LANGUAGE OF LOVE
By Jennifer Kornreich
Question ...
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR SEVEN YEARS. Whenever my husband, Bruce, wants
sex, he dances around naked or just lies on the bed naked looking at me
expectantly. I used to have little desire for sex. Recently, however, a
man at work began hitting on me. I actually flirted with the idea of
beginning an affair (but didn't). I realized I do have a sex drive:
This other guy turned me on just with the way he looked at me. I've been
making extra efforts ever since to get more enthusiastic about sex with
Bruce, and I feel guilty about not feeling naturally excited by him. I
try so hard to be turned on by his goofy stripteases, but I just can't.
I've tried telling him that his childish behavior doesn't get me going,
and that in fact it's really annoying. I do love him. Please help.
Answer ...
I'm hearing anger and disgust from you rather than apathy or an utter
lack of chemistry, both of which would probably be more intractable
problems. I'm assuming you're angry because Bruce's ludicrous gyrations
and "let's-go" attitude make you feel unappreciated - whereas it sounds
like Mr. Man-at-Work looked at you with real hunger in his eyes. You're
disgusted, moreover, because Bruce can't or won't stop behaving like a
child in the boudoir, where a man is most certainly what you need.
On the bright side, your anger and disgust indicate that you still care
for Bruce, and believe that he's capable of giving you more.
(Resignation would be a warning sign that your marriage was in even
deeper trouble.) the other good news is that you stopped yourself from
having an affair, which probably would have just further confused you,
complicated your life and unfairly stacked the odds against Bruce.
However, anger and disgust aren't exactly aphrodisiacs, which would
explain why you're feeling so turned off. I doubt that Bruce fails to
understand the magnitude of your dismay if you've already had numerous
discussions. And unless he is brain-damaged, I doubt that he actually
believes that poor impressions of Chippendales dancers or lounging on the
bed and batting his eyes like a mock Odalisque are sure-fire ways to get
your motor running.
More likely, Bruce knows darn well how grave the situation is - but
instead of communicating with you and rectifying his behavior, he
continues resorting to it, passive-aggressively, out of his own fears and
frustrations concerning how he'll ever be able to please you now. In
other words, Bruce is initiating sex in such a way that if/when you don't
want him, he can tell himself it's because he is acting goofy, rather
than you're finding him repellent despite his best efforts.
It's a vicious cycle: His goofiness repels you, and your repulsion
triggers his goofiness.
So break the cycle. Don't just scold him for his unsexy behavior.
Instead, tell him what you would like. And think about what you would
like (and figure it out, please: It's not fair to make him jump through
hoops if you don't even know). say it in non-threatening, non-dramatic
ways: "It would turn me on if you stroked my body for awhile before we
made love" or "Sometimes I wish you'd just push me up against the wall
and take me" or "I had a dream last night that you were touching me like
this" are all constructive, encouraging ways to teach him - and I'd
venture, pretty hard to argue with.
By the way, you don't have to respond to his goofiness with ardor - but
you could lighten up and laugh with the guy once in a while. You sound
rather humorless , and I doubt that's inflaming his passions in the way
you'd like.
