

clone plunged through an open 5th floor window.  There were witnesses and the

police were called.  They arrested him for...Making an Obscene Clone

Fall!

 


Four Elk And A Plane

 

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them

off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just

the same as they did the year before.

 

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed

joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We

bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained,

"Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two

elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

 

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't

allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake

demanded.

 

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off

with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen

minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and

within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

 

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and

wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

 

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about

a mile from where we crashed last year.

 


Mushrooms

 

Two women friends visiting in the country went hiking

one day while their host was at work. They came upon a

large patch of mushrooms which they knew were edible,

so they picked them, filling their backpacks and even

their hats and scarves.

 

Returning home late in the afternoon, they excitedly told

their host that they had a great first course for dinner.

 

He was dubious, and said he wasn't at all sure he would

be joining them in enjoying the mushrooms.

 

However, when dinner was ready, though, he surprised

them by taking a large helping.

 

"So," they wanted to know, "what made you change

your mind about eating our 'shrooms?"

 

"Ah, ladies," he responded with a grin. "Can you

imagine how I'd be able to explain two dead women in

my home?"

 


Supercallifragellisticexpealladoceous...

 

A couple decided to dine in one of those trendy new combo-Asian restaurants.

They choose a bit of this and a bit of that, from soup to tea, and told the

waiter they didn't like peas.  The waiter wrote down everything in abbreviated

form, and handed the cook an order for:

soup or cauliflower, Thai stick, ex-peas, dal, and rosehips.

 

There was a wonderful, straight-A student who unfortunately was suffering

from a terrible case of chapped lips. The school nurse recommended that she

apply aloe to her lips and sent her off to get some at the doctor's office.

When she arrived, the nurse paged the doctor and announced that waiting in

the waiting room was a  ....

Super gal with fragile lips expecting aloe doses

 

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere,

to the point that his feet became quite thick and

hard.  He also was quite a spiritual person.  Even

when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not

eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with

very bad breath.  Therefore, he came to be known

as a (wait for it...)

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

 


Ethinicicties

 

Q: What six words does a white man never want to hear?

A: "Hi, I be yo new neighbor!"

 

Q: Why was the Polish firing squad never successful?

A: They stood in a circle!

 

Q: What is Irish and has an IQ of 144 ?

A: A gross of Irishmen.

 

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish

   Mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 

Q: What's a Mexican car pool?

A: Four beaners pushing an automobile to the unemployment

   office.

 

Q: What's green, blue, yellow, red, purple and orange?

A: An Italian all dressed up!

 


Swearing

A minister was on the golf course one Saturday,

thinking about his sermon between shots.

 

Suddenly he heard a duffer, deep in a sand trap, let

loose a stream of profanity.

 

"Excuse me," said the minister. "But I couldn't help

hearing. And you know, I have often noticed that the

best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language."

 

"Well, of course not," responded the man, still red in the

face. "What would they have to swear about?"

 


Nice Dress

 

When it was time for the children's sermon, one little

girl came up to the front of the sanctuary wearing a

beautiful dress.

 

As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he

leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty

dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

 

The lass replied - almost directly into the pastor's clip-

on mike - "Yes, and I have to keep it nice, because my

mom uses really bad words when she has to iron it."

 

 


Wet Car

 

WIFE:     "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the

carburetor."

 

HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous."

 

WIFE:     "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

 

HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  I'll         

check it out. Where's the car?"

 

WIFE:     "In the pool."

 


Dumb Jock

 

At a large college there was a football player that was

extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was

really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but

he just couldn't catch him.

 

One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart

boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.

 

So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally

given himself away. His answer looked like this:

 

10. me neither

 


Something Unthinkable

 

A couple came home the evening of their anniversary to

find that their teenage daughters had prepared a nice

little celebration for them.

 

There was a note on the kitchen door directing them to

look in the refrigerator. There, in all its caloric glory,

was a pristine cheesecake, flanked by a bottle of champagne.

 

On the box was yet another note, which read, "Dear

Mom and Dad, We hope you like this little anniversary

surprise. We're out seeing a long movie at the mall, so

go ahead – break loose and do something we wouldn't

think of doing!" And it was signed with a smiley face.

 

The man and woman read the note and smiled at each

other for a long minute.

 

Then he said to her, "Well, I suppose. . . we could

vacuum."

 


Business Deductions 

 

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you

can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For

example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a

business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your

house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief

Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where

else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it

rains?"

 


Who's Kid?

 

A mother was trying to help her little daughter

understand how to use the language.

 

One day, when an acquaintance asked the child her

name, she said, "I'm Mr. White's daughter."

 

Later, the mother told her that that had been wrong,

that she really should have said, "I'm Janie White."

 

The little girl let this sink in; and so it was that

the next Sunday in church, when the minister saw

her and said fondly, "And this is Mr. White's little

girl, I think," she responded, "Well, no, I guess not;

I used to think I was, but my mother says I'm not."

 


Florists

 

     There was a group of friars who were behind on their belfry

     payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the

     funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men in the

     really cute robes, the rival florist across town thought the

     competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down,

     but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.

     They ignored him.  He asked his mother to go and ask the friars

     to get out of business.  They ignored her too.  So, the rival

     florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug

     in town, to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars

     and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close

     shop.  Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and

     only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 


Language Barrier

 

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby

came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a

wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without

hesitation.  On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped

by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired,

"What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The couple said proudly,

"We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to

talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

 


In The Desert

 

A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert and realized

halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was

about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come

to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several

days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be

rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their

predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You

know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've

wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off

your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request

for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was

doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've

never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes,

too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun

exclaimed: "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put

it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget

about me. Stick it in the camel!"

 


The Plus Sign

 

A ten year old boy was failing math.  His parents tried everything from

tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at the insistence of a

family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic

school.

 

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in

after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his

face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly

closed the door.

 

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn

about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to

eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his

room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until

bedtime.

 

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first

quarter report card.

 

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the

dinner table and went straight to his room.  Cautiously, his mother

opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the

subject of MATH.  Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their

son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

 

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his

head and said, "No."

 

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

 

"No."

 

"The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?"

 

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front

door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they

meant business!"

 


New Math

 

 "It was intended as an ice-breaker, letting kids know that we

 know what's going on in the world," Scott Martin told an emergency

 meeting of governors at the Third National High School in Dallas,

 Texas. "We call it 'urban mathematics', using examples from everyday

 life instead of old-fashioned x and y."

 

 Harris and five of his teaching colleagues were suspended for thirty

 days after setting their students a mathematics paper (entitled 'City

 of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam') which included the

 following questions:

 

 "1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of

 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many

 drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

 

 "2. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each

 trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay

 for his $800 per day crack habit?

 

 "3. Hector has knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in

 the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked

 up?

 

 "4. Jerome wants to cut his 168 gm of heroin to make 20% more profit.

 How many gm's of cut will he need?"

 


The Evolution Of Math

 

THE EVOLUTION OF MATH AND

THE CREATION OF OUTSOURCING....

-------------

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His

cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his

profit?

-------------------------

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His

cost of production is  4/5 of the price, or $80. What

is his profit?

--------------------------

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set

"M" of money.  The cardinality of set "M" is 100.

Each element is worth one dollar.   Make 100 dots

representing the elements of the set "M". The set

"C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer

points than set "M."  Represent the set "C" as a

subset of set "M" and answer the following question:

What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

-------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.Her

cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your

assignment: Underline the number

20.

----------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger

makes $20.  What do you think of this way of

making a living? Topic for class participation after

answering the question: How did the forest birds

and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

There are no wrong answers.

-----------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1996:

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company

improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How

much capital gain per share does the CEO make

by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume

capital gains are no longer taxed, because this

encourages investment.

------------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1997:

A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm

saves on benefits, and when demand for its

product is down, the logging work force can easily

be cut back. The average logger employed by the

company earned $50,000, had three weeks

vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical

insurance.  The contracted logger charges $50 an

hour. Was outsourcing  a good

move?

-----------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1998:

A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a

ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage

comes into the logging-company corporate offices

and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and

a couple  of secretaries, and gets lucky when he

nails a politician on the premises collecting his

kickback. Was outsourcing  the loggers a good

move for the company?

---------------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1999:

A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing

away several people is being trained as a COBOL

programmer in order to work on Y2K projects.

What is the probability that the automatic cell doors

will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

 


That's Just Mean


Poor Father Norton

 

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.

At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a

priest, and joined a rather peculiar order.

 

He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, and so on;

but his order also required that he quit golf and never

play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton,

but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

 

Time went by. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father

Norton woke up and, realizing it was an exceptionally

beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just

had to play golf.

 

So. . .he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling

sick, and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father

Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty

miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally

meet anyone he knew from his parish.

 

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all,

it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

 

At about this time, Saint Peter, looking down from

the heavens, leaned over to the Lord and exclaimed,

"But you're not going to let him get away with this,

are you?"

 

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

 

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight

towards the pin, dropped just short of it, rolled up, and

eased into the hole. It was a 420-yard HOLE-IN-ONE!

 

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and

asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

 

The Lord smiled and replied, "Think about it, Pete.

 

"Who's he going to tell?"


Town Gossip

 

Did you hear the latest about our town gossip?

 

(That's the spinster who's also the self-appointed

supervisor of morality as far as she can see.)

 

Well! This is really scandalous!

 

It seems that one day recently she noticed the pickup

truck of a local man parked outside a bar. The next day

she sadly shared with everybody in town that she was

sorry to have to report that he – the owner of the truck –

had become an alcoholic.

 

Of course, news of this rumor got back to the newly

designated "problem drinker." At first, he was horrified.

 

But then he brightened.

 

The next evening, he drove his car over to her house,

where he parked it, and walked away from it.

 

Leaving it sitting right there at the curb outside her

house – all night long.

 


Email

 

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily

this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally,

with serious consequences.  Consider the case of the Illinois man who

left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His

wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next

day.  When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick

e-mail.

 

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail

address, he did his best to type it in from memory.   Unfortunately, he

missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly

preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.  When

the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,

let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

 

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

 

 

DEAREST WIFE:

 

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.  EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

 

P.S.  SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

 


KGB

 

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s

 

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

 

"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"

 

"Yes. What do you want?"

 

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an

enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared valuables in his

firewood pile."

 

"This will be noted."

 

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break

every piece of wood, find nothing of value, swear a little,

and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

 

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Did they chop your firewood?"

 

"They sure did."

 

"Okay, great. And now it's your turn to call. I need my

vegetable patch plowed."

 


Embarrassed?

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman

sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage

he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would

you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I

won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now

staring at them.

 

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed

and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and

apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I

embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in

psychology and I'm studying how people respond to

embarrassing situations."

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you

mean $200?"

 


Hearing Aid

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a

number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was

able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that

allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and

the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must

be really pleased that you can hear again."

 

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I

just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed

my will three times!"

 


Recommendation?

 

Letter of Recommendation -

 

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He is always

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be

sent away as soon as possible.

 

Branch Manager

 

 

A second note following the report:

 

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you

today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,...

for my true assessment of him.

 

Regards,

 

Branch Manager

 


Speeding Tips

 

A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch

for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed

limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to

find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the

roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP

AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also

had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with

change.

 


Nickels And Dimes

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's

Grocery Store.

 

The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the

boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a

load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

 

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a

nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say,

because it's bigger.

 

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to

one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.

They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the

nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or

what?"

 

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing

it!"

 


Valentines

 

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced

enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you

gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you

think it means?"

 

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know

tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package

and handed it to his wife.

 

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the

package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of

Dreams".

 


Gators

 

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist

capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators

kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

 

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the

tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for

years!"

 

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward

the shore.

 

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of

the gators?"

 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got

'em."

 


Bears

 

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted

by a huge, mean bear.  In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were

unsuccessful.  Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter

ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart

pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest.  Then

suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.  His hopes were

dim.  Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in

rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and

exclaimed, "Dear Lord!  Please give this bear some "religion!"

 

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air.  Just a few feet

short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around,

somewhat confused.  Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and

said,  "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."

 


Neighbor

 

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound

coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and

says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I

look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is

taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his

stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you

leave each day and blows him back up!"


 

Shorts

 

 

Paperless RANSOM Note!!!

 

----------

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 

FROM: THE TREES

 

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.

 

theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS"!

