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He Still Lives at Home (3/30/02) I Got engaged this Christmas and was/ am planning a summer 2003 wedding, but now I'm having doubts. I have a 7 year old son and fortunately, he is not a problem. The problem is my fiance. He is 28 years old and still lives at home. I wouldn't mind this except that mommy does everything for him- laundry, pays the bills, makes his meals, even cleans his room. I'm afraid if we do get married, he will expect me to pick up where mommy left off, and continue to take no responsibility for anything. He doesn't know how to manage money, and I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, but I have lived in my own apartment, paying my own bills and supporting my son anyway I can for the past 3 years. I don't know why I never noticed it before but he also seems rather childish and selfish. He gets sulky or angry when I ask him to do something with or for me or my friends. And he's constantly talking about him being "The Boss" of the house and "what I say, goes" I understand this is the way he was brought up, but I can't live that way for the rest of my life. I want an equal partnership in my marriage. I made him a list of all the things that were bothering me and he just got angry and told me if I wanted to break up with him to give him his ring back. What more can I do? Or is it not even worth it?

Even for a loving mom, doing his laundry, paying his bills, etc. for a 28-year-old son is still a bit over the top. I lived at home for about a year while I went to secretarial school about 25 years ago, but was expected to do my own laundry, and help out with household chores. Since I didn't have a job at that point, I didn't pay anything, but my mother made it clear she expected me to be self-sufficient.

Whether you think it is "worth it" to keep the relationship going depends on what you want. Do you you want to settle for someone who in your own words, "takes no responsibility for anything, has no idea how to manage money, and talks about being the "boss" regardless of the fact that he contributes little to the relationship except to make things difficult? I think you don't. You deserve better, and just as important, so does your son. My guess is that your BF, once your husband, would start resenting him as well, although he may not be saying so now. Do you really want to take that chance?

It is often said that timing is a crucial factor in making a successful relationship. You said you wanted an equal partnership, but your boyfriend is more interested in a dictatorship. I don't see much chance for happiness in such a situation. Do you? He doesn't believe he has anything about him that needs changing, so he won't.

My suggestion? Give him his ring back, and end the relationship. Take a break from dating for a while, and focus on your son. I'm a single mom myself, so I know yours is a tough road to travel. But marrying someone who would likely make you both miserable just to have a companion would make things for you worse, not better.

Doubts (received 7/15/01) I have been engaged a year and a month. I have dated my significant other over 4 years. I am concerned that my mother does not approve because he's of a different race, she will not give me her blessing. My personal concern is he avoids sexual intimacy. Emotionally and intellectually we are on the same page. I just worry about the lack of passion. I sometimes feel we are platonic friends that cuddle. He has no concerns about our intimacy. I on the other hand am use to being sexually active and fear that something's missing. Can you help me? I don't want to settle. Marriage is a life long commitment.

I am more concerned with your fiance's avoidance of sexual intimacy than your mother's disapproval. Has he given you any reason for this? It sounds like you and he are on entirely different wavelengths in this area, and if you are feeling deprived of sexual activity now, do you really believe marriage will change him all that much? Frankly, I doubt it. You have already said he wasn't even concerned.

There are only two people that will enter into your marriage, you and he. Family and friends will be on the sidelines. Since you are on opposite sides of the field in such an important part of your upcoming marriage, I would suggest you delay it further until you can talk with him about how you really feel. It will not be easy, but you said it yourself; marriage is a lifelong commitment. Therefore, you want to make certain you are going to be happy in all the important areas. And if sexual activity is a high priority for you, that is what matters. Too many couples have entered into matrimony with unresolved issues causing unhappiness for one or both partners. Don't add your marriage to the casualty list.