Astronaught goes to the moon, couldn't get on, full moon.

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other, "do you know how to drive this?"

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Got drunk last night, it's my own fault for sitting in a cup of tea.

2 budgies on a perch, one says to the other, "can you smell fish?".

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

What's E.T. short for ? 'Cos he's got little legs.

A sandwich goes into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of Guinness, please" the barman says "sorry, we don't serve sandwiches".

A bear goes into a bar and says, a pint of................. lager please, the barman says, "What's with the big pause?"

Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco? It pulled a muscle.

A woman walks into a bar with a newt on her shoulder. The barman says "You've got a newt on your shoulder, love. What do you call him?" The lady replies "His name is tiny" The barman replies "Why Tiny?" The woman replies "Because he is mynewt"

Q: Have you heard about the magical tractor? A: It turned into a field.

Did you hear about the woman who drowned while eating her museli? She was pulled in by a strong current.

Q: What do you call a priest with a fast car? A: Rev.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot - A carrot.

What's the fastest piece of string in the world - con cord.

What's the widest piece of string in the world - Eu rope.