Chapter Thirty

Isaac Hanson

I don't remember much about the first couple of days Taylor wasn't there. I walked around, feeling like there was a haze around me that I just couldn't break my way out of. I remember seeing my parents cry a lot. I remember basically playing the parent to everyone in the house because when my parents were out of commission, I was automatically the one nominated to handle everything, as if I didn't have my own thoughts to sort out, my own emotions to figure out.

I don't know how I felt about the whole thing. At the time anyway. I jumped so quickly from angry to understanding and back again that I had no idea how I felt about any of it. All I knew was that when I was going through an angry phase, I hated it. I hated the feel of having to hate something and not quite knowing what to hate. Not knowing who to blame for that strange emptiness I felt inside myself that signaled that something had changed dramatically in my life. It was the same feeling I got the day at Paramus Park Mall. Except, of course, that was a much more pleasant feeling Back when I didn't have to question the name of the band. Hanson. Now that seemed to only account for two of the three band members.

And after that thought, I would always be angry with myself for thinking it. I had to constantly remind myself of what I had said to Taylor that day in the hotel room. You'll always be my brother...Nothing will every change that. I said that for a reason And I felt like a lousy person when I had to be reminded of that reason.

So after that genearlly blew over, although it never blew over easily since it was easier to be mad at myself in this situation, the blame and anger shifted toward Parker as if this were all his fault. As if he only existed as a test of loyalty as a brother to Taylor and Taylor's loyalty to us. As if he would go away when all this was over with and Taylor returned from staying with the Lowell's. Like the heroes do in the movies.

But this wasn't the movies, although it certaintly felt like it. Parker wouldn't just go away. Parker was permanent, whether I liked what that meant or not.

And suddenly my anger would shift toward my parents. How could they not tell us? How could they keep it a secret from all of us? We deserved to know! We should have been told! It affected us, too.

And finally my anger would, without warning, be placed on Taylor's mother. A woman I had never met and probably never would meet as far as I kenw since the way my parents talked about her made it seem as though she were dead. But it was her fault for getting pregnant in the first place, it was her fault for giving Taylor and Parker up. But I couldn't blame her for long because I always remembered her one virtue that I knew of: She gave birth to Taylor.

And then the whole cycle started over again.

And though I hated it at the time, I would wish for it desperately later.

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Index
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty-One