The Facts of Life

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Disclaimer: The characters of Hercules and Iolaus belong to Renaissance Pictures. No money is being made from this story. This story is written for entertainment purposes only.

Summary: This story was written in response to the November 2002 story challenge where Iolaus tells Hercules the facts of life.

Author’s note: This story takes place where I’d say Hercules is 8 years old and Iolaus is 10 years old. I hope you enjoy this piece of fluff and believe it or not the whole idea of having babies by unbuttoning your belly button came from my best childhood friend. One hot summer day when I was about 9 years old, my friends and I were all speculating about how babies are born. My friend Beverly knew that babies grew in mother’s stomach because she had seen her mother pregnant. My other childhood friend, Barbara then speculated that the babies then come out of the mother’s stomach by unbuttoning your belly button. And then Beverly added that it’s the doctor who catches the baby as it falls out of the stomach. And I was stupid enough to go along with all of this until I learned otherwise in school

So when Amorette came up with the November challenge of the ‘facts of life” well the above incident from my childhood popped into my mind and hence this stupid story was born. Boy was I a dumb kid!

CHAPTER 1

Hercules waves his hands around in disbelief as he exclaims: “Iphicles..I don’t believe you..babies do NOT come from cabbage patches..and some stupid stork does NOT deliver the baby to the mother!”

Iphicles, annoyed at his younger brother’s antics, puts his hand through his hair in exasperation as he argues:“Yes, babies do.”

Hercules stands on both feet with his hands planted on his shoulder in a gesture he adopted from Iolaus as he faces Iphicles and exclaims“Who says?”

“Mother says”

“ No way”

Iolaus interrupts Hercules and Iphicles’ argument“Hercules..calm down! I know where babies come from..As a matter of fact I heard the older kids talking in the playground and they tell me that babies come from a magical seed that only the mothers can eat. Then the baby grows in the mother’s stomach.”

Hercules looks surprised as his little eyebrows shoot into his hairline at this explanation of the facts of life “You mean I grew up in my mother’s stomach..how did mother get me out?”

Iphicles, ever the skeptic, gives Iolaus a scowl as he complains“Aw Iolaus..give me a break..I still believe Mother’s explanation…about the stork delivering the baby to the mother..and that the babies grew up in a cabbage patch...it makes more sense..besides where do the mothers get this magical seed from?”

“From the Gods..everyone knows that the Gods created humans..that it was Zeus and Hera together that created the first mortals..so it’s got to be Zeus and Hera that creates the magic seeds and tells our mothers to eat them to have babies! I mean look at Herc..his father is Zeus right Herc?”

“I believe Iolaus..after all Zeus did create everything..okay so what happens after the mother swallows the magic seed and the baby starts to grow in the mother’s stomach..what happens next?”

“ Well..the baby opens her belly button and the baby falls out of the stomach..then the midwife catches the baby and the baby is born.”
“Iolaus..what’s a belly button?” asks Hercules anxiously “I mean do I have one?”

“Sure..everyone has a belly button.” Iolaus carefully lifts up his shirt and points to his navel. “You see THIS is a belly button..your mother pulls the button out and the baby falls out of the stomach. Both Iphicles and Hercules give Iolaus a skeptical stare. Both shake their head in disbelief..both brothers put their hand through their hair at the same time.

Feeling uncomfortable under their scrutiny, Iolaus backs up his previous statement with “Oh come on guys..it’s really easy..you unbutton your belly button to let the baby out..just like you unbutton your shirt to take off your shirt..it’s that simple. And besides that’s what all the older kids believe! And if all the older kids believe that babies fall out of stomachs then it’s got to be true!”

Iphicles becomes convinced that Iolaus is correct. “Maybe you’ve got something there Iolaus..I’ll go home and tell Mother all about belly buttons and babies!” Iphicles runs to his mother’s house without a backwards glance.

From a distance, both Hercules and Iolaus watch as Iphicles stands on his tiptoes to whisper into his mother’s ears what he knows about babies. Alchemene then turns her head in Iolaus’ direction and gives him a quick wink before erupting in laughter.Alchemene, her blue eyes widened in surprise and then in amusement wonders where Iolaus gets such outrageous ideas.

In the meantime, Hercules explores his belly button with fascination as he realizes that he once lived in his mother’s stomach and then fell out of that said belly button. Hercules pouts as he regards his navel curiously “Iolaus do I have an outie or an innie?”

Iolaus pushes up Hercules’ shirt and takes a look at Herc’s belly button and examines his navel carefully “Herc..you’ve got an outie..just like me!
”Aw Iolaus, are you sure that only mothers can eat the magic seed and have a baby fall out of their stomach..I mean can I eat a magic seed and grow a baby in my stomach?”