 


 

"Who am I?"

"Coach."

"Where are you?"

"New York."

"Who are you?"

"I am Batman"

"Sit down."

"No wait, you don't understand"

"I do. I do."(nodding head sadly)

(Snickers logo)(While on bench)

"Hello good citizen. My name is Batman. You could be my assistant. Would

you like that? would you like to ride with Batman?"

No response.

 


 

"The taxpayer -- that's someone who works for the federal

government but doesn't have to take the civil service

examination."

 


 

On the back of a motorbiker's jacket.

"IF YOU CAN SEE THIS MY GIRLFRIEND FELL OFF!"

 


 

Have you heard what happens if you sing country

music backwards?

 

Your wife comes home, and you get your job back, too.

 


Always give 100% at work....

 

 12% Monday

 23% Tuesday

 40% Wednesday

 20% Thursday

  5% Friday

 


 

Good driving advice:

 

Never let your vehicle take you anywhere

unless your brain's already arrived there!

 


 

The first rule of flying an airplane:

 

Do try to keep the pointed end going forward as much

as possible.

 


 

Listening to his son's bedtime prayers, the father was 

bemused to hear, "Dear God, please help me to be a 

better boy. But if you can't, that's okay –'cause I'm

sure having a lot of fun the way I am now."

 


 

"If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air

conditioner."

 


 

   In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John

   Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to

   Americans:

       

   1. They speak English.

   2. When they host a world championship they invite other

   countries.

   3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on

   one  knee.

 


 

Two friends a walking in the woods. A big grizzly appears on the path in

front of them, teeth beared (sic). One of them turns to run. The other

grabs him and say "Fool. You can't out run a bear!" 

 

"I don't have to out run a bear. I just have to out run you."

 


Suicide

 

 At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association

for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded

his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre

death. Here is the story:

      

     On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald

 Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending

to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell

past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through

a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the

decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth

floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not

have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

      

     Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit

suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not

be what he intended.  That Opus was shot on the way to certain

death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode

of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent

would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel

that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor

whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly

man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with

the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he

completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window

striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B

in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.

      

     When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both

adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said

it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded

shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus

appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally

loaded.

      

     The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old

couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the

fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's

financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father

to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation

that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of

murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

      

     There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the

son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the

failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to

jump off the ten- story building on March 23, only to be killed by a

shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

      

     The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

 


Poems


Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea,

It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

 

Eye strike a key and type a word, and weight four it to say

Weather eye am wrong oar write it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a miss ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite its rarely ever wrong.

 

Eye have run this poem threw it ,eye am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect in it's weigh my checker tolled me sew.

 


"Twas the Night Before Release Date"

 

 Twas the night before release date and all through the house,

 not a program was working, not even a browse.

 The Programmers hung by their cubes in despair,

 with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,

 while visions of working code danced in their heads.

 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,

 I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

 And what to my wondering eyes did appear,

 but a super programmer with a six-pack of beer.

 His resume glowed with experience so rare,

 he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,

 and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

 On Menu, On Report, On Procedures And Delete,

 On Monitor, On Batch-jobs, On Functions Complete.

 His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,

 from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.

 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

 soon made it clear we had nothing to dread.

 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

 turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk;

 And laying his finger upon the <enterkey,

 the software came up and worked perfectly.

 The menues, they menued, the deletes they deleted,

 the reports they reported, and the batch-jobs completed.

 He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,

 with nary a stack dump, and all had gone well.

 The software was finished, the tests were concluded.

 Our users' last minute requests were included.

 Then the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,

 IT'S JUST WHAT WE ASKED FOR, BUT NOT WHAT WE WANT!

 


Dr Suess on technical training manuals

 

   If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

   And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

   And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

   Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

   If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

   And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

   And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

   Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

  

   You can't say this?

   What a shame, sir!

   We'll find you

   Another game, sir.

 

   If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

   Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

   But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol

   That's repeatedly rejected by your printer down the hall,

   And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,

   So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

   Then you may as well reboot, and go it with a bang,

   'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 

   When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

   And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

   Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. 

   Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 


Suppose Edgar Allan Poe Used a Computer:

 

 Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers

 cramped and vision bleary, System manuals

 piled high and wasted paper on the floor,

 Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I

 sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having

 reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from

 the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then

 invoked the SAVE command and waited for

 the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.

 

 Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat

 there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the

 disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some

 more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!

 Save my data from before!" One thing did

 the phosphors answer, only this and nothing

 more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 Was this some occult illusion? Some

 maniacal intrusion? These were choices

 undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

 Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk

 made monstrous noises. The cursor

 flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type

 some more. Clearly I must press a key,

 choosing one and nothing more, From

 "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly

 toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a

 happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

 Praying for some guarantee Timidly I

 pressed a key. But on the screen there still

 persisted, words appearing as before.

 Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,

 haunted, as my patience wore,

 Saying."Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I

 pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded

 with the cursed machine: I begged and cried

 and then I swore. then I tried in desperation,

 sev'ral random combinations, Still there

 came the incantation, just as senseless as

 before. Cursor blinking, mocking, winking,

 flashing nonsense as before. Reading,

 "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my

 own machine accosted Getting up I turned

 away and paced across the office floor. And

 then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut

 through the night. A gasp of horror overtook

 me, shook me to my very core. The lightning

 zapped my previous data, lost and gone

 forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry,

 Ignore?"

 

 To this day I do not know The place to which

 lost data goes. What demonic nether world

 is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond

 the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether,

 in black holes? But sure as there's C,

 Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You

 will one day be left to wander, lost on some

 Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry,

 Ignore?"

 


The OJ Trial As Told BY Dr. Suess

 

 I did not kill my lovely wife.

 I did not slash her with a knife.

 I did not bonk her on the head.

 

 I did not know that she was dead.

 I stayed at home that fateful night.

 I took a cab, then took a flight.

 The bag I had was just for me.

 My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

 

 When I came home I had a gash.

 My hand was cut from broken glass.

 I cut my hand on broken glass.

 A broken glass did cause that gash.

 I have nothing, nothing to hide.

 My friend, he took me for a ride.

 

 Did you take this person's life?

 Did you do it with a knife?

 I did not do it with a knife.

 I did not, could not kill my wife.

 I did not do this awful crime.

 I could not, would not anytime.

 

 Did you hit her from above?

 Did you drop this bloody glove?

 I did not hit her from above.

 I cannot even wear that glove.

 I did not do it with a knife.

 I did not, could not kill my wife.

 I did not do this awful crime.

 I could not, would, not, anytime.

 

 And now I'm free, I can return

 To my house for which I yearn.

 And to my family whom I love.

 Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

 


The Yoda Song

 

 Learn the Y.O.D.A. Song (To the Village People's "Y.M.C.A.")

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

 

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said

YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said

YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I

*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*

YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am

WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you

GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say

*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

 

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

 

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

 

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into

SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this

TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got

*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*

YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is

COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be

HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is

*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

 

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

 

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

You must be here to see Y-O-D-A

Don't just stand in the rain!

You're all covered with mud!

come and sample my homemade crud!

 

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't

TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his

OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha

*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*

YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be

GOING, off to save all your friends? To be

TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you

*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

 

You gotta stay here with Y-O-D-A

You gotta stay here with Y-O-D-A

You should stay here and train!

You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

 

You gotta stay here with Y-O-D-A

(repeat and fade).

 


Christian, Jews, And Golfing

 

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from

Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one

of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or

Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The

Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his

life.

 

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to

Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...

We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made

and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform

the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your

Holiness," said Nicklaus.

 

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to

Shimon Peres?!!"

 

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

 


Ankh

                             .....

                           :::   :::

                          :::     :::

                          :::     :::

                           :::   :::

               ..            :::::              ..      

               :::.............................:::

               :::''''''''''''''''''''''''''''':::

               ''             :::               ''

                              :::

                              :::

                              :::

                              :::

                             :::::

                            '''''''


LISTS


Beer Troubleshooting:

 

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

 

 

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.


Proverbs for Our Time:

 

Excerpted from a column in the Richmond (VA) Times-Dispatch by

columnist Charles McDowell, published June 16, 1996.

 

A fool returneth to his folly and a columnist to trying to modernize

proverbs:

 

The meek shall inherit the Earth but not much Medicare.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor from having to remind us that he has

not made a house call since 1966.

 

Put not all thine eggs in one basket but diversify among many

baskets and speak up about the evils of the capital gains tax.

 

All work and no play is a dull boy's way to make a lot of jack.

 

Pride goeth before a downsizing.

 

A fool and his money are soon part of a dangerous situation in this

day of negative ads in media-driven politics.

 

Virtue is its own problem.

 

A penney saved is a penney spurned when it becomes a part of the

pile on the dresser.

 

A stitch in time is fine so long as we don't delude ourselves that

today's woman is satisfied to sit home sewing.

 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.

 

Necessity is the mother of circumvention.

 

Necessity is the father of a committee to consider hiring a

consultant.

 

Necessity is the grandparent of a study with multiple inputs,

expanding parameters and muddled responsibility.

 

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and

maybe not wise but always self-righteous.

 

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him think very

clearly.

 

You can't teach an old dog new tricks or a new dog much of anything

at all.

 

A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?

 


Network Age:

YOU KNOW IT'S THE NETWORK AGE WHEN ...

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in
years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to
eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for
dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor
yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you
posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your
college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle
soup to see if it contains echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you
to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a
screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a website address at
the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date
and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or
debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multi-colored Post-it
notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in
person.

24. You're reading this.

25.  Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

 


Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

 

  Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy.

 

  "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

 

  Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

 

  Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

 

  Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie

 

  Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

 

  Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

 

  There go the lights again...

 

  "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of'em.

 

  Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

 

  Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my

  concentration off.

 

  What's this doing here?

 

  I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

 

  That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

 

  Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

 

  Sterile, shcmedle.  The floor's clean, right?

 

  What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...

 

  OK, now take a picture from this angle.  This is truly a freak of

  nature

 

  This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

 

  Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

 

  Don't worry.  I think it is sharp enough.

 

  What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

 

  FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

 

  Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


Doctor’s Notes:

 

1. Patient has chest pain if lying on her left side for

over a year.

 

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd

day it disappeared altogether.

 

3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began

seeing me in 1997.

 

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also

appears to be depressed.

 

5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally

alert but forgetful.

 

7. The patient refused an autopsy.

 

8. The patient has no past history of suicides.

 

9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

 

10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably

insignificant, with only a 40 pound weight gain in the

past three days.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and

sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal exam revealed a normal-sized thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated most of her

life, until she got a divorce.

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car

for physical therapy.

 

20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However,

he took a job as a lawyer instead.

 

21. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

22. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

 

23. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who

felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

 

24. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her

husband says that last night in bed, she was very hot.

 

25. Patient has two teen-age children, but no more

abnormalities.


Virology:

 

Woody Allen Virus

 bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

 

 Tonya Harding Virus

 turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

 

 Paul Revere Virus

 warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

 

 Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus

 instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg

 

 Ollie North Virus

 plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

 

 Joey Buttafuaco Virus

 only attacks minor files

 

 Michael Jackson Virus

 preys on child processes

 

 Ronald Reagan Virus

 saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

 

 Jane Fonda Virus

 attacks your hard drive's FAT

 

 Oprah Winfrey virus

 Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly

 expands to 300MB

 

 AT&T Virus

 Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

 

 MCI Virus

 Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for

 the AT&T virus

 

 Politically Correct Virus

 Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an

 "electronic microorganism."


Excuses Excuses:

 

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)

collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch

 

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.  Please

execute him.

 

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.

 

Dear School:  Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 31, 32

and also 33.

 

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.  She is administrating.

 

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday he fell out of

a tree and misplaced his hip.

 

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

 

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He was

hurt in the growing part.

 

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by

very close veins.

 

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

 

Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.

 

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.  He had (diahre, dyrea,

direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ()'s]

 

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.  He had diarrhea and his

boots leak.

 

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being .  It was his father's fault.

 

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I

don't know what size she wear.

 

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get

the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it

was Sunday.

 

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.  We have to attend her

funeral.

 

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spent a

weekend with the Marines.

 

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could

not breed well.

 

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with

gramps.

 

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

 

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

 

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,

headache, and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore

throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.  I wasn't

the best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be something going

around, her father even got hot last night.


British Signs:

 

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

 

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP

LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

 

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

 

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND

UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

 

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

 

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of

Wales:  THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.

IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

 

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR

DINNER ALSO

 

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

 

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

 

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT

WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

 

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE

GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

 

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR

MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

 

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR

OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

 

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW

IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

 

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO

CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET

WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE

KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

 

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND

THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT


Unedited Advertisements:

    

     2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.

     Leave mess.

    

     Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

    

     A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by

     waitresses in appetizing forms.

    

     Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

    

     For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large

     drawers.

    

     Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    

     Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to

     take home, too.

    

     Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

    

     Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

    

     We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

    

     For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

    

     For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

    

     Great Dames for sale.

    

     Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

    

     Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    

     Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    

     Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

    

     If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis

     Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and

     Chopin.

    

     Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in

     the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

    

     The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other

     athletic facilities.

    

     Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

    

     Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.

     Automatically burns toast.

    

     Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots

    of women wear nothing else.

    

     Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    

     We build bodies that last a lifetime.

    

     For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

    

     Man, honest. Will take anything.

    

     Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    

     UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

    

     Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

    

     Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

    

     Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

    

     Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    

     3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

    

     Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and

     smacks included.

    

     Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

    

     Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never

     go anywhere again.

    

     Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

    

     Illiterate? Write today for free help.

    

     Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross

     and salary.

    

     Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume

     general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

    

     Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient

     beating.

    

     Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

    

     And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,

     unrivaled inconvenience.

    

     We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for

     $1.00.


Headlines:

 

   The Year's Best Actual Headlines (yes, they are real)

    

      1.  Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

     

      2.  Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

     

      3.  Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

     

      4.  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

     

      5.  Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

     

      6.  Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

     

      7.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

     

      8.  Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

     

      9.  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

     

      10.  British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

     

      11.  Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

     

      12.  Eye Drops Off Shelf

     

      13.  Teachers Strike Idle Kids

     

      14.  Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

     

      15.  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

     

      16.  Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

     

      17.  Miners Refuse To Work After Death

     

      18.  Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

     

      19.  Stolen Painting Found By Tree

     

      20.  Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

     

      21.  Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

     

      22.  Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

     

      23.  War Dims Hope For Peace

     

      24.  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

     

      25.  Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

     

      26.  Deer Kill 17,000

     

      27.  Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

     

      28.  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

     

      29.  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

     

      30.  Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

     

      31.  New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

     

      32.  Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

     

      33.  Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

     

      34.  Chef Throws Hes Heart In Helping Feed Needy

     

      35.  Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

     

      36.  Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

     

      37.  Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

     

      38.  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

     

      39.  Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

 

*********************

 

 50 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)

 

    1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 

    2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

    3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

 

    4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

 

    5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

 

    6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

 

    7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 

    8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 

    9.Stud Tires Out

 

   10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 

   11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

   12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

 

   13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

 

   14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

 

   15.Eye Drops off Shelf

 

   16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 

   17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

 

   18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

 

   19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

 

   20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

 

   21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 

   22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 

   23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

   24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 

   25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

 

   26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

 

   27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 

   28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

 

   29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

 

   30.War Dims Hope for Peace

 

   31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 

   32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

   33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 

   34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

 

   35.Deer Kill 17,000

 

   36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

   37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

   38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 

   39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 

   40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

   41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

 

   42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

 

   43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

 

   44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

 

   45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

 

   46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 

   47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

 

   48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

 

   49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

 

   50.Air Head Fired


How to Bake a Cake

1  Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.

2  Remove blocks and toy autos from table.

3  Grease pan, crack nuts.

4  Measure two cups flour;

5  Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.

6  Remeasure flour.

7  Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.

8  Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.

9  Get another bowl.

10 Answer doorbell.

11 Return to kitchen.

12 Remove baby's hands from bowl.

13 Wash baby.

14 Answer phone.

15 Return.

16 Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.

17 Look for baby.

18 Grease another pan.

19 Answer telephone.

20 Return to kitchen and find baby.

21 Remove baby's hands from bowl.

22 Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.

23 Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.

24 Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.

25 Call baker.

26 Lie down.


Computer Acronyms 

 

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

 

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Elitists

 

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

 

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

 

CA: Constant Acquisitions

 

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

 

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

 

SCSI: System Can't See It

 

DOS: Defunct Operating System

 

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

 

WWW: World Wide Wait


Top Ten Signs You Picked The Wrong ISP

Excerpted from the C|Net Newsletter

 

10. Their company logo: Two tin cans and a chuck of string.

 

9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a

Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.

 

8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack

in the woods.

 

7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB

radio."

 

6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and

"superhighway" in the same sentence

 

5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space

for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the

phone asks "Would you like fries with that?"

 

4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."

 

3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."

 

2. They hawk domain names AND Rolexes on street corners.

 

1. They charge by the word.

 


The Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

 

16  Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be

    played by Pauly Shore.

 

15  Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your

    gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.

 

14  The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM.

    You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.

 

13  Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.

 

12  Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate

    millions of chess moves per minute.  You: lauded by fraternity

    buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.

 

11  You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy

    shrimp.

 

10  In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with

    an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.

 

 9  Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this

    particular opponent.

 

 8  Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns

    to wipe out their own king and queen.

 

 7  Kasparov's idol:  Bobby Fisher.   Your idol:  Eddie Fisher.

 

 6  The press has nicknamed you "Deep Doo."

 

 5  You plan to use the "James T. Kirk Strategy" -- talk the

    computer into blowing itself up.

 

 4  Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the

    bank security staff.

 

 3  Computer: Intel Inside.  You: Imbecile Inside.

 

 2  After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, "King

    me, Pentium-breath!"

 

    and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess...

 

 1  You counter *every* move with a "Smirnoff opening."

 


Top 45 Oxymorons:

 

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt Head

26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

1. Microsoft Works


Niven's Laws

 

Copyright Larry Niven.

 

1. a) Never throw sh*t at an armed man.

1. b) Never stand next to someone who is throwing sh*t at an armed

man.

 

2. Never fire a laser at a mirror.

 

3. Mother Nature doesn't care if you're having fun.

 

4. F x S = k (The product of Freedom and Security is a constant.)

 

5. Psi and/or magical powers, if real, are nearly useless.

 

6. It is easier to destroy than to create.

 

7. Any damn fool can predict the past.

 

8. History never repeats itself.

 

9. Ethics changes with technology.

 

10. Anarchy is the least stable of social structures.

 

11. There is a time and a place for tact.

 

12. The ways of being human are bounded but infinite.

 

13. The world's dullest subjects, in order:

A) Somebody else's diet.

B) How to make money for a worthy cause.

C) Special Interest Liberation.

 

14. There exist minds that think as well as you do, but differently.

(The gene-tampered turkey you're talking to isn't necessarily one of

them.)

 

15. Never waste calories.

 

16. There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following

it.

 

17. No technique works if it isn't used.

 

18. Not responsible for advice not taken.

 

19. Old age is not for sissies.

 


Niven's Laws For Writers

 

1. Writers who write for other writers should write letters.

 

2. Never be embarrassed or ashamed by anything you choose to write.

 

3. Stories to end all stories on a given topic, don't.

 

4. It is a sin to waste the reader's time.

 

5. If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. If what you

have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the

simplest language possible.

 

6. Everybody talks first draft.

 


Van Gogh's Realtions

 

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist

Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.  Among them were:

 

His obnoxious bro.................................................………..... Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ............................................................………..Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes................................…………......Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................................………….Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store……………....Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia.................……………..............U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white......………………...Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois..............................……….................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle.......................................................Wherediddy  Gogh

His Mexican cousin.......................................………...............Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother........……………..Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ..............………........Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt......................................…………....Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco.........................................……………...Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle............................................………........Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst.......................................……………….E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin..............................................…………..Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking..................……….…....Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.......................................…….……......Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ...……..…Winnie Bay Gogh

 


Best Bumper Stickers:

 

        * We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be

           Assimilated.

        * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

        * Horn broken, watch for finger.

        * All men are idiots ... I married their king.

        * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

        * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

        * Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

        * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

        * I'm just driving this way to **** you off.

        * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

        * I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

        * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

        * Keep honking, I'm reloading.

        * Hang up and drive.

        * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

        * Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

        * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

        * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

        * Cat... the other white meat.

        * The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

        * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

        * It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

        * When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

        * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

        * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

        * Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

        * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

        * He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

        * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

        * Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

        * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 

        * Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

        * Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

        * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

        * I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

        * Work hard and get rich ---- annoy a Liberal

        *This Lackey is having SEX with your honor student

        *Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

        *Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

        *Early bird gets the worm... second mouse gets the cheese

        *I'm not cheap, I'm just on special this week

        *I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met

        *I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

        *I intend to live forever - so far, so good

        *I love small defensless animals, especially in a good gravy

        *If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

        *If you aint makin waves, kick harder

        *Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB

        *Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of

        *Mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states

        *Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

        *The only substitute for good manners is good reflexes

        *When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

        *Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

        *Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

        *If I worked as hard as others, i would do as little as they

        *24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?

        *If everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something

        *Most people quit looking for work when they find a job

        *Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire

        *Everyone has a photographic memory... some have no film

        *Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

        *What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

        *Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

        *Shin: device for locating furniture in the dark

        *Joint the Army, meet interesting people, kill them

        *Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

        *Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

        *Wear short sleeves: support your right to bare arms!

        *For sale: Parachute, only use once, never opened, small stain

        *Corduroy  pillows: they're making headlines!

        *Black holes are where God divided by zero

        *Believers in psychokinesis, raise my hand

        *I tried sniffing coke once... the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

        *Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

        *I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian

        *Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition

        *Your kid may be an honor student, but you're STILL an idiot

        *If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, WHY are they made of meat

        *Few women admit their age, fewer men act theirs

        *The gene pool could use a little chlorine

        *I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute

        *Its lonely at the top, but you eat way better

        *Love: two vowels, two consenents, two fools

        *According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist

        *Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them

        *Pride is what we have, vanity is what others have

        *Forget world peace... visualize using your turn signal

        *Warning: dates on calander are closer than they appear

        *Give me ambiguity or give me something else

        *We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart"

        *Make it idiot proof and the universe will make a better idiot

        *He who laughs last thinks slowest

        *Always remember; you're unique, just like everyone else

        *Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math

        *Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes

        *Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhaere, may be HAPPY

        *Consciousness: that irritating time between naps

        *3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cant

        *Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

        *Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

        *Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie..." till you find a rock

        *"Auntie EM: hate you, hate kansas, taking the dog." - Dorothy

        *Lead me not into temptation, for I can find the way myself

        *Windows 95, Macintosh 89

        *My pothead smoked your honor student

        *Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

        *The Internet: Now you can meet millions of losers

        *D.A.R.E. Donuts Are Really Expensive

        *http://www.byte-me.com

        *Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

        *I’m right, your wrong.  Any questions?

        *Keep smiling, everyone loves a moron

        *Gone crazy, back soon

        *Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
        *Driver carries no cash: He's married!
        *I need patience. NOW!
        *If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
        *I brake for hallucinations.
        *Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
        *Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
        *Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
        *Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
        *Back off, I'm a postal worker.
        *I brake for No Apparent Reason.
        *Hang up and drive!
        *I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it!
        *Jesus is coming - Look Busy!
        *I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.
        *My other vehicle is a broom stick.
        *This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware, you might meet the Undertaker
        *My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater).
        *My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
        *Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it.
        *'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license frame- Visalia, CA
        *Jesus, protect me from your followers!
        *Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.

        *Supporting America's Militant Agnostics... we don't know, and you don't either.
        *You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
        *Honk if you love peace and quiet.
        *i souport publik edekasion.
        *My President slept with your honor student.
        *I drive this way just to piss you off.
        *Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
        *FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
        *Honk if you love N Sync! (then go drive off a cliff)
        *Pray for whirled peas.
        *Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
        *My karma ran over your dogma.
        *Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
        *"No, YOU suck" - the mean people.
        *Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
        *I wonder if you'd drive any better with that car phone up your butt?
        *Work harder: Millions on welfare depend on you.
        *Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it.
        *My car does 0 - 60mph in 5 miles!
        *Honk if you're a goose.
        *No Radio - Already Stolen.
        *Don't steal, the government hates competition.
        *Drive defensively - buy a tank.
        *Do not wash this car. It is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment.
        *They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
        *If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! (seen on the back on a wheelchair)
        *How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
        *Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
        *Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
        *My Governor can beat up your Governor. (Minnesota bumper sticker)
        *Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking.
        *I don't drive fast, I fly low.
        *On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
        *His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
        *Honk if you like obscene gestures!
        *You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light.
        *Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
        *Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
        *If you can read this, the bitch fell off. (on the back of a biker's T-shirt).
        *I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting!
        *My truck is not leaking, it's marking its territory.
        *If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
        *Millions of sperm and YOU were the fastest?
        *To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car.

