Chalky, Dufus, Shirt, Lupine, and Tigger…

...Are Eyed At The Scene of the Crime

(Guest starring: Mr. Whisky)

CHALKY	LYNDA	TIGGER	DUFUS	IAN	SHIRT	LUPINE	MAUREEN	MR. WHISKY

It was Dufus’ birthday, his exact age remains a secret, but let’s just say he’s eight months’ younger than the friends’ favourite television programme. Inexplicably, despite having a well-documented fear of heights, he decreed that he would like to spend the evening before his happy day, experiencing London from the air, courtesy of the British Airways’ London Eye. An open invitation was offered, and after some organisation on Shirt’s part, five comrades agreed to accompany Dufus on his possible death – Chalky, Shirt, Tigger, Lupine and Mr. Whisky (Enigma being otherwise engaged). But with the ride only lasting thirty minutes, other activities needed to be identified. Luckily two obvious solutions presented themselves. Firstly, Seventh Galaxy were presenting Inquisitor and OXO-mum, Lynda Bellingham for a rare signing session. Secondly, the TFN were having their annual two-day “Crime Scene” festival, with attendees including Ian Richardson, Mark Billingham (from TV’s “Maid Marian and Her Merry Men”), and old favourite of the gang, Maureen O’Brien. The stage was therefore set for a birthday to remember.

DAY 1: Dateline – Saturday 13^th July 2002.

The Saturday began well, Dufus and Shirt met at their local station at the given time, and with very little problem found themselves at Victoria Station, waiting for Chalky and Tigger. Shirt was concerned, as the last time he had waited for Chalky and Tigger at the self same spot they had kept him waiting for nearly an hour. However, a few minutes later, the two lovesick fools turned up (but not before Nicholas Witchell had walked past Dufus and Shirt), just in time to stop Dufus telling Shirt in intense detail about his current problems at work. For once there were no engineering works on the District Line, and the friends were soon at Seventh Galaxy, being “entertained” by Dufus’ work anecdotes on the way. Picking up the requisite items, and in Shirt’s case, the long anticipated Large Ending audio “Neverland”, the friends moved to the exit, and joined the queue for Ms. Bellingham.

However, at this time things went in a slightly unusual direction. Shirt and Tigger began whispering to each other conspiratorially, before making vague excuses and leaving the queue, heading for the exit to the High Street. As the events are now past, the truth can now be revealed. Rather than the obvious supposition that would be made by a casual observer, that the two were having a less than clandestine affair, the bottom line was that Tigger had been entrusted by Chalky’s school colleagues to buy his surprise leaving gift as he was to leave at the end of the next week, and needed an expert of WHO memorabilia, in particular which items Chalky did not already own. Being unable to find an item that was “special enough” in Seventh Galaxy, the two travelled to The What Shop, on Shirt’s assurance that they might be able to buy a real script there. Unfortunately, Helen A & Joseph C had gone to a convention, taking all their rare stock with them. Returning to Seventh Galaxy, and following a highly unsubtle discussion on Product Enterprise Roll-A-Matic Daleks, the two purchased said Daleks, two DVDs, vouchers to be used to buy a Talking Cyberman, and Dalek wrapping paper to wrap said items.

Rejoining Chalky and Dufus in the queue (after Shirt had made a quick detour having realised that he had forgotten to buy Dufus a birthday card), all four decided that they needed sustenance. Tired by his exertions, Shirt took advantage of Dufus’ offer to pick him up a drink whilst getting food for himself, asking for a Cherry Coke. Ten minutes later, Dufus returned Cherry Coke-less.

“They didn’t have Cherry Coke !”, was his limp reply.

“And you didn’t think to get me regular Coke?”, asked an incredulous Shirt, before going into a girly huff, which was only broken when Big Ted mentioned that Seventh Galaxy were organising a two-day “Blake’s 7” convention the next year.

