Chalky, Dufus, Shirt, and Tigger…

... Are Behind You !!!!

CHALKY	MAURICE	CONRAD	DUFUS	INDIA	SHIRT	LOUISE	MAGGIE	TIGGER

It was Christmas-time once more, and for our friends, unlike previous years with its Large Endings’ CD & book, a cornucopia of New Series merchandise was available, just ready to find its way under their Christmas trees. However, it was not the promise of such merchandise that tempted the friends to Seventh Galaxy the Saturday before Christmas, but some rare guests (and the lovely India Fisher). So rare was Maurice Roëves, guest star in Davison swansong “The Caves of Androzani”, that Dufus deigned to come down from Birmingham (having only just made Chalky & Tigger’s wedding, and completely missed Chalky’s 30th!!!), and even Tigger decided to make a return to signings. Unfortunately, Lupine, Enigma and Scooby found themselves unable to attend at the last minute.

The four briefly entered the shop, saying “Merry Christmas” to Little Ted and Hamble, bought the required items, and joined the queue behind a familiar group of fans, those who had recently annoyed them, by not only discussing their trip to the set of “The Christmas Invasion”, but also revealing a large number of spoilers about it. Dufus then made another brief sojourn into the shop, returning with a “Talking Davros”.

Chalky had bought Dufus a copy of the promoted CD “Other Lives”, but Tigger pointed out that as the present was from them both, they should buy him something else as well. It was therefore agreed that they would buy him “Short Trips: The History of Christmas”.

Chalky entered the shop, and picked up the book, giving it to Little Ted at the till.

“Is that for Dufus ?”, Little Ted asked.

“Yes. How did you know ?”, asked a surprised Chalky.

“Well, he picked it up three times before deciding he couldn’t afford it. I actually rang it up once !”.

Back in the queue, the friends were ‘entertained’ by a local school carol-singing. However, they only seemed to know three carols, which they sang on a seeming loop.

Shirt took advantage of the lull in proceedings to hand out Sherlock Holmes video covers for Chalky and Dufus to get signed for him by Granada SH scribe, Gary Hopkins, who had also written “Other Lives”.

Finally the queue began moving slowly, very slowly.

“I bet they stop for lunch when we get to the front”, commented Shirt gloomily.

On the contrary, the friends managed to beat the lunch-hour, and entered the shop again, leaving Tigger outside, joining the small queue inside.

First up was Maurice Roëves, who happily signed any “Caves” memorabilia put in front of him. Shirt was first in the queue, and got Maurice’s signature on a photograph and on his video and DVD covers, before asking him to sign a white label that he could stick into his “The Eighties” over the top of the out-of-period Chris Boucher. Dufus and Chalky followed, also getting photos and covers signed. Mr. Roëves proved to be very personable, and the three were almost sorry to move on. However, next up was Louise Jameson. Only Shirt had bought her promoted “The Actor Speaks” CD, so the others waited patiently behind him whilst he got the cover, as well as several “Gallifrey” covers signed by Louise. Next was Margaret Hickey, guest-star from Troughton classic “The Enemy of the World”. This time it was Shirt who had no items, carefully side-stepping her to talk to India Fisher. Chalky and Dufus engaged Ms. Hickey in conversation, but it seemed that she remembered little of “Enemy”.

India seemed pleased to see Shirt again (making her a very good actress), and happily signed the covers given to her by Shirt, once he had checked that she hadn’t already signed them. Conrad Westmaas (C’Rizz) also began happily signing the covers. Both enthused about working with Mr. McGann.

Conrad and Shirt then discussed how the internet makes it much easier to buy presents for friends and family.

“You can get almost anything online”, commented Conrad.

“Except India Fisher wrapped up, and wearing nothing but a bow”, sighed Shirt, with a sideways glance to the lovely lady.

“Yes you can - it’s at www.inyourdreams.com !”, quipped India, to much hilarity from Chalky Dufus & Conrad.

Dufus was next in line, getting India and Conrad to sign various Eighth Doctor audio covers, causing Shirt to realise that he had forgotten to bring “Terror Firma” and “Scaredy Cat”. Next Dufus offered them his “Zagreus” poster, which they both signed.

“Oooh, Louise was in this too”, cooed India, passing it back along the line for Louise to sign, ignoring Dufus’ half-hearted attempts to stop her as he had not bought Louise’s CD.