        *There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
        *Zero to bitch in 2.4 seconds.
        *If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
        * (On a VW being pulled by an RV) Don't honk, I'm pushing as hard as I can.
        *New Bumper Sticker cropping up in NY (Democrats use the rear bumper - Republicans have it on the front of their cars!) "Run, Hillary, Run."
        *Born free... Taxed to death.
        *Honk your brains out, it wont take long.
        *Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
        *Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)
        *Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
        *I don't trust President Clinton (or her husband).
        *Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
        *I bought this car on credit - 20% down and the balance on receipt of threatening letters.
        *Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
        *YES this is my truck. NO I wont help you move.'
        *Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
        *So many pedestrians, so little time!
        *Don't Annoy The Crazy Person.
        *Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here.
        *I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made!
        *I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
        *If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
        * (On the back of a VW Beetle) Don't honk, I'm peddling as fast as I can.
        *Woman make great leaders, you're following one.
        *Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
        *Undercover Princess
        *Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
        *Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!
        *If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen!
        *You may touch the dust just don't write in it.
        *Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship
        *I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
        *The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.
        *See on small car: 'When I grow up, I want to be a Truck'
        *Go with God. (my car's full...)
        *You! Out of the gene pool!
        * (Upside down on the bumper of a Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Jeep over.
        *Ankh if you love Isis.
        *Single Women Can't fart, They Don't get A**holes till they Marry.
        *Dear Lord, please save me from your followers.
        *Seen on a muddy lorry: "I wish my wife was as dirty as this!"
        *I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
        *Don't tailgate, I'll flick a booger on your windshield.
        *On the back of beatup pickup truck, being driven by a guy with a big hat - I ain't no cowboy, I just found this hat.
        *Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say: "Honk if..."
        *When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
        *If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights.
        *D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.
        *Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.



Basic German

 

Dog:  Barkenpantensniffer

 

 Dog Catcher:  Barkenpantensniffersnatcher

 

 Dog Catcher's Truck:  Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen

 

 Garage for Truck:  Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus

 

 Truck Repairman:  Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerker

 

 Mechanic's Union:

 Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerkerfeatherbeddengefixengruppe

 

 Doctor:  Chestergethumpenpulsentooker

 

 Nurse:  Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper

 

 Hypodermic Needle:  Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtensticken

 

 Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz

 

 Piano:  Plinkenplankenplunkenbox

 

 Pianist:  Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder

 

 Piano Stool:  Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderspinnenseat

 

 Piano Recital:  Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspelle

 

 Fathers at the Recital:

 Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe

 

 Mothers at the Recital:

 Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowentellensnoozengruppenuppenwakers

 

 Automobile:  Honkenbrakenscreecher

 

 Gasoline:  Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen

 

 Driver:  Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker

 

 Auto Mechanic:  Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer

 

 Repair Bill:  Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste

 


Handy hints...

 

      Weight watchers.  Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the

      chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king

      thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

 

      Dyslexics.  Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.  This way at

      least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

 

      Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic

      explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their

      noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes.  It never fails to

      impress the girls.

 

      Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat

      friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box.  The

      possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking

      any of them.

 

      Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking

      gibberish and singing all the time.

 

      If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

      jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!  The blockage is

      almost instantly removed.

 

      Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting

      someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

      Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff

      broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the

      side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

 

      Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them,

      asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way

      through their reply.

 

      Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may

      find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

 

      Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding

      at people as they walk up the aisle.

 

      Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following

      morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble

      full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the

      wall.

 

      Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by

      pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

 

      Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands

      under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every

      time you want to speak.

 

      Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their

      lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 

      Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home

      by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,

      then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

      Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and

      telling her.

 

      Girls.  Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?  Simply get pissed, lie

      in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you

      over the fence.

 

      Bus drivers.  Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your

      accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel

      with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting

      casually to the passengers.

 

      International master criminals.  Tell your guards to shoot James Bond

      in the head at the first opportunity.  Under no circumstances give him

      a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive

      women in bikinis.

 

      KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.

 

      NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as

      well as fun-sized ones for giants.

 

      FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

 

      PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty

      'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.

      This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make

      a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of

      getting the job.

 

CAMPERS:

 

    When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will

    keep the campsites on either side vacant.

 

    Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite

    stump apart and eating all the ants.

 

    Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an

    open fire.

 

    When smoking a fish, never inhale.

 

    A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.  A hot

    enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

 

    You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted

    number.

 

    The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.

 

    Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

 

    Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping

    bag.

 

    While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy

    Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

 

    Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay

    dry in a downpour.  Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have

    been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

 

    Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.

    Warning:  Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

 

    You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north

    side of your compass.

 

    You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a

    plastic garbage bag with several geese.

 

    When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you something to

    wipe your nose on.

 

    You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running

    over it with your car.

 

    Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.  Shine a

    flashlight into one ear.  If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go

    into the woods alone.

 

    A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

    Sorry ladies.

 

    A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.

 

    A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey

    puck.

 

    You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then

    breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

 

    In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting

    small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

 

    The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent

    kindling.

 

    A large carp can be used for a pillow.

 

    Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

    camping.  Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

 

    The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.  The sight

    of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

 

    It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain

    road behind a large motor home.

 

    Effective January 1, 1998, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss

    Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

   

    Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.

    The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

   

    In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a

    snoring tent mate.


Asteroid Science

 

Here are the fundamental principles of asteroid science, as I

learned on NBC tonight:

 

* Asteroids travel through space making a noise like a powerful but

subdued engine.

 

* Asteroids are usually locked into orbits, but if a comet comes by,

they can be bumped out of their rut and become dangerously unstable.

 

* It's only the fact that everything is locked into an orbit which

prevents collisions in our solar system. Any asteroid that gets

loose is certain to crash into Earth within a matter of hours.

 

* It's just barely possible to evacuate Kansas City to a distance of

100 miles in 48 hours. This requires lots of airplanes. It also

requires martial law, so that "looters will be arrested on sight".

(Have they no mercy?) With 30+ hours to go, people will panic in the

streets and run around at random.

 

* A mile-wide asteroid can mostly burn up in the atmosphere, causing

it to do only a relatively small amount of damage (bursting a dam)

when it strikes.

 

* A river from a burst dam can exactly keep pace with a pickup truck

for several minutes. It will then obligingly pause as the pickup

truck turns around and goes in another direction.

 

* When a raging river washes over a pickup truck on a bridge, the

bridge won't be damaged, the truck won't be swept off the bridge,

and people in the open back of the truck won't be swept away.

 

* A four-mile-wide nickel asteroid (which would mass about a

 

*trillion* tons) can be destroyed -- literally destroyed, so that

nothing remains -- by three airplane-mounted lasers.

 

* But with only two airplane-mounted lasers, it instead instantly

explodes into thousands of pieces. Astronomers are very surprised

that it wasn't literally destroyed.

 

* Laser beams are easily visible in space.

 

* Incoming asteroids spend several minutes in Earth's atmosphere.

 

* Asteroids made of softer or more volatile stuff than nickel will

harmlessly burn up in the atmosphere regardless of size.

 

* Asteroids that land in the ocean will do no damage regardless of

size.

 

* Asteroids are discovered by astronomers peering directly through

their telescopes in brightly lit observatories. Whatever they see

will appear on computer monitors, however.

 

* Asteroid positions are reported in plainly audible 75 BPS Baudot

teletype signals.

 

* Oddly, there will be no dog to be rescued at the last possible

moment. Maybe only tornadoes and volcanoes come equipped with dogs.

Would you settle for goldfish?

 


The Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult

From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, <http://www.topfive.com/

 

15. Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.

 

14. Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...

 

13. He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.

 

12. Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to

the apocalypse.

 

11. Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary

excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.

 

10. His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."

 

9. Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint

handing out flowers at airport.

 

8. Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of

the Day."

 

7. She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.

 

6. Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.

 

5. Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to

rescue the true believers.

 

4. Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.

 

3. Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles

Manson.

 

2. He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...

 

1. Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut;

lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's

Bill Gates!!

 


Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you have a klingon on your software developement team

 

10) This code is a peice of crap!  You have no honor!

9) A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!

8) By filing this bug, you have questioned my family honor.  Prepare to die!

7) You question the worthiness of my code?!  I should kill you where you stand!

6) Our competitors are without honor!

5) Specs are for the weak and timid!

4) This machine is a peice of GAGH!  I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!

3) Perhaps today IS a good day to die!  I say ship it!

2) My program has just dumped stova core!

1) Behold, the keyboard of Kalis!  The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!

 


Cruise Questions

 

Cruise Questions From The Intellectually Challenged

Cruise ships get some unusual questions from their customers. Here's

an amusing sample collected by Celebrity Cruises and published by

the trade magazine "Travel Weekly":

* Does the elevator go to the front of the ship?

* Why does the ship rock only when we are at sea?

* Does the ship generate its own electricity?

* Will I get wet if I go snorkeling?

* Does the crew sleep on board?

* Is there water all around the island?

* How do we know which photos are ours?

* What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?

 


Canadians vs. Brits vs. Americans vs. Canadians

Have you ever been confronted with "Canadians are just like

Americans. What's the difference?" Here are *some* answers. (This is

not a put-down of Americans, Brits, or Canadians; just a series of

observations.)

 

Canadians:

Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans:

Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits:

Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

 

Americans:

Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to extreme

degrees in some cases.

Canadians:

Couldn't care less about these things, especially when "I have

nothing to hide." More concerned about an *orderly* society than a

free one.

 

Americans:

Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians:

Believe that that's the government's job.

 

Americans:

Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the

point of blindness.

Canadians:

Can't agree on the words to their anthem -- *when* they can be

bothered to sing them, that is.

 

Americans:

Are deeply religious, or make a strong point of posturing as such.

Canadians:

Are somewhat less religious, and keep it to themselves.

 

Canadians:

Do their best to be polite to others.

Americans:

Rudeness is more efficient.

 

Americans:

Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians:

Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

 

Americans:

Love to watch sports on the idiot box.

Brits:

Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.

Canadians:

Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

 

Americans:

Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits:

Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians:

Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and

how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball.

 

Americans:

Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists.

Canadians:

Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid) tourists.

 

Americans:

Spell words differently, but still call it "English."

Brits:

Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."

Canadians:

Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

 

Americans:

Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night.

Canadians:

Are unafraid to walk the streets of their cities.

Brits:

Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out.

 

Americans:

Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a

backward country.

Canadians:

Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a

backward country.

 

Americans:

Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too.

Canadians:

Aren't quite sure how they work. Safer and easier to make them

illegal.

 

Americans:

Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians:

Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits:

Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are

inherited.

 

Americans:

Are awed by wealth and success.

Canadians:

Are awed by correctness and mediocrity.

 

Canadians:

Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation.

Americans:

Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways.

Brits:

Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.

 

Americans:

Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of Canada.

Canadians:

Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked -- with

the exception of America, Somalia, and other places where the

Airborne have been.

 

Canadians:

Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.

Brits:

Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.

Americans:

Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

 

Canadians:

Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short,

Lorne Michaels (SNL producer), Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue (SNL

writer), Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans:

Think that these people are American!

Brits:

Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because

they don't understand subtle humour.

 

Brits:

Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadillos.

Americans:

Are obsessed with the President, his family, and even their cat!

Canadians:

Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a

Canadian girl.

 

Americans:

Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their citizens.

Canadians:

Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were actually

Canadian.

 


Top Ten Signs That You Watch Too Much Star Trek:

                                

 

10. You think that the school bus is a Romulan Prison Transport.

 

9. You sit down at your computer and you ask it to display the latest

sensor sweeps from the neutral zone.

 

8. You get into a taxi and you tell the driver to take you to the Mars

colony.

 

7. You walk to your microwave and say "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot."

 

6. You see an aircraft fly overheaad and you yell "Klingon Bird of Prey

off the port bow! Fire all phasers!"

 

5. You tell your father not to aim the remote at you.

 

4. You pick up a calculator and begin pressing buttons, but to your

surprise, you can't read the life signs of people in the room.

 

3. You order pizza at a restaurant and when they bill you, you say "But

we don't use money in this century."

 

2. You keep running into doors, expecting them to open automatically.

 

And the Number One sign that you watch too much Star Trek is:

 

1. Your desire to kill Wesley Crusher is beginning to fade away.

 


Top 10 Reasons why The Enterprise-D would defeat a Star Destroyer:

                               

10. Stupid Imperial commanders mistake the Enterprise for an Imperial

freighter.