Finally the four reached the front of the queue, and as ever, Tigger chose to wait outside whilst the other three met the celebrity. Lynda was on her mobile, and seemed to have ceased signing. Cue. three sets of eyebrows raised in annoyance. However, just as Dufus approached the table, the mobile was put down. Dufus then proceeded to compliment Ms. Bellingham on her performances in “Doctor Who”, “Blake’s 7”, and “All Creatures Great and Small”.

“He’s forgotten ‘Faith in the Future’ and the OXO ads”, mumbled Shirt to no-one in particular.

Dufus then managed to briefly pose with Ms. Bellingham, before crouching down on the floor to sort out his items in his usual manner. Lynda was very impressed by the large number of signatures in Shirt’s “The Eighties” book.

“How long did it take you to get all those signatures?”, she asked.

“The ‘80’s is my favourite era”, said Shirt, singularly failing to answer the question.

Items and photos out of the way, the three exited the shop, meeting up with Tigger again.

A quick dash to the train, Shirt being keen to see the “Sherlock Holmes Magazine” Awards at “Crime Scene” if possible, the four were soon sitting a District Line train. Opposite were three people on their way to a “School Disco” event on Clapham Common, and for a few seconds, both Dufus and Shirt wished that this was their destination instead, having taken in the “uniform” of the girl opposite. The train reached West Ham, and the friends separated, Dufus and Shirt changing onto the Jubilee Line for “Crime Scene”, and Chalky and Tigger returning to her flat, for….well, let’s just leave it to your imaginations.

Arriving at Waterloo, and it being too late to get into the Awards, Dufus and Shirt decided to collect the London Eye tickets to save time later. After aimlessly walking around the general vicinity of the Eye, they eventually found the ticket machines, from which they had to collect the tickets they had booked over the internet. Both were rather concerned by the lengths of the queues at the boarding gate, and could see why being told to get there at least half-an-hour before flight time, had not just been force of habit on the part of British Airways.

Walking along the South Bank, they reached the TFN, and went in to take their seats for the first talk, “Sherlock Holmes On Audio”, given by eminent Sherlockian and editor of “Sherlock Holmes Magazine”, David Stuart Davies, brought to them by the Petri family (“the family that took time, to bring them fine wine!”). Feeling rather like Henry and Ally from “The League of Gentlemen” (“Got!”, “Got!”, “Heard!”), as David played extracts from audio interpretations, Shirt looked over at Dufus, who also seemed to be enjoying it. On turning round to exit the auditorium after the talk, Shirt was amazed to see two faces that he recognised. The first was that of superfan and cult-comedian, Mark Gattiss (whom Shirt had already met twice, and Dufus had once). The second, and more exciting (for Shirt at least) face was that of Bert Coules, the instigator and writer of nearly half the Clive Merrison “Sherlock Holmes” series on BBC Radio 4.

As they moved into the foyer, Dufus and Shirt noticed that the two men were in conversation. Moving closer they heard Mark saying how much he enjoyed the new Holmes series that Bert had written for radio the previous year, and asking for a part in the second series (if there was to be one). Bert seemed pleased with having such a famous fan, and this may have been why he was happy to chat briefly to Shirt, and sign his copy of Bert’s monograph on how the Merrison series was made, and Shirt’s “Further Adventures…” cassette cover. (In fact Shirt had every single Merrison cover in his bag, in case Clive had been there). Thanking Bert, Shirt returned to Dufus who smiled indulgently as Shirt related the conversation that had taken place.

Having half-an-hour before the next event, Dufus and Shirt decided to go for a stroll in the sunshine on the South Bank. A nearby ice-cream van proved to be too tempting, and both Dufus and Shirt bought a “5-ICE” lolly, whose size caused Shirt to remark “Yes, it is a big one, Jamie !”, before letting it melt all over his shirt. Both were slightly concerned by a man paddling in the Thames, feeling that if he caught anything, it wouldn’t be a fish !!

