I bid salutations to the moronic masses once more as your favourite some-semblance of weekly column/article opens its metaphorical doors once more. Insulting you already? No, I'm not unnaturally keen to get going, readers, I'm actually a little peeved. Two days on the job and already someone dares to question my divine vision. Can't say I'm surprised, really. Lesser men have gone through worse for questioning the status quo. Christ for instance.
Anyway, this week/day/indefinable amount of time, I'm going to ramble about that most irrational of gaming tangs, all things retro.
Pac-Man- Son of Fun or Denizen of Darkness?
Most gamers who have some experience in this strange and sordid medium of entertainment fondly recall their first gaming experience, whether it be traditional starters as Pac-Man, Space Invaders, pong, or in my case, Centipede (though I admit I played it aeons after its initial release, it still was my first). They recall wasted 10p's and weekends down at their local arcade, reliving all the fun they had. And imagine the feeling of elation they get when they see that someone has re-released their cherished game. They ignore the fancy new modes and dig straight in to the retro goodness.
How those spectacles doth shatter.
People weep as they realise that Asteroids is just really bad vector graphics with crappy, repetitive gameplay, that Pong is as dull as watching paint desiccate, that Space Invaders involves just going left a bit, right a bit, and then shooting and that Pac-Man is just a tedious collect-'em-up. Furthermore Centipede is exposed as a totally confusing mess of pixels, Defender is as deep as a Saharan lake and the less said about Joust, the better.
But my dear readers, it gets much, much worse. Realising how mind-numbing these games really are, they begin to question their wasted youths. They wonder how much more they could have been had they only pursued more rewarding activities.
Disputable fact: Retro Game Related Suicides (or RGRS's as they are now abbreviated to) are up by 116%. In lesser cases, Regarede (derived from Retro Game Related Depression) can set in, where a poor individual may not utilise a computer or console for days at a time! I would argue that the latter is all the more terrible, as the victim suffers for much longer. The humanity!
Conclusion- the precursor to the welcome end.
So, my woeful readers, there you have the much lauded it. The only known cure for said depression is a tea-spoon of cod-liver oil and then being forced to play the abysmal PS1 game Hugo until you realise that your misspent youth wasn't THAT bad. However the juries still out on whether the cure is more terrible than the disease.
I've been Nicholas Paul Ashby, this has been my article and you must donate £16 a month to "The Regarede Prevention and Rehabilitation Scheme." Just send credit card details to evilcheesegod@hotmail.com.
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Nick