 

9. Vader uses Turbolaser power to charge his batteries.

 

8. TIE Fighter pilot sneezes inside his helmet, crashes into Star

Destroyer's bridge by mistake.

 

7. Data beats the Star Destroyer's main computer at 3-D Chess.

 

6. Geordi lets loose with a 30 minute stream of Technobabble, Star

Destroyer spontaneously combusts.

 

5. Enterprise crew beams over Wesley. Star Destroyer crew doesn't stand

a chance.

 

4. Wedge appears suddenly and the Star Destroyer high-tails it out of

there.

 

3. Jean-Luc gives a long speech about ethics, Star Destroyer crew dies

of boredom.

 

2. Star Destroyer fires at Enterprise, Helm explodes. Enterprise fires

back, Star Destroyer partially damaged. Repeat 100 times.

 

And the Number 1 reason why the Enterprise-D would defeat a star

destroyer is . . .

 

1. Two words: Picard Maneuver!

 


Tenant Complaints

 

    Authentic (allegedly) complaints received by Local Councils from

    their Tenants

 

   * I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt

   my knob off.

 

   * I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he

   put his foot in the hole in his  back passage.

 

   *Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my

   fence.  Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is

   now sagging in the middle.

 

   * This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next

   door.

 

   *I am writing on  behalf of my sink, which is running away from

   the  wall.

 

   * I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the

   outside toilet  and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew

   them off.

 

   * I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

   * The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

    cleared.

 

   * Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a

    funny color and not fit to drink.

   

   * Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age

    pensioner and need it straight away.

 

   *I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning

   at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.

 

   * It's all right when my husband is on  day-shift, but when he's on

   back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty

   next door and at my age it's too much.

 

   * The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is

    unsightly and dangerous.

 

   * Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like

   a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

 

   *The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

 

   *I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased

   if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on

   top of me every night.

 

   *Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the

   wife.

 

   * Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door

   closed the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and

   now it's ready to fall off.

 

   *I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but

   still have no satisfaction.

 

   * We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden

    before we move into the house.

 


100 Reasons To Be A Guy

 

   1.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

   2.  Movie nudity is virtually always female.

   3.  You know stuff about tanks.

   4.  A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

   5.  Monday Nite Football.

   6.  You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.

   7.  Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

   8.  You can open all your own jars.

   9.  Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

   10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

   11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

   12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

   13. All your orgasms are real.

   14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

   15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

   16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

   17. You understand why The Three Stooges are funny.

   18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

   19. Your last name stays put.

   20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

   21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

   22. You can kill your own food.

   23. The garage is all yours.

   24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

   25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

   26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

   27. You never have to clean the toilet.

   28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

   29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

   30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

   31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

   32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

   33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

   34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

   35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

   36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

   37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

   38. You can write your name in the snow.

   39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

   40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

   41. Chocolate is just another snack.

   42. You can be president.

   43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

   44. Flowers fix everything.

   45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

   46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

   47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

   48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

   49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

   50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

   51. Foreplay is optional.

   52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

   53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

   54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

   55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

   56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

   57. Car mechanic tell you the truth.

   58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

   59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking "... he must be mad at me ..."

   60. The world is your urinal.

   61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

   62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

   63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.

   64. One mood, all the time.

   65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

   66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

   67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

   68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

   69. Same work....more pay.

   70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

   71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

   72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

   73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

   74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

   75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

   76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

   77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

   78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.

   79. ESPN's sports center.

   80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

   81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

   82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

   83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

   84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

   85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

   86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

   87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"

   88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

   89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

   90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

   91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.

   92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

   93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer  and throw it across the room.

   94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

   95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

   96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

   97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

   98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

   99. Baywatch

   100. There is always a game on somewhere.

 


Eight Simple Rules

 

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's

father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his

daughter's chest.  He would open the door and immediately affect a

good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that,

when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

 

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.  Remembering how unfairly

persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my

daughter's suitors feel even worse.  My motto:  wilt them in the living

room and they'll stay wilted all night.

 

"So," I'll call out jovially.  "I see you have your nose pierced.  Is

that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

 

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone

tablets that I have on display in my living room.

 

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be

delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance

at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you

cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

 

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of

your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off

 their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of

your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded

about this issue, so I propose this compromise:   You may come to the door

with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not

object.  However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact,

come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my

electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

 

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me

elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

 

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk

about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.

The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect

to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from

you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many

opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is

okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my

little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished

with you.  If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

 

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter

to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you

want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is

putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the

Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do

something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my

daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a

wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns

within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness. Places where there is

dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is

warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff

T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped

up to her adam's apple.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to

be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are

okay.

 

 My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me

 attempting to get her date to recite these eight  simple rules from

 memory.   I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying

 out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins

 that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. 

 (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.)  I merely told him that I

 thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be

 inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was

 probably a better alternative.

 

 

 One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be

 suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to

 knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured

 he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I

 was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you remember being that age?"  she

 challenged.

 

 Of course I remember.  Why do you think I came up with the eight simple

 rules?

 


Jesus Is Elvis

 

JESUS AND ELVIS - COINCIDENCE, OR COSMIC PLAN?

 

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd.

ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.

 

JESUS was a carpenter.

ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.

 

JESUS was part of the Trinity.

ELVIS' very first band was a trio.

 

JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.

ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

 

JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25)

ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)

 

JESUS was the lamb of God.

ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.

 

JESUS was first and foremost the Son of God.

ELVIS first recorded with Sun Studios, performing what are still

considered to be his foremost

recordings.

 

JESUS' Father is everywhere.

ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

 

JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John

7:37)

ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

 

JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights.

ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)

 

JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."

ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

 

Matthew was one of JESUS' many biographers. (The Gospel According to

Matthew)

Neil Matthews was one of ELVIS' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden

Tribute)

 

"[JESUS] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."

ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. (Matthew 28:3)

 

JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)

ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)

 

JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)

ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

 

Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception.

Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate

Conception High School.

 

JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.

ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.

 

No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for.

No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

 

JESUS wore a crown of thorns.

ELVIS wore Royal Crown hair styler.

 

JESUS had his famous Resurrection.

ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

 

JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.

ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

 

 

                    BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE! 

 

The letters in ELVIS also spell: "Lives", "Evils", and "Viles".

 

The letters in JESUS don't spell much of anything else.

But then, neither do the letters in PRESLEY.

 

However, JESUS CHRIST does transmogrify to: "Chess Jurist", "Rich Justess"

(close enough), "Sterjc Sushi" (Czech fingerfood), "Such Sister J" (a possible

`friend' of Elvis??), and "Such jest, Sir!"

 

Further, ELVIS PRESLEY will also spell: "Less Vile Prey", "Silly Vespere",

"Peerless Vily", and "Riply's Sleeve" (Believe It or Not!)

 

Moreover, "Christmas" has the same number of letters as "Graceland". And

the three letters shared in common, spell both "arc" and "car".

 

Lastly - and this is an Internet Exclusive - JESUS and ELVIS were never

both seen in the same place at the same time.

 

It is left to the Reader to make the obvious connection.

 


The Cow Problem:    

 

You have two cows.  What should the

government do about it?

 

  Feudalism       You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes

some of the milk.

 

  Pure socialism  You have two cows. The government takes them and

puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care

of all the cows.

  The government gives you as much milk as you need.

 

  Bureaucratic socialism  You have two cows. The government takes

them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are

cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the

chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The

government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say

you should need.

 

  Fascism You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you

to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

 

  Pure communism  You have two cows. Your neighbors help you to

take care of them and you all share the milk.

 

  Soviet communism        You have two cows. You have to take care

of them, but the government takes all the milk.

 

  Khmer rouge             You have two cows. The government takes

both and shoots you.

 

  Dictatorship            You have two cows. The government takes both

and drafts you.

 

  Totalitarianism You have two cows. The government takes them and

denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

 

  Pure democracy  You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who

gets the milk.

 

  Representative democracy        You have two cows. Your neighbors

pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.

 

  Singaproean democracy   You have two cows. The government

fines you for illegally keeping unlicensed farm animals in an

apartment.

 

  American democracy      The government promises to give you two

cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is

impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the

affair "Cowgate."

 

  British democracy               You have two cows. You feed them

sheep's brain and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

 

  Bureaucracy     You have two cows. At first the government

regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then

its pays you not to milk them. Then its takes both, shoots one,

milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it

requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

 

  Capitalism      You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull which

you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the

area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging

markets. After several years of expansion, you company issues an

IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually begins legal

proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After

a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to

10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you

come out of prison, you buy two chickens. Then...

 

  Hong Kong capitalism    You have two cows. You sell three of them

to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap

with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows

back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights

to six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a

Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shreholder,

who sell the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed

company. Proceeds from the sale are deferred.

 


America


Only In America

 

 Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an

ambulance...

 

 Only in America... do people order a double cheeseburger, large fry

and a diet coke...

 

 Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the

pens to the counters...

 

 Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in

the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the

garage...

 

 Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and

then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't

want to talk to in the first place...

 

 Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the

process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning

"blood-sucking creatures"...

 


Can You Imagine...

 

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more

than 500 employees and has the following statistics: 

 

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse 

*7 have been arrested for fraud 

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks 

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses 

*3 have done time for assault 

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting 

*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 

*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year 

 

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? 

 

Its the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new

laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 


Georgian Laws 

 

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which

lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. 

 

You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by

"fightin'" words. 

 

In Kennesaw, every head of household must possess a firearm 

of some kind. 

 

In Atlanta, one man may not be on another man's back. 

 

Signs are required to be written in English. 

 

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it

is Sunday. 

                          

In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

 


Title To The Property

 

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct

Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that

the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of

clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title

for the property in question was complicated and he spent a

considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent

documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse

of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.

 

He soon received a reply from the VA.

 

"We received your letter today enclosing application for a

loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The

application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the

title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review

and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it

will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that

year."

 

Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.

 

"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I

note that you wish titles extended further back than I have

presented. Your attention is invited to the following

information to update your records for the property prior to

1803.

 

(a)- I was unaware that any educated person would not know

that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from

France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real

estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.

 

(b)- France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of

conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso

(1800).

 

(c)- The land came into the possession of Spain by right of

discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He

was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had

her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.

 

(d)- The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about

titles - almost as careful as the V.A. - took the precaution

of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the

voyage.

 

(e)- The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.

 

(f)- Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that

God created title that part of the world called Louisiana

and thus was the original holder of the property in

question.

 


Redneck Lists


Tips for Northerners moving South:

 

     1.  Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed later

     how to use it.

  

     2.  If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as

     "Bubba".  You have a 75% chance of being right.

  

     3.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.

     Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

  

     4.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men in

    the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain

    will be along shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay out of their

    way. This is what they live for.

  

     5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same

    store.

  

     6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

  

     7.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

    alone eating.

  

     8.  Remember:  "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural.  "All

     y'all's" is plural possessive.

  

     9.  There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern

     accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

  

    10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

  

     11.  People walk slower here.

  

     12.  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.  They don't

    understand you either.

  

     13.  The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted

     Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'

     truck" or "big ol' boy".  Eighty-five percent begin their new southern

     influenced dialect with this expression.  One hundred percent are

     in denial about it.

  

     14.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer

    proper.

  

     15.  Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

  

     16.  If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the

     last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

  

     17.  If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay

     out of his way.  These are likely the last words he will ever say.

  

     18.  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those

     who do.  In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a

     southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on  when the

     car was purchased.

  

     19.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their

       car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

  

     20.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait

      until November.

  

     22.  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the

     most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the

    local grocery store.  It does not matter if you need anything from the

    store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

  

     23.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you

     purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your

    trailer.  This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost

    considerabley more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

  

     24.  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in

     common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

  

     25.  Florida is not considered a southern state.  There are far more

     Yankees than Southerners living there.

  

     26.  In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud

    and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have

     mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

  

     27.  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,

     directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to

    drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the

    proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

  

     28.  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already

     know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off

    trying to find it yourself.

 


Redneck Etiquette:

 

- Redneck Driving  Etiquette -

 

 

 Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun  is

 loaded and the deer is in sight.

 

 When approaching a four-way stop,  the vehicle with the largest

 tires always has the right of way.

 

 Never  tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

 

 When sending your wife  down the road with a gas can, it is

 impolite to ask her to bring back  beer.

