TO HOLD YOUR HAND

I long to learn about 

All those little quirks

That make you - you.

I want to know 

HOW you think

and WHY

I want to explore WHAT 

You think about

I want to learn 

What side you prefer to sleep on

And your most favorite kind of food

I want to know

What makes you cry

What makes you sigh

And what makes you laugh out loud

I want to hear the stories

Of your successes

And your heartbreaks

And the dreams you haven't achieved

But most of all

I want to hold your hand

While you explain it all

Do I Exist

To meet you?

Do I exist

To love you?

Do I exist Destined to wander

Longing for your touch

Waiting for a day

That may never come again?

Do I exist

Only to have walked in the sun

For the short amount of time

That you held me?

Do I exist

Only to live with this

Bittersweet broken heart?

Do I exist

To live without you?

Today I sat down

And wrote out

All my hurts and fears

And I folded them into a boat

Then set it to sail on the calm lake

I sat back and watched it float out

To the center, then slowly sink

And I imagined all my fears and hurts

Slowly sinking too

Out of my life to the bottom

And I felt safe 

And alone.

Then I thought of you

So I wrote down all the reasons

I love you and the memories that still make me smile bittersweet

And why letting you go was right for you

Then I folded it into a boat

And held it in my lap

Until finally I admitted

That I'm not ready to forget you yet

To let you go from my mind or my heart

So that boat now sits

Alone as a reminder

On my jewelry box

Waiting for the day to set sail

For the day I can let the memories go

And allow my heart to heal 

And forget.

I miss

   - the way your eyes light up when you smile

I miss

    - the way you pull me close when you kiss me

I miss

     - the smile in your voice when I answer the phone

I miss

     - the way your tongue plays with your teeth when you're nervous

I miss 

     - the way you bounce your foot when you relax

I miss

     - hearing you strum a nameless tune

I miss

     - the rough feel of your hand in mine

I miss

     - your snoring when I try to sleep

I miss 

     - climbing up into your truck

But mostly,

     - I just miss you.

Memories flash across my mind

Painful to the heart

Devastating to the soul

You in the hammock

2 bottles of wine

A warm spring night

I felt so loved

You holding me tight

Under the stars 

Long kisses by the river 

The thrill of you so close to me

Sitting next to you

Curled up in the truck

My head on your shoulder

Peace in my heart

You strumming the guitar

The kids running wild

My head on your knee

Love floating on musical notes

My hand in yours

A shopping trip

Laughter and smiles

Ice Cream on your chin

You in my classroom

Balloons and darts

Smiles for all

Love bursting from my soul

Memories painful

Memories sweet

Memories held tight

In my heart

My heart flutters,

the pulse quickens

My mood lifts

From the simple touch of your hand

A smile from your lips

Puts a spring in my step

And I no longer feel alone

I thought of you

So I picked up the phone

I simply wanted to hear your voice

Put my mind at ease

To be reminded

What it was like

To hear you say

You loved me

But the operator's voice

Came on instead

Your number had been changed

Unlisted it has become

And I sat there stunned

Unable to comprehend

Out of your life

And my heart broke again

I hung up

And sat with tears

Running down my face

Then one by one

I erased your numbers from my phone

I just wish you were as easy

To erase from my mind

But mostly

My heart

And the tears still fall

This morning I woke

To the birds calling your name

And I sighed

Will my heart ever stop hoping

Wishing

Yearning

To feel your love again

I hear your laughter

In the wind

And imagine your face

Reflected in the lake

And I think

I've got to stay more busy

To fill my time with more constructive thoughts

So maybe

Just maybe

If I'm REALLY lucky

I won't think of you

At least as often

Maybe a minuet will pass

And I wouldn't think of you

At all,

But, I doubt it

But at least my mind

Would have something other than

The feel of your lips on mine

Or how I feel when you are near

To concentrate on

Maybe one day the birds

Won't whisper your name.

I think the nights are harder than the mornings

In the mornings I have the Hope to hear from you

To know that all is not lost

But at night, when the day is over,

I know, Hope for the day is exhausted

And the knot in my stomach just sits there

I can't find enough to occupy my time

Or my mind

So memories of you flood my exhausted brain

And I know it will be another sleepless night

Those are almost worse

Than the nights I dream of you

Back in my arms

I'm certain I know the story now

And it does

Simply break my heart

Yes, the nights are the worst.

I SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND

I really don't understand

The extremes

A part of me really wants to get in the car

Drive over and stand in your front yard until you talk to me

But I know, in my heart,

It wouldn't do any good

I stepped out of the way so you could find yourself

And I fear you ran straight to her arms

A part of me says it's where you wanted to be

But were afraid to let me go to find out

I loved you

Damn it, I still do

And I feel sick every time I think of where this has ended up

I long to look out my window and see you sitting there

Waiting for me to let you in

But I know

It's only a fantasy, a dream

I hate waking up from

I just don't understand

I guess I never will

I WANTED

I wanted many things for you

For all your hurts to drift away

For all your dreams to be realized

And for you to have someone who simply adores you

By your side.

I wanted to be free

To adore you without fear

To be able to trust

And love you - warts and all

But as time passed by

I waited for calls that never came

I looked forward to plans that never materialized

And I waited, and waited, and waited

I wanted more than that from you

I wanted more than that for me

I wanted you to act like you loved me.

Do you know the agonizing pain

Of a phone that never rings?

Do you realize how many nights I writhed in pain?

Only more painful were the nights you did call

And it was clear that on the phone with me

Was not where you wanted to be

Rushed conversations, half hearted attempts

The night always ended with my heart breaking

And tears forever falling.

How many weekends did we actually spend together?

How far into your life did you let me?

How many of your friends do I know?

I see now

I wasn't really a part of your life, simply a distraction

I wish I had known, I'd have simply walked on by

Because now I simply can't get my heart to believe

What my mind tells it to

It still listens for phone calls never placed

And emails never arrived

It believes you loved me and refuses to go on

Somewhere, somehow

I will find the strength to move on

To trust another with my very fragile heart

And he will have to learn

That although I leave the past in the past,

I do still run when frightened

How far I run away will depend on him

And his love for me

I hope he treats me with kindness

And holds me in his arms tighter than he should

I will need that encouragement if I'm ever to do this again

If he does, then I will long for his kiss

The way I long for yours now

And if he's successful in his quest

He will have my undying loyalty and trust

As you once had mine

But I doubt I'll ever trust again

I simply can't find the place where that

Strength is stored

So I'll store it in a box

High on the back of an imaginary shelf

Along with the memories

Of you holding me tight

Making me dream of a love

I could call my own

Of a man I could trust

I sat tonight at dinner

With my closest friends

And you were mentioned

Someone just curious to know

Where things stood between us

And tears filled my eyes

Suddenly for a reason only Fate can tell me

I remembered your tattoo, the one on your back

And how it matched the stamps I had put on my bed

So many years before

Simply because the design made me FEEL something

And I thought about how I used to lie in my bed

And feel like I was wrapped in your arms,

Even when I wasn't

Just because somehow you were in my life back then

When things were the worse for me

That sun offered me hope

Just as you did

A hope that someone could love me

That someone wanted me and would eventually find me

It was hope

And then, there you were carrying the mark

And I thought you were my Destiny

So I gave you my heart

Only to have you leave me

And my heart broke

I'll have to repaint my bed

Find a new hope

A new sign

And hope he treats my heart better

I hope he wants me in his life

As much as I wanted you in mine

Feeling sorry for myself

And why?
You were just a guy

You shouldn't be the end of my life

You shouldn't be the one who makes me

Give up Hope

But you were

I've never been so relaxed

I've never felt so much

Like this was where I belonged

As I did in your arms

And now,

Now I find I'm lost without you

I wish I could be found

Laying in your arms

Safe and sound

Loved and wanted

You were not the kind of guy

Who makes promises and keeps them

You were not the kind of guy 
Who I could trust my heart with

You were not the kind of guy

That I want to share the rest of my life with

You were not the kind of guy

I believed you to be

I want the kind of guy

Who can't just turn off his feelings

Who doesn't run when afraid

And who wants me as much as I want him

I wanted the kind of guy you can't be

Now all I want is for you to go

Far, far away

There might be sometime in the future

Where I'd be willing to trust you again

But right now, I don't believe it

I don't even want it

You made me believe in something 

I'll never have

You made me want you in my life

And then overnight

You took it all away 

And I don't know if I'll ever trust you again

I'm not sure I believe in second chances