TCGOB From The Inbox Archives

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'"

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour!)

Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

______________________________________________________________________________________

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

_________________________________________________________________________

When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot

revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible

stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...I will use one syllable words

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until

you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may


	The Car Guy of Benchfield Home + TCGOB NASCAR! + Photo Garage + Links + Mad Mad Automotive World + Driving Songs + Humor Pages + Reader's Rides+ All About TCGOB + Contact Us TCGOB: From The Inbox Archives More Puns... Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Without geometry, life is pointless. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. Celebrity Quotes courtesy of rudefun.com I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." - Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." - Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour!) Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" - Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams ______________________________________________________________________________________ Wacky Definitions Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. _________________________________________________________________________ A Poem for "Guy" Friends When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are confused, ...I will use one syllable words to explain. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Home + TCGOB NASCAR! + Photo Garage + Links + Mad Mad Automotive World + Driving Songs + Humor Pages + Reader's Rides+ All About TCGOB + Contact Us