INTRODUCTION

The term "codependency" didn't always exist. In fact, it is a relatively recent construction or label developed by those working with family members of alcoholics and other drug addicts. Attention was finally and rightly being paid to those affected by a loved one's alcohol/drug abuse. However, in efforts to better understand spouses reactions to addiction, many theorists and clinicians began viewing non-alcoholic family members as being "just as sick" (in a medical, not crazy, sense) as the identified alcoholic, and because the alcoholic was thought to have the "disease" of alcoholism, it became chic to label the disorder a "family disease" as well. Some perceived family members as being unwittingly entwined with, and contributing to, the drinking or drugging habits of the chemically dependent person. Thus, a new term was coined that sought to characterize the sometimes confusing thoughts and behaviors of partners struggling to cope with a partner's "dependency" on a chemical: CO-DEPENDENT.
Actually, the codependency movement may have been influenced (without giving due credit) by the thought of Karen Horney, a psychoanalytically trained psychiatrist and personality theorist. She proposed that some people adopt what she termed a "Moving Toward" personality style to overcome their basic anxiety. Essentially, these people move toward others by gaining their approval and affection, and unconsciously control them through their dependent style. They are unselfish, virtuous, martyr-like, faithful, and turn the other cheek despite personal humiliation. Approval from others is more important than respecting themselves. A person who views the world this way, then, could certainly be categorized by our modern terminology as codependent.

BACKGROUND

While the alcoholic is chemically dependent, the spouse is often said to be "codependent" because his or her emotional and behavioral existence is defined by the alcoholic and the alcoholic's behavior (Beattie, 1987; Kitchens, 1990). Spouses or partners reportedly "enable" continued alcohol abuse by protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of drinking and from outsider detection of the problem, and by providing alcohol to their partners to avoid conflict. Simultaneously they attempt to hold the family unit intact and try to prevent further drinking through various direct and indirect means.

In short, spouses are often caught in the double-bind of protecting and saving the alcoholic while persecuting them for their dysfunctional behavior and desiring to leave the relationship. In addition, codependency has popularly been thought of as an emotional sacrifice of the self to an individual or family, regardless of how dysfunctional it may seem. In essence, the notion conveys the sense that role boundaries and identities are blurred between individuals. It is assumed that this unhealthy interaction style begins within the family-of-origin and is carried into adult life.
Besides clinical observations and impressions, few research investigations have specifically attempted to validate role distinctions among couples affected by alcoholism. Some data do suggest partners of alcoholics may sometimes act as enablers or rescuers. This is inferred from empirical findings of decreased role functioning and task involvement by the alcoholic as their spouses overfunction and expand their role duties. That is, alcoholics tend to be less involved, emotionally and behaviorally, with their spouses and families. Consequently, nonalcoholic spouses perform more household functions than their alcoholic partners and must compensate for the abdicated responsibilities of the alcoholic. For example, in some studies alcoholics have reported less participation in family tasks than others desired, and spouses agreed with this perception.
When this becomes a habitual pattern, the alcoholic is in a sense reinforced for doing less and for drinking. Thus, theorists may have mistakenly labeled as pathological (i.e. codependent) the more active and functional roles spouses of alcoholics fulfill when the alcoholic's role duties are disrupted by drinking. Enabling generally means doing something that may increase the likelihood that an alcoholic or drug dependent person starts or continues using substances, or sending a message that the drug abuse will be tolerated or accepted (e.g., going to bars and drinking with the alcoholic). It can also mean NOT doing something that may have decreased the probability of continued drinking or drugging (e.g., rather than bailing a relative or partner out of jail, one might choose to let the drinker fully experience the consequences of their actions).

It seems role duties become expanded, or interactional roles may change, in order to compensate for the dysfunctional alcoholic. It is not clear, however, whether this happens out of necessity to keep the couple together and minimally functional, or if it is a manifestation of unhealthy overfunctioning that protects the alcoholic from role responsibilities which are feared by other family members to be unmanageable. Both of these reasons may be valid in some families although the latter interpretation is more characteristic of theorists who interpret spouses' actions as pathological enabling, or who view the spousal personality as codependent. From this perspective, spouse and family member behaviors are viewed as being just as sick and dysfunctional as the alcoholics, although it is acknowledged that these are, at least in part, constructed by the spouse as coping mechanisms.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CODEPENDENCY AND ENABLING

An important distinction here is that "enabling" implies a pattern of behavioral responses a spouse may engage in, while the term "codependency" tends to refer to (pathological, unhealthy) personality traits. Although the terms and their meanings are related, they can be theoretically and practically differentiated. Enabling behaviors are more reliably identified than codependent "traits", and do not require the observer to infer the presence of some intrapsychic pathology that drives the person to enable or submerge their identity with another (dysfunctional) person

VIEW EXAMPLES OF ENABLING OR CODEPENDENCY SCALE ITEMS

WHY CODEPENDENCY IS CONTROVERSIAL

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Even if it does "exist" as some type of personality disorder, many think it certainly is not a disease.

