TCGOB--Howdy Tony! Welcome to Alabama

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Howdy Tony! Welcome to Alabama

By Steve Wingate

Originally Published on Mike Calinoff's "Stock Car City"

Note to my readers: When I first read of Tony Stewart's comment about Alabama race fans in FHM magazine, I was not outraged as most Alabamians were... no, I was rather amused. Needless to say, this highly sarcastic and satirical article began to ferment and take shape inside my noodle. Once I finished it, I sat on it until the Tuesday before the Talladega race then sent it in for online publication on SCC. It was a good thing I did too, because Tony issued a retraction the week before. I was able to slip the retraction into the article, and it worked beautifully. I have nothing against Tony Stewart, but I just couldn't resist having a little fun with him. I got mounds of e-mails from irate Tony Stewart fans everywhere... apparently, subtle literary devices such as satire are lost on your average web surfer. But if you, loyal reader, have come this far in reading my stuff, you are not an average web surfer and you undoubtedly understand such concepts and come to expect them out of me. I also know that you won't take me seriously like so many others did.

Yee Haw! And greetings to all my feller Alabamians! Lets all be sure to give ole Tony Stewart a big ole non-obnoxious Alabama howdy at Tallerdigger this weekend! See, in case none of y'all ain't heard, Tony don't think much of us here in Dixie.

Seems Tony done an interview fer some fancy-schmancy men's magazine that was prob'bly published in some place like New York City or Lost Angelease. You know, one of them men's magazines with enough of them ole stanky men's par-fume sample cards to gag a billy goat and pictures of plumb near neckid super models making come-tether faces at the camera. In this interview, Mr. Tony Stewart said he thought Tallerdigger had the most obnoxious race fans.

I coulda lived with him sayin' the fans are obnoxious, `cuz anybody who's ever been to Tallerdigger knows that them race fans come from all over, not just Alabama… you see more Michigan and Minnesota license plates at Tallerdigger than you would outside a bingo parlor in Florida. An' it gets so dog-blasted hot down here that sometimes we just can't control ourselves none too good. But nope, when asked which track had the most obnoxious fans he said, and I quoth: "Talladega. No brainer… It's in Alabama. Enough said."

Now hold on a minute, there Mr. Stewart… let me apologize to you on behalf of every Alabamian. We didn't know we were pesterin' you that much. We didn't mean to do nothin' to irritate ya, and we're all mighty sorry that we made a spectacle of ourselves last time you was here. And to prove it, I'm a-gonna lay down some ground rules fer this weekend.

Don't nobody, and I mean nobody ask Mr. Stewart fer an autograph. We don't want to bother `im, we want to prove that we ain't nearly as obnoxious as he thinks we are. If you do happen to see Tony, look the other way. You might irritate him or infect him with your obnoxious germs.

If for some reason you can't avoid getting too close to Tony, don't do no cussin', spittin', scratchin', nose-pickin', belchin' or other bodily noises. We need to show Mr. Stewart that we Alabamians are just as sophisticated as those fellers at that uppity men's magazine.

During the driver introductions, I don't want nobody booin' or hissin' or showin' yer middle finger. Don't nobody need to be droppin' their britches and showin' their backside neither… this ain't no night race… don't nobody need to be seein' the moon until later.

I seen where Tony was on the local news this week sayin' that he wuz "mis-quoted", in that girlie-man magazine. Yep, he says he meant that Tallerdigger fans are obnoxious "in a good way." Uh-huh… an' I got ex-sister-in-law that's ugly "in a good way" an' a '73 Nova that's blowed up "in a good way". Ain't but one thing obnoxious means, and that's uh… well, uh… well I'm pretty sure it ain't very nice.

I may not know exactly what obnoxious means, Mr. Stewart, but I know backpedalin' when I hear it. I know 'cause I'm married and have to do it all the time myself. No honey, don't get so upset… I meant your new hairdo looks like roadkill in a good way… a swelled-up possum is kinda purty dependin' on yer point of view. Or: No sweetie, I meant your casserole tastes like rancid cabbage in a good way… rancid cabbage is a delicacy in lotsa diff'rent countries like Cleveland, and Scottsboro, and…

Hey Tony… didja know the last guy who dissed Alabama ended up bein' immortalized in a Lynyrd Skynyrd song? I hear his career still ain't recovered.

You done hurt our feelings, Tony. I mean, if some high-folutin' magazine people was to ask me, or any Alabamian, what state has the most obnoxious race car drivers, nobody would just come off with; "Indiana, no brainer… it's up north. 'Nuff said." We're all much too polite to dump on somebody's home state like that…

…even if it is up north.

PS: I know you didn't mean it, Tony… but what can I say? You left yourself wide open.

