LAUGHING MATTERS

An insurance salesman was trying to sell a policy to a warehouse owner. `I've got all the insurance I need,' said the executive. `Fire, accident, employers liability, the lot, so don't waste your time.' `Are you covered against floods?' asked the salesman. `Floods?' said the businessman with interest. `How do you arrange a flood?'
 
 

Groucho Marx was leaving a particularly boring party. At the door, he said to the hostess, `I've had a wonderful evening but this wasn't it.'
 
 

An Irish detective working in Scotland arrested a criminal in a Aberdeen. Just as he was about to slap on the handcuffs on him a gust of wind blew the detective's hat down the street. 'Shall I go and fetch it for you?' asked the criminal. Do you think I'm crazy?' said the detective. 'You wait here and I'll go and get it.'
 
 

A young lady was talking to an astronomer at a party. 'I can understand how you people work out how far the stars are from the earth, and what their sizes are,' she said. `but how on earth do you find out what their names are?'
 
 

`I'm prescribing these pills for you,' said the doctor to the overweight patient. `I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one at a time.'
 
 

Having asked his commanding officer or a day's leave to attend his sister's wedding, a solder was asked to wait outside the door. The officer then called him in and said, 'You're a liar, solder. I've just phoned your sister and she told me she's married already.' `Well, sir, you're an even bigger liar,' the solder replied, because I don't even have a sister.'