The Car Guy of Benchfield
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May The Card Be With You
by Steve Wingate
Email is such a wonderful invention isn't it? I mean, really where else would you get all the wonderful offers for products and services that no actual human would ever need? And the best part is, you don't even have to ask for them... just get an email account and they start coming. You get all these amazing offers for Viagra clones, hair growth supplements, breast enlargement, credit cards, worthless multilevel marketing scams, porno, bogus diplomas, penis enlargement, debt consolidation, home refinancing, sweepstakes, useless insurance policies, print cartridges, horse porn, transferring funds from third world financial institutions, cutesy over-cirrculated "please forward this message" emails, online investing, weight loss, anti-aging skin cream, copying DVDs and all sorts of other cool stuff. I actually become aroused every time I check one of my many email accounts because I never know what I'll be getting next.
Like the other day... I got an offer for Star Wars credit cards. Isn't that cool? You can get one with Darth Vader
on it or one with Yoda. Alright! Now you can go into debt with Darth. What really needs to be issued with these cards is some of Yoda's sage advice. "Hmmmm.... spend money you do not have you will." Or how about "Buy... or buy not. There is no charge." Or: "Away put your charge card."
on it or one with Yoda. Alright! Now you can go into debt with Darth. What really needs to be issued with these cards is some of Yoda's sage advice. "Hmmmm.... spend money you do not have you will." Or how about "Buy... or buy not. There is no charge." Or: "Away put your charge card." I think even Vader himself would have some harsh words for credit card users: "You do not understand the power of the charge card." Of course he may even work for the credit card company, what with the Empire dissolved and all.... a credit card company could be just the place for him. He could be working in collections... "Thirty days late? That's 114% percent interest compounded hourly. You agreed to 1.9%? I am altering the deal, pray I alter it no farther." He could do well as a CEO as well... couldn't you just see him at a shareholders meeting? If someone didn't agree with him, he could just pull that little trick where he makes people swallow their own tongues just by pointing. Gack!
You could do worse than to cut every credit card you own into microscopic pieces. I don't care if your credit card has Yoda or Bugs Bunny or Jeff Gordon or Marilyn Manson or who ever on it, destroy them. It is all too easy to be seduced by the dark side. One stupid, self indulgent large purchase (or lots of small stupid self-indulgent purchases) is all it takes to go over to the dark side of The Card.
Salesman: You want this, don't you? (He's patting a flat screen TV and licking his cracked dry lips beneath his hood.)
You: Gulp. (You don't actually say "gulp", or course... it's just a noise you make as you stare straight ahead, trying to resist the evil salesman's seductive tone.)
Salesman: Take it! Take your credit card and swipe it down. Give in to the dark side... it is your destiny. Your destiny to make absurd credit card payments even after you are dead. Buy the flat screen... give in to your lust.
You: Okay! Hahahahaha bibble bibble haha. Yes! Bibble bibble bibble! Gotta have it gotta have it!!!!!
WRONG! This is the part where you're supposed to shout "Never!-- I'll never turn to the dark side!" and cut the evil salesman's throat with your credit card, you wuss. You can't save the universe from evil when you're making $400 worth of credit card payments every month. Trust me, that flat screen will get old pretty quick-- especially when you can't afford electricity any more.
The good news is that I think I've found a way to use your Star Wars credit card without going into debt. I've found that it works wonders on a frosted windshield-- scrape that sucker clean in no time. Or the other alternative is to use the power of the force when you go shopping. Go ahead, get that flat screen TV, then when you get up to the counter and the clerk asks to see your charge card, just kind of wave your hand in front of him and say: "You don't need to see my charge card." The clerk will get kind of a blank look and say. "I don't need to see your charge card." Then you say: "I can go about my business." The clerk will agree with you. To close the deal, just say: "I can go now." And the clerk will say: "Move along." Then you take your flat screen TV and leave.
Of course, it would be a good idea to have your light saber ready when store security finds out what's going on.
2002 Car Guy of Benchfield