-Excerpt from the article "Feminist Fatale" by Paula Kamen
"I'm so tired of being tired,
sure as night will follow day.
Most things I worry 'bout
never happens anyway."
"Crawling Back to You" by Tom Petty
"Any life, no matter how long and complex
it may be, is made up of a single moment-
the moment in which a man finds out,
once and for all, who he is."
-Jorge Luis Borges
"Advice is what we ask for when we already
know the answer but wish we didn't."
-Erica Long
"Frightened of jumping in case they survive."
"When I fall" by Barenaked Ladies
"And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love."
"if i had my life to live over, i'd try to make more mistakes next time. i would relax, i would limber up, i would be crazier than i've been on this trip. i know very few things i'd take seriously any more. i'd certainly be less hygenic... i would take more chances, i would take more trips, i would scale more mountains, i would swim more rivers, and i would watch more sunsets. i would eat more icecream and fewer beans. i would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. oh, i've had my moments, and if i had to do it all over again, i'd have many more of them, in fact i'd try not to have anything else, just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of my day. if i had it to do all over again, i'd travle lighter, much lighter than i have. i would start barefoot earlier in the spring, and i'd stay that way later in the fall. and i would ride more merry-go-rounds, and catch more gold rings, and greet more people and pick more flowers and dance more often. if i had it to do all over again - but you see, i don't."
-Jorge Luis Borges
"And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh lord.... I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleep
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord... I'm not ready for this sort of thing"
-"Anna Begins" by Counting Crows
"You just call on my name.
And you know wherever I am,
I'll come running to see you again."
-"You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor
Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Quotations
Here are some of the funny chalkings from the opening credits of
The Simpsons. This is only an exert. If you would like to see the entire list, just click on Bart.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
I will not eat things for money.
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes."
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I am not a dentist.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
Hamsters cannot fly.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
I will not send lard through the mail.
I will not use abbrev.
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal. Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
I will not dissect things unless instructed.
I will not hang donuts on my person.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
I will not strut around like I own the place.
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding.
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things.
I do not have power of attorney over first graders.
I am not certified to remove asbestos.
Beans are neither fruit nor musical.
Nerve gas is not a toy.
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism.
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough.
"It's the heart that's afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream that's afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
And the soul that's afraid of dying that never learns to live"
"The Rose"
"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We chose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is seraching for us."
-Narrator, "The Wonder Years"
"And i was just wondering if you'd come along
hold up my head when my head won't hold on
i'll do the same if the same's what you want
but if not, i'll go."
-"the stone" by dave matthews band
"I wake up scared, I wake up strange,
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gunna change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange,
and everything around stays the same."
"Good Boy" by Barenaked Ladies
"Crazy, huh? Now you're talking semantics. What if I told you crazy was working 50 hours a week for 50 years, at the end of which you're told to piss off. End up in a nursing home, hoping to die before suffering the indignity of not making it to the toilet on time. Wouldn't you say that is insane?"
-"Con-Air"
"What makes your problems bigger than everybody else's?"
"They're mine." Ally McBeal
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled,
was convincing the world he didn't exist."
-Kevin Spacey (Roger "Verbal" Kint) The Usual Suspects
Woman: "Sir you are drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Indeed I am madam,
but in the morning I shall be sober,
whereas you shall still be ugly"
"She is not perfect.
You are not perfect.
The question is whether
you are perfect for each other."
-Robin Williams
Good Will Hunting
"Hey my love
do you believe that we might last
a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It tires,"
"Two Step" by Dave Matthews Band
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster
than any invention in human history--with the
possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
-Unknown
"That which does not kill us, defines us."
-Zero Effect
In 1997, the average woman measured 37-29-40. A department
store mannequin measured 34-23-34. Barbie measured 38-18-28.
The probability of a woman having Barbie's measurements: less
than 1 in 100,000.
-from "The Changing Face of Women's Health" exhibit at The Exploration in San Franscisco
"Well, I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame
If you've never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame
And though I'll never forget you face
sometimes I can't remember my name."
"Mrs. Potter's Lullaby" by Counting Crows
"So tired of this straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees."
"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
-Mel Brooks
"A dress makes no sense unless it
inspires men to want to take it off you."
-Francoise Sagan
"Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down
Ya - nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way."
"Heaven" by Bryan Adams
"I never made promises lightly There may have been some that I've broken But I swear in the days still left We will walk in fields of gold." "Fields of Gold" by Sting
"Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do what prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"
"Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money In My Hand" byPrimitive Radio Gods
"Don't say things in December that you'll regret in June."
-Billie Holiday
Pick up lines that may get you men killed
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you in the morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button . . .from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
15. Guy: "Would you like to dance"?
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body -- especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when we, dangerous curves ahead, or yield??
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me findhim? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor? . . . . Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. (tits)
(passed along to me by the funkus)
LOVE, n.: When, if asked to choose between your lover
and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
-Unknown
"Bush said, listen to this, he said, 'To see a gynecologist, you shouldn't have to go through a gatekeeper."...And Gore said, he thought a gynecologist was a gatekeeper.
-Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect
"Every Catholic school student I've ever met who becomes an
adult is well spoken, knows history, knows geography. It doesn't
matter how big the classes are. It's that the Catholics don't let
you out of there without teaching you something, because they
don't take any crap."
-Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect
"I feel fine enough I guess, considering everything's a mess."
"Pinch Me" by Barenaked Ladies
"An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one."
-Charles Horton Cooley, Life and the Student
"When one buys some of my artwork I hope it is
because they will wish to learn from it and not because they think it will match their drapes!"
-Christian Cardell Corbet, 1997
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
-Michelanglo
"Un croquis vaut mieux qu'un long discours."
Fr., "A picture is worth a thousand words."
-Napoleon
"When you are content to be simply
yourself and don't compare or
compete, everybody will respect you."
-Lao Tzu
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you have imagined."
Henry David Thoreau
"The future belongs to those who believe
in the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Worry is fake insurance, protecting us from things no real insurance can.
-Unknown
"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are;
because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star.
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far;
for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."
-Milton Berle
"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."
-Swedish Proverb
Alright ladies and gents, you're in for a treat. this is a great essay/rant sent to my by the funkster and written by her brilliant roomie. take a gander at what is floating around in this girl's head. i am sure you will love it. let me know what you think and i will definitely pass it on to the author. who knows, maybe she will send us more of her inspiring, titillating, and blatantly honest words.
"Why I Hate Boys" by Theresa
I'm sure I'm not the only college age girl living in the good ole U.S.
of A who believes that there are some serious problems with our male
counterparts. The worst of these cases, I believe, reside in the state
of Indiana, especially in the southern regions. Here in their dorm or
fraternity environments, they have overwhelming opportunities to learn
the finest points of assholology. I do not know if this is the case in
other states, but I have as yet to encounter a college age boy who does
not fall into one of these categories:
1. The Committophobic: this species of college boy seems sweet right off
the bat. For a good month it is apparent that there is nothing he could
possibly do to make you angry or upset. It would take something like
him running over your pet kitten on purpose to get you a little irked.
Then BOOM! It happens. The spark is gone from his eye, he becomes
complacent, and then...the most remarkable thing of all occurs. Somehow
there is an electrical disaster in his dorm/house and shit hits the fan.
I would really think about calling some electrical specialists in for
this one... Without warning his phone just goes haywire and doesn't let
him make outgoing calls. On top of that...he is no longer able to write
emails!!! Isn't that horrible!? It's as if his computer and telephone
were screaming at him, "She is not the right girl. There might be
someone out there, maybe someone really hot who wants to have sex all
the time, do your homework, cleaning, food preparation, and doesn't care
if you don't talk to her on any sort of a regular basis." Yes, girls,
the whole time we thought the guy was being a jerk, he did nothing
wrong. If you have any complaints, take them up with the phone company
or the internet provider.
2. The Pseudo-Dumbshit: this cute little fellow also seems great at
first, though not quite as charming as the committophobic. But once you
get to know him, you will have no doubt in your mind that this boy was
pretty far back in line when they were handing out brains. Oh, it's not
his fault...you can't possibly blame him for the stuff he comes up with
because it is apparently a medical condition with no cure. This boy
will say the darndest things, and the funny part is...you KNOW he knows
better than what he claims. But hey, it's not his fault. Here is a
classic situation: He hasn't been calling as frequently or he stops
talking. Any time you spend with him all of a sudden envolves only
making out, then awkward silences or nervous twitches when you mention
dating. Then he says, "Oh, I thought we weren't dating, that we were
just going to go out and have fun and see what happens. We're
exclusive? What? Um, I have to go now..." See, the poor sap had no
idea what was going on! Don't blame him...take up your bitching with
medical professionals who know how to deal with such a thing.
3. I'm-The-Shit-itis: this is a terrible, terrible disease that many,
many college age males cope with on a daily basis. For the most part it
affects athletes, but has been known to strike elsewhere. (i.e. Slimfast
complex victims) These boys live under the assumption that because they
have cute faces, muscular bodies, and dilusions that they may make it
big in the arena of sports, they never have to worry about the
consequences of their actions. I mean, can you blame them?
Professional baseball players have 57 ladies waiting in line every night
to bang them! How could a guy with this sort of potential (or so he
thinks) pass up that kind of situation? I mean COME ON! These fellas
have to prepare themselves for the big leagues by immersing themselves
in a consequence-free environment. So getting what they want from a
girl, then dropping her like a ton of bricks for some other bimbo is
a-ok. You can't make everyone happy, right? These guys are the shit!
They have every right to flaunt it in any way they choose.
Ok, these are three of the many conditions that college males are
afflicted with. Don't get mad, I mean, how could you be? They're the
innocent victims of some of the most viscious medical conditions this
side of the plague. So the next time you encounter one of these boys,
just let him be. He doesn't mean whatever it is he says.
