Dufus & Shirt...

…Make Fools Of Themselves

Mr. Whisky, Chalky and Shirt’s old school-friend, resident at that time in Ireland, made contact via e-mail asking Shirt of he could get him a ticket for a forthcoming convention he had seen advertised on the Web. Not sharing Chalky and Shirt’s interest in a certain Lord of Time, the subject matter was the popular comedy series “Only Fools and Horses” (one of the only four subjects on which Mr. Whisky spoke at any length – the others being “Grange Hill”, his schooldays with Chalky and Shirt, and the deprived life that he has led). Remarkably finding the site via a search engine, Shirt booked a ticket for Mr. Whisky and acting on the suggestion in the e-mail, got one for himself, eager to compare the world of OFAH fandom with that of WHO.

However, as is always the case with Mr. Whisky, everything changed at the last minute. Mr. Whisky decided to move to Australia to find a job (and a cheaper supply of alcoholic beverages), leaving on the day before the convention. Therefore, Shirt had to find a replacement companion (if only to drive him to Chipping Ongar, where the event was taking place). Chalky refused to go, but Dufus expressed an interest, having learnt that “Boycie”, in the person of John “ Scorby in ’The Seeds of Doom’ “ Challis had attended all previous years’ events. However, it seemed that Mr. Challis was too busy touring the country in an Ayckbourn farce with Sue “Marlene” Holderness. The guests were to be Roger Lloyd Pack (“Trigger”), Paul Barber (“Denzil”) & Roy Heather (“Sid from the Caff”). But it was too late for Dufus to change his mind. However, he did manage to blackmail a promise from Shirt that he would watch an episode of what Dufus regards as the greatest television programme ever – “The Flashing Blade”, which Dufus had just got on video. So on a Sunday morning, Dufus & Shirt made their way to Ongar Leisure Centre.

The journey seemed straightforward, on the M25 to Junction 28, then across country for around 7 miles. However, our friends had not banked on the ever-present jams on the M25, and so found themselves soon behind schedule. Having listened to the complete soundtrack of “Moulin Rouge”, and skilfully negotiated the Dartford Tunnel, they found themselves at Junction 28.

“Right. We want the A1203. It’s the fourth exit from this roundabout”, Shirt said scrutinising the directions he’d got from the AA website.

“The fourth exit ? Ok then !”, said Dufus taking the A12, the THIRD exit.

Cue agonised cry from Shirt, and frantic flicking through the pages of Dufus’ AA Handbook.

By some remarkable stroke of luck, coming off of the A12 at the next exit, they found a sign for the right road, and followed that, whilst trying to spot the landmarks mentioned in Shirt’s directions – the Black Horse Public House was ticked off, but whatever happened to the Kelvedon Hatch War Memorial is anyone’s guess. Shirt was very amused by a large sign pointing out a “SECRET NUCLEAR BUNKER”, commenting that it wasn’t much of a secret now. By using Shirt’s masterplan – “keep going straight ahead” – they soon found themselves in Chipping Ongar, and the sight of a sign for the leisure centre was greeted with a cheer.

Arriving in the car park just under half-an-hour later than planned, and parking where indicated by a man in a yellow fluorescent bib (“Mm, I wonder if they sell them inside”, thought Shirt), they got out of the car, grabbed their bags, and started walking round the corner to the centre itself. As they did so, Dufus was sure that he had forgotten something. The two were concerned whether they had got the right place, but on turning the corner, the sight of three three-wheeled vans in varying shades of yellow, confirmed that this was definitely the correct venue. Dufus and Shirt joined the throng of OFAH fans (“Fools”???), and entered the centre.

As they got their tickets ready, Shirt noticed that many of the people in front of them had a coupon from the local paper entitling them to 2 tickets for the price of 1. Maybe there would be more people than he had thought. Their tickets having been stamped, they moved into the cafeteria area, where in a spirit of market trading, undercooked chips, burgers and hot-dogs were being sold. Both hungry, Dufus and Shirt partook of this unforgettable fare.

