Martin Johnson. England.

Big Martin Johnson managed to turn up just four times for Linwood's 2nd XV. Each time he appeared he was pissed up on cheap cider and wine. He was famed for his drinking prowess and his incoherent jabberings on the pitch enfuriated many a referee and team mates. At one game versus Maclaren, Big Martin was standing on the wing muttering to himself, when the ball somehow landed in his arms. Martin looked at the ball and he then "had a little accident" in his shorts. quite literally. God knows what he had been eating but it was like rusty water running down his big drunken leg. As he walked to the try line and Scored the easiest try he'll ever score as no opposition would go near him ( He also smelled of peach thunderbird). He was quite proud of his faecus and to this day keeps those shorts (unwashed) on his mantle. He soon after left Linwood as he was sent to prison for a breach of the peace incident on Paisley High street which involved a small dog and an old hag called Agnes. I heard he found himself a club in Leicester. Probably still getting pissed up! Good on ya Martin!

Martin is no longer welcome as a Linwood player.