But in actuality, what you need to say to the Committophobic, the
Pseudo-Dumbshit, or the I'm-The-Shit-itis victim is:
GO FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLE!!!! YOU DON'T DESERVE ME SO YOU CAN SUCK MY
DONKEY BALLS. I HOPE YOU GET THAT WHORE PREGNANT. I HOPE YOU GET
HERPIES! I HOPE YOU BECOME SOMEONE'S PRISION BITCH! Then, trust me,
you will feel MUCH better and you can move on.
Girls, stop the insanity and get real. College boys don't hold a candle
to guys like Noah Wyle or David Duchovny. Shoot for the moon, I say,
even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
LEWIS: Who are we calling, sir?
SHEPHERD: I'm calling the Organization of the United
Brotherhood of It's-None-of- Your-Damn-Business, Lewis.
I'll be with you in a minute.
quote from "The American President"
"there isnt a chance for happiness in marriage
or anything else unless you
accept people -and especially yourself-
for what they really are."
-mickey rooney
"Friendship is different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, it is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it knows neither criticism nor resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on a contract. So is marriage. Parents are bound by the law, as are children. But friendship is freely entered into, freely given, freely exercised. Friends never cheat each other, or take advantage, or lie. Friends do not spy on one another, yet they have no secrets. Friends glory in each other's successes and are downcast by the failures. Friends minister to each other, nurse each other. Friends give to each other, worry about each other, stand always ready to help. Perfect friendship is rarely achieved, but at its height, is an ecstasy."
-E. Ambrose Comrades
“If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else.” -Yogi Bera
“Peace is to be found only within,
and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all.
Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul.”
-Ralph W. Trine
You know you're from Indiana when...
These are pretty funny and for the most part, extremely true.
>> You think the State Bird is Larry.
>> You don't know what a "Pacer" is and have never even wondered.
>> You know that "Mellencamp" went to "Cougar" and back to "Mellencamp."
>> You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
>> There's actually a college near you named "Ball State."
>> You know Batesville is the "casket making capital of the world," and you're proud of it.
>> The last "g" is silent in any word ending in "ing."
>> You could never figure out "spring forward-fall back," so "Screw Daylight Savings Time!!"
>> Your feelings get hurt whenever someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is "P-U."
>> You know several people who have hit a deer.
>> You've never met any celebrities.
>> You've seen all the biggest bands 10 years after they were popular.
>> Down south to you means Kentucky.
>> You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Terre Haute."
>> Your school was canceled because of cold.
>> Your school was canceled because of heat.
>> You know what the phrase "Knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
>> You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are the master of Euchre.
>> You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
>> You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
>> Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off, and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
>> You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day ("Stoke the fire" and "fling open the windows" for the older version).
>> You say things like "catty-wumpus" and "kitty-corner."
>> You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave both of them unlocked.
>> You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
>> You drink "pop."
>> You know that bailin' wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
>> You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your "front" door.
>> Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups.
>> You think nothing of it in spring and fall to be stuck behind a farm implement driving on the roads.
>> High school basketball game draws a bigger crowd on the weekend than movie theaters, IF you have movie theaters.
>> Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
>> The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six for local sports.
>> Can repeat the scores of the last eight IU games, but unless the MVP is a
>> Hoosier, you are not sure who he is.
>> You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
>> You can name every one of Bob Knight's "exploits" over the last few
years.
>> You shop at Marsh.
>> Damon Bailey was your childhood hero.
>> The biggest question of your youth was "IU or Purdue."
>> Indianapolis is the "big city."
>> "Getting caught by a train" is a legitimate excuse for being late to school.
>> The Wabash river is the "biggest body of water" near your house.
>> You know several different definitions as to what a Hoosier really is.
>> People at your high school chewed tobacco.
>> Everyone knows who the town cop is, where he lives, and whether he is at home or on duty.
>> To get to school you had to drive on a gravel road, a road with several right-angle turns in it, or if you were really lucky, over a covered bridge.
>> People in your neighborhood really, REALLY like NASCAR.
>> You actually know what the CART vs IRL debate is about and have taken a side.
>> The vehicle of choice in your area is not a car, but a pickup.
>> You are a BIG John Mellencamp fan.
>> You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival.
>>You took back roads to get there. "Why sit in traffic"?
>>To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded piece of pork served on a bun with pickles.
TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN: 19 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN ... 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room. 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass. 4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd. 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. You've forgotten where you live. 12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink. 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka. 14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza. 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. 17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!). 19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Ladies pinch, whores use rouge."
- The Simpsons
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or
twice in her life to be thankful for a good one." -Mae West
"A woman without a man is
like a fish without a bicycle."
-Gloria Steinem
"All women become like their mothers.
That is their tragedy.
No man does. That is his."
-Oscar Wilde
"I think it's about time we voted for senatorswith breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough." -Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate
"If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply
of good women far exceeds that of
the men who deserve them."
-Robert Graves
If men knew all that women think, they'd be twenty times more daring.” Alphonse Karr
