Intro
I could write a snappy intro. I could fill it with little witty quips such as "Quake is a fitting name; that game is a disaster" and humorous wordplay such as "Half [the] Life [span of a pig at a German traditional foodstuffs convention]" but I think that those sort of comments are below an inspirational leader, modern day prophet and all round great guy such as me. Especially one with such a charitable nature. The other day, I offered to clean up all the immorality of the world by having the entire internet's porn collection taken offline and then storing all the backups myself for safe keeping. That's just the kind of chap that I am.
While I could entertain you all day with anecdotes of my benevolent deeds (how Ghandi thanked me for taking that bullet) I unfortunately have an article to jot down. This time around I shall be presenting to you irrefutable evidence that First Person Shooters are the single most over-rated genre of games since those irritating push-the-button-now "games" that used to clog up Sega's long forgotten 32x.
Mechanics
To make this manageable for your meagre minds (dig that funky alliteration), firstly cast those soulless peepers of yours towards the mechanics of a typical Flipping Pointless Snoozefess.
Ok, you can shoot things. Bad things, usually in the form of aliens, mutants, monsters et al. How very droll. This is often interspersed with a bit of running. At relatively exciting times you may be required to both shoot AND run. Wows aplenty. Very, very occasionally , you could also have traipse backwards and forwards to pick up a key. I'm ecstatic at the mere prospect. Really. Its no wonder the tedium of single player gets too much even for Joe or Janie Gamesplayer, who tend to be excited by the likelihood that a piece of lint could go floating on by.
"But", I hear you cry, "what about the fabulous multiplayer?" Ah yes. Not only can you both run AND shoot, you can run AND shoot at 5 times the lag with your internet junkie peers, whose delightful and humorous banter consist of screaming "U r teh suk!!1!1!1!" "0wn3d!!!1!" and "I @m teh alpha & teh Om3gA!!!" Strangely, I care not for it.
"Ah, but surely", you utter, my cocksure foe, "Surely the ability to mod these games beyond recognition is a redeeming feature, no?" If running AND shooting with ever so slightly different weapons and maps is attractive to you, of course. As for those of us whom are not plants, of course not.
The Online "Community"
Think I'm finished bashing the net-know-nothings yet? Is Gordon Brown ever going to get into number 10 in any capacity that is not as Tony Blair's tea boy? If there is a single positive characteristic that these "people" posses, it's small enough to hide behind my genitalia undetected.
For one, it's their people skills, even over the medium of the Internet. Typically, they "speak" in an incomprehensibly complex series of numbers of letters (the ever-amusing oxymoron of a name for which is "leet," derived from the word "elite"). I presume this is where they concentrate their intellect, because it's definitely not evident anywhere else. I've mentioned their typical discourse above, but that's if they like you. Insults tend to be crude, usually questioning the victims sexuality, which is obviously hilarious on some other level (i.e. a much lower one).
Then there's the hygiene. A thick layer of grease (1 ½ inches deep in some places) covers the spotty countenance, the hairy upper lip (regardless of gender) routinely chomping on some 99% fat treat. The less said about the bulbous frame upon which the head bearing this unseemly face rests, the better.
Conclusion
If thus far your not convinced, doubting doofus, then you are unfortunately one of THEM, who unquestionably suffers from the afflictions mentioned above and enjoys this most lowly of computer game genres. However, have no fear; said state can be cured with the employment of a tactically placed noose.
I've been fantastic, this has been my column and all of your self doubt is valid.
(Nick)