Shirt had reached Gary Hopkins, who happily signed not only Shirt’s “Other Lives” and “The Last” covers, but one of his Granada Sherlock Holmes covers, before engaging in a long discussion with Shirt about adapting ACD stories.

Next was Joseph Lidster, but Shirt side-stepped him, not having brought “Terror Firma”, to meet a young girl with a sign in front of her – “Win a copy of the script of ‘The Game’ , signed by my mum”. Underneath in slightly smaller letters was the addition – “Sarah Sutton”. This clarification meant that Shirt bought a strip of raffle tickets. Having got their “Terror Firma”’s signed by Mr. Lidster, and Shirt’s Sherlock Holmes covers by Mr. Hopkins, Chalky and Dufus joined Shirt, also buying raffle tickets.

Leaving the shop, this was just the start of the day’s festivities, as all four were going to see pantomimes that evening – Chalky and Tigger seeing “Cinderella” at Wimbledon Theatre starring John Barrowman & Richard Wilson, with Chalky’s parents; and Dufus and Shirt seeing “Aladdin” at Richmond Theatre starring Simon Callow, Patsy Kensit & Christopher Biggins.

It was agreed that they would go to Wimbledon first, with Dufus and Shirt umming-and-ahhing about getting off the train at Clapham Junction to buy a proposed Christmas present for Tigger. However, Shirt was sure that they would have it in Wimbledon as well.

Arriving in Wimbledon, and having time to kill, the four decamped to Nando’s Restaurant opposite Wimbledon Theatre for food. Dufus found the paying downstairs when ordering the food a little bit confusing, so much so that he initially left his wallet down there. Whilst eating, the four looked out of the window, at a small crowd beginning to build around the stage-door, as the matinee had just finished.

The meal completed, the four wandered up the road towards the station, browsing in the shops and a Christmas market on the way. In a toyshop, the other three managed to persuade Chalky not to buy a “Dalek Battlepack” with Rose Tyler figure, knowing that he was getting something similar the next day from Shirt. A quick detour to the local shopping centre, where Dufus and Shirt were unable to find their intended gift for Tigger.

The time until curtain up approaching, the four split up into two groups. Chalky and Tigger wandered down Wimbledon Broadway to meet Chalky’s parents, whilst Dufus and Shirt went to the platform for Richmond. However, looking at the display-board, Shirt realised that their rail-tickets would not be valid for the whole of the overly circuitous route. They therefore caught the next train to Clapham Junction, changing onto a direct Richmond service, arriving a full 10 minutes earlier than the Wimbledon train.

Arriving early, Dufus and Shirt searched the almost entirely closed shops for somewhere selling a pen that they could use to attempt to get Simon Callow’s autograph afterwards, finally succeeding in TESCO. Hurrying back to the theatre, they found that there were still 10 minutes until the audience would be allowed in, and so used their time wisely purchasing programmes, and in Shirt’s case availing himself of the facilities.

The doors finally opened, Shirt asked a nearby member of staff exactly where the “mid slips” were, concerned that he had been sold tickets to play in a cricket match instead. However, these seats proved to be at the top of the theatre to one side, just before a long bench of seats that ran up towards the stage. Dufus was previously concerned on seeing how high up they were, but having sunk into his seat, felt much better. Weighed down by bags of purchases, the two were pleased to note a large empty space behind the seats, which after checking with the usherette, they piled their possessions up in, taking care not to squash Dufus’ “Talking Davros”. A family arrived just before curtain up, and squeezed past the friends moving to the bench, initially sitting by the stage.

Meanwhile at Wimbledon, Chalky and Tigger were attempting to avoid being noticed by the large group of “Doctor Who” fans who normally stand in front of the friends at Seventh Galaxy signings, whilst also trying not to be hit by several small girls’ fairy wands. The lights went down, and Susan Hampshire as the Good Fairy, began the production in rhyme.

Back at Richmond, the lights had also gone down, and following the overture, Simon Callow as Abanazer appeared on stage, overacting in a manner usually associated with Shirt. An Egyptian prologue featuring the voice of Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter, over (but not before Dufus had whispered something about Sutekh to Shirt), the pantomime proper began, with the arrival of One Doctor, Christopher Biggins, as Widow Twankey livening things up a bit. Dufus and Shirt cheered, booed, and groaned at some of the jokes (with Shirt committing a large number to memory), much to the chagrin of the daughter of the family who had now moved back towards the friends to get a better view, who looked pityingly at them.