Returning to the TFN, pausing to look at the books on the South Bank secondhand bookstall, the two sat down for a panel on the TV series “Murder Rooms”, which featured clips from the show, as well as a discussion involving David Stuart Davies, the show’s creator David Pirie, and the show’s star Ian Richardson. The revelation of the afternoon (aside from the fact that the first Doyle was sacked for being too old), was Ian Richardson, who proved to be the most amiable of men, and someone who does copious amounts of research for each part that he undertakes. All too soon, the panel ended, and the audience and guests moved into the foyer, where they all stood around aimlessly. Seizing his chance, Shirt collared first David Pirie to sign his novel based on the series, which he did in scrawling fashion. Then with Dufus’ encouragement, he approached Ian Richardson with a video cover from Mr. Richardson’s tour-de-force performance as Sherlock Holmes in “The Sign of Four”. With a smile, and a flourish, Mr. Richardson obliged, telling Shirt, “It’s a shame, almost everyone in the other one (“Hound of the Baskervilles”) is dead!” (In fact about a third of the cast are dead). Dufus then presented Shirt’s cover for said film, which Mr. Richardson also signed, then posed for a photo with Shirt.

Rushing to the departure gate, Shirt repeated the phrase “Ian Richardson – what a nice bloke !!” about twenty times. Reaching the departure gate, there was sign of the other four. Whilst scanning up and down the South Bank, the two mused on the fact that in the last month they had met three of the four winners in TV Zone’s recent poll as to who would be a good Doctor Who (in TVZ#148) – Anthony Stewart Head (see C,D,S…Underestimate the Situation), Ian Richardson and Mark Gattiss (and two that day), the other being the elusive Paul McGann. And speaking of elusive people, where were the others ? Shirt ‘phoned Chalky’s mobile, and was informed that they were only a few minutes away. There was no response from Mr. Whisky’s mobile, a nice Irish voice telling Shirt that the number was unobtainable. Chalky, Tigger and Lupine finally arrived, and a decision was made to join the long queue.

After around two minutes walk, the friends finally found themselves at the back of the “6.30” queue. Dufus and Shirt being very interested in a number of girls further up the queue wearing cats’ ear headbands (presumably on someone’s hen-night), whilst attempting to ignore Chalky and Tigger eating each other’s faces. But there was still no sign of Mr. Whisky. Chalky agreed to go and look for him, and almost as soon as he was out of sight, the prodigal turned up, and Shirt had to go and find Chalky. Unfortunately, although he was now here, Mr. Whisky needed to go for a James Bree (as the friends term it, save Shirt who prefers “availing himself of the facilities”), so no sooner had he joined the queue, then he left it again, meeting the others again as they reached the end of the barrier. Being shepherded up the ramp to the Eye, the friends noticed several more hen parties, as well as a bride and groom, who had presumably been married earlier, a priest not being in residence.

Finally the gang reached the top of the ramp, and to Shirt’s disappointment they were ushered into the pod behind the cat-girls. No sooner was Mr. Whisky in the pod, then the door was swung shut with a large clang, revealing a sign asking patrons not to “lean on the doors”. Noticing this, a slightly concerned Dufus asked the other five to keep this in mind, as he had visions of the door flying open and all of them being sucked out into the early evening London sky. It was at this point that another occupant of the pod, a young boy, decided to ask his father what would happen if the floor gave way or the wheel stopped – “out of the mouths of babes !” Needless to say, this did not put Dufus’ mind at rest. Looking out of the window, Shirt looked up to see where they were heading for, and accidentally began staring into the pod above (that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it). Noticing this, the cat-girls decided to flash a bit of leg at the saddo below. Turning to boast about this to Chalky and Dufus, Shirt was disappointed when on turning back, he found that the girls had grown tired of this game, and were looking out of the other window. Chalky and Dufus merely looked at Shirt with incredulity at his story. Shirt decided to move off, and went over to speak to Mr. Whisky. There then ensued a conversation between the two which followed one of two patterns:

Pattern 1 - W: Which building is that ?

S: I don’t know !

Pattern 2 – W: Was ____ (London building) bombed during the War ?

S: I don’t know !