Moving down a flight of steps into the main hall, they were met by a mass of people. Many were already queuing in readiness for autographs (in fact the barriers erected to direct the queue were already full). The rest were crowded along the long table that was the OFAH Appreciation Society Merchandise Stall, which was selling overpriced items that Dufus and Shirt had been previously blissfully unaware of. These included T-shirts, umbrellas, mugs, towels, ashtrays, prints, photos, books, tap water, greetings cards, and inexplicably “Monopoly”-style banknotes with pictures of characters from the series on. They were also selling a video of the “Gulf War Special”, a previously unseen 8-minute “extended sketch” for £10 (more than £1 per minute). Dufus showed great restraint buying none of these items, and Shirt only bought an OFAH Christmas Card to send to Mr. Whisky in Australia. The fans however, were snapping them up at a frantic rate, proving that “a Fool and his money are soon parted”.

Dufus and Shirt were also pleased to see some fans in costume, with a Del Boy clearly in residence, and another guy who looked like he was dressed as a cross between Trigger and Denzil (or maybe he always dresses like that). Shirt overheard someone asking her friend, “Do other TV programmes have conventions?”, to be told, “Yes, ‘The Archers’, and I think ‘EastEnders’. Oh and of course, ‘Star Trek’!”. Shirt decided not to fill in the obvious blank. All in all ‘fools’ seemed to be as fannish as “whovians”, with several people boasting in loud voices about their memorabilia collection.

The vice-president of the OFAHAS was just coming onto the stage to announce the delights that awaited us. These included a raffle, a Soapstars-type rendering of the classic bar-scene by volunteers, and the chance to have your picture taken wearing the actual sheepskin jacket worn by David Jason in the first series. The latter proved too much for our friends, and they quickly moved to the indicated area where there was no queue, and asked to try the jacket on. Dufus was first up, having given his camera to Shirt. Shirt watched concerned, as Dufus pulled the jacket on, concerned that a ripping sound would emerge, and a priceless costume would be destroyed. Luckily the jacket held, but just to be on the safe side, Dufus chose not to hold the lapels in a ‘Del Boy’ manner. The picture taken, they swapped, and Shirt became the king of “duckers and divers” [see above]. A seaside-type stick-your-head-through-board of “The Jolly Boy’s Outing” meant that two more pictures were taken (after Shirt worked out how to remove the lens cover of Dufus’ camera).

The autograph queue now becoming even longer, Dufus and Shirt decided to join it, as they would still be near the stage to see the guests. After about another twenty-minutes, the vice-president returned, tried to fill in with a few carefully chosen jokes (which fell as flat as Shirt’s normally do), introduced the president of the Society, who unfortunately bore no resemblance to Mr. Oak, before finally introducing Roy Heather. “Sid” entered in apron with cigarette in mouth, revealed that he is currently in “Time Gentlemen Please”, spoke about his memories of Kenneth MacDonald (who played Mike the Barman, and tragically died earlier in the year), and confirmed that there will be 3 more episodes. He further revealed that Sid will be taking over the pub, which provoked much laughter in the hall.

The host asked if anyone had any questions, but Dufus and Shirt minds were blank, not being able to ask “Who’s your favourite monster?”. So, five minutes later, Roy was sitting on a chair at the back of the stage, while Paul Barber was introduced. More of the same - brief chat about “Full Monty”, memories of ‘Ken’ – and he was sitting next to Roy. Roger Lloyd-Pack appeared, plugged his current stage-play “Art”, his new cassette (RLP Reads William Blake), and shared his memories of Ken. The three then left the auditorium, the panel having lasted less than twenty minutes.

The lights were dimmed (eventually) and on the “big screen” (a normal white projector screen) was beamed a video tribute to Kenneth MacDonald – clips from the series and conventions set to “Nobody Does It Better”. It was clear that Kenneth MacDonald had had a great impact on both the actors and fans (he attended all four previous conventions), and seems to have been the person who kept the others smiling. Throughout the day, everyone said that they were “missing Ken”.

