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NASCAR Lingo Strikes Back
By Steve Wingate
Originally Published on Mike Calinoff's "Stock Car City"
One of my readers sent me an email a few days ago to ask me where I've been. My answer was simple-- two words: IN PAIN. Three days before the Daytona 500, I developed the dreaded "Toothache From Hell", and it rendered me incapable of commenting on or even enjoying the first two races of the year. The day after Daytona, I made my way to the dentist-- a place I dread visiting because (1) they always attack your teeth with a steel hook, (2) they always tell you that your mouth is in terrible shape and your need $400,000.00 worth of dental work, and (3) they have really sucky magazines in the waiting room. After sitting there for two hours in a waiting room almost as big as my broom closet, reading magazines with titles like Plaque Weekly and Molar World, I got called into the office.
When the dentist came in to see me, she took one look in my mouth and ran from the room, shrieking in terror. No, really… she told me that I had a very serious abscess that was horribly infected, then prescribed two weeks worth of antibiotic pills the size of hot water heaters. I was instructed to return in two weeks to have two molars extracted. Great fun indeed.
My point in telling you all this is in no way meant to elicit sympathy, but to tell you how the idea for this article was born. You see, when I returned to the dentist just two days before the Las Vegas race, they gave me these really great drugs to sedate me for the surgery. I was given two small blue pills and taken to the dentist's personal office to relax, or "trip" depending on how you look at it. After ten minutes, my hands went numb, but otherwise I was still perfectly alert. So they gave me two more. Fifteen minutes later, I was quite stoned and felt as though I had gained an extra four hundred pounds. It was then that the new "lingo" began to form in my brain. I was led from the office to the dentist's chair, chuckling to myself, staggering somewhat under my newly-acquired body mass. Even as the dentist was yanking the teeth from my mouth, I was giggling inside, thinking of the newest edition of "NASCAR Lingo".
Aero package: a new meal being sold at track concession stands across the nation. It consists of boiled cabbage, broccoli, and buttered beans.
"the big one": a biological event often blamed on the "aero package".
Aero push: a gentle shove, often followed by things like "Man, you're rotten!" or "Ewww! Go stand over there!"
Splash and go: any visit to the bathroom NOT made during a commercial or caution period.
Lug nuts: a rare disorder. Never mind… you didn't just read that. Go on to the next one.
Purse: much like the "apron", this is yet another poor choice of fashion accessory for male race fans.
Dyno: Fred Flintstone's dog ….isn't it?
Roof flap: what happens to the toupee-wearing race fan on the front row when 43 race cars blow by for the first time at 190.
Red Flag: "Gentlemen, fix your race cars!" (Sorry, Sterling…. I just couldn't resist that one.)
Hood tethers: an undergarment for female race fans.
Tear-away: a race fan's shirt at Talladega after the fifth or sixth beer.
Spotter: or "spot her"-- An eagle-eyed friend capable of spotting attractive female race fans from as far away as the front stretch grandstands to the back stretch stands. "Hey, Ed! Check out the blonde in 149C!"
Loose lug nuts: Drivers who try to fix their cars during red flags. (Contributed by Jan Bazen.)
That's about it for "NASCAR Lingo Strikes Back". As with the original "NASCAR Lingo", I'd like to invite any race fan reading this to contribute their own lingo. If you've enjoyed this article, be sure to send your thanks to Dr. Susan Wells in Warrior, Alabama. After all, she was the one who gave me the drugs. Not like I really needed them to begin with.
2002 Car Guy of Benchfield