 

 Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially  when

 driving.

 

 Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your  kids can fit in.

 

 Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral  procession.

 

 

 - Redneck Personal Hygiene -

 

 

 Unlike clothes and shoes,  a toothbrush should never be a

 hand-me-down item.

 

 If you have to  vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

 

 While ears need to be  cleaned regularly, this is a job that should

 be done in private using one's  OWN truck keys.

 

 Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A  cigarette

 lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the  same

 goal and save hours.

 

 Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of  water handy when using this

 method.

 

 

 - Redneck Dining Out  -

 

 

 Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,  their

 mobile home costs just as much as yours.

 

 

    - Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -

 

 

 A centerpiece for the table  should never be anything prepared by a

 taxidermist.

 

 Do not allow the  dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his

 manners are.

 

 If  your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to  leave

 them alone for a few minutes.

 

 

 - Redneck Dating (Outside the  Family) -

 

 

 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first  date.

 

 Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been  wanting

 to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's  bathroom

 wall two years a go."

 

 If a girl's name does not appear  regularly on a bathroom wall, water

 tower, or an overpass, odds are good that  the date will end in

 frustration.

 

 

 - Redneck Theater Etiquette  -

 

 

 Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up  immediately

 after the movie has ended.

 

 Refrain from talking to  characters on the screen. Tests have proven they

 can't hear you.

 

 

 -  Redneck Wedding Etiquette -

 

 

 Livestock is usually a poor choice for a  wedding gift.

 

 Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a  wedding.

 

 When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it  is.

 

 A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective  but

 also a proven fly deterrent.

 

 For the groom, at least rent a tux. A  leisure suit with a cummerbund

 and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty  appearance. Though

 uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special  occasion.

 

 - Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -

 

 Never take a  beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

 

 Always identify  people in your yard before shooting at them.

 

 Always say "Excuse  me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

 

 It's considered tacky  to take a cooler to church.

 

 Even if you're certain that you are included  in the will, it's

 considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral  home.

 

 The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,  especially

 if other people are around.

 

 Always provide an alibi to the  police for family members.


Computer terms for Rednecks

 

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

 Bar Code - Them'S the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

 Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.

 Byte - What your pit-bull dun to cousin Jethro.

                - Whut them dang flys do.

 Chache - Needed when you run out of food stamps.

 Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

                - Them munchies you eat whal watchin the TV.

 Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

 Diskette - Female Disco dancer.

 Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife.

 Download - Gettin the farwood off the truck

 Enter - Notherner talk fer "Come on in y'all."

 Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.

 Floppy disc -  Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

 Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

 Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattos.

 Hard Drive - Memphis to Jacksonville.

                - Gettin home in winter snow.

 Internet - Where cafiteria workers put their hair.

 Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

 Kilobyte - Huntin' for food.

 Laptop - Whar the kitty sleeps.

 Log Off - Don't add no more wood.

 Log On - Makin a wood stove hotter.

 Mac - Big Bubba's favorite vast food.

 Mainframe - Holds up the barn roof.

 Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.

 Mega Hertz - When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

 Microchip - Whats at the bottom of the munchie bag.

 Modem - What ya do when the grass gets to high.

                - Whut cha did to the hay fields.

 Moniter - Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

 Mouse - Them things whut eat the grain in the barn.

 Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

                - That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

 Network - Scope'n up a big fish  before it breaks the line.

 On-line - Where to stay when taking the soberiety test.

 Port - Fancy flatlander wine.

 Prompt - Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

 RAM - That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

 Random Acces Memory - Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

 ROM - Where the pope lives.

 Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

                -Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

 SCSI - What you call your week old underwear.

 Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

 Software - Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

 Superconductor - Amtrak's  Employee of the year.

 Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.

 Windows - Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.


Redneck Medical Terms

 

Artery - The study of fine paintings

Barium - What you do when CPR fails

Benign - What you be after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A district in Rome

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Congenital - Friendly

Dilate - To live long

Fester - Quicker

G.I. Series - Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Grippe - A suitcase

Hangnail - A coat-hook

Medical Staff - A doctor’s cane

Minor Operation - Coal digging

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrate - Lower than day rate

Node - Was aware of

Organic - Church musician

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Post-Operative - A letter carrier

Protein - In favor of young people

Secretion - Hiding anything

Serology - Study of English knighthood

Tablet - A small table

Tumor - An extra pair

Urine - Opposite of “you’re out”

Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together

 


You Know You’re From Texas When…

 

You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ

Sauce and ketchup.

 

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans

and Cowboy Boots.

 

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

 

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

 

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

 

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90

degrees outside.

 

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are

filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads

to go "mudding."

 

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel night

gown with only  8 buttons.

 

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

 

The local paper covers national and international headlines

on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local

sports.

 

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr- Busters

and fries.

 

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat

processing plant.

 

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

 

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

 

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

 

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the

coyotes won't prowl on your deck.

 

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

 

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage

making.

 

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

 

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

 

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest

jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

 

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer,

and Deer Season.

 

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all

your Texan and Yankee friends.

 


Etch-A-Sketch

 

Subject:  Y2K solution...

 

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.  There are

many sound reasons for doing this:

 

 1. No Y2K problems

 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

 

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the

screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.

 


Microsoft


How things would be different if Microsoft's Headquarters Were Tenn.

   

     1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".

   

      2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer

      bottle.

   

     3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with

     a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

   

      4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right",

     "Naw", or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel"

   

      5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling

      Banjoes

   

      6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse

   

      7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear

     "Freebird!"

   

      8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would

      be Achey-Breaky Heart"

   

      9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"

   

     10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

   

     11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

   

     12. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

   

     13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a

      billionaire..."

   

     14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

   

     15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates

   

     16. "ParPawnt" would have "Pond Scum" and "Junk Yard" Schemes

   

     17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face

      to face with  12 gauge

   

     18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver

   

     19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters- "Down the road a

      piece"

   

     20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker "Hookt on

     fonics werkt 4 me"

   

     21. Development of Family Tree software would be replaced by

      the Family Straight Line

   

     22. New corporate dress code - no shoes allowed

 


If Restaurants Operated Like Microsoft

 

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What

seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with

a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of

bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;

how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with

the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the

fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm

running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

 The check:

   Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

   Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50

   Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

 


Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:

  1.  Windows: The colorful clown suit

for DOS.

 

  2.  Double your drive space: Delete

  Windows!

 

  3.  Windows and DOS: A turtle and its

  shell.

 

  4.  Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2

  give you the whole house.

 

  5.  A computer without Windows is like

  a fish without a bicycle.

 

  6.  Bang on the left side of your

  computer to restart Windows.

 

  7.  Error #152 - Windows not found:

  (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

 

  8.  I still miss Windows, but my aim is

  getting better

 

  9.  I'll never forget the first time I

  ran Windows, but I'm trying.

 

  10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains

  for Windows.

 

  11. OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up

  Gates.

 

  12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows?

  [Y]es [H]ell Yes!

 

  13.  Windows 3.1: The best $89

  solitaire game you can buy.

 

  14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into

  Drive A: and press any key to empty.

 

  15.  How do you want to crash today?

 


Gates and God

 

God calls together the three most powerful people in the

world: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. God says, 'I

am very mad at the human race, and I am going to destroy the

world.' God sends the three back down to Earth.

 

Bill Clinton gathers up his guys and says, 'Gentlemen, I

have good news and bad new. The good news is that there really

is a God. The bad news is that He is mad and wants to destroy

the human race.'

 

Boris Yelson gathers up his guys and says,'I had bad news

and even worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there

really is a God. The worse news is that He is very mad, and is

going to destroy the world.'

 

Bill Gates gathers his guys and says,'I have good news and

even better news. The good news is that God thinks of me as one

of the most powerful men in the world. The better news is that

we don't have to fix Windows '95!'

 


New Acquisitions

 

 REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations

made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today

that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States

of America for an undisclosed sum.

 

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive

arrangement for everyone." Microsoft representatives held a briefing

in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill

Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be

"minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned

division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July

of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable

by "Q4 1999 at latest," according to Microsoft president Steve

Ballmer.

 

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly

and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with

Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,

reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up

the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and

referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a

"proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their

"full support and confidence."  Clinton will reportedly be earning

several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president,

in his new role at Microsoft.

 

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond

as "silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for

the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft

headquarters.

Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be

abolished.  "Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how

well we're doing."

 

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was

proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking

place."

 

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United

States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in

government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

 

About Microsoft:

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in

software for personal computers, and democratic government. The

company offers a wide range of products and services for public,

business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it

easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full

power of personal computing and free society every day.

 

About the United States:

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful

nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy

and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,

the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft

Corporation.

 


Books

 

 Technological Report:  Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized

  Knowledge device called B.O.O.K.

 

  The "BOOK" is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no

  electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched

  on.  It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

  Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an

  armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much

  information as a CD-ROM disc.

 

  Here's how it works...

 

  Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper

  (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of

  information.  These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a

  binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  Opaque

  Paper  Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the

  sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

  Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in

  information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use

  more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn

  some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.  Each sheet is scanned

  optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick

  of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at

  any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never

  needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become

  unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to

  move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.

  Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of

  any selected information for instant retrieval.

 

  An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the

  exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has

  been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single

  BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

  Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user

  wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the

  number  of pages in the BOOK.

 

  The media is ideal for long term archive use, several field trials

  have proven that the media will still be readable in several centuries, and

  because of its simple user interface it will be compatible with future

  reading devices.

 

  You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an

  optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic

  Intercommunication Language Stylus (Pencils). Portable, durable, and

  affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the

  future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content

  creators have committed to the platform.

 

  Look for a flood of new titles soon.

 


Bad Times

Watch Out!!!

 

IF YOU RECEIVE AN E-MAIL ENTITLED "BAD TIMES", DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY!

DO

NOT ATTEMPT TO OPEN OR READ IT.  This one is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

 

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also

delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.  It

demagnetizes the stripes on ALL your credit cards.

 

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR

and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

 

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your

ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

 

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's

number.

 

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank,

 

It will drink all your beer.

 

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting

company.

 

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all

while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their

hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

 

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that

is fun until someone loses an eye.

 

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinnitus.

 

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to

passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change

the interpretations of key sentences.

 

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it

will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in

dangerously close to a full bathtub.

 

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and

pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

 

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

 

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to

smell like the BO of that gross person nobody liked in high school.

 

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

 

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

 

FORWARD THIS URGENT INFORMATION TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW IMMEDIATELY!!!

 


Santa


Rightsizing

Subject:        Santa's 1997 Corporate Letter

 

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the

early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern

about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring

decisions at the North Pole.

 

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole

no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.  Home shopping

channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share

and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit

picture.

 

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late

model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.  Improved productivity

from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is

anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of

service.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environment

emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received

unfavorable press.

 

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be

disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak

that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance

abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did

pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of

Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to

be under executive stress.

 

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North

Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.  Effective

immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the

"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

 

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be

the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging

plant providing considerable savings in maintenance.

 

The turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost

effective.  In addition, their romance during working hours could

not be condoned.  The positions are therefore eliminated.

 

The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves the

French.

 

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,

with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who

the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

 

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.

Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative

implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into other

precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks

appear to be in order.

 

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury that can no longer be afforded.

 It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per

day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three geese will be

let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure

management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

 

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.

The function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on order.

The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore

enhance their outplacement.

 

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy

scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being

sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no

upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try

a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

 

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will

be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

 

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the expense

of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest

replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen.  While leaping

ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because

we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

 

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of

the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback

on new music and no uniforms will produce savings, which will drop right

down to the bottom line.

 

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals

and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching

deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  If we can drop ship in one

day, service levels will be improved.

 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking

expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")

action is pending.

 

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary

in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will

request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven

dwarfs is the right number.

 


The Physics Before Christmas

 

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help

from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am

pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

 

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species

of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are

insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer

which only Santa has ever seen.

 

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT

since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and

Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378

million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)

rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One

presumes there's at least one good child in each.

 

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different

time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to

west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,

Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down

the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under

the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney,

get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that

each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth

(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our

calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per

household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to

do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding

and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per

second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the

fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a

poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15

miles per hour.

 

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming

that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2

pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is

invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can

pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see

point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job

with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the

payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen

Elizabeth.