2002 Car Guy of Benchfield

Home + TCGOB NASCAR! + Photo Garage + Links + Mad Mad Automotive World + Driving Songs + Humor Pages + Reader's Rides+ All About TCGOB + Contact Us


	The Car Guy of Benchfield Home + TCGOB NASCAR! + Photo Garage + Links + Mad Mad Automotive World + Driving Songs + Humor Pages + Reader's Rides+ All About TCGOB + Contact Us Howdy Tony! Welcome to Alabama By Steve Wingate Originally Published on Mike Calinoff's "Stock Car City" Note to my readers: When I first read of Tony Stewart's comment about Alabama race fans in FHM magazine, I was not outraged as most Alabamians were... no, I was rather amused. Needless to say, this highly sarcastic and satirical article began to ferment and take shape inside my noodle. Once I finished it, I sat on it until the Tuesday before the Talladega race then sent it in for online publication on SCC. It was a good thing I did too, because Tony issued a retraction the week before. I was able to slip the retraction into the article, and it worked beautifully. I have nothing against Tony Stewart, but I just couldn't resist having a little fun with him. I got mounds of e-mails from irate Tony Stewart fans everywhere... apparently, subtle literary devices such as satire are lost on your average web surfer. But if you, loyal reader, have come this far in reading my stuff, you are not an average web surfer and you undoubtedly understand such concepts and come to expect them out of me. I also know that you won't take me seriously like so many others did. Yee Haw! And greetings to all my feller Alabamians! Lets all be sure to give ole Tony Stewart a big ole non-obnoxious Alabama howdy at Tallerdigger this weekend! See, in case none of y'all ain't heard, Tony don't think much of us here in Dixie. Seems Tony done an interview fer some fancy-schmancy men's magazine that was prob'bly published in some place like New York City or Lost Angelease. You know, one of them men's magazines with enough of them ole stanky men's par-fume sample cards to gag a billy goat and pictures of plumb near neckid super models making come-tether faces at the camera. In this interview, Mr. Tony Stewart said he thought Tallerdigger had the most obnoxious race fans. I coulda lived with him sayin' the fans are obnoxious, `cuz anybody who's ever been to Tallerdigger knows that them race fans come from all over, not just Alabama… you see more Michigan and Minnesota license plates at Tallerdigger than you would outside a bingo parlor in Florida. An' it gets so dog-blasted hot down here that sometimes we just can't control ourselves none too good. But nope, when asked which track had the most obnoxious fans he said, and I quoth: "Talladega. No brainer… It's in Alabama. Enough said." Now hold on a minute, there Mr. Stewart… let me apologize to you on behalf of every Alabamian. We didn't know we were pesterin' you that much. We didn't mean to do nothin' to irritate ya, and we're all mighty sorry that we made a spectacle of ourselves last time you was here. And to prove it, I'm a-gonna lay down some ground rules fer this weekend. Don't nobody, and I mean nobody ask Mr. Stewart fer an autograph. We don't want to bother `im, we want to prove that we ain't nearly as obnoxious as he thinks we are. If you do happen to see Tony, look the other way. You might irritate him or infect him with your obnoxious germs. If for some reason you can't avoid getting too close to Tony, don't do no cussin', spittin', scratchin', nose-pickin', belchin' or other bodily noises. We need to show Mr. Stewart that we Alabamians are just as sophisticated as those fellers at that uppity men's magazine. During the driver introductions, I don't want nobody booin' or hissin' or showin' yer middle finger. Don't nobody need to be droppin' their britches and showin' their backside neither… this ain't no night race… don't nobody need to be seein' the moon until later. I seen where Tony was on the local news this week sayin' that he wuz "mis-quoted", in that girlie-man magazine. Yep, he says he meant that Tallerdigger fans are obnoxious "in a good way." Uh-huh… an' I got ex-sister-in-law that's ugly "in a good way" an' a '73 Nova that's blowed up "in a good way". Ain't but one thing obnoxious means, and that's uh… well, uh… well I'm pretty sure it ain't very nice. I may not know exactly what obnoxious means, Mr. Stewart, but I know backpedalin' when I hear it. I know 'cause I'm married and have to do it all the time myself. No honey, don't get so upset… I meant your new hairdo looks like roadkill in a good way… a swelled-up possum is kinda purty dependin' on yer point of view. Or: No sweetie, I meant your casserole tastes like rancid cabbage in a good way… rancid cabbage is a delicacy in lotsa diff'rent countries like Cleveland, and Scottsboro, and… Hey Tony… didja know the last guy who dissed Alabama ended up bein' immortalized in a Lynyrd Skynyrd song? I hear his career still ain't recovered. You done hurt our feelings, Tony. I mean, if some high-folutin' magazine people was to ask me, or any Alabamian, what state has the most obnoxious race car drivers, nobody would just come off with; "Indiana, no brainer… it's up north. 'Nuff said." We're all much too polite to dump on somebody's home state like that… …even if it is up north. PS: I know you didn't mean it, Tony… but what can I say? You left yourself wide open. 2002 Car Guy of Benchfield Home + TCGOB NASCAR! + Photo Garage + Links + Mad Mad Automotive World + Driving Songs + Humor Pages + Reader's Rides+ All About TCGOB + Contact Us