Shirt…

…and the Creed of the Shalka

Once again, it was only Shirt who wended his way to Seventh Galaxy for their latest signing. The main event was Frazer Hines and "Fury from the Deep" cast members ("I've met Frazer several times", moaned Chalky refusing to accompany Shirt), but Shirt didn’t want to meet them either. New Large Endings' companion, Conrad Westmaas had initially been promised (briefly raising Chalky's interest levels), but a few weeks before the signing pulled out due to "professional commitments". However, the author of "The Creed of the Kromon", Large Endings' latest McGann release, Philip Martin, would be there, and Shirt was determined not to miss the author of his favourites Sixth Doctor story "Vengeance on Varos" (as well as "Mindwarp", "Mission to Magnus" and "Invasion of the Ormazoids"). The addition of BBCi webcast and prolific novel author (and WHO-related expression of disgust - Porkin' 'Ell), Paul Cornell, only strengthened his resolve.

A few transport problems aside, Shirt soon found himself at Seventh Galaxy and buying two copies of "The Creed of the Kromon" (one for Chalky) and the "Scream of the Shalka" novelisation.

"Where are the other two ?", asked Big Ted.

Shirt mumbled something incomprehensible, and went to join the queue, being about fifteen people further up the queue than he had been at the Janet Fielding signing a few weeks before.

Sitting on the cold marble floor, Shirt read his newly arrived "SHERLOCK" magazine from cover to cover, before moving on to the "Making of" section in the "Shalka" novelisation.

After about an hour, Big Ted appeared walking down the queue with a message.

"The signing probably won't kick off until 12.30pm because we're still waiting for Philip Martin".

'12.30pm ? Tell me something new', thought Shirt.

"Oh and Paul Cornell's having trouble with the trains and probably won't be here until 2pm"

'Porkin' 'Ell', thought Shirt.

"Well, he is coming from…"

Shirt waited for a far off place - Scotland, Ireland, France…

"…Oxford", Big Ted concluded.

OXFORD ???

At 12.45pm, the queue started moving, surprisingly quickly, and by 1pm, Shirt was over by the escalators. However, the queue started slowing down, mainly due to a large number of people becoming confused by the complexities of queuing and joining the wrong end with their mates. "The Master" was ever-present, with almost everyone ignoring him this time, the humour of the situation having evaporated after seeing him dressed like that on two recent previous occasions. A group in front of Shirt, which seemed to have been growing steadily bigger, was discussing the length of the queue.

"Not as long as for Paul McGann"

"Or Peter Davison", another piped up.

'Poor old Frazer Hines', thought Shirt.

At 1.25pm, Shirt reached the front of the queue, and was ushered into the shop by Poppy, with what he initially took to be an insulting gesture, but realised was an indication of "one personal item". Luckily 85% of the people inside were bypassing Mr. Martin who was sitting after the "Fury" cast, and so Shirt had no trouble skirting round the waiting people to meet Sil's creator, pausing only to notice how old Frazer was looking and that one of the guests had been in the Val Kilmer spoof "Top Secret".

Philip happily signed Shirt's "Kromon" cover, then passed it along to music maestro, David Darlington next to him, and took the proffered "Varos" video cover.

"Martin Jarvis", he exclaimed jabbing the signature, "I went to RADA with him".

Shirt nodded in what he hoped seemed an interested manner.

"Martin's very friendly with one of Large Endings' other writers", piped up David Darlington, before adding, "Rob Shearman".

Shirt nodded in assent, and passed Chalky's "Kromon" cover to Philip, which was duly signed by both men, along with Shirt's "The Eighties" (as Chalky's personal item).

The rest of the queue seemed to be continuing to bypass Mr. Martin, but Shirt decided not to risk another item for Philip, for fear of the wrath of Hamble. Anyway, when he popped back later for Paul Cornell, he might be able to get his "Mission to Magnus" signed.

The word from shop-staff was "Come back for Paul in an hour".

Shirt therefore ventured out into the wind and the rain of Barking, visiting every charity shop in the vicinity, before returning 50 minutes later to find a queue. Unsure whether this was left over from the previous signing or was for the new signing, Shirt asked Hamble. The queue which spanned half the area from the shop to the escalators was for Mr. Cornell, who still had not arrived, seemingly walking from Oxford.

Shirt therefore joined the queue, where he was entertained by a small group in front of him discussing how the Moon Family in "Eastenders" is a rip-off of the Trotter Family in "Only Fools and Horses", and by the earlier guests leaving (but not before the customary poses in front of the shop Dalek). It also transpired that only a small minority of the queue knew what Mr. Cornell looked like, promoting whispers that they might just get anyone to sign the books. Behind Shirt, two fans were coming up with nefarious reasons why Mr. Cornell might have dedicated the novelisation to Gary Russell, until Shirt turned round and told them the mundane reason detailed in the “Making Of” section.

Then Big Ted appeared - did he have news on Paul's whereabouts ?

NO !

He was simply looking to exchange a wad of ten-pound notes for five-pound notes, as the till had run out of small notes. Having had mixed success with this, Big Ted returned to the shop mumbling about getting someone to text Mr. Cornell to find out which station he was going through.

A few minutes later, the man himself sped past the queue, arms pumping. No-one was fooled though.

"He must just have started running as he passed the Centre Café", said one cynic.

Two minutes later, the queue started moving, and fifteen minutes later, Shirt reached the front of the queue. Poppy waved him in, with the words "As many items as you like, within reason".

Mr. Cornell's signing hand was a blur as he signed anything put in front of him, apologising all the time for keeping the fans waiting.

"I live near Oxford", said the man in front of Shirt in the queue, "I could have given you a lift".

"An alarm call might have been more useful", said Mr. C, revealing the true reason for his lateness.

Shirt moved forward offering his "Shalka" novelisation, then the "Buried Treasures" Benny CD cover, "Audio Scripts 2" and "Shadow of the Scourge".

"Oh, haven't a lot of people signed this cover", said Paul, looking at the completely obscured "Scourge" image.

"Yes, they had a signing with Sylvester & Sophie, with Lisa a few weeks later. Oh, and there's Peter Trapani, the head………Scourge", said Shirt, briefly forgetting the alien race in "Shadow of the Scourge".

Shirt's final item was "The Eighth Doctor Authors" CD cover already signed by Rob Shearman & Nicholas Briggs. Paul seemed unimpressed by the awful photo of him, writing such along with his signature. However, the photo of the new Mrs. Cornell (Caroline Symcox), got a "But she’s nice !" under it.

With a final apology from Mr. Cornell, Shirt left the shop, wending his through old haunts in Central London, held-up at every turn by the vagaries of London public transport, before meeting up with Chalky and Tigger to display his gluttony using a GTI Sunday "Ultimate Burger".

[PL]