 

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air

resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as

spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer

will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In

short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the

reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a

second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces

17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems

ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015

pounds of force.

 

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,

he's dead now.

 


"The Xmas-Files"

 

57 Elm Street

Bethlehem, PA

11:51 p.m., December 24th.

 

We're too late! It's already been here.

 

Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

 

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

 

You really think someone's been here?

 

Someone, or some...thing.

 

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.

 

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

 

There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

 

It's judgeing them, Scully.  It's making a list.

 

Who? What are you talking about?

 

Ancient myhology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.  Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward it's followers and punish transgressors with jagged chunks of anthricite.

 

But that's a legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children.  Sureley you don't believe it?

 

Something was here tonight, Scully.  Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man.  Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

 

It left crumbs everywhere.  And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

 

It gorged itself, Scully.  It fed withought remorse.

 

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

 

Appeasement.  Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop it's wilding.

 

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked, and there's no sign of forced entry. 

 

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

 

Wait a minute, Mulder.  If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.  The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

 

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

 

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

 

Exactly.  Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature.  It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head.  Its bloated torso was red and white.  I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

 

Impossible.

 

I know what I saw.  And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully.  It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!

 

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying.  Do you understand the repercussions?  If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

 

Scully, listen to me: It sees you when you're sleeping.  It knows when you're awake.

 

But we have no proof.

 

Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states.  The White House ordered a Condition Red.

 

But that was a meteor shower.

 

Officially.  Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody -- not even the zookeekper -- was told about it.  The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.  They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse.  Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.  They'll do whatever it takes to ensure another silent night.

 

Mulder, I --

 

Sh-h-h.  Do you hear what I hear?

 

On the roof.  It sounds like...a clatter.

 

The truth is up there.  Let's see what's the matter.

 


Kids...

 

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Lithium Fusion Missile

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

 

Rebecca <last name deleted and Gary <last name deleted

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person

sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write

the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the

first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The

first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and

forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order

to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a

conclusion has been reached."

 

---

 

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The

camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,

now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,

that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,

keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if

she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.

So camomile was out of the question.

 

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack

squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to

think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named

Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to eostation 17," he said into his transgalactic

communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so

far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed

out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The

jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across

the cockpit.

 

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he

felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one

woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth

stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of

Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space

Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news

simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,

dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and

carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her

from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around

her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she

pondered wistfully.

 

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership

launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted

wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament

Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the

hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian

ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to

pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly

initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered

the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile

submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,

felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and

85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the

conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that

treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

 

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My

writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

 

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts

at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

 

You total $*&.

 

Stupid %&#$!

 


Fun Things To Do


32 Ways To Be Annoying

                         (great at parties! kids love it!)

 

1. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their

complimentary mints by the cash register.

 

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage". 

 

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 

 

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while

talking to others. 

 

6. Sing along at the opera.

 

7. Staple sheets of paper together in the middle.

 

8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your

ears.

 

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce

that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 

 

10. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather

conditions "to keep them tuned up."

 

11. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if

they slow down.

 

12. Practice making modem and fax machine noises.

 

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 

 

14. Name your dog "Dog". 

 

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather

conditions "to keep them tuned up". 

 

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 

 

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors

upstairs for "violating your airspace". 

 

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a

"real hoot". 

 

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with

a can of Lysol.

 

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to

your boss.

 

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

 

24. Skip things and miscount constantly.

 

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with

prophesy."

 

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

 

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing

awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any

moment.

 

29. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across

the room.

 

30. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal

Howard Cossell voice.

 

31. Never complete anything.

 

 


More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates

                         (and other social catastrophes)

 

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give

the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who

reaches for it. 

 

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and

balance them in a tower on your table. 

 

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 

 

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 

 

5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 

 

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high

school yearbook. 

 

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 

 

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 

 

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they

are talking about. 

 

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms

outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 

 

11. Order a bucket of lard. 

 

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier

venues that use linen tablecloths. 

 

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 

 

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 

 

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins

talking about themselves. 

 

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 

 

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 

 

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate

than they do. 

 

19. Drool. 

 

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. 

 

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in

front of you. 

 

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head

waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of

the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally

finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long

in the restroom?!?" 

 

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 

 

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 

 

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the

subject up. 

 

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 

 

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. 

 

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening. 

 

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,

where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can

keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. 

 

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 

 

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

 

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper

shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table

that isn't bolted down. 

 

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 

 

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 

 

35. Auction your date off for silverware. 

 

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 

 

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your

food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the

potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another

potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later

in the meal. 

 

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. 

 

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and

use good judgement in

editing to twist their words around. 

 

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 

 

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or

just nonsense). 

 

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,

throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist

that they just need airing out. 

 

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take

one bite. 

 

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange

them around the table in a circle. Chant. 

 

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them

home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper

than actually feeding her. 

 

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 

 

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and

fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. 

 

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar

vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make

sure no one poisoned it. 

 

49. Accuse your date of espionage. 

 

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

 

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 

 

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the

bill. 

 

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. 

 

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. 

 

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

 

 


Garage And Yard Sales...

 

1.  Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When

they go to look for it, leave.

 

2.  Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

 

3.  Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color,

size, quantity, price and anything else about the

merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the

landfill!"

 

4.  Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking

around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high

enough, put it all back and leave.

 

5.  When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.

 

6.  When you see a sale, go home, round up all the

neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let

them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.

 

7.  When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the

block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a

dozen times.

 

8.  Ask for food and drink.

 

9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't

understand.

    Leave cursing.

 

10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without

making a purchase.

 

11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale

through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask

"Where's the garage sale?"

 

12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or

fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this

say "I've changed my mind" and leave.

 

14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales

Unfair to Retail Merchants"

 


Things To Do In Elevators

 

- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your

head.

- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

- Shave.

- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering

inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,

without getting off.

- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the

doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by

themselves.

- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm

handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it

stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft

go "plink" at the bottom.

- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then

announce:  "I've got new socks on!"

- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:

"Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your

nose.

- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say

"oops!"

- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce

"You're   one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the

elevator.

- Leave a box between the doors.

- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button

for them.

- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 

"through" it.

- Start a sing-along.

- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that

your beeper?"

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce

to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable

host body."

- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad

touch!"

- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide

it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

 


Caffeine Addicts Quiz

 

CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ

 

                               by: Chris Gahan

 

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)?

Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine

whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure

for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans,

hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that

doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone

else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to

Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will

allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number

of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember:

Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

 

(Please excuse the poor formatting; it was all done by hand. You can't trust

those auto-formatting HTML creators. They're made by communists, I tell

you.)

 

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

 

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

 

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

 

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

 

5.

     a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?

     b) Right out of the pot?

 

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee

related products?

 

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

 

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

 

9. Do you need coffee:

     a) ...to get up in the morning?

     b) ...to get out of bed?

     c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

 

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a

coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw

coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for

hands-free drinking.)

 

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac

towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?

 

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well

as by its frequency?

 

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get

your fix for the day?

 

14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your

heart?

 

15.

     a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?

     b) ...in more than five?

     c) ...in your bathroom?

 

16.

     a) Do the people at Starbucks refuse do give you free coffee cards

     anymore?

     b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?

     c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

 

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

 

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

 

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their

profits"?

 

20.

     a) Do you know Juan Valdez?

     b) ...and his donkey?

     c) ...intimately?

 

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

 

22.

     a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?

     b) ...that you don't like?

     c) ...because it's too frustrating?

 

 

 

 Response Ratio:

                                                  Addiction Factor(TM)

 

  Yes            No      Analysis:

 

  20-22          0-2                You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for

                                          life and you are very wise.

 

  17-19          3-5                You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's okay

                                          but it could be better and you are relatively naive.

 

  0-16          6-22                What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?

                                          Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Well, would you

                                           like some more TOFU THEN? How about some ALFALFA

                                          TEA?!? YOU COMMIE BASTARD!

 


Alcohol


 

5 Stages of Drunkenness:

       

   Stage 1 - SMART

   This is when you suddenly become an expert on every

   subject in the known Universe. You know you know

   everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone

   who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of

   course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This

   makes for an interesting argument when both parties are

   SMART.

       

   Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

   This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING

   person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You

   can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you

   and really want to talk to you.

   Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to

   this person about any subject under the sun.

       

   Stage 3 - RICH

   This is when you suddenly become the richest person in

   the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because

   you have an armored truck full of money parked behind

   the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of

   course, you are still SMART, so naturally you

    will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet

   'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone

   that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING

   person in the world.

       

   Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

   You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and

   everyone especially those with whom you have been

   betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you.

   At this point you can also go up to the partners

   of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of

   wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle

   because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're

   BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

       

   Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

   This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you

   can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You

   dance on a table to impress the people who you  fancy

   because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

   You are also invisible to the person who wants to

    fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the

   top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and

   because you're still SMART you know all the words.

       


Actual Alcohol Warnings:

   THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED

   THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE

   BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE

   POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

       

   1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

   wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit

   truck at 100 yards.

        

   2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

   dancing like an asshole.

       

   3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

   tell the same boring story over and over again until your

   friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

       

   4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

   thay shings like thish.

       

   5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

   tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying

   your butt at the office Christmas party.

       

   6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to

   believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone

   them at 4 in the morning.

       

   7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you

   wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants

   anyway.

       

   8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

   roll  over in the morning and see something really scary

   (whose species and or name you can't remember)

       

    9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause

   of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

       

   10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the

    illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than

    some really, really big guy named Psycho.


Why You SHOULD drink!

 We were right !

 

 A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the

 herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are

 killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,

 because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even

 improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

 

 In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the

 slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent

 epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol

 kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

 

  Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells,

 constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result

 of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between

 all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after

 a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most

 professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only

 those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic

 consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during

 their university years.

 

 So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge

 we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint!

 

 Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny

 yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all

 that you can be!

 


The Car

 

Son: What's up, Dad?

 

 Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car.  Did you do it?

 

 Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the

 car,"  that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

 

 Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night,

 and no one else has driven it since.  How can you explain the scratch?

 

 Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the

 car.  While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not

 scratch it.

 

 Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car

 against  the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping

 sound, saw you  get out to examine the car, and then drive away.  So

 again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

 

 Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it.

 Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car.  I

 stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

 

 Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the

 mailbox?

 

 Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street.

 I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact

 with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

 

 Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

 

 Son: No sir, that's not my statement.  I'll refer you back to my

 original statement that I did not scratch the car.

 

 Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a

 result of this contact?

 

 Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

 

 Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

 

 Son: No.  No, that is not correct.  Your question was "Did I scratch the

 car?"  From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of

 that sentence, I did not scratch the car ... the mailbox did...I was

 merely present  when the scratching occurred.  So my answer of "No" when

 you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did

 not volunteer  information.

 

 Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?

 

 Son: From the President of the United States.

 


The War Between The Sexes


Dogs VS Men: 

Sometimes dogs are better than men

 

Dogs easily express affection in public without

embarrassment.

 

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

 

Dogs look guilty when they've done something wrong.

 

When they're jealous, dogs show it.

 

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

 

Dogs don't "play games" – except games like Fetch –

and even then, they never laugh at how you throw.

 

Dogs are easy to buy for.

 

Dogs understand the word "No!"

 

Generally, you can train a dog.

 

Similarities:

 

They seem to think they've gotten their dishes clean –

without actually washing them.

 

They don't notice when you try a new hairstyle.

 

They seem to be suspicious of the postman.

 

They take up a lot of space on your bed.

 

They sometimes make embarrassing bodily noises.

 

They have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

 

The smaller ones tend to get nervous a lot.

  +

They have trouble explaining what's bothering them.

 

They don't seem to understand why you enjoy the

society of cats.


On Cats And Dogs:

 

CATS AND DOGS ARE LIKE HUMANS

What is a Dog?

1)  Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2)  They can hear a package of food opening half a block
away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3)  They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4)  They growl when they're not happy.

5)  When you want to play, they want to play.

6)  When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7)  They are great at begging.

8)  They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9)  They leave their toys everywhere.

10)  They do disgusting things with their mouths and then
try to give you a kiss.

- Conclusion:  They're little men in fur coats.

What is a Cat?

1)  Cats do what they want.

2)  They rarely listen to you.

3)  They're totally unpredictable.

4)  They whine when they are not happy.

5)  When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6)  When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7)  They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8)  They're moody.