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Some of the characteristics associated with it appear to correspond to socialized behaviors that are primarily negative female stereotypes (e.g., nurturant, motherly, a caretaker of the family, unassertive, lacking in confidence and self-esteem, indecisive, self-sacrificing, faithful, choosing partners that need help and need saving etc.), so women's rights activists do not like the term and what it implies.

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Women seem to be over-represented in the ranks of "codependents" - while most partners of female alcoholics eventually leave the relationship, most partners of male alcoholics stay with their mate longer, or do not leave the relationship.

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The label is another way to "pathologize" or diagnose people as somehow being different or deviant.

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On the other hand, many people feel better when they can put a name to their painful experiences, so they welcome the label and derive benefit from self-help groups like Codependents Anonymous.

SUMMARY

Codependency was a term originally proposed to describe the personality traits of the partners of those who were chemically dependent (substance abusers). It has come to mean, among other things, extreme devotion, sacrifice, and attachment to another person in an unhealthy manner. It is argued that the concept of codependency can be traced back to the personality theory of Karen Horney. Enabling differs from codependency in that it is a term that describes behaviors that may maintain or facilitate the substance abuse of a significant-other.

Codependency is an internal, intrapsychic disposition that must be inferred from the often poorly defined beliefs and attitudes of the ``codependent.'' For this reason and others, the concept of codependency has been criticized but has proven to be a helpful metaphor for some people struggling to cope with a partner's addiction.

What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship

"Codependency is a dysfunctional emotional and behavioral defense system. When a society is emotionally dishonest, the people of that society are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional."

"Codependency could more accurately be called outer or external dependence. The condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources/agencies or external manifestations."

"The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life, with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings."

"In a codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel good about themselves. And, conversely, there is always someone we can compare ourselves to that can cause us to not feel good enough."

There are a variety of ways to describe the condition of codependency. Here are a few:

Codependency is:

At it's core, a dysfunctional relationship with self. We do not know how to Love our self in healthy ways because our parents did not know how to Love themselves. We were raised in shame-based societies that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong: with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. - then we were validated and got the message that we had worth.

In a codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel good about themselves. And, conversely, there is always someone we can compare ourselves to that can cause us to not feel good enough.

Codependency could:

more accurately be called outer or external dependence. The condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources/agencies or external manifestations. We were taught to look outside of our selves to people, places, and things - to money, property and prestige, to determine if we have worth. That causes us to put false gods before us. We make money or achievement or popularity or material possessions or the "right" marriage the Higher Power that determines if we have worth.

We take our self-definition and self-worth from external manifestations of our own being so that looks or talent or intelligence becomes the God that we look to in determining if we have worth.

All outside and external conditions are temporary and could change in a moment. If we make a temporary condition our Higher Power we are setting ourselves up to be a victim - and, in blind devotion to that Higher Power we are pursuing, we often victimize other people on our way to proving we have worth.

Codependency is:

a particularly vicious form of delayed stress syndrome. Instead of being traumatized in a foreign country against an identified enemy during a war, as soldiers who have delayed stress are - we were traumatized in our sanctuaries by the people we loved the most. Instead of having experienced that trauma for a year or two as a soldier might - we experienced it on a daily basis for 16 or 17 or 18 years. A soldier has to shut down emotionally in order to survive in a war zone. We had to shut down emotionally because we were surrounded by adults who were emotional cripples of one sort or another.

Codependency is a dysfunctional emotional and behavioral defense system. When a society is emotionally dishonest, the people of that society are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional. In this society being emotional is described as falling apart, losing it, going to pieces, coming unglued, etc. (Other cultures give more permission to be emotional but then the emotions are usually expressed in ways that are out of balance to the extreme of letting the emotions control. The goal is balance between emotional and mental - between the intuitive and the rational.)
Traditionally in this society men have been taught that anger is the only acceptable emotion for a man to express, while women are taught that it is not acceptable for them to be angry. If it is not ok to own all of our emotions then we can not know who we are as emotional beings. [Also traditionally, women are taught to be codependent - take their self-definition (including their names) and self-worth - from their relationships with men, while men are taught to be codependent on their work/career/ability to produce, and from their presumed superiority to women.

Codependency is:

a disease of lost self. If we are not validated and affirmed for who we are in childhood then we don't believe we are worthy or lovable. Often we got validated and affirmed by one parent and put down by the other. When the parent who is "loving" does not protect us - or themselves - from the parent that is abusive, it is a betrayal that sets us up to have low self esteem because the affirmation we received was invalidated right in our own homes.
And being affirmed for being who we are is very different than being affirmed for who our parents wanted us to be - if they could not see themselves clearly then they sure could not see us clearly. In order to survive, children adapt whatever behavior will work best in helping them get their survival needs met. We then grow up to be adults who don't know our self and keep dancing the dance we learned as children.

A dysfunctional relationship is one that does not work to make us happy. Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self. With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. We try to fill the hole we feel inside of our self with something or someone outside of us - it does not work.

Characteristics of Codependency

How Do I Know if I’m Codependent?

Effects of Codependency on the Mind and Body

Isn't Everyone Codependent?

Why Do We Become Codependent? What Causes It?

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