At Wimbledon, John “Captain Jack” Barrowman had made his first appearance, and was demonstrating his dancing skills. To Chalky’s chagrin, there were no DW references, and he did not appear in a TARDIS as Colin Baker had on the same stage 18 years before.

In Richmond, Shirt was transfixed by the lovely Lisa Kay Lewis (formerly Anna in ‘Hollyoaks’) as the Princess, revealing the reason that he had really persuaded Dufus to come to that particular panto. A scene in the laundry where both Widow Twankey and Abanazer forgot their lines brought to the pair’s minds, a similar occurrence in the Shirt-scripted “Aladdin”, in which he and Dufus had played those parts.

Back in Wimbledon, Doctor Constantine (or Richard Wilson, if you prefer) was testing children on his catchphrase – no not “There’s a war on, you couldn’t have miscounted”, but “I don’t belieeeve it !” – whilst kiddies’ favourite and Chief Scout, Peter Duncan engaged in a slapstick routine.

In Richmond, the interval over, and two tubs of chocolate ice-cream consumed, the panto continued along traditional lines, climaxing with the funniest song-sheet that the friends had ever seen. The usual four cute kids had been picked, all had gone well with the first two, but as soon as Biggins started speaking to his two, all went wrong.

First up was a young boy, Biggins decided to try an age-old panto gag –

“Do you know this little girl beside you ?”

“No”

“Would you like to ?”

“Yes”, said young boy with a very concerning smile on his face.

Moving on, Biggins tried another tack.

“Who did you come to the panto with tonight ?”

“My mummy and my daddy, but my daddy’s left !”

“Where’s he gone ?”

The boy’s response was unintelligible, and Biggins then proceeded to do the equivalent of a bad Margery Dawes impression, asking him to repeat it again and again.

Finally it became clear that the boy’s father had gone to Jordan (the country, not the glamour model), but would be back the next day.

Completely flummoxed, Biggins moved to the little girl, who turned out to be called Tigger.

“Do you want to wave to your family ?”

The little girl did so, and a small group in the dress circle waved back. However, on being asked by Biggins, it proved that they were not her family, merely intoxicated.

“Who did you come to the panto with tonight, then ?” asked Biggins trying to get back on track.

There was a long pause.

“Did you come with your mummy ?”

“No”

“Did you come with your daddy ?”

“No”

“Did you come with your granny ?”

“No”, said Little Tigger, determined that Biggins would have to keep guessing.

Knowing when he was beaten, Biggins gave up, the four sang the song, got goodies, and went back to their seats.

Final bows, and a brief final joke from Simon Callow – “If you’ve enjoyed the show, tell your friends. If not, write to me Richard Wilson at the Wimbledon Theatre”.

At Wimbledon Theatre, Richard Wilson was also acknowledging audience applause, and a few minutes later Chalky, Tigger and Chalky’s parents left the theatre, past a group of small children queuing up outside the stage door to meet Captain Jack.

Back in Richmond, Dufus and Shirt had quickly dashed round to the back of the theatre, and after briefly waiting at the back door of the local Baptist Church by mistake, they joined a small group of people by the stage-door. They were all crowding round Patsy Kensit who had played the Genie, getting her to sign photos of themselves with her and all seemed to at least have some passing acquaintance with her. Holding back, Dufus and Shirt waited until Ms. Kensit returned inside, and everyone else, save one man drifted away. He proved to be a professional autograph-hunter, getting his programme signed by any of the dancers who had been on TV, however briefly (“Look, she was in ‘Emmerdale’!“, he told a disinterested Shirt). He also spoke at length to Shirt about “The X-Factor”, the final of which was that evening, with Shirt nodding in the right places.

Then Simon Callow appeared, the professional was right in with his programme, giving Shirt time to pull out his poster, and sidle up to the great thespian as the other man moved away.

“Can you sign this, please ?”, asked Shirt.

