Assertiveness

This document aims to:

1. Let you appreciate the differences between submissive, aggressive, and assertive behaviour
2. Show you how to practice the skills of assertiveness.
3. Familiarise you with different assertiveness techniques.

• Assertive, Submissive, and Aggressive behaviour.

• Body Language.

• Effects of different behaviours.

• Assertiveness: How to do it.

1. Saying no.
2. Broken record.
3. Fogging.
4. Discrepancy assertion.

• Assertiveness scenarios.

• Assertiveness Inventory.

Assertive, Submissive, and Aggressive behaviour.

The way we behave in different circumstances and conditions can be termed under three different ‘types’ of behaviour – Submissive, Assertive and Aggressive. We all exhibit these three types of behaviour in different circumstances, though we may tend to emphasise one of them more than the others.

Submissive behaviour

Submissive behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who attempt to gain the approval of others and avoid hurting or upsetting anyone.

People who demonstrate submissive behaviour:

• Tend not to stand up for themselves.
• They may express their views in a very cautious or mild manner, or they may not express them at all.
• People who behave submissively usually allow others to push ahead of them in career terms and allow others to take credit for work they themselves have completed. They may well resent such actions but are too compliant to do anything about it.

Typical submissive statements:

"I’m sorry to take up your time but…"

"Would you be upset if we…"

"Its only my opinion but…"

Aggressive behaviour

Aggressive behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who have little or no concern for other peoples ideas, feelings and needs.

Aggressive behaviour:

• can involve the use of sarcasm,
• the adoption of a patronising attitude,
• placing the blame for problems and mistakes on someone else
• And even verbal hostility and abuse.

Typical aggressive statements:

"Don’t ask questions – just do it…"

"That’s stupid."

"Its nothing to do with me – its all your fault."

Assertive behaviour

Assertive behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who respect the rights of other people to express their ideas, feelings, and needs, while at the same time recognising that they too have the right to express and pursue such matters. Being assertive means:

• Being honest with yourself and others.
• It means having the ability to say directly what you want, need, or feel, but not at the expense of others.
• It means having confidence in yourself and being positive, while at the same time understanding other peoples points of view.
• Being able to negotiate and reach workable compromises.
• Having self-respect and respect for other people.

Typical assertive statements:

"I believe that… what do you think?"

"I would like to…"

"What can we do to resolve this problem?"

Body Language

The differences between Assertive, Aggressive and Passive body language.

Effects of different behaviours

Aggression

Passivity

Assertion

Assertiveness

How to do it

There are three simple steps to assertiveness. It is important that individuals learning to be assertive understand and practise all three and in order. It will seem a lot to learn and rather cumbersome at first, very much like learning to drive a car. At the start there seems so much to take in and do, but with practice it becomes almost second nature.

Step 1

Actively listen to what is being said then show the other person that you both hear and understand them.

Step 2

Say what you think or what you feel.

Step 3.

Say what you want to happen.

Step one forces you to focus on the other person and not use the time they are talking to build up a defence or attack. By really listing you are able to demonstrate some understanding and empathy for their situation or point of view even if you do not wholly agree with it.

Step two enables you to directly state your thoughts or feelings without insistence or apology. The word HOWEVER is a good linking word between step one and step two. BUT tends to contradict your first statement and can be unhelpful. The word HOWEVER can become routine therefore it is worth thinking of a number of reasonable alternatives like: on the other hand, in addition, even so, nevertheless, alternatively, etc.

Step three is essential so that you can indicate without hesitancy or insistence. Once the three basic steps to assertiveness have been mastered there are a number of key assertive behaviours and techniques which will add to the competence and confidence of people working with assertiveness.

Saying No.

1. Don’t respond immediately.
2. Assess whether the other person’s request is reasonable or unreasonable. "hmm, let me see if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that…"
3. Assert the right to ask for information, clarification or time.
4. Give a simple ‘no’ followed by one of the following:

• I would prefer not to…
• I would rather…
• I am not willing to…
• I don’t want to…

1. Apologise ONLY if you are genuinely sorry.
2. If you prefer to give honest reasons, do so. Don’t make excuses.
3. Speak slowly and steadily in order not to sound abrupt.

Broken record

Children are experts in the use of the Broken Record technique and use it very effectively. It is useful to help make sure that you are listened to and that you’re message is received.

Sometimes when people are actively involved in their own concerns or needs they pay little attention to what you have to say or to your situation. Broken record makes sure that your message does get through without nagging, whinging or whining.

With the Broken Record technique it is important to use some of the same words over again in different sentences. This reinforces the main part of your message and presents others raising red herrings or diverting you from your central message.

Example to insistent customer:

"We won’t be able to complete by the 15^th. I understand it causes you problems, but the hard facts are it won’t be possible to complete all the work by the fifteenth. However, we can promise to finish key areas if you tell us your needs, and we will reschedule the rest: What we can’t do is complete everything by the 15^th."