Meanwhile, Dufus was moving round the pod, admiring the wonderful views of the brown Thames, and taking candid shots of the gang, including the camera-shy Tigger. As it turned out this was to prove useful as despite the pre-recorded instructions on where to stand to be in the official photograph, on checking the monitors when back on the ground, they found that only Mr. Whisky was visible, the others standing behind a support. All too soon, the six were back on terra firma, and Dufus expressed an impatience in relation to his presents.

The gang therefore reconvened on the grass of the nearby Jubilee Gardens, sitting in a makeshift circle, with a pile of presents and cards in the centre. Shirt considered on making a “Pass The Parcel” joke, but thought better of it. Having laughed at the jokes on his cards, which seemed to have all been perfectly picked, he began tearing the wrapping off his presents. A few seconds later he was the proud possessor of three Product Enterprise Roll-A-Matic Daleks, a copy of “Neverland”, a “Tomorrow People” DVD, and the fourth instalment in the Large Endings’ Excelis “trilogy”, the Lisa Bowerman starring “Plague Herds of Excelis”. As Tigger was to be away in Canada (but not visiting TVM locations) when it was to be her birthday, Dufus and Shirt proffered cards and two Disney videos, based on Shirt’s tastes – namely “Basil The Great Mouse Detective” (the Sherlockian one), and “Tarzan” (the one starring Minnie Driver). Tigger was to thank them for this with a kiss, but a scowl from Chalky put paid to that (spoilsport!). Chalky and Tigger had to leave at this point to attend a prior engagement, namely a school barbeque, and so there were four. Surprisingly, Mr. Whisky suggested that the four retire to a hostelry to drink to Dufus’ impending birthday.

“I know just the place”, said Lupine.

“And how to get there?”, asked Shirt.

“Of course”, said Lupine.

Unfortunately, this proved to be a lie. Lupine proved to have a lack of direction only beaten by Dufus’. The four wandred hither and thither, the monotony only broken by an argument as to whether it was the Millennium Bridge or Hungerford Bridge that they had used to cross the river, Mr. Whisky trying to make a phone call from a public phone box without having any change, Mr. Whisky’s continued plaintive cry – “Are we nearly there yet?”, and through losing Mr. Whisky at every possible opportunity (accidental of course). Finally, the four found themselves at their destination – “Garlic and Shots” – a bar that did exactly what it said on the tin, selling shots, some involving garlic, as well as all manner of garlic-infused food stuffs. Moving into the terrace, they scanned the menus, Shirt being reminded of a “Two Ronnies” sketch – “The Complete Rook”, as he scanned over garlic ice-cream. Deciding to stick with garlic bread, and only Lupine deciding to risk a shot, three portions of bread, two beers, a garlic shot and a coke were ordered. Shirt was a bit shocked by the price of the bread, but when it arrived, resembling a yellow half-loaf was shocked in a different way. Both Dufus and Shirt got stuck into their bread, but Lupine (who was forewarned) began nibbling at his. A few seconds later, to Lupine’s amusement, both Dufus and Shirt were gasping, and taking large gulps of their drinks (“No wonder they’re so expensive”, thought Shirt). Then it happened. Lupine and Mr. Whisky broke one of the cardinal (no pun intended) rules of going to a pub, never discuss politics or religion. A strong debate on religion began, brought about by one of Mr. Whisky’s frequent stated intentions to become a priest.

All attempts to dissuade them from this topic in which both had strong views, by Dufus and Shirt proved futile. The only solution proved to be to ask for the bill, but even then problems arose. Trying to work out who had what, following an erroneous complaint over an “error” on the bill, proved impossible, and finally it was agreed that the solution used at Pansy’s burger bar would be used. The bar staff were less than impressed with the idea of separate bills, but eventually it was all sorted out. Mr. Whisky then made a quick exit, as it turned out to attempt to find a bus to take him to an often frequented bar in New Cross, which he singularly failed to do, finally having to pay £20 for a cab. The other three returned to Piccadilly Circus, and after a short ride to Green Park, Dufus and Shirt left Lupine, travelling to Victoria, then Dufus’ home, before Shirt was dropped home, ready for more fun and larks the next day.