“What is it ?”, asked Mr. Callow, concerned that it might be a contract for another panto season, opening it out slightly to reveal Chris and Billie, before signing with a flourish by John Barrowman. Quickly Shirt gave Dufus the Collectors Booklet from the New Series DVD boxset, which he got signed along with his programme.

Mr. Callow then made a quick getaway.

“Shall we go home ?”, said Dufus starting to feel the cold.

“Just a few more minutes”, pleaded Shirt.

A few minutes later, Biggins appeared, and both Shirt and the professional got their programmes signed as Biggins manhandled his bag into his partner’s car.

“Now can we go home ?”, asked a shivering Dufus.

Shirt was about to say yes, when the professional spoke.

“Only the girl from ‘Hollyoaks’ to go”

Shirt’s mind was made up.

“Just a few more minutes”.

These minutes were spent with the professional relating an amusing anecdote of how he had got Lucy Benjamin’s autograph in the pub over the road.

“Are you going to Wembley after this ?”, he asked our friends.

Both were initially confused by this, until Shirt realised that that was where the “X-Factor” studio was.

In the nick of time, the door opened, and the vision of loveliness that is Lisa Kay Lewis emerged.

Shirt let the professional make the first move, getting an autograph and a photo taken by Lisa’s dancer friend.

“Can you sign this, please ?”, asked Shirt proffering his programme, whilst urging Dufus to get his camera out.

“And a photo please”, he added, as she finished signing. Lisa looked a little put-out, but acquiesced. (see below), before dashing to the pub over the road. Making their apologies re. Wembley, Dufus and Shirt made their way back to the station, and eventually Shirt’s home.

The next day was spent in challenging Shirt’s parents to the Pub Quiz CD-Rom that Shirt had got free with the Evening Standard (They lost due to Shirt’s father’s knowledge of every piece of information in the entire world, which he pretended to be simply guessing). Dufus was so impressed by it that he decided to buy his brother the full version, which came in the form of an interactive DVD game. And so it was, that afternoon that whilst Dufus visited Tilly, Shirt scoured the shops of Sutton for said game, and Dufus’ intended gift for Tigger.

Rejoining Shirt, Dufus found that he had only been half successful – the DVD game had been purchased, but of the intended gift for Tigger there was no sign. A quick phone call to Chalky, and an alternative – a “Now That’s What I Call Christmas” CD – was swiftly bought. Returning to Dufus’ car, via a jigsaw shop to buy a jigsaw for Dufus’ sister-in-law, they made their way back to Shirt’s home, where after quickly wrapping their purchases, they returned to Sutton for the Carol Service at Chalky and Tigger’s church (where Dufus was once a member).

Full of festive cheer (and several free mince pies), the four made their way back to Shirt’s house, where cards and then presents were exchanged:

First up, was Chalky’s “Sapphire and Steel” CD from Dufus, swiftly followed by Dufus’ “Other Lives” CD from Chalky & Tigger. Tigger opened a large parcel from Shirt which proved to contain two “Beauty and the Beast” puzzles – one a block puzzle made up of nine cubes (with six different pictures) and one a 300-piece jigsaw puzzle. Next was a “Disney’s Atlantis” computer game for Chalky from Shirt. A large heavy parcel from Tigger and Chalky, revealed the third part of the “New Annotated Sherlock Holmes” for Shirt. Next up was a “Sherlock Holmes” DVD for Dufus from Shirt. Tigger seemed happy with her “House of the Flying Daggers” DVD and “Now That’s What I Call Christmas” CD, from Shirt and Dufus respectively. Dufus and Shirt exchanged similarly sized gifts, which were both unwrapped to reveal “Doctor Who” Character Walkie-Talkies. The four then opened their final presents, which to their delight comprised – a “Beauty and the Beast” boardgame for Tigger from Shirt, “Short Trips: The History of Christmas” for Dufus from Tigger and Chalky (for which he looked suitably ‘surprised’), a “Sherlock Holmes” Action Figure for Shirt from Chalky and Tigger, and a highly-prized “Dalek Battlepack” with a Ninth Doctor figure for Chalky from Shirt.

Goodbyes were said, and all returned home - Chalky and Tigger to Croydon and Dufus to Birmingham. All agreed that it had been a wonderful weekend !! (Oh no it hadn’t !!! Oh yes it had !!! Oh no it hadn’t !!! [repeat to fade] )

[PL]