The lights returned, and the guests allegedly started signing. All Dufus and Shirt knew was that the queue wasn’t moving, and time was getting on. It was announced over the public address system that everyone was allowed two items per actor (apparently in previous years, some had asked for thirty or forty items). An hour later, they had reached the beginning of the barriers. The hall was becoming stuffy, and both had to pop outside for a breath of fresh air at one point. Shirt was amused by a girl behind him, looking at her bottle of tap water labelled ‘Peckham Spring’, and saying to her friend, “I don’t know how they get away with charging £5 for this.”, and only just managed to stop himself from turning round and telling her, “Because idiots you will pay it!”. Then the woman behind our friends got very excited when the Del Boy “lookalike” agreed to have his photo taken with her.

Just as our friends reached the halfway point of the barriered queue, the vice-president was on the public address system again, telling everyone that because some people had abused the two items rule, and the queue was still so long, the limit had moved down to one item. This annoyed Shirt slightly more than Dufus, as Dufus had only brought one item, a “Full Monty” cover for Mr. Barber, but had also been given a copy of “The Only Fools & Horses Story” that Shirt had picked up in a closing-down sale of a bargain bookshop. Shirt who also had a copy of the book, had also wanted his script-book signed.

“Maybe, if they actually stopped people having too many items, or didn’t put money-off coupons in the local paper, we might have been able to have our promised items”, moaned Shirt.

Eventually, they reached the front of the queue, and having put their names and addresses on a list to go into the draw for studio tickets for the new episodes, moved to meet the guests who sat at three separate small tables. Paul Barber was first, and signed Shirt’s proffered book with a smile, then removed his sunglasses to pose for a photo taken on Dufus’ camera by a steward. Dufus followed on. Roger Lloyd-Pack was next, and as soon as he moved on from Mr. Barber, Shirt was aware that RLP was not “a happy bunny” (p****d off, in fact). So with a minimum of conversation, Shirt got his book signed and tentatively asked for a photo. There was a nod of agreement, but no smiling for the camera. Dufus for once reading the situation correctly also trod carefully. In RLP’s defence – 1) he did have to rush off back to the West End for an evening performance of “Art”, 2) he did have the longest name to sign, 3) he was probably the biggest star there, 4) he was also signing certificates for the official “Trigger” figurines. Roy Heather was on the end, still smoking, and keen to sign and smile. [see below]

It being over four hours since their arrival, and there being no other events, the “Soapstars” game being cancelled due to the length of the autograph queue, they decided to make their way home. There had however, whilst they had been queuing been the drawing of the raffle (for which Dufus & Shirt had not bought tickets) – with prizes of the signatures of all the main cast (save Leonard Pearce, but including Buster Merryfield & Kenneth MacDonald), the OFAH board game (deleted for 10 years) and £50 to spend on the merchandise stall (so that’s a towel & a mug then) – and an auction in which a signed photo of David Jason as Del Boy went for over £300.

Leaving the centre, they returned to Dufus’ car in the car park, to discover what Dufus had forgotten – namely to turn his headlight off. Shirt then had visions of being stranded in Chipping Ongar. Fingers crossed, they got into the car, and turned the ignition-key. A cheer went up when the engine spluttered into life. It was decided that the best idea would be to retrace their route to the M25, and this proved to be effective (if maybe slightly longer). With the sounds of Mark Goodier’s Top 40 as background, the two weary “honorary fools” made their way home through the jams of the clockwise M25.

All in all, a fun day out, and both were agreed that they would go again (tickets were only £5), particularly if other guests were there (Dufus still hoping for John Challis). It proved that fans are fans the world over, and wherever several fans gather together a (lengthy) queue forms.

DENZIL	TRIGGER	SID

THIS INSTALLMENT OF “CHALKY, DUFUS & SHIRT” IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF KENNETH MacDONALD (1951-2001).

[PL]