Fogging

When someone is behaving aggressively they tend to expect disagreement and charge ahead not listening. Fogging is used to slow them down by an unexpected response. It is a way of sidestepping their issue and still retaining your point of view and integrity by agreeing with some part of what they say.

It is called fogging because the effect is very like suddenly being faced with a bank of fog when the way appeared to be clear. It is not hard, concrete or solid however, because it is so hard to see through or round. It is necessary to hold back a bit and pay attention to what is being encountered.

The word ‘yes’ takes them by surprise and really helps to put the brakes on. For example if someone said, ‘Well that was a pretty stupid way to behave in a meeting’ and you wanted to ‘Fog’, you might say ‘Yes, I can see that you think that it was a pretty stupid way to behave.’ You are not agreeing tha you had behaved stupidly only that you can see that they believe that.

Fogging gives you time to get things on to a more even keel and can reduce the tmperature in a potentially explosive situation.

Example:

Newly redundant manager

"I can’t believe it, this bloody company has let me down, they won’t be able to manage without me!"

Personnel Manager (Fogging)

"Yes, I know it must be a shock and that you feel that the company has let you down and you do have valuably knowledge and experience. Let’s look at the possibilities which would be best for all."

Discrepancy Assertion

Discrepancy assertion is used in situations where you are receiving contradictory messages. In a fast-paced, fast-changing work scenario, contradictory messages are one of the by-products. It is important to be able be clear about what is actually happening or expected without guesswork. Discrepancy assertion helps to clear up misunderstandings before they grow into difficult issues. It is also a useful way to point out to someone the inconsistency in their behaviour without blaming or being accusatory and it helps to move people nearer to a workable compromise. With discrepancy assertion it is important to be as objective as possible pointing out the known facts clearly.

Example

"Earlier in this month we agreed that I would be given additional resources to manage the end of the month figures. Today I got a memo from you saying we had to cut back on staff numbers. I’d like to be clear about how this affects our first agreement."

"At my staff appraisal we both agreed I was taking on too much work and it was causing me a lot of stress. In the last few weeks my department has been given several additional new projects. I’d like to discuss the implications of this extra work."

Assertiveness scenarios

Assertiveness takes practice. Try these scenarios as examples with which to practice assertiveness skills. Respond assertively to each situation.

1. Your flatmate, whom you like, has a habit of coming into your room to talk to your flatmate about shopping whilst you are studying. Whilst you are interested in the subject, you are more interested in getting on with your work. He/she comes in when you are studying.
2. You paid out £30 to have your car tuned and it was a disaster. Despite and additional attempt by the mechanic to get it right, the car is still not running satisfactorily.
3. You paid a deposit to a builder to put up a timber-framed porch at the entrance to your house. The builder put up the frame and then left the job to do other work. It is now three months after the promised date of completion, and despite many promises; the builder has not reappeared.
4. You share a flat with a friend, with whom you get on very well, but who never does any cleaning up.

Assertiveness inventory

For the questions below, use the following scale:

1. If behaviour never occurs
2. If behaviour rarely occurs
3. If behaviour sometimes occurs
4. If behaviour generally occurs
5. If behaviour almost always occurs

Unless the question is marked with a star: *, in which cases use the following scale:

1. If behaviour almost always occurs
2. If behaviour generally occurs
3. If behaviour sometimes occurs
4. If behaviour rarely occurs
5. If behaviour never occurs

• A Expressing Positive feelings

1. I give compliments easily and sincerely.
2. I can tell people that I care about them.
3. * I usually feel critical towards others.
4. * I can think of more negative characteristics of myself than I can positive.
5. I tell people when I think they’ve done a good job.
6. * It’s hard for me to tell my parents how much I love them.

• B Expressing negative feelings

1. If I get defective goods from a shop, I can return them easily.
2. If my food comes differently from what I ordered, I send it back.
3. I can disagree with people.
4. * If there is something I don’t like about a service, I usually don’t say anything to the person, but I complain to others.
5. * If a family member of a close friend is annoying me, I usually pretend not to be bothered.
6. * I smile even when I am not happy.
7. * I find it difficult to negotiate prices for purchases, services or repairs.
8. * When people push in front of me, I usually let them.

• C Setting limits

1. * I have a hard time saying ‘no’.
2. * I get involved in activities merely because someone I know asked me to.
3. * If I get invited somewhere and do not want to go, I usually make up a story and beg off.
4. I can say sincerely to people "No thanks, I am not interested."
5. I know how much I can handle and am careful not to take on too much.

• D Self initiative

1. I think of new projects or activities and then do them.
2. I can ask a member of the opposite sex for lunch or dinner.
3. * I feel left out because not many people invite me places.
4. I easily initiate conversations with new people.
5. * I have a difficult time meeting new people.

Interpretation

100-120

61-99

24-60

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