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Title: Soul Man
Author: Kris and Christy (The Terrible Twosome)
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Yes!
E-mail: moneal@poboxes.com
Spoilers: No, this would NEVER happen
Distribution: Ask me first, please.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all, we own nothing.  We just like to play with the characters and put them back when we’re done.

“But I don’t wanna soul,” Spike whined.

“There is no choice in this matter.  The Powers That Be have decided it.  You will have a soul and you will do good.

“But I’m evil.  I’m the Big Bad!  I can’t be good.”

“You can and you will.”

"How bout I give up smoking?  That's a good thing, almost as good as having a soul." he looked desperate, “Come on, now... I'll even do it without the sodding patch...”

“No, you will have a soul and be good.”

"Come on, now...can’t I be just a little bad...awwww...come on...just a pinch...I swear I won't tell anybody..." 

“NO”  

"Bloody Hell!, Now I'm going to have to call the poof and find out where he buys his Nancy Boy gel, maybe get some blow dryin' hints on how to avoid split ends and all... I don’t wanna be a grand poofter!"

“We are done talking, we hereby grant you a soul.”

"Hey...wait a minute...don't go doin' your mojo on me yet."  Spike leaped around avoiding contact with the mystical oracles who were swaying around him. "And cut it with the chanting...the lot of you..."

"NOOOOOOOO" Spike yelled.  "Now you've done it..." he whined again, "now I have to go see Sir Broods A Lot and get tips on how to get that sexy-soulful swagger... Wait a minute, if I shag, can I lose my soul like Peaches?"  He asked hopefully.  

The oracles sighed and rolled their eyes.  "You had your soul returned, not your nuts cut off."

Spike was initially disappointed, then brightened a bit.  "Guess daddy won't be pleased..." he smiled, "I can shag his true love" he said aloud in a sing-song voice.  He stopped for a moment..."Aw sod it all!"  tears sprang to his eyes...Poor Angel, the unfairness of the world...He

sobbed... It just not right...

Part 2

"Well, there was <sob> the time I broke that slayer's neck...<more sobs>  and I stole her bloody jacket.... <full blown body wracking sobs>

Angel held Spike is his arms, wiping away the tears, "I, know, Son, I know...let it all out..."

“And, and I tried to bite Willow and she’s my friend now <sob>.  Oh God, I told Buffy she came back wrong and then I hit her, I’m despicable.  I’m almost as big a loser as you.”  Spike fell to the floor bawling like a baby.

“Now, now Spike, let’s not over react too much here.  Hey, wait a minute, you just insulted me.”

Spike stood up and grinned at Angel.  “Took you long enough genius.  I feel better now, let’s go out.”

Spike returned to his crypt.  He was feeling peckish and decided to heat some blood.  He lifted the mug to his lips, but couldn’t drink. 

“I can’t do it.  The  poor pig was wallowing around in the mud, not a care in the world.  Just like that talking pig...what was it called...oh yeah, Babe.  I am drinking Babe's blood.  Poor Babe... When along comes Farmer...what was his name...ooohh Hogget.  Yeah, Farmer Hogget and chops him to bits.  And here I am about to get enjoyment from his suffering.  Oh, it is so unfair, those poor animals, they have rights too.  Now I’m going to have to join one of those sodding animal groups, help protect the poor wittle animals.” He poured the blood down the sink, “Here's to you Babe, I will make sure your memory lives on...I swear on my...soul"

“This bites!!”