DAY 2: Dateline – Sunday 14^th July 2002.

Lunchtime on the anniversary of Dufus’ birth, found both Dufus and Shirt running late, and so a proposed trip to the Great Western Humungashop prior to making their way for Day Two of “Crime Scene”, had to be cancelled. However, the two arrived at the TFN in good time for a panel on “The Modernity of Sherlock Holmes”. On the panel were David Pirie, who seemed to have only limited anecdotes (repeating his ones from the previous day), Maxim Jakubowski, owner of “Murder One” bookshop, and crime publisher, Philip Gooden, crime novelist and writer of one of the introductions to the reissued Penguin Conan-Doyle Classics (unfortunately, he did the intro for “The Lost World”), and finally and most importantly Julian Rathbone, author of many crime novels including ones featuring a female Holmes (Baz), and descendant of Basil. Unfortunately, Mr. Rathbone’s family connection seemed to have soured his opinion of the Great Detective, and he lost his audience with his comments that “the stories should only be read once, maybe twice” and that “reading them any more than that is just obsessive”. That said, Shirt still wanted to meet the great man, if only to get him to sign the latest Baz Holmes story serialised in “Sherlock Holmes Magazine”. However, Mr. Rathbone was deep in conversation and so Dufus and Shirt decided to come back later.

On their way out, they passed a large imposing figure, surrounded by several minders. As they reached the sunshine of the South Bank, Dufus turned to Shirt.

“Wasn’t that Christopher Lee ?”

“It certainly looked like him. The only man to play both Holmes brothers on film”, said Shirt proudly, “which indicates bad casting in at least one case, namely Mycroft, as the brothers are as unlike one another as two dissimilar things in a pod”,

Talk of Christopher Lee put to one side, the two crossed to the ice-cream van frequented the previous day, and to their upmost disappointment, found that there were no “5-ICE” lollies. Settling for a Magnum and an Orange Mivvi, the two wandered along the South Bank, and up to where a large banging sound was coming from. This proved to be a drumming festival, and a marching drum band was entertaining the crowd. Looking at his watch, and resisting the temptation to tell the drummers to “beat it”, Shirt indicated that they should probably go back in.

Walking back in, Shirt was surprised at the number of people standing about with cameras, particularly as they all seemed to flash as he entered. Turning round, he saw the reason, Christopher Lee had just come out of a side room, followed by several minders, and ironically, George Cole (“If only I’d brought my Merrison “The Retired Colourman” cover today” thought Shirt). Dufus was struggling to join Shirt, but was doing an even better job of shielding the celebrities from the amassed celebrities (All over the country, people are going to have a close-up photo of Dufus, with Christopher Lee’s ear just visible over his right shoulder). The guests (including some that Dufus and Shirt did not recognise) were there for a Richard Widmark tribute, but this was sold out. Moving further away from the entourage, Shirt found himself standing by the table at which Maureen O’Brien was sitting eager to sign copies of the paperback version of “Revenge”. Shirt found himself in a difficult position, he already had a signed copy of the hardback copy of “Revenge” (see C,D,S…Revenge of Morbius 2150 A.D.), and despite his intense trawling of charity shops had been unable to locate a copy of any of her previous books. However, he still wanted Ms. O’Brien’s signature on two items, namely his “Jonathan Creek: The Wrestler’s Tomb/Jack In The Box” video cover (already signed by Colin Baker and Anthony Stewart Head), and his “Galaxy 4” CD cover. He therefore, decided to chance his arm. Giving the CD cover to Dufus, he stepped forward.

“I’ve already got the book signed. In hardback”, Shirt told an incredulous Maureen, “Is there any chance that you could sign my ‘Jonathan Creek’ cover ?”

A long pause.

“You can say ‘No’ ”, offered Shirt weakly.

Another long pause.

“This is the first time I’ve signed the paperback”, Ms. O’Brien said firmly.