9)  They leave hair everywhere.

10)  They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion:  They're tiny little women in fur coats.


Training Women:

 

TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN:

 

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

 

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

 

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

 

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His

 

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First

 

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

 

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

 

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

 

Telephone Skills: How To Stop Talking and Hang Up

 

Introduction to Parking

 

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space

 

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

 

PMS: Your Problem, Not His

 

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

 

Sex - It's for Married Couples, Too

 

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

 

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

 

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

 

"Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" – or, Why Men Lie

 

TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

And the latest addition to our training catalog:

 

How Gravity Works for You (formerly "Learning To Lower

the Toilet Seat")


1962 Quiz for Women:

1. Do you bring the names of other men into the conversation
to give yourself a sought-after appearance? Don't. This may
give a man a sense of inferiority-he is uncomfortable with
you and soon drifts away to someone else.

2. Do you wear clothes that are up-to-the-minute? Good-
provided the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the crazy
hat but they swell with pride when their lady companions
arouse admiring stares.

3. Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor? A great
mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into HIS
money.

4. How many comfortable chairs are there in your living room?
At least two I hope. No man can fall in love unless he has a
chance to relax and he can't if either of you sits bolt
upright.

5. Do you keep your men interested by hinting that later-not
tonight-you'll be really demonstrative? This is a low trick
and one that a surprising number of men see through at once.
If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not
as a reward for him.

6. Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he's good
looking or has such big muscles or is too, too intelligent?
Try and do it! Almost any man can stand any amount of
flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or suspicion.

7. Do you knit when you are having a cozy fireside evening
with a man? For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing
anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided
attention is best.

8. Do you either play bridge or dance really well? If not,
take steps to correct this at once. You're better off if you
do both well, but one talent is mandatory.

9. Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your
men friends at their offices? This is fatal.

10. Do you suffer from indecision when ordering dinner or
drinks in a restaurant with a man? This maddens men - learn
to make up your mind rapidly.

11. Do you appeal to a man's softer side by telling him of
your sufferings in business or the home? This is almost always
a mistake. Men don't like whiners.

12. Do you flatter your escorts by asking them to explain all
the plays at a football or baseball game? This is an
infuriating trick: read up on the game before you go and keep
your questions to a minimum.

13. If a man is obviously attracted to you, do you try to
nudge him toward a proposal? Don't. This has probably blighted
more budding romances than anything else a girl can do.

14. If you are splitting a check with a man, do you try to
conceal it from the waiter? By all means, yes; and from the
people at the other tables too.

15. Do you provide a little healthy competition by flirting
with a man's best friends? Try this and you will get in Dutch
with everybody!


The English

 

    An elderly French man was slowly walking down a countryside lane,

    admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted

    a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his

    initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring

    time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to

    watch remembering good times.

    Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!!

    Ze woman - she is dead!!", and  he hurried along as fast as he

    could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out

    of breath, to the Police Station and shouted, "Albert...Albert

    zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field

    making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri

    you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air,

    ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!  Zis is okay."

    "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this

    Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and, as

    the police car was being serviced, he ran down to the field,

    confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call

    the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, .. this is Albert I was in Gaston's

    field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre

    replied,"Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is

    spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert,

    still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze

    woman, she is dead!"

    Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine

    bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and

    jumped in his car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

    Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove

    back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the Police Station.

    He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the other two

    Frenchmen and said,  "Ah, mes amis, do not worry.  Ze woman, she

    is not dead she is English."

 


Success

Success is:

 

 At age 4, success is....... not peeing your pants.

 At age 12, success is...... having friends.

 At age 20, success is...... having sex.

 At age 35, success is...... making money.

 At age 60, success is...... having sex.

 At age 70, success is...... having friends.

 At age 80, success is...... not peeing your pants

 


SUBJ: Bug Report: Wife 1.0

 

 Last year, I upgraded my Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installs

itself as "Fiancee 1.0". Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and

it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be

running before 1 can do ANYTHING.

 

 It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system

resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and

PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

 

 Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-in-Law

55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of

these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although

other users have reported similar problems.

 Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the

headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend

5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as

all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before

attempting installation of 6.0.

 

 Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in

the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find

evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has

a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in

the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:

 

 * "Don't remind me again" button

 

 * Minimize button

 

 * Shutdown feature

 

 * An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled

if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, 1 don't think I will

be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide

to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a

whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0

on the  same system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk

thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0.

Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine.

Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling

itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming

insufficient resources.

 

 I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing

and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up

the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate

and we get along fine.

 


IRS Letter

The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return

and  denied two of my dependent deductions! I sent them the

following letter:

 

Dear Sirs:

 

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of

the three dependents I claimed on my Federal Income Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not

for years. They are evil and expensive.

 

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility 

that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care 

for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect 

over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me 

and reinstate the deduction.

 

This year they are yours!

 

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.

 

Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she

can answer peoples' questions about their returns. While she has

had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge

of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.

 

Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will 

now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, 

keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you 

have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of 

Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to 

school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy.

 

While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged 

mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the 

virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,

safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you

will be handling it in the future.

 

May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good

handle on the problem.

 

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes

are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax

examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.

 

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a 

police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were 

TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the 

local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do 

almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.

 

Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal 

with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days 

of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your 

phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his 

friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone,

and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.

DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,

inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.

 

(I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable 

amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

 

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared

quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going 

on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed 

clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.

 

Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the 

pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is 

expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it 

yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying!

It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so

they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror.

 

She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand

the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the 

hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends 

her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. This has added 

a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats 

backwards and pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four 

more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but 

I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, 

she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be easier to 

move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of.

 

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair

you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the

two youngest. I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense

but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, at least I'll have time

for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the

two girls, I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military

academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible,

as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover

the $395 in additional tax, and made a down payment on an airplane.

 

Yours Truly,

 


Election Time

 

It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the

facts about the three leading candidates.

 

--Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and  consults with

astrologists.  He's had two mistresses.  He also chain smokes and drinks 8

to 10 martinis a day.

 

--Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used

opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

 

--Candidate C He is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian, doesn't

smoke,   drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any  extra-marital

affairs.

 

 

 

 

 Which of these candidates would be your choice??

 

 Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR)

 

 Candidate B is Winston Churchill

 

 Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

 


Thermodynamics

 

  A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his

  graduate students. It had one question:

 

  "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

  heat)?  Support your answer with a proof."

 

  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's

  Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is

  compressed) or some variant.

 

  One student, however, wrote the following:

 

  "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

  So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell

  and the rate they are leaving.

 

  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,

  it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the

  different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these

  religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,

  you will go to Hell.

 

  Since there are more than one of these religions and since most

  people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project

  that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death

  rates as they are, we canexpect  the number of souls in Hell to

  increase exponentially.

 

  Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell

  because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature

  and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has

  to expand as  souls are added.

 

  This gives two possibilities:

 

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate

  at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and

  pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

   2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase

  of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop

  until Hell freezes over.

 

  So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss

  Theresa Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold

  night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the

  fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be

  true, and so Hell is exothermic."

 

  The student got the only A.

 


Reason #173 to fear technology...

 

       o         o         o         o         o         <o         <o>         o         o

      .|.     \|.      \|/     //          X           |\        |         <|>     <|>

       /\       /\       /<      \\       /<           \\       /<           \\      /<

 

Mr. ASCIIhead learns the Macarena.


The Five Dollars

 

  _________________________________________________

   |@~~~~   THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA    ~~~~@|

   |{5                                B35680933A                                  5}|

   |{~                                                                                      ~ }|

   |{                                       /  o o  \                                         }|

   |{                {B}                |           |                FIVE                }|

   |{                                        \  `=  /                                          }|

   |{         B35680933A            /%\                                            }|

   |{                                    LINCOLN                                      }|

   |{(5)~~~~~~~~~~~~FIVE  DOLLARS~~~~~~~~~~~~(5)}|

   -----------------------------------------------------------------


God: 

 

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order

 to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to

 answer the following questions.

 

 Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely

 confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address

 unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

 

 

Questionnaire:

 

1. How did you find out about your Deity?

___ Newspaper

___ Bible

___ Torah

___ Book of Mormon

___ Koran

___ Divine inspiration

___ Dead Sea Scrolls

___ My mama done tol' me

___ Near-death experience

___ Near-life experience

___ National Public Radio

___ Tabloid

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Other (specify): _____________

 

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?

___ YHVH

___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

___ Jehovah

___ Jesus

___ Krishna

___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

___ Allah

___ Satan

___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)

___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)

___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

 

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts

in good working order and with no obvious breakage or

missing attributes?

___ Yes

___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered

here.

Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal

___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

___ Not omniscient

___ Not omnipotent

___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

___ Permits sex outside of marriage

___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)

___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___ Requires burnt offerings

___ Requires virgin sacrifices

___ Plays dice with the universe

 

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?

Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents

___ Needed a reason to live

___ Indoctrinated by society

___ Needed focus in whom to despise

___ Imaginary friend grew up

___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

___ Graduated from the tooth fairy

___ Hate to think for myself

___ Wanted to meet girls/boys

___ Fear of death

___ Wanted to upset parents

___ Needed a day away from work

___ Desperate need for certainty

___ Like organ music

___ Need to feel morally superior

___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

 

5. Have you ever worshipped a false god? If so, by which

substitute deity were you fooled?

Please check all that apply.

___ Mick Jagger

___ Rajneesh

___ Baal

___ The almighty dollar

___ Bill Gates

___ Left-wing liberalism

___ The radical right

___ Ra

___ Beelzebub

___ Barney T.B.P.D.

___ The Great Spirit

___ The Great Pumpkin

___ The sun

___ Elvis

___ Cindy Crawford

___ The moon

___ TV news

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Other: ________________

 

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in

addition to God?

Please check all that apply.

___ Tarot

___ Lottery

___ Astrology

___ Television

___ Fortune cookies

___ Ann Landers

___ Psychic Friends Network

___ Dianetics

___ Palmistry

___ Playboy and/or Playgirl

___ Self-help books

___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll

___ Biorhythms

___ Alcohol

___ Bill Clinton

___ Tea leaves

___ EST

___ CompuServe

___ Mantras

___ Jimmy Swaggart

___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

___ Human sacrifice

___ Pyramids

___ Wandering in a desert

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Barney T.B.P.D.

___ Barney Fife

___ Other:___________

 

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to

preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

Which would you prefer (circle one)?

 

a. More divine intervention

b. Less divine intervention

c. Current level of divine intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

 

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters

and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1-5 God's handling of the following

(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

 

Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

 

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks

1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

 

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for

improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional

sheet if necessary.)

 

**********************************************

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to 

one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 

31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your 

Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one 

in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of 

beings entered).

 


Credits

Collected, organized (somewhat), and put in this nice easy package by:

Matthew Jackson

William Anderson

 

Thanx for providing some of this crud goes to:

Humournet

The Big Network (Joke-a-Day)

Mail-Bits.com

Shagmail.com

Deathclock.com  

L-Space.org

The Discworld books

Coolsigs.com

 

On a personal note, the ‘authors’ would like to thank:

Brendan Clougherty

Betsi (Zlana) Goutal

Tony Oteri

Ben (Tex) Ponder

Ben (Fiveball) Lucas  

John Hurst

alt.fan.prattchet

Terry Prattcher

Becca Gougian

Neil Gaiman

View Askew Productions, (Notably Kevin Smith)

Melissa (MeMe) Geffen

Maryann Belason

Heather (HeHe)

Pauline Van Goozen

Carl Angiolillo

Adam Freidin

Paul Angiolillo

Kate Buttolph

Mark Jackson

Nancy Jackson

B. Wayne Anderson

Carmen Valverde

Chris Jackson

David Jackson

Vincent Sabio

F Hochschild

R Vivens

D Snyder

F Fransisco

B Servatious

J Burge

 

Legal crud

All material contained herein is the property of the authors, excepting that which is otherwise recognized.  Permission to distribute this document is given so long as no fee of any kind is charged for the material, and the document is reproduced in its entirety.  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT REPEAT NOT PAY FOR THIS!  It can be obtained for free at several locations on the web, or email the authors for a free copy.    

People we would rather not thank

PHS Tower

                                                (despite the fact that they SUCK, they can be quoted)

Louise Penman

(unfortunately must be recognized as a major contributor, despite the fact that we ought to hate her)

Chatrwells (Daka)