All along I have been saying that following the antics of the various split-off Churches of God has its upside: it provides much needed comic relief from the burdens and rigors of our all too often less-than-exciting lives. But please, Mr. Dankenbring, give our poor aching sides a chance to heal, won’t you! Some of us have not quite recovered from your "serious" discussion in a past article of "Prophecy Flash" instructing us on how to properly keep the obsolete Jewish Feast of Tabernacles by building booths on our roofs, daily reciting the "Blessing of the Sukkah," etc. – all supposedly necessary to please God.

But Bill Dankenbring seems intent on fracturing our already overworked funny-bones. I can see right now that he’s going to show us no mercy. Nor his followers either, for that matter. His latest issue of "Prophecy Flash" (Jan-Feb 2002) brings to light one more old covenant area that the faithful have been negligent in observing: the wearing of tassels on the corners of their clothing.

"Speak to the children of Israel: Tell them to make tassels on the corners of their garments THROUGHOUT THEIR GENERATIONS, and to put a blue thread in the tassels of the corners. And you shall have the tassel, that you may look upon it and remember all the commandments of the LORD and do them, and that you may not follow the harlotry to which your own heart and your own eyes are inclined, and that you may remember and do all My commandments, and be holy for your God. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD your God" (Numbers 15:38-41, NKJV).

There it is folks, plain as day, right in your own Bible. And as if that’s not enough to convince the simple…er…humble-minded, just flip over to Deuteronomy for further proof:

"You shall make tassels on the four corners of the clothing with which you cover yourself" (Deuteronomy 22:12).

Yep, there it is, right from the scriptures. By now Dankenbring must surely have the rapt attention of his followers, as he brings another new truth to light. He goes on to tell the reader:

"In His Word, Almighty God clearly commands that His people wear special garments with "fringes" in their four corners. This command was for all time – "throughout their generations." Jesus Christ – Yeshua our Messiah [Yeshua: another truth Dankenbring uncovered] – said that this commandment is still binding upon God’s people, today, for He plainly asserted: ‘For assuredly I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot (Greek, iota, Hebrew , the smallest letter in the alphabet) or one tittle (the smallest stroke in a Hebrew letter) will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled [strange…I thought Christ said that he HAD fulfilled the law]. Whoever therefore breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches men so, shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven [I wonder if "teaching a false, legalistic gospel" would be considered breaking a commandment?]; but whoever does and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven’ " (Matt. 5:18-19).

But alas, Mr. Dankenbring has a solution to this problem, bless his soul. Not being one to allow the faithful to languish in a state of sin, he is virtually busting his buttons as he announces:

"Triumph Prophetic Ministries is thrilled to announce that beautiful prayer shawls – called a tallit in Hebrew, or plural tallitot [in case you want to be extra righteous and order several] – with the Biblical "tassels" or "fringes" – tzitzyot in Hebrew – complete with the blue fringes mandated by the Bible – are now available through Wally Masters, who creates each prayer shawl individually. They are beautiful, handmade, and complete with the symbolic white and blue threads and the knots at the four corners, picturing the 613 commandments of God in the Torah [613! – Oh no, more untapped territory for mining out gold nuggets of ‘truth’]."

So hurry, folks. These are sure to go really quickly at this price! Hey, maybe the faithful can even take the cost of one of these tassel tunics out of second tithe. And how much do you want to bet that Wally makes an agreed-upon "donation" to Prophetic Ministries from the proceeds of each sale?

A number of questions remain, however. Where in the scriptures does it say that "you shall have tassels on your prayer shawl only?" Doesn’t it say to have tassels on your garments or clothing – all, or at least some of them, not just one of them? And if Dankenbring wants us to believe that we need to be diligent in obeying Deuteronomy 22:12 regarding tassels, I wonder how he feels about the rest of chapter 22 of Deuteronomy? Aren’t these other verses also "jots and tittles" that shall not pass away till all is fulfilled? For example:

Deut:22:8 - "When you build a new house, then you shall make a parapet (i.e., per Webster’s: a low wall or railing to protect the edge of a platform, roof, or bridge) for your roof, that you may not bring guilt of bloodshed on your household if anyone falls from it."

Deut 22:11 – "You shall not wear a garment of different sorts, such as wool and linen mixed together."

Will a future Dankenbring article to his faithful followers reveal more "uncovered truths" as he points out how they are disobeying plain scriptures if they have built a new house without building a low wall around the roof, rightly needed to prevent the occasional roof repairman or errant child from falling off? If so, maybe he can also line up someone who call sell them a do-it-yourself parapet kit.

And how about verse 11 regarding mixing fabrics? Has Bill sworn off socks and underwear with elastic in them yet (not a pretty mental picture)? Are all his clothing of one pure fabric? If not, why not, as the scriptures are plain on this matter? And if he has, will he soon reveal this truth also to the "faithful" and then offer a line of "pure fabric clothing" at ridiculous prices? [As I recall, the WCG under the guidance of Herbert W. already gave this teaching a try a number of years ago, and decided to jettison the whole can of worms, scriptures be darned. After all, the church had to use common sense once in a while, didn’t they…and it wasn’t a teaching that was adding to the church’s coffers, for crying out loud!]

But why restrict themselves to just Deuteronomy chapter 22 – after all, they are to live by EVERY word of God, right? The next time one of the faithful has a son or daughter that has habitually been getting out of line and displaying a stubborn and rebellious attitude, shouldn’t they just grab them by the scruff of the neck and take them out for a corrective stoning session? After all, that should definitely get the young hellion’s attention, and it’s Biblical to boot!

If the local police try to step in, just point out Deuteronomy 21:18-21 to them. Tell them, "This was God’s way of handling teenage rebellion back then, when the 10 Commandments were given, and it certainly must be the best way to handle the problem now!" Or better yet, do the stoning out in some desolate place where no one will interfere. But wherever you decide to "off " your offspring, you mustn’t let the fear of the police or jail-time dissuade you. Repeating this mantra can help: "We are to obey God rather than man….we are to obey God rather than man…," as it will help in overriding your conscience…er…fear.

Now, my final question – the most important one of all: How many of Dankenbring’s followers (and old covenant legalists in general) will finally be exposed to one too many of Bill’s asinine articles, and will finally hike themselves up by their mental bootstraps, walk over to a mirror, and give themselves a much needed, mind-clearing dope-slap?

Till next time, here’s whistlin’ at ya! ;o)