Dufus & Shirt...

On The Trail of the Killing Stone

MICHAEL	DUFUS	RICHARD	SHIRT

Seventh Galaxy announced a double-header, featuring the Valeyard and Del Trotter father-in-law, Michael Jayston, as well as Richard Franklin, promoting his CD reading of his novel that inexplicably no publishing company has been keen to publish. Chalky was busy, discovering exactly what it is that Tiggers like, and Lupine and Enigma were also otherwise engaged. Dufus and Shirt, however, had no other plans. The conversation, the night before went something like this:

Dufus - "Shall we go to the signing?"

Shirt - "I don't mind. Do you want to go?"

Dufus - "I don't mind. Do you want to go?"

An hour later, a decision was reached, they'd probably go !

The next morning later than usual (on the thinking that the signing would not be overly subscribed), the two friends met up, and as ever, just missed the train. Eventually a train turned up, and our chums got on it without checking whether it was a fast or slow train. Fate deemed that it was a very slow train. Forty-five minutes later, they reached Victoria, to find that all District Line trains were subject to delays due to an earlier derailment. A cunning plan was hatched, and the two got off at Westminster, went down the escalator, found that the Jubilee Line was suspended between North Greenwich and Stratford, and went back up the escalator again. Having waited for the next train, which turned out to be even more packed than the previous one, our friends finally got a seat. Pulling into Tower Hill, Shirt had a brainwave, and the two transferred to the overground train, catching one with time to spare. Finally reaching Barking after 1 3/4 hours travelling, the friends walked over to the shopping centre, Shirt pausing briefly when his mobile rang. As Dufus was with him, it could only be one person - and indeed it was Chalky, asking if the chums had gone to the signing.

A medium-length queue met the friends as they walked towards the shop. Inside Shirt selected a photograph of Michael Jayston, jovially commenting to Little Ted behind the counter that the one he had not selected was labelled "TRAIL of a Timelord". Unfortunately, Shirt was the first person to notice this (or at least bring it to the attention of shop staff), which caused a certain frostiness. Shirt moved over to Dufus who was deciding which DVDs he was going to purchase to play on his new DVD-player. Shirt's assurances that he could get Dufus the "Caves of Androzani" DVD for £10, fell on deaf ears once Dufus learned that they had a copy signed by COLIN BAKER (who's in it for about a minute), despite Shirt's offer to get it signed on the next rare occasion when Colin did a signing. Dufus took his purchases including Mr. Franklin's CD to the till, and attempted to pay. However, due to a highly technical process of recording messages by the two guests for the Seventh Galaxy website (including one from Mr. Franklin which appeared to slight a certain other shop), which required everyone to be silent, the process was held up. Handing over his debit card, Dufus happened to remark that it looked like Little Ted was attempting to grow a beard. Little Ted took umbrage at this, saying that he had merely not shaved that morning, and that he would not grow a beard as it would make him look like his father, with whom he does not get on. Over Little Ted's shoulder, Big Ted looked at Dufus in a despairing way that said "Why did you open that Pandora's box?" The frostiness grew. Paying quickly, the two left the shop and joined the queue.

Dufus had forgotten his camera. Luckily, Shirt has remembered his, unluckily there was no film in it. Leaving his stuff with Dufus, Shirt wandered off in search of a camera-film, which proved to take longer than either of them had expected. Returning to Dufus, Shirt was dismayed to see that directly behind them were the couple that had so annoyed himself and Dufus at Invasion 2002 (see CDS...Invasion II). Living down to their expectations, the couple obliged, continually moaning in loud voices - at the length of the queue, that they had been forced to buy something from the shop (having simply joined the queue), at the fliers that people were trying to foist upon them, and at the slowness of the queue, as well as agreeing equally loudly that they would not attend the signings that they were not interested in. (Bungee!!!!!) The last straw as far as Shirt was concerned was when the man started singing Kylie's "It's In Your Eyes" very very badly. The slow-moving queue, which to Dufus and Shirt seemed positive, ie. the celebrities were actually talking to the attendees, finally allowed the friends to enter the shop, leaving the annoying couple behind.

Not having anything for Richard Franklin, Shirt hatched a cunning plan with Dufus. Dufus would keep Mr. Franklin talking whilst Shirt stepped round and got Michael Jayston to sign his items. For once the plan worked beautifully, but Shirt was concerned at how long the person in front of Dufus was spending with Michael (meaning that Dufus was running out of things to say). Dufus used his usual "You're my favourite companion" speech, whilst telling Richard that he has always wondered what happened to Mike after he left UNIT (the plot of Richard's book - what a crawler). Mr. Franklin then feigned interest in Dufus' job (bad topic area to start him off on), which led to him sympathising with Dufus over his move to Birmingham, before making a bad pun on Dufus' name (worse than Dufus' own joke on his name). Sidestepping Dufus, Shirt offered his photo and "The Eighties" book to Michael, who commented on the disproportionate number of people in the queue who shared Shirt's name, before signing them as requested. Shirt then offered one of his Jeremy Brett "Sherlock Holmes" covers, which led to a brief discussion with Michael of the wonders of JB, and the unfairness of the treatment of Mr. Brett in the biography "The Man Who Became Sherlock Holmes". Happy to find a fellow Jeremy Brett enthusiast, Shirt asked Michael if he could have a photo with him. When Mr. Jayston assented, Shirt handed his camera to Dufus, who after a false start due to the rubbishness of the flash on Shirt's camera, took the photo of the two of them. Moving away with his items, and foolishly closing the front of the camera, Shirt watched as Dufus got Michael to sign a photo before also asking the great man to pose with him. Shirt tried on three occasions to get the flash to work again, but failed dismally. Keen to be of help, Mr. Jayston rose from the table, encouraging the two to follow him, where he and Dufus posed with the Dalek in the increased light of the shopping centre. To Shirt's delight, this completely annoyed the couple behind them. Thanking Mr. Jayston, the two moved off on their way home.

The journey back involved a detour to Notting Hill, where Shirt having given up trying to regulate Dufus' spending, encouraged him to spend even more money. The journey was uneventful save two “Bungee” moments. Firstly, when alighting at Notting Hill Gate, Dufus managed to elbow an old woman in the face (accidentally, he claimed), and whilst waiting for the return train, managed to shake his bottle of Dr. Pepper so much that it all bubbled out when he opened it, completely soaking his travelcard, which disappointingly still worked the barriers, but caused a concerning puddle on the station platform which Dufus denied was a health-and-safety issue. Checking where their train stopped on the way back, the friends wended their merry way home. As they did so, Shirt mused on how the gang would miss Dufus (if and) when he moved to Birmingham permanently– who else would be stupid enough as to open a Pandora’s box through a flippant comment about shaving, pay £9.99 for a Colin Baker signature, elbow a fellow tube passenger in the face, or cover himself, his travelcard and the station platform with Dr. Pepper ?

Epilogue

Mr. Whisky, the gang’s long-lost acquaintance who had been working in Australia for a year had returned earlier that week, and so Dufus and Shirt, joined by Chalky and Tigger, met up with him that evening at a local pub (now there’s a novel place for him to suggest). The evening was progressing along familiar lines (ie. anecdotes about the school that Chalky, Shirt and he attended), when returning to the table having availed himself of the hostelry’s facilities, he inexplicably got his trousers caught on a chair, and found himself unable to move. Unable to help him due to laughing so much, the other four just looked on, as he struggled to get free, ripping the trousers as he did so. A replacement had been found, now all they had to do was get him interested in “Doctor Who”.

[PL]