“Yes, but I’ve got the hardback”, said Shirt even more firmly.

Maureen eventually (begrudgingly) signed the cover. Dufus was next, he having bought the paperback as requested. However, on Shirt’s advice, he decided not to risk the CD cover.

“Did you see my last panel ?”, asked Ms. O’Brien.

The chums shook their heads, and mumbled about going to see the next one. Ms. O’Brien did not seem thrilled by the fact that she had another panel, straight after this signing, and so Dufus and Shirt hurried off to take their seats in TFN3, which used to be part of the Museum of the Moving Image (MOMI), passing a dilapidated TARDIS on their way.

This panel, entitled “Rogues and Vagabonds” seemed much more popular than any attended thus far by the two friends. The panel consisted of crime writers who were also actors, and comprised Ms. O’Brien, Mark Billingham, Simon Brett, Fidelis Morgan, Stella Duffy, and Martyn Waites. Each took it in turns to talk briefly about why they write crime fiction (money mainly), before participating in an unrehearsed dramatised reading of their work with other members of the panel. Simon Brett, writer of radio comedy (including “After Henry”) and comic crime fiction, offered us a scene in which his hero Charles Paris (played by the author himself) attempted to buy a suit from an acerbic, unhelpful shop assistant (Stella), with the “aid” of his best friend (Mark), with narration provided by Fidelis. Maureen O’Brien was next, and bucking the trend, proceeded to read a long passage from “Revenge”, playing the two parts herself, stating that she would not be attempting a West Indian accent, before attempting one. Next was Mark, one-time “Maid Marian” guard, stand-up comedian, and writer of dark serial-killer thrillers. Mark himself narrated a scene in which his hero, DI Tom Thorne (played by Martyn as a Geordie for the first and last time) along with DS Sarah McEvoy (Stella), interviewed the main suspect’s elderly mother (a tour-de-force by Fidelis). Next up was Martyn, who writes PI novels set in Newcastle, who along with Mark gave us a scene involving two young drug dealers. Humour was returned by Stella, who along with Martyn read part of a short story she had written for her own anthology “Tart Noir”, in which an older woman and a young boy both feel that they are using the other for sex.

However, the best was left ‘til last. Fidelis offered us an extract from her latest historical crime novel, “The Rival Queens” which promised artifice, gunpowder and murder in 17^th Century London. Fidelis both narrated and played her heroine, the Countess Ashby de la Zouche, who was paying a visit to Signior Ruggiero Lampone (Mark) to discover how he lost his nose (if it was by the pox, then he becomes the main suspect in a murder). The scene was completed by Maureen O’Brien as a young, naked, foolish actress, Elizabeth Lloyd (causing Dufus and Shirt to have to seriously suspend disbelief). The wit of the dialogue, Mark’s Italian accent, Mark’s shock at the actions his character had to carry out, namely dropping his trousers to reveal a lack of genitalia, and jokes about 17^th Century dildos, made it the hit of the day. In fact Dufus and Shirt were so impressed that afterwards both bought a copy of “The Rival Queens” which Fidelis kindly signed. (That said, Shirt bought it first, Dufus just copied him). Unfortunately, Mark Billingham made a quick exit before either of them could ask him to sign the copies of his debut novel “Sleepy Head” that both had brought with them (along with Shirt’s “Maid Marian” cartoon-strip book).

Exiting into the setting sun, the two made their way back towards Waterloo, passing another ice-cream van, which also advertised “5-ICE” lollies. However, they had also sold out ! Saying their goodbyes, the two turned to go home their separate ways. But Dufus turned to Shirt –

“This has been my best birthday weekend, EVER !!”

You can’t ask for more than that.

POSTSCRIPT: Dateline – Monday 15^th July 2002.

It was lunchtime, and Shirt decided to pop into the charity shop opposite the Court. There in pride of place was “Close Up On Death” by MAUREEN O’BRIEN !!!

Shirt’s response was short and to the point.

“Damn!!!”

[PL]