Salutations, dudes and dudetts, it is I, the charismatic, witty and social skilless Nicholas Paul Ashby aka Cheesegod. Now I doubt any of you know me, and that's a darn good thing, because that would mean you were aware of my presence in that little known thing called real life. And to quote George in Steinbach's "Of Mice and Men," "If I was related to you, I'd shoot myself," you being the ever-online mass of monitor hugging, light-loathing internet junkies that you are. Was that last sentence hypocritical? Damn straight. Am I making sense yet? No. Anybody give a gubbins? What's a gubbins? Dispersing with the snappy intro and rhetorical questions, here is the actual "content" of the article.

Most video games cast you in the role of a hero. Now before you start slinging me hate mail comprised of poorly constructed sentences trying to point out that in GTA and certain Legacy of Kain games, you're the bad guy, an anti-hero is still a hero, one whom is still pitted against other bad folk. But I digress. Be it Mario, Metal Gear Solid, Sonic the Hedgehog or Tomb Raider they all had their Bowser, Liquid Snake, Dr. Robotic (or Eggman, for you purists) and, well Tomb Raider was the exception. Let's face it, the only reason people bought that one was try and get the camera in a position where you could see Ms. Crofts cleavage. The point is, what did all these foes have in common? Their undeniably superior style and class when compared to their righteous counterpart, that's what.

Pour Exemple, would you rather be a fat little plumber with a "who-the-hell-is-he-trying-to-fool" accent or giant reptile that could grind his pseudo-Italian ass beneath his heel if he so desired? And who's going to meet the rich and influential, huh? The washed up, cig-chomping, moody emissary or the guy who has a small army and giant mech at his disposable? Bingo. And don't get me started on the small mammal vs. super genius angle.

The point is, these guys are the ones that should be the stars of the show. They all have that edge, that x-factor which makes the sneaky, devious and down right evil a cut above their noble, honourable stick-in-the-muds of peers. Take Vagrant Story for instance. Here we have the ultra-charismatic, super powered Sydney and a simpleton who couldn't even save his family from a handful of hoodlums and you expect me to be content playing with the latter?

Need further proof? Then let's look at a sample of the few games that break away from this infuriating mould. Dungeon Keeper cast you as the all powerful, seemingly unstoppable wicked overlord and guess what? People absolutely lapped it up. Dungeon Keeper found itself set as a bonafide classic.

Black and White allowed you to choose good or evil, setting your own path. Which is more telling? The fact that gamers found it easier to embrace the dark side? Or that the evil textures and models were just plain cooler? Furthermore, the game fell just short of being "up there" and knocking boots with the Final Fantasies, Populouses and company. Many theories were put forth; the buggy initial release, monotonous multiplayer or perhaps the lack of a gerbil creature. My theory? The path to the land of all things sunny and nice was left open.

So, my revolting readers, as you can see, that while the good guys often win in computer game land, the enemy goes down with infinitely more style and chic.

I've been Nicholas Ashby, this has been my column and you've been creeping me out ever since you got here.

(Nick)