“Usually it’s mothers who grow the babies and usually boys cannot grow the babies in the stomach because Zeus only gives the magic seed to mothers but since Herc,you’re not fully mortal..you are a half God so maybe it’s different with the Gods..Zeus had babies growing in his head and when the babies were grownup..the babies fell out of Zeus’ head..and Zeus is a boy god..so since you are part God..maybe someday you can grow a baby in your stomach or even maybe have babies come right out of your head! Zeus even had Dionysus fall out of his thigh so Herc you can have babies come out of your head, stomach or thigh or even vomit it out of your mouth..I remember the teacher telling us that Zeus made Chronos vomit the babies from out of his stomach so maybe Herc..you can vomit the babies out of your mouth too!” says Iolaus in a voice of authority.

“Vomit the babies out? Yuck! That’s disgusting Iolaus! Then the baby would be covered in smelly vomit goo..gross! I don’t think so! “ Hercules exclaims as he scrunched his face in disgust.

“You know Herc..it’s different with the Gods..maybe God vomit doesn’t stink and the babies come out smelling as if they were in perfume..after all we are talking about the Greek Gods after all!”

“Yeah..Iolaus you’re right..the Gods are different!”

Iolaus’ wisdom on all matters fills Hercules with awe. To Hercules, Iolaus IS wisdom. In Hercules’ mind, if Iolaus says it’s so, then it’s so. If Iolaus said that animals talk and tomorrow everyone would grow wings and walk on water, Hercules would believe it. For Hercules, the sun rises and sets with whatever Iolaus says or does. Iolaus is to Hercules the big brother Iphicles never was. Iphicles would always laugh at Hercules but Iolaus took the time to explain Hercules’ questions. And Hercules was deeply touched by Iolaus’ patience.

Hercules touches his stomach and says “Wow..that’s totally cool..I can grow a baby in my stomach just like my Mom! Someday I’ll ask my father Zeus for a special magic seed so I can have a baby that looks just like you, Iolaus..if it’s a boy I’ll name the baby Iolaus and if it’s a girl I’ll name the baby Alchemene..after Mother” crows Hercules.

Iolaus, touched by Hercules’ obvious hero worship, responds “Oh..Herc..gee whiz..thanks!”

Hercules hesitates as he scratches his head “You know Iolaus..I don’t think I want to have babies fall out of my head because I think it’ll give me a big headache! I bet Zeus must have had a big headache after he had all those babies fall out of his head! And I don’t want babies falling out of my thigh either..I need my thigh to walk with”

“You know Herc..I never thought about that! I don’t know about thighs..but I do know that Gods don’t have headaches Herc.so that’s why I don’t think you have to worry about that..if Gods don’t have headaches..half gods don’t either..so Herc..I think you can have babies either way!” Iolaus speculates.

““Iolaus, you are SO SMART..you know everything ! How did you get so smart?”

At that question, Iphicles snorts and bursts out laughing. In Iphicles’ eyes, Iolaus was just a short kid with a big mouth. Iolaus slaps Iphicles to shut him up and looks at little Hercules straight in the eye, his cerulean eyes glistening with mischief and answers “Talent, I guess..”

Iphicles continues to roll his eyes in derision at Iolaus’ comment. To him, Iolaus has nothing but talent.

“You know Iolaus..I’m glad that I have a good friend like you. Hercules gives Iolaus a grateful bear hug.

“Well Herc..that’s what friends are for..to give you the facts of life..” smiles Iolaus.

“Iolaus..what’s the facts of life?” asks Hercules. Iphicles could be seen snickering in the corner at Hercules’ usual stupid questions.

“Hercules..I just told you the facts of life” as Iolaus patiently tells Hercules without any anger or derision. Iolaus had to keep in mind that although Hercules was big for an 8 year old, he still had the mind of an 8 year old.

“Oh” says Hercules noticing the air of slight irritation in Iolaus’ demeanor and the outright laughter from Iphicles and not wanting to further annoy Iolaus, Hercules decides to save his butt and change the subject.

“Iolaus..let’s go play tag.” Hercules taps Iolaus lightly on the shoulder and shouts while running away. Hercules gently taps Iolaus on the shoulder and shouts “Iolaus, you’re it!” Right away Hercules runs away from Iolaus as Iolaus starts chasing Hercules around the garden trying to catch Hercules.

Alchemene watches the boys at play. That Iolaus..where does he come up with these explanations of babies and belly buttons..what will he think of next! Iolaus sure does have a wild imagination! Magic seeds indeed! Unbuttoning one’s belly button so that the baby can fall out how does that boy come up with such ideas! Hercules and Iolaus are good for each other..Hercules shyness, seriousness is complimented with Iolaus energy, enthusiasm and definitely his imagination. I’m just glad that he’s Hercules’ friend because little shy Hercules definitely needs someone to teach him the facts of life.

THE END