DISCLOSING A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE
By: Jennifer Kornreich
Whenever you have a communicable disease (even the flu!), the ethical
thing to do is to let someone know before you become sexually intimate
(or, if you're already in an ongoing sexual relationship prior to getting
your diagnosis, before you next have sex). That way, your partner can
make an informed decision about how to best protect against transmission
and so he or she doesn't think you're a deceitful creep when you
inadvertently give them a case of herpes.
If you have a bacterial STD (such as gonorrhea or chlamydia), which is
typically cured with a course of antibiotics, and you haven't yet become
intimate with someone, I think you can just quietly take your medicine
without making any announcements as long as you DON'T have sexual contact
(oral, vaginal or anal) with your new partner until a doctor has
pronounced you disease-free. However, you do need to tell anyone you are
currently sleeping with or have recently slept with, so they can get
tested and treated if necessary. Even curable diseases can have serious
medical complications if left untreated for long enough. You absolutely
MUST tell any current or potential partners if you're HIV-positive, even
if you're using condoms.
If you have another chronic viral STD like herpes or human papillomavirus
(HPV), you need, again, to let your partners know prior to sexual
contact, or if you're already in a sexual relationship, as soon as
possible. While condoms greatly reduce the chances of transmission,
there is still a distinct possibility that you can transmit these two
diseases anyway, because transmission is dependent on skin contact rather
than bodily fluids. while condoms can, when used correctly and
consistently, prevent fluid exchange very reliably, they do not cover all
the areas of flesh from which these skin-borne viruses can "shed."
What's more, it's possible to shed virus particles even when you're not
having active flare-ups. So it's really not fair to tell yourself you're
off the hook from piping up as long as you're busting out the latex or
have infrequent flare-ups.
HOW SHOULD YOU BEST TELL A NEW PARTNER, AND WHEN?
It has to be before you have any oral, vaginal, or anal sex. It it's a
new relationship, I wouldn't make it early-date conversation (unless, of
course, you're planning on having sex early on), but neither would I wait
until you both have months and your heaviest emotions fully invested
either. You need to wait long enough that the person knows and likes you
enough to absorb the shock and perhaps put it into perspective instead of
freaking out, but not so long that he or she will feel betrayed that
you've been holding back on a secret, or that you will be devastated if
they bail instead of dealing.
I also think you need to be very educated about your own disease and
armed with some relevant reading material for him or her to peruse.
Since almost a quarter of the American adult population has herpes (but
the majority don't know it, since they either don't know how to recognize
the symptoms or they're asymptomatic but nonetheless contagious
carriers), and since herpes is transmissible even with condom usage,
those facts might help your partner understand that people who are
neither promiscuous nor irresponsible can nonetheless wind up with an STD
- and that provided that the two of you take certain precautions, he or
she might actually have less of a chance of contracting herpes from you
than the next person he or she meets, who may also have herpes but not
know.
I'd start by saying, "I care about you very much and I need to tell you
something, and I hope you will be able to hear what I have to say without
shutting down. But since sex is obviously a possibility at this point,
we need to talk about a potential obstacle. I have herpes, and while I
know that must be a scary thing for you to hear, I'd like to help you
learn more about it."
An invaluable resource, for both you and your partner, is the American
Social Health Association.
