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<![CDATA[Title: Star Trek Outtakes
Author: Tempest
Series: TOS
Rating: PG-13 for implied sexual innuendo and mild swearing.
Summary: I was told by a dear friend that writing something pointless would
get my creative juices flowing. Well, she was right, so I'm back to my slashy
universe of S/Mc slash. But I did write this, so allow me to present:
Bloopers from TOS. For these bloopers to be understood, certain changes and
assumptions have been made. 1) All of the characters are the same on screen
as well as off screen. 2) Spock and McCoy are lovers. 3) Gene Roddenberry,
although a patient man, has been doing this for so long that he has little
sympathy for the actors. 4) All of the characters are a little devilish and
like to give Gene a hard time.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; Paramount does. I own this story;
there is a difference. No posting without author's permission Flames and feedback welcomed.
For The World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky:
Len: I'm staying here, Jim.
Kirk: But Bones, these people are on a collision course.
Len: I'm kind of on a collision course myself, Jim. I'm staying.
Spock: Over my dead body you're staying Leonard. I won't let you. You're
spending your last year with me. It's bad enough you didn't tell me, but then
to run off with some cheap floozy? Can she really do the things that I do?
Can she, Leonard?
Gene: CUT! Spock, please just read the line as it says it. You've read the
script. He comes back to you.
The Paradise Syndrome:
Len: Spock, you need to get some rest, and if you don't do it by yourself,
I'm going to assist you.
Spock: Is that a proposition, Doctor?
Gene: CUT! Come on. Not everything has to do with your sex life. Read the
lines as they're written.
Take Two:
Len: Spock you need some rest.
Spock: Very well, Doctor. I shall get some rest, if it concerns you. <Walking
over to the bed> this bed is awful lonely, you know.
Gene: CUT! Please just try again.
Take Three:
<Spock and McCoy are sitting on the bed, kissing passionately>
Gene: Oh, CUT! Go take a thirty-minute break. And when you get it out of your
system, come back and do the line.
Miri:
Rand: When we were up on the ship, I used to try to make you look at my legs.
Look at my legs! <The camera moves to her legs, covered in purple blotches>
Kirk: Funny coincidence, Janice. You see, the only reason I wasn't looking at
your legs is because I was looking at your breasts. Let's see if they're
covered in the splotches.
Gene: Aw, CUT! Jim, please, you don't even have a line. You're just supposed
to have a look of pity on your face. Can't you do that?
This Side of Paradise:
Kirk: You're father was a traitor, from a race of traitors. A Vulcan never
existed who knew the meaning of loyalty.
Spock: <picking up a piece of heavy equipment> That's enough Jim.
Kirk: You're nothing but a computer.
Spock: I warned you! <Smacking him with equipment>
Kirk: <head hitting the ground, bruising badly> Oww, dammit Spock!
Gene: CUT! Spock, you're not supposed to hit Jim.
Spock: But he insulted my father.
Gene: You don't even like your father.
Arena:
Spock: Doctor, you are a sensualist.
Len: You bet your pointed ears I am!
Spock: And just what would happen if I let you near them?
Len: First I'd lick up the sides and then I'd-
Gene: CUT!!! None of that Len! None of it! If you guys need a break, just
ask. You two are supposed to dislike each other. Act like it.
Len: But how could I hate this face <He takes Spock's face between his hands
and kisses him lightly on the lips, then they both get involved and begin to
make out>
Gene: I don't need this. Take 5, err, 20 everybody.
Balance of Terror:
Kirk: Captain's log: 1063.04, we are currently in the twelfth hour of
silence. <Rand walks onto the bridge with coffee and miniskirt> I'd sure like
to show her a Captain's log.
Len: <off screen> Way to go Jim-boy!
Gene: CUT! I'm serious, guys. NBC has us on a deadline, and we need this to
be ready.
Spectre of the Gun:
Scotty: And these, Captain? <Holding up his gun>
Kirk: A fine specimen Mr. Scott. Hmmm, <taking his out and looking at it>
Chekov, think fast <shooting it at Chekov, a stream of water coming out and
hitting him>
Chekov: You are so dead, Jim. <Len laughs> <shooting water at Kirk. A water
fight ensues>
Gene: CUT! <Getting hit with water> Sigh, dammit, stop.
Plato's Stepchildren:
Chapel: I used to dream of this moment, and long for it. But now that it's
here, I'm scared.
Spock: um
Gene: CUT! Spock, you're supposed to reassure her, and then kiss her. How
hard is that?
Spock: I'm sorry Gene. I'm just having motivation problems. Perhaps if we
recast the scene?
Gene: No! I'm not having Len doing Christine's part. You can screw around
with him on your own time.
Len: <offstage> And we do, trust me.
Gene: <shuddering> Just try again.
Spectre of the Gun:
Spock: Is this a dead man, Doctor? <Standing over Chekov's body>
Len: <scanning the body> Very dead, Mr. Spock.
Scotty: <collapsing next to Chekov's body> No!!! <Ripping open his shirt>
PAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gene: CUT! Come on! Does this look like a Streetcar named Desire?
Mirror, Mirror:
Mirror Spock: Why did the Captain let me live?
Len: You look pretty cute with a beard, Spock. Anybody ever tell you that?
Gene: CUT! You guys are pushing it. If you don't behave, I'll keep you from
having any more scenes together.
The Naked Time:
Sulu: I'll protect you, fair lady.
Uhura: All right, Hikaru. You've been warned; nobody calls me a damsel.
<Taking out a sword and ripping off her clothes to reveal a fencing outfit>
Them's fighitn words. Come on!
Sulu: Ouch! Nyota, I'm just doing the script, ouch!
Gene: CUT! Nyota, what are you doing? Where did you get that? How did you
even do that?
Amok Time:
Spock: It's about biology.
Kirk: Biology?
Spock: Yes, Vulcan biology.
Kirk: You mean the biology of Vulcans?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: What do you mean Spock?
Len: <coming from the sleeping alcove> He means that Spock's kind of horney
right now, so where taking a two week vacation.
Gene: CUT! No, get out of there Len! So many things were wrong with that
scene. Where did you come from, anyway?
A Private Little War:
M'Benga: He knows what you're doing, but he cannot afford to take his mind
off the tissues he's fighting to save. I suppose he even knows you were
holding his hand. <He leaves>
Chapel: A good nurse does that. It shows she's interested. Aw, what the Hell?
<She pulls the not exactly conscious Spock into a kiss>
Spock: <awake and muffled> That's quite enough, Christine.
Gene: CUT!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Even Len hasn't molested him! I don't care
if you love him, you're not doing that again.
Len: <offstage> And if you kiss him again, you're gonna get a hypospray where
the sun don't shine!
If I get more writer's block, there should be more of these, until then...
Finit]]>
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