What's really behind the phony licorice.

I was in my local Supermarket a few weeks ago, when I noticed that a new kind of candy was being advertised. So I strolled over to the cardboard cut-out which was of a dancing red rope, and soon discovered that it was supposed to be some sort of new fangled licorice that looked like a piece of string. I picked up one of the bags of licorice, and begin to read the label. It claimed it could "Make mouths happy". I tossed the bag into my grocery cart, and began heading toward the check-out line. As I was being checked out, the clerk helping me noticed my bag of Twizzlers Pull-N-Peel, and told me that he had purchased a bag when they first began to sell them, and it had made his five year old son terribly ill. I told him that I was sorry for his son, but would still like my bag of licorice. When I got home, I unloaded my grocerys from my 60's Vanagon, and put them in their proper places in my house. I was soon lounging in my favorite easy chair and watching some cheesy movie titled "My side of the mountain", which starred some loud-mouthed kid named Teddy Eccles. I remembered the licorice that I had purchased, and thought I'd eat some while I watched the movie. I undid the bag, no, I ripped, cut, tore, gnarled, bit, and chewed on it until I was lying on my back in the middle of the living room screaming. I finally got it open by using my bandsaw which was located in my garage. After the great exertion that I had put into opening the crappy bag, I really didn't feel like any licorice, so I just layed it on the kitchen counter for later. When the movie was over I sauntered on into the kitchen looking for food. I noticed the bag of licorice, and tried to extract a piece from the bag. But was surprised to see them all stuck together. It really didn't look like licorice, but more like some kind of jelly. I attempted to eat a rope. The bag said Pull-N-peel so I pulled. But it didn't peel. I then gave a great yank on the rope and it finally budged apart from it's fellow ropes. You see, this new fangled licorice is attached to a bunch of other ropes, (A dumb idea I think). I'll bet the Twizzlers company thinks it's to much effort to undo all the other ropes from each other, so they make the consumer do it, a venomous swindle I think. Why those swindling Twizzlers people should know that we don't want eat jelly when we want licorice!, it's all a big snow job. Twizzler, just the kind of name for a no-good band of double-dealers.

I then begin to chew on the pasty rope. it had a foul taste, cherry and blood as you might put it. It was very disturbing eating such a gross candy while knowing it came from a no-good gang of quacks. After consuming one of the ropes, I found myself craving more of the noxious candy, and was soon at the store purchasing five more bags of the crap. And my bandsaw was buzzing as it opened bag after bag. After my sixth bag of Twizzlers Pull-N-Peel, I finally quite. I then began to feel terribly ill, and spent most of the day in my bathroom. I began to get an awful headache, which grew to be so bad that I had to call 911, an ambulance rushed me to the hospital, where I was put into intensive care for two days. When I got out of the hospital I discovered that the Twizzlers company takes no care in there facilities, and that they dump an addictive drug into their licorice so that we buy more. The true ingridients for Pull-N-Peel are:

White paint, aged cow blood, melted cottage cheese, rotten cherries, And of course the addictive drug. All of this is then mixed up, put through a mold and bunched up with some other ropes, and dried to a jelly.

Report compiled by the Consumer Alert staff

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