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More NASCAR Lingo: Fans Speak Out
By Steve Wingate
Originally Appeared on Mike Calinoff's Stock Car City

If you have not yet read "Know Thy NASCAR Lingo", click here.

I'd like to start off by thanking everyone who sent in their ideas in response to the first installment of "Know Thy NASCAR Lingo", and to apologize for the delay with second installment.  As you may remember, I asked readers to come up with some wacky definitions for the following racing terms: Telemetry, track bar, war wagon, catch fence, HANS, spoiler, hat dance and drafting.  Well, I got some real zingers, and I'd like to share a few of those with you.

Marie Council wrote in with these definitions:

Telemetry - A toy for Benny.

Track bar - Place to buy beer at the track.

War wagon - Where Bill Weber sits while fans stand behind him making fools of themselves on camera.

Catchfence - It's purpose is to catch all those hot dog wrappers that end up on the fronts of the cars; obviously it isn't very effective.

Hat dance - What Jack Roush does when there's a strong gust of wind.

Drafting - Gulping down the beers you bought at the track bar.

Spoiler - A tire going down or any number of other occurrences that might spoil your chances to win.

Next up, we have a very disturbed individual by the name of Rick Eckart from Texas who sends in the definitions I wanted plus a few extras.

Drafting - the practice of slipping in behind someone in the beer line when the person behind them isn't looking. A sneaky move; it gives you an advantage and makes you "go" faster.
Special Paint Scheme - the art of convincing your wife that you should wait until May to paint the house so you can unveil it in time for the Winston.

Telemetry - Originally two words: "Tell Emetry." Used by the TV director as in "Tell Emetry to quit putting those goofy bubbles on the screen. It just distracts folks." Emetry never followed orders and bad habits became permanent vices.
Hat Dance - Originally orchestrated by Bill Broderick of Union 76, this practice mysteriously ended when George Lucas reopened casting for Chewbacca in the new Star Wars movies. It is widely believed that Broderick traded 109 octane for a chance to fly at light speed with Han Solo.

"Ding Dang 'Ol" - Frequently used in front of the word "wreck," these are the only three words that human beings can understand when Ward Burton speaks. Immediately realizing the PR value of it, Hershey's jumped on the bandwagon and named Ward the spokesman for their "Literacy Program."

Thanks, Rick.  I believe there's an orderly waiting outside your door with your hourly lithium treatment.  Okay, let's press on, shall we?  Time for Jan Bazen, who is the newest member of my "staff" at TCGOB to give us her definitions.

war wagon - where the Earnhardt, Jr, and Gordon fans meet to "discuss" their favorite drivers...

track bar - where you find most of Nascar fans or where Jr. keeps his keg of Bud iced.

spoiler - disgruntled race car drivers, synonymous with "poor losers"
hat dance - what Nascar officials do after wrecks

HANS - "having a nothing Sunday" used by race fans on off weekends; "having a nice Sunday" used by drivers and crews on off weekends.

catch fence - what D.J. needed at Sears Point.

drafting - what happens at the track bar

telemetry - the art of seeing how many commercials can be shown during green flags and the amount of b***s*** that goes on during yellow flags and when races are stopped for rain.

Al Girard, obviously another disturbed individual, had this to say:

Spoiler - Jeff Gordon always winning spoils the fun for the ABGers. (Anybody But Gordon)

Track Bar - I've never found one, but I hear that there might be one in the hospitality village.

Drafting - That's where the lead driver breaks wind.

Okay, Al…. So far as your definition of drafting goes…. Well, that depends on if the lead driver had chili dogs.  You're not related to Rick, are you?  All right… let's see what Jeff Armstrong has to say:

Telemetry: A word that commentators use a lot to sound really smart

track bar: Where you get all the really good drinks before the race, and
pay dearly for it.  

war wagon: The car next to you in traffic that will not let you over, thus
you declare war on them.  (Hey Jeff, didn't we run into each other at Talladega last year?-- SW)

catch fence: Those annoying fences they put around parking lots that keep
you from sneaking out the back way to beat traffic.  (It was you, wasn't it?--SW)

HANS: Stands for Have A Nice Sunday, which you do every time a race is on

spoiler: The driver who wins, keeping you from seeing your favorite driver
win the race while you are there in person.

hat dance: What you have to do to see the race when the guy in front of you
tries to dress like his hero, Richard Petty.

drafting: The art of ducking behind the biggest person in a crowd as you head back to the parking lots. The big guys can clear the paths for anyone trying to get out in a hurry.  (I knew it!--SW)

And last, we have Troy Brown, one of my fellow Alabamians who sent in this lone definition:

Hat Dance-- something you do while waiting at an endless restroom line as one of the bajillions of yellow jackets flies up in your face.

Well, that's about it for NASCAR Lingo.  I'd like to keep the lines of communication open on this deal, however.  Feel free to keep sending me your goofy NASCAR definitions, and I'll do another "NASCAR Lingo" sometime in the future.  

Also, I'd like to hear from fans about their favorite and least favorite TV commercials from this season.  I'm talking about the ones they play during the races, like the Budweiser "True" commercials-- you know, the ones with the "Howyadoon?" guys.  I expect, however, that the only folks who vote for the Bud commercials will be those who regularly consume large amounts of their product.  At any rate, vote for your favorite and least favorite and I'll show you the results in a few weeks right here on Stock Car City.

Originally Appeared on Mike Calinoff's Stock Car City

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2001 Car